


Through The Years

by spikessweetgirl



Category: LOTR RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:51:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 96,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikessweetgirl/pseuds/spikessweetgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dominic and Elijah have been together for years. That is until Dominic dies. One year later, after receiving a call from Matthew Monaghan, Elijah sifts through Dom's personal journals and other memorabilia and takes a heart-wrenching trip down memory lane.</p><p>Betaed by Moffel83</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

1  
Present Day

“Are you sure that you want to do this today, Lij? I mean, there’s no big hurry. This stuff has been up here for a full year now…what’s a little more time? Or Billy and I can do this for you…it’d be no trouble,” Sean Astin stood in the entranceway to the attic of his best friend’s house, feeling a bit uncomfortable and concerned over Elijah’s well-being. 

 

“No Sean. I have to do this myself. It’s been a year since Dom’s death…a year that all his stuff and our memories have been hidden away up in this small room. It’s time that I stop being a fucking coward and get this all sorted,” Elijah shook his head, touched by his friend’s concern, yet determined to face what he’s been avoiding for the past 12 months. After all, sorting through Dom’s things, categorizing what to keep and what to send back to Matthew, and what to give to good will has been put off long enough; plus it was his job to complete. Not Seans, not Billy’s…his. Besides, he didn’t want his friends to witness his grieving. They’ve seen enough. Going through Dom’s belongings and the memories they shared…well that was his own private grief. For his eyes only, no one else’s. “This is something I have to do alone Sean. Please, try to understand. I know you guys want to help…but you can’t. Ok? It’s too…private.”

 

 

Sean sighed. He didn’t really understand, but he was trying. The past year had been a hard one for all of them, but for Elijah especially. He just wanted to make things as easy for him as he could. Ever since Dominic’s death, Elijah hasn’t been himself. He had pretty much withdrawn from the fellowship. Only Sean and Billy knew how to break through the emotional wall Elijah and erected…that was until Matthew Monaghan had called, wanting some of Dom’s things a few months ago…ever since then, Elijah had shut them both out. 

 

“We miss him too, you know,” Sean mumbled, not knowing what else to say that would break through Elijah’s defenses. “You’re not alone Elijah…”

 

“But I am. I have been for a year now. You have Christine and Billy has Ali. Viggo has Orli, but I have only a memory…and it’s time that I do what needs to be done…what Dom would have wanted to be done and I have to do it alone,” Elijah avoided Sean’s eyes, hoping that his tears would just stay back for a few more minutes, until Sean was gone and he was alone. If he started crying now…he’d never be able to get this done and Sean would never leave. “And don’t give me that look. It’s the truth and you fucking know it. Look…I appreciate everything you guys have done for me…but what I have to do now is something I can’t put off on you two. It’s something that I have to do myself, by myself. What if this was Christine? Would you want me to go through her things and the memories you shared?”

 

Sean sighed, finally understanding Elijah’s point of view. Elijah was about to take a journey down memory lane. He was about to revisit some of the most private moments that he and Dom had shared and he didn’t want anyone intruding…not even his best friends. “Just…promise to call if you need us…”

 

“I will. Promise,” Elijah smiled sadly, placing a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder. “This is a journey that I’m going to have to take, without my Sam…”

 

Sean nodded, attempting a smile as he took one more look at the boxes and papers that had been stored over the years and sighed. So much work…too much work…but Elijah wanted to go it alone. There was nothing he could do but allow him that. “Well, I’ll go now. Let you get to it. But…just so you know…Dom…he wouldn’t want you do this alone…he’d want someone to help you.”

 

“Sean…”

 

“I know, I know. I’m just saying…”

 

“Dom would understand. Now, go home to Christine. I’m sure that she misses you,” Elijah turned away, tired of arguing. He had too much to do and he didn’t want to waste anymore time arguing with Sean.

 

Knowing that he was defeated, Sean sighed. “Fine, but I’m calling you on the hour…and if I don’t call Billy will. He made a promise and you’d be a bastard to ask him to break it…”

Elijah just rolled his eyes, tired of Sean trying to guilt trip him. “I know. He promised Dom that he’d look after me and I wouldn’t dream of having him go back on that promise. Now just go. The sooner you leave, the sooner I’ll be done.”

 

Sean shook his head, tempted to protest some more, but something in Elijah’s eyes changed his mind. “Take care Lij. Talk to you later.”

 

Elijah waved as Sean finally showed himself out, leaving Elijah with a mixture of relief and dread. 

 

Alone at last, he stepped deeper into the room and was almost overwhelmed by the task before him. Boxes and crates of papers, all having something to do with Dominic.. All the memories, just lying in wait for him. For a second, he regretted refusing Sean’s offer to help. It was going to take him hours…maybe even days to get through all of this by himself. But then he remembered why he had refused and why it was best that he went through this stuff alone. It wouldn’t do for him to have an emotional breakdown, just for his friends to think that he had relapsed back into the consuming grief that had almost taken him over when Dominic had died.

 

Elijah took a deep breath and headed for the stack of boxes at the farthest corner, opposite the entrance. He remembered Dom telling him that the boxes were all about New Zealand and that he was putting them in this corner, because that corner was the first thing he saw when he came in and just in case they wanted to go down memory lane, for some unknown reason, he wanted those boxes to be easy to find. So that was where they had stored the New Zealand memorabilia and this was where Elijah was going to start. 

 

He doubted that Matthew would want anything out of these boxes, but it was better to be safe than sorry. So he opened the box and coughed out the dust that threatened to over come his now smoke free lungs. He hadn’t coughed this much since Dom talked him into giving up his precious cloves five years earlier. Waving his hand in front of his face, Elijah wondered just how long the boxes have been up in the attic anyway? He and Dom had lived in the big monstrosity of a house for 12 years now and he somehow had a hard time believing that they had never come up here for anything…not even to dust.

 

His lungs now clear, Elijah knelt down and glanced inside the top box and was surprised to find a familiar notebook that he hadn’t seen in years. One of Dom’s journals. He smiled as he remembered how Dominic was always scribbling away in the thing, refusing to let anyone see what he was writing. He, along with Sean and Billy used to tease him mercilessly, asking him if he was writing a love not to his girlfriend and shit like that. Dom would just give them the two-finger salute and continue his writing, a slight smile on his lips.

 

Hot tears threatened to spell as Elijah reached inside and picked up the dust-covered writing pad and opened it to see Dom’s familiar, messy handwriting. Collapsing against the nearest wall, he opened the journal and read:

 

Today I arrived in New Zealand to meet my fellow cast mates. I don’t know what to think of any of them just yet. Well…that’s a lie, but these are only my first impressions, mind you. I will give a more accurate report later…

 

Sean: Funny, warm, responsible. Billy: Funny, smart, best mate material. And Elijah: Young, innocent, eager. The biggest blue eyes I’ve seen in my life. I can get lost in them if I had a mind to…but the lads all seem friendly enough. I can tell, this may be the start of a beautiful friendship.

 

And it was…it had been the start of a beautiful friendship and so much more. It was the start of the rest of their lives…

 

July 1999

Excitement ran through Elijah, despite the early hour. He was due to meet his fellow hobbits in the trailer where they would all be transformed into hobbits. Two he had already met. Sean and Billy, both seemed friendly enough. The third one…a Dominic Monaghan, was supposed to meet them this morning. He had to admit that he was curious. With a name like that, he had to be interesting…worldly to. According to the dossier that they were all given, Dominic lived in both Germany and England. To think of what all this guy must know about the world…how sophisticated he must be…it made Elijah just that more nervous to meet him.

 

Billy and Sean were already inside, seated and chatting about their families and home lives. Elijah slipped into his own chair and got out his CD’s. He had spotted a stereo earlier and had thought that some music would help keep them preoccupied. He was just examining the Smashing Pumpkins CD when the trailer door opened and in stepped in a young man, not much older than himself. He had honey-blond hair, a slightly crooked mouth, and a nervous, but friendly gleam in his eye. The other two hobbits fell silent as they too took notice of the newcomer.

 

All conversation stopped as all eyes turned to the nervous young man that was blocking the exit. Elijah found himself noticing different things about him…the color of his hair. The way that smile had a mischievous touch, yet his eyes, blue-gray and confident, held a tiny hint of shyness. This guy was someone Elijah definitely wanted to get to know better. 

 

“I take it that this is feet, right?” The newcomer cleared his throat, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. “I’m Dominic Monaghan. I’m supposed to be Merry…”

 

Sean and Billy were out of their chairs and embracing Dominic and welcoming him into the fold, babbling on about what great fun they were all going to have together and how the hobbits were now complete. Pippin had his Merry and Frodo had his Sam. That was when all eyes fell on Elijah and the world stopped.

 

“This is our Frodo, Elijah Wood,” Sean was saying, his voice sounding far away. Elijah felt his legs move and his hand go out to grip Dominic’s. The minute their hands met, Elijah knew that this was not going to be an ordinary friendship between two actors who had to work together. This…this was the start of something special…what that was, he didn’t know…but when he took Dominic’s hand…it was like he was waking up for the first time and seeing the world like it truly was. 

 

“Hi ya,” Dominic grinned; his face giving no clue that he was feeling what Elijah was at the moment. As far as Elijah knew, Dominic thought of him as just a normal kid that he was going to hang out with for a year or more. 

 

“Um…hello,” he forced himself to speak. It wouldn’t do to get shy now. Not after being so outgoing with Sean and Billy, but there was something about Dominic…something that drew Elijah to him like a moth to flame and Elijah was finding it a bit disconcerting. 

 

“So, this is where we make our transformation, eh?” Dominic released Elijah’s hand and glanced around the trailer.

 

“Yep. Have to be here at five in the mornings, too. If you like, I can show you around the set before everyone wakes up. Show you where everything is and where we’re allowed to wander and where we’re not…that is if you don’t have other plans,” Billy offered, stepping up beside Elijah, who in the meantime, was openingly staring at the new arrival in what appeared to be awe. The more he saw of Dominic, the more impressed he grew.

 

“Oh, that’d be nice. I took a look around earlier…but it was kind of overwhelming,” Dominic grinned, his eyes landing on Elijah for a second before turning to Billy. “That is if it’s not any trouble…”

 

“No trouble at all. Lij and Sean here have to go over their lines anyway and since you’re Merry to my Pippin, it makes sense that we should spend as much time together as possible, yeah?”

 

Dominic just laughed and nodded. “You have a point there, mate. But I’m looking forward to getting to know all of you.” Again, his eyes land on Elijah, who felt the blood rise to his cheeks when those eyes winked at him. “I’m sure that we’re all going to be great friends. Just like the real hobbits, yeah?”

 

Present Day…

 

And they were all great friends. They had ended up spending so much time together that it was heart wrenching when they had to say good-bye. Elijah sighed as he leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes against his falling tears. During that first meeting, he found himself to be instantly attracted to Dom, but by the end of the week, it was a full blown crush, and by the end of the year…well it was love for the both of them…but that was something he couldn’t think about now. He’d fall apart if he did. He’ll think about it later. Right now, he had some clearing out to do…


	2. 2

__

Present Day

__

Elijah wiped hot tears from his eyes as he skipped a few pages of the diary. He knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. In fact, he knew that it was one of the hardest tasks he had to do since Dominic’s death…but he couldn’t not do it. He’s put it off long enough. He could do without the tears though…it felt as if crying was all he’s done for the past year. Which was useless, because his tears wouldn’t bring Dom back. They wouldn’t give him back the moments wasted in the hospital… He snapped his mind shot on the thought of the hospital. He didn’t like thinking of Dom’s final hours. He rather remember his love as the bright eyed, mischievous young man he had been before all the bad stuff happened.

Looking down at the journal, new tears fell as he read:

__

To day we were fitted into our costumes. I have to say, I am the snappier dresser of the hobbits, but by far not the most adorable. I couldn’t stop looking at our Frodo. He’s a true beauty that one, and so adorable…and I’ve never heard such a high pitch giggle…but it definitely suits him, as well the blush he gets when you embarrass him. Somehow, I feel that it’s Elijah that I will have the strongest bond with. There’s just something about him…

__

 

__

Elijah blinked, wiping away the tears as he remembered that day. It had been a pretty day out and they had wanted to be outside, exploring, but they were scheduled for different activities that would keep them inside and he had hadn’tbeen in an especially bad mood. In fact, he found his new co-stars quite humorous, but he had been missing his sister terribly and hadn’t wanted to bother anyone else with his problems…that was until a certain British hobbit made him open up somehow…

__

_**September 24, 1999**_

__

_New Zealand_

__

_Elijah pulled his wig on and stared at himself in the mirror, amazed at the transformation. He looked like he had traveled through time and landed in the 18 th century. It was fucking amazing. He glanced at his co-stars were even more amazed. Everyone looked great, but the one who caught his eye the most was Dominic. He looked so much more different than he did out of costume. Of course that was because he had to wear a Styrofoam belly underneath and they had to add more make up to make him look like a healthy cherubic hobbit, but he was still attractive to Elijah’s eyes._

_“Not bad. Not bad at all. Let’s face it mates, I am the snappier dresser of the hobbits,” Dominic grinned, playfully sticking his nose up in the air in mock arrogance, bringing a giggle from Elijah and a smack to the back of the head from Billy._

_“Owwww,” he pouted, rubbing the back of his head. “That was uncalled for William. It’s not my fault that my character has taste.”_

_Billy just rolled his eyes and winked at Elijah who was still giggling, his eyes never leaving Dominic._

_“What I don’t get is why Pete didn’t encourage you to fatten up the natural way like he’s hassling me to do,” Sean snorted. “It’s not fair!”_

_“I just have a high metabolism,” Dom shrugged, his grin still plastered to his face._

_“And a ego to match,” Billy snarked, taking the seat next to Elijah. “What do you think Elwood? Does Monaghan have a big head or what?”_

_Elijah glanced at Billy and then at Dom, who was staring intensely back at him. Elijah’s mouth went dry just then as his eyes met Dom’s and all words left him. Dom was the world at that moment as Elijah sat there and got lost in that intense gaze, not knowing how to respond in a way that wouldn’t sound totally stupid._

_“I don’t think Elijah thinks that,” Dom smiled, his eyes gentle for just a moment, before turning teasing. “I think he thinks that we’re all crazy Brits who need to be serious for once. Am I right?”_

_“No. I’m the one that thinks that,” Sean spoke up instead, saving Elijah from having to answer. “Really guys. This is important. We have to make these costumes work. This project doesn’t only depend on our acting skills. It also depends on if we can look the part. Like Orlando, over there. I never thought anyone could fit the description of Legolas in the book, but there he is, and he’s taking it very seriously.”_

_“Hey Dom!” Orlando called over, his eyes sparkling. “Finally, I’m a leggy blond! Now will you go out with me?!”_

_The room burst into laughter, leaving Elijah giggling helplessly as Sean just huffed in his seat, taken aback that no one took his little lecture seriously. Feeling guilty, Elijah stifled his giggles and petted Sean’s arm. “You’re right, Sean. We do have to start taking this seriously. This can make or break our careers.”_

_  
Sean just gave him a dirty look, knowing that Elijah was just humoring him. “Yeah. Right. Well, I’m going to go get into my regular clothes. I won’t ask you to join. I know you rather be out here with these buffoons. See you later.”_

_“Is he always so serious?” Dom asked, watching Sean exit the trailer._

_“No…I think he’s just missing his wife and daughter,” Elijah explained, feeling the familiar tension that always overcame him when he in close vicinity of Dom return. He didn’t know why this always happened, but it did and it was driving him insane. Why couldn’t he be calm and collected like he was around Billy and Sean? Why must he always feel like he was sitting on pins and needles whenever he was around Dom? It made no sense. The only time he felt so tense was when he was around a particularly pretty girl that he had a crush on at the time…but Dom wasn’t a girl. He was all male…this tension just didn’t make any sense._

_“Poor bastard. I guess grumpiness is understandable. I do miss my mum something terrible sometimes,” Dom gently smiled, plopping down into the chair Sean had just vacated. “But let’s keep that between me and you, yeah? Don’t want Billy to take the piss about that on,” He nodded to Billy, who had gotten up to go talk to Orlando at the other side of the room. “So…how about you, Elwood? What do you miss most?”_

_Elijah shrugged and looked away, not knowing if he should answer that or not. Even though he really liked Dom and hoped that they would be very good friends, he didn’t know if he should open up so quickly. But those eyes were so friendly and open, and Dom had shared something with him, it was only fair that he did the same._

_“My sister, Hannah. We were always close, but this is going to be the longest that we’ve been apart and…well I’m really missing her a lot….,” Elijah blushed, looking away from that inquisitive stare. “I always feel so protective of her. Who’s going to look after her now that I’m not there? Who’s going to be there to comfort and hold her or just listen to her as she cries over the latest guy that breaks her heart? That was always my place…but now…”_

_“You’re going to be too far away for far too long, right?” Dom asked, his eyes serious and understanding._

_Elijah found himself awed that someone had gotten his reason for concern right off the bat like that. “Yeah. Exactly. She’s not used to looking after herself for this long…”_

_“Trust me, Elijah. She’ll be fine. It’s amazing how we adapt when situations change. There’s always the phone. I take it that you two talk to each other everyday, right?”_

_Elijah nodded, not knowing what else to say. He was actually having a conversation with Dominic. About Hannah, one of the most important people in his life, over a issue so close and personal…something he hadn’t even told Sean. What was it about Dominic? What made it so easy to talk to him like this…to feel like he was talking to someone he had known all his life instead of someone he had only known for a few weeks?_

_“I know it’s not the same as being there, but she can still cry on your virtual shoulder and you can still be there for her. Then there’s the holiday breaks. I’m sure you’ll be flying home as soon as possible. It’s not the same as being with her all the time…but…you two will still be together…still maintain that bond. Yeah?”_

_Elijah nodded, feeling a bit better, his loneliness dissipating a bit. For the first time, since this he arrived in New Zealand, he didn’t feel so cold and alone. There was at least one person here who understood…one person who got him, somehow. “Thank you, Dom. I…well…last night I was kind of down about it…but talking to you…”_

_“It helped?” Dom asked, a hand lightly touching Elijah’s, his eyes warm and sincere._

_“Yeah,” Elijah nodded. “It did. Thank you.”_

_“Anytime, Lijah. Anytime…”_

_**__**_

Present

_**__**_

The shrill ring of the telephone brought Elijah out of the memory, his vision a bit blurry and his body aching from sitting for so long. He hadn’t meant to sit for as long as he did, but he had just gotten carried away. Thank god for the phone or else who knew how long he was going to sit there, remembering one of the first intimate moments he had experienced with Dominic.

Picking himself up off the floor, Elijah went down into the bedroom he had once shared with Dominic and picked up the phone.

“Sean called. He said that you were going through Dom’s things in the attic,” Hannah’s tired voice came through the phone, along with the sounds of his nephew running about the place.

“Yeah. I am. It’s time Han…I’ve been putting it off for way too long. Besides, Matthew wants some of his stuff and it’s unfair for me to hold out like this…”

“Well then make him bring his fucking ass down there and go through Dominic’s things himself. Doesn’t he realize that you’re still grieving?” Hannah’s voice was a mixture of sympathy and anger. She had loved Dom as if he was her own brother, she had grieved when he had finally succumbed to the illness that had taken his life, but she was still very protective of Elijah, just like he was protective of her.

“He’s grieving too, Hannah. Besides, it’s time.”

“Well, at least let Billy or Sean help. Or I can…I can fly out tomorrow. Jake is off for a few weeks and I can come and help you sort through it all.”

Elijah closed his eyes, resisting the urge to snap at Hannah, something he had never done, not even when they were children. He didn’t want to start now, but she was being so pushy. Why couldn’t she understand that this was something that he needed to do. Alone. The moments he was spending up in that attic…it was going to be the last moments he’ll spend with Dom for the rest of his life. He didn’t want anyone disturbing that. It was to be just himself and Dom’s ghost…no one else. “No, Hannah. No. I’m fine, really. This is just something I’m going to have to do by myself.”

“B-but…”

“No. I mean it. Don’t ask, again. Please…”

Hannah sighed, defeat in her voice. “Fine. But at least call if you need to talk. Ok? At least give me that much.”

Elijah smiled, a bit touched by his sister’s tender concern, but glad that she wasn’t going to fight him too hard on his decision. “I promise. Now go take care of my nephew and tell him his Uncle Lij will be down to see him soon.”

“Ok. I love you, Lij. I just…I was just worried.”

“I know and I love you for it, but I’m fine. Really.”

“…Ok. Remember to call.”

“I will.”

“Ok,” Hannah sighed, “Bye, then. Take care.”

“Bye, Han,” Elijah hung up the phone, falling back against the bed, exhausted from the memories and the talk with his sister. Even though he didn’t want her help in sorting through the memories he and Dom had shared, he was thankful to her from bringing him out of that memory with her call. Who knew where else that memory would have taken him. Probably somewhere he really had no business going…at least not at the moment. Right now, he just needed to get some sleep and reserve his strength of the next day of sorting through memories.


	3. 3

_**__**_

Present…

_**__**_

Elijah was tired. He was tired of well meaning friends. He was tired of concerned calls. He was tired of in-laws who wanted their share…but most of all…he was tired of being without Dom. The other half of his soul. Normally, he’d do something to take his mind off Dom. Something like jogging or going to the gym to work the gloomy thoughts out of his system. But not today. Today was more memories to sift through…to relive…more tears to fucking cry.

Fuck! He hated this! Why now? Why did Dom’s brother decided now was the time to mention some family heirlooms Dom had in his possession and if it would be ok if Elijah sifted through Dom’s personal items…not only that, but memories as well. It made Elijah angrier than he’s been in a long long time, not to mention more depressed. Right now, he was thinking Hannah was right. Matthew should come look himself…but then that would be laying the private memories he had with Dom out for all to see and he just couldn’t do that. So he’ll sit here and go through mountains of memories and just hope that the heartache wouldn’t kill him.

Sighing, Elijah sifted through another box and pulled out a small cylinder container. Opening it, he found a small wooden stick and his lips stretched into a smile as the memory came to him. He remembered this stick and the worry and laughter it had brought on. That little splinter was probably the reason Dom had fallen for him in the first place and for that he’d always be grateful. He picked up the journal that he had set to the side and read the entry of that day. Dom’s handwriting was messier than ever…but his voice had never sounded so clear:

__

The hobbits are nicely bonded now. Sean and Billy are like my brothers…Elijah…he’s something else entirely different…something much more…I fear that my fondness for the youngest member of our merry band is turning into much much more. But I shall not even whisper a word of it. I’m sure that he’s straight anyway, not to mention that he’s so innocent. If anything were to happen between us, and it didn’t work out…the guys would have my arse…but what if it did work out…ok. Strike that thought. In fact, strike the entry. Nothing’s going to happen between us. It’s just not meant to be…

__

But it was meant to be. Dom had taught him how to love and be loved in return. He had taught him how to set back and relax…to enjoy life while it lasted…he winced at the last part of that thought. Dom’s life. It hadn’t lasted very long at all. It was far too short.

His eyes fell back onto the clear cylinder that contained the splinter that had once pained Dom enough to scream bloody murder. Such a little thing and Dom had acted like someone had chopped off his foot . He leaned back, letting the memory take him in and send him back to that day…that day where he and Dom had reached a new understanding…

_**__**_

October 20, 1999

_**__**_

_Elijah yawned as he stood against the tree, picking at a piece of string that he had found in his wig just a few minutes earlier. It had been an exhausting couple of months. Hobbit training, Stuart Townsend leaving, Viggo coming, and the endless filming…it was all starting to take a toll on Elijah. He was more careful about getting close to cast members now, just in case they leave. He was exhausted from waking up so early in the morning for fittings, and his ever increasing crush on Dom was driving him mad. Today they were filming the hobbits fleeing the Ring wraiths on the raft. So far, it’s been a whole lot of running and jumping and dodging, and he was ready to just go to bed and forget filming for a week. But instead, he’s leaning against a tree, trying to stay awake and listen to Peter’s instructions, which included more running, but this time with Merry in the lead and Frodo towards the back, lagging behind the others._

_“Run like your lives depend on it, boys,” Peter instructed, moving back behind the camera. “Make so like if you miss the raft, you’ll die.”_

_Elijah nodded, getting in position, remembering to lag behind a bit, to make it seem like Frodo had to catch up. He glanced up ahead and felt the familiar heat raise to his feet when he spotted Dom, laughing at something Billy had said. His eyes caught Elijah’s and he winked._

_“Will those two ever take this job seriously?” Sean whispered, watching Dom and Billy talk. “Honestly, how will we get anything done if they’re always goofing off?”_

_Elijah shrugged, feeling a surge of jealousy rush through him for what seemed like the hundredth time as he watched Dom squeeze Billy’s shoulder. Billy and Dom had hit it off right away and have been inseparable ever since. There was nowhere Dom went without Billy and nowhere Billy went without Dom. Usually, Elijah would be happy to see cast mates that got on so well, but with Dom and Billy it was different. If Dom was spending all his time with Billy, there would be no room for Elijah and that drove him crazy. This crazy crush was driving him insane…_

_“I don’t know,” Elijah sighed, looking away from the Dom-Billy show, a term he had come to use quite regularly. “I’m sure they’ll calm down enough to do the scene. They always do.”_

_“Ok guys! Let’s get moving!” Peter called out, still behind the camera._

_Just like that, Dom and Billy’s laughter stopped and their faces were serious and in stern concentration. Elijah was astounded. How they managed that so quickly…well his respect for the brits have gone up a few notches now._

_Dom was the first to go. He started off at a brisk pace, his expression tight and full of fright, as if he was running from something so horrible that he didn’t even want to think about it. He was just at the edge when he cried out in what sounded to be extreme pain and collapsed at the edge of the dock. Billy and Elijah were at his side immediately, while Sean stood over them, looking down in concern._

_“What happened?” Sean asked._

_“My foot!” Dom groaned, trying to step up, just to cry out again and collapse on the deck. Elijah felt his worry spike up to higher levels. Whatever was wrong, it was serious. Maybe the foot was broken? Or sprained? Maybe Dom would be forced to have it cut off…he shuddered at the thought of that. Silently he prayed for Dom. Please, Lord. Let him be alright…_

_“There’s something in there,” Billy looked closely at the foot. “We’re going to need some tweezers…”_

_Elijah winced at the mentioned of tweezers and took Dom’s hand in his unconsciously. He frowned when he noticed the sweat just pouring off Dom and how his boyish features were twisted in pain. “Fuck, Dom…it’ll be ok. Just hold my hand. We’ll get it out,” He tried to reassure Dom and himself as well, telling himself that it wasn’t as bad as it looked…that Dom would be fine._

_“If feels like a large piece of metal or something,” Dom groaned. “Let me try to stand up…maybe…Ah!” He cried out again and was back on the deck. “Fuck…”_

_“Sean went off to get some tweezers. He should be back soon,” Billy nodded to where Sean had stood only a moment before. “Still paining ya, Dom?”_

_“What do you think?” Dom glared at his friend._

_“Got them!” Sean called out moving through the people that had stare to crowd around the three hobbits._

_“Allow me,” Peter took the tweezers and knelt in front of Dom’s injured foot._

_“Hold my hand Dom,” Elijah tightened his grip, his eyes worried and his voice concerned. He ignored Billy’s knowing stare and light giggle. Obviously he just figured out that Elijah’s feelings for Dom went beyond friendship._

_“Yeah. Hold on to Lij, Dom. He’ll take care of ya, yeah?” Billy smiled at his friend then winked at Elijah, who again blushed._

_“Just get the bloody thing out please!” Dom squeezed his eyes shut, his hold on Elijah’s hand tightening as Peter went to get the splinter out._

_“Ah, here we are!” Peter held up the tweezers closed against a tiny stick of wood, his eyes brimming with amusement._

_Billy and Sean both blinked, but it was Billy who broke out in riotous laughter. “Blimey, is that what all that commotion was about? A tiny stick? Jesus, Dominic. Must have been a whopper to cause such a reaction…”_

_Dom sat there and glared, his face red with embarrassment. “It fucking hurt! Felt like a piece of metal or something,” he angrily replied, looking away from his friends. “It wasn’t in your foot now was it?”_

_“Well if it were, I wouldn’t have been all fainting dead away about it,” Billy continued to take the piss. “From all the moaning and sweating you did…I thought it was something gigantic! Not a wee little splinter!”_

_“Piss off,” Dom huffed._

_Elijah in the meantime wasn’t as amused either. That splinter could have been something serious…it could have set up blood poisoning or something. He didn’t like seeing Dom be embarrassed like this. Besides, Dom was always taking up for him when Billy started taking the piss. Always coming to the rescue with a good natured smile and a soft whisper about british humor and not to take Billy too seriously, feeding him good come backs so he could hold his own. Now it was Elijah’s turn to return the favor._

_“Not funny, Billy. We’re lucky that’s all it was. Accidents on movie sets happen everyday and it’s best to be prepared. Besides…that splinter wasn’t all that tiny and the ends of it looked to be really sharp. Dom was in real pain there. Besides, if it had been me, I would have been in fucking tears, man.”_

_Chastised, Billy’s laughter faded, but his face still showed signs of amusement, but the taking the piss out of Dom was over. “Still, rather pitiful, if I do say so myself.” With a wink, Billy pulled Sean and Peter off towards the banquet tables, leaving Dom and Elijah alone on the dock, sitting in silence, holding each other’s hands._

_Elijah didn’t know what to say. He was too afraid to say anything or even look at Dom. He kept his eyes on the wooden planks of the dock, but kept his hands in Dom’s. It was Dom who broke the silence._

_“Lijah..I…thank you…” Dom stammered, his hand tightening on Elijah’s, causing the younger man to look up into eyes that were full of an emotion he couldn’t yet name…eyes that were warm and smiling and saw only him. Somehow Elijah did know that things were about to change between Dom and himself. He didn’t know how or when, but they would and all Elijah had to be was ready for it when it happened…_

_**__**_

Present…

_**__**_

Looking back, Elijah now knew the name of the emotion that was in Dom’s eyes that day. An emotion that Elijah had never seen directed at him but always at other people. What he had seen was the beginning of deep and all consuming love…a love that refused to die…even when one of them were in the grave…

Closing his eyes, he prayed for Dom…that he was watching over him…that his love would always surround Elijah in the coming days, because he knew that things were just going to get harder from here.


	4. 4

 

**__**

Present Day

**__**

Elijah sighed and smiled as the memory of that day faded. That incident had been the one that made Dom see that Elijah probably saw him more than just a friend and wanted more of their relationship and that he had wanted the same thing too. He’d never forget those days afterwards, how Dom was always at his side. Whenever he went somewhere with Billy, he had made sure to invite Elijah as well, not taking no for an answer. It had been a fun time and for the first time Elijah had felt like he belonged, something he hadn’t felt in a good long time and it had all been thanks to Dom.

He wiped more tears away from his eyes as he thought about those carefree, sunny days. Just on the cusp of something that had changed both of their lives forever. It had been a magical time. Elijah would do anything to be able to just go back. Hear that voice…hear that laugh…have those long, gentle fingers brush against his skin as Dom whispered a joke into his ear in an attempt to make him laugh and smile even more.

But it was all gone now, those days. The Fellowship had moved on, only to come together again when one of their own passed on, leaving Elijah to grieve the loss of a lifetime full of joy.

Fighting the gloom that was threatening to overcome him, Elijah reached into another box and pulled out a brochure to Arrowhead. He smiled as he remembered that day, so long ago, when he, Orlando, and Dom had driven down and what had happened afterwards…the very thing that had brought him and Dom together at last…

__

November 9, 1999

__

Elijah stretched his sleep-stiffened muscles and glanced at the clock. It was still very early morning and despite another day off, much to the unhappiness of Peter, Elijah still had to get up early. Today was all planned. Take a nice drive down to Arrowhead and enjoy the day hiking in the woods with Orlando and best of all, Dom. He blushed at the thought of Dom. Of course Orlando would be with them, but this would be the first time he’d be with Dom without the rest of the hobbits to join them…without Billy to distract Dom’s attention.

__

Elijah winced. That wasn’t very nice. He liked Billy. He was as good as a brother to him. But it didn’t help that he seemed to follow Dom wherever he went. It didn’t give him very much time alone with Dom. Now with it being just the two of them with Orli along…well it’d give him more time to get Dom alone…maybe even get to know him more.

__

A loud knock at his hotel room door broke him out of his thoughts, sending him scurrying for last minute items, like his jacket, a lighter, and his precious pack of cloves. Oh and not to forget his glasses. There was something else he was forgetting, but for the life of him he couldn’t think of what. Oh well. Couldn’t be important if couldn’t even remember what the item was.

__

“Lijah! Orli and I are ready to hit the road. Are you ready or do we have to leave your beautiful arse here to waste away with Bills and Sean?!” Dom’s voice floated through the door, causing a warm shiver to slide down Elijah’s spine, making him blush. Elijah couldn’t help but roll his eyes at his reaction. When was he ever going to get used to that voice and stop acting like a girl whenever that voice said his fucking name. It was fucking embarrassing, man and if Dom found out…well there would be no end to the piss-taking. Unless he felt the same way…Elijah sighed and shook his head. There was no way on this earth that Dom felt as deeply for Elijah as Elijah felt for him. It was just impossible. Men like Dom…they were ladies men. They could charm the skirt off any girl…they didn’t go for men like Elijah. Shy, young, virginal men…fuck, he had never felt so young in his life.

__

“I’m coming! Hold on!” Elijah called out, grabbing his things and rushing out the door, looking forward to a day with Dom…and Orli…

__

~*~

__

The day fucking sucked. At least it did in Elijah’s mind. It seemed like Orli and Dom had completely forgotten that he was even there as they talked about all things English. They only had spoken to Elijah a handful of times and the rest of the time, Elijah was left to his own devices. Which was to smoke his cloves and daydream about Dom. He just couldn’t believe it. He was so fucking close, yet still so far away. Dom might as well be on another planet instead of in New Zealand.

__

He sighed and leaned his head against his hotel room door, wanting to take a minute before he went inside. He was just so fucking disappointed. This was supposed to be his chance to get some alone time with Dom…maybe even confess his feelings…but that didn’t happen and with the way things were going, it wasn’t ever going to.

__

“Hey Doodle,” Dom interrupted Elijah’s swirling thoughts as he took out his keys to unlock his own door. “What are you doing standing there? Your bed is on the inside.”

__

“I know that,” Elijah forced a smile, again feeling a thrill that Dom was talking to him and for once that day, Elijah had all of his attention. “I’m just resting my head against the door for a minute.”

__

“Well don’t stay there too long. Astin might appear and start bustling about like a mother hen again,” Dom snorted, getting a small laugh from Elijah.

__

“Sean means well. He’s just perfecting the art of being my Sam, is all,” Elijah smiled, reaching for the keys, all eyes on Dom. But the smile turned to a frown as he searched his pockets and his key wasn’t there. What was worse, he now remember what he had forgotten that morning. “Fuck!”

__

“Problem, Lij?” Dom asked, just about to go in, his blue eyes staring at Elijah curiously.

__

Elijah blushed, feeling more embarrassed than usual. It wasn’t a habit for him to forget his key…he usually grabbed it first thing. He had just been so ecstatic that morning that he had completely forgotten to grab them. “I forgot my fucking key. Now I’m going to have to go down to the fucking front desk and beg for another one. Fuck!”

__

Dom shook his head with a small smile. “Rough luck. Listen, let the clerk sleep, yeah? You can bunk with me tonight. I have plenty of room.”

__

Elijah’s eyes widened, as he tried to hide his excitement. A night in Dom’s room? Alone with Dom? That was like…well…it was a fucking dream and he was positive that someone was going to wake him up at any second. “I don’t want to impose…”

__

“You’re not imposing. You’re one of my best mates, yeah? Why shouldn’t you stay the night?”

__

Because I want to lick the back of your neck and run my hands over your chest and kiss those lips…”Can’t think of a reason, really…ok. Thanks.”

__

“That’s what mates are for, love. Tomorrow, we’ll go down to the clerk and he can let you in,” Dom smiled, happy to be of some help to Elijah. Needless to say, he’s grown to be quite fond of the yank…maybe even more than fond. To be honest, he had felt a certain affinity for the young man ever since they first met, then when Elijah had taken his side during the whole splinter episode…well his feelings has been growing. He just wasn’t sure if he should do anything about them. Patricia had always talked about how unprofessional it was to get involved with co-stars. That things always ended badly…and bloody hell, he didn’t want things to end badly with Elijah. He wanted to be lifelong mates, if nothing else. If getting romantic with the yank ruined that chance of friendship…well he could pass…but did he really want to?

__

Elijah only hesitated for a second, still feeling like he was taking advantage of the situation, yet, he really didn’t want to disturb the people at the front desk and Dom was offering…it wasn’t like he was inviting himself over…right? “Ok…,” he smiled, trying to ignore the butterflies that were battling it out in the pit of his stomach.

__

Dom only smiled in response, opening the door for his guest to enter. “After you.”

__

Elijah swallowed down his nervousness and entered the suite, nearly jumping out of his skin at the sound of Dom closing and locking the door. He smiled nervously and sat down on a nearby couch, noticing a picture of himself, Billy, and Dom in hobbit gear. He smiled, touched that Dom would have a picture that included him.

__

“That’s the first day of filming,” Dom stood behind him. I do believe we were all nervous that day…”

__

Elijah just smiled and looked up at Dom, before his gaze drifted back to Billy. He winced at the shot of jealousy that bolted through him. He really had no clue where it came from. He knew that Billy was only a friend…just like he was. It just irked him that Billy was the one, out of all of them, that was closest to Dom. A part of him sometimes wondered if the two brits were more than friends. “So…does Billy visit you here a lot?”

__

“Yeah. He drops by,” Dom shrugged, moving towards the minifridge that came with the room. “What a soda, Elwood?”

__

“No thank you,” Elijah refused. Honestly, he didn’t think he’d be able to put anything in his stomach at the moment and it not come back up. “I’m good.”

__

“If you say so,” Dom grabbed a beer and collapsed next to Elijah, taking the picture out of his hands. “Enough about Billy, Lij. I want to talk about you. Are you still homesick for your sister?”

__

Elijah blinked in surprise. He didn’t know why, but he wasn’t expecting Dom to have remembered that little conversation. He was beyond touched and maybe a bit hopeful. If Dom is taking time to remember their conversations…maybe there’s feelings there that can turn into something more… “I’m good. I mean…I still miss her, but I’m so busy here and now that I’ve made such good friends…I don’t miss her as much. Um…thank you by the way…for talking me through that. It was tough and it probably would have been worse if you hadn’t been there to talk to.”

__

Dom smiled and shrugged. He wasn’t really expecting to be thanked. He just wanted to make sure that Elijah was alright…that he was comfortable with them now. “It was nothing…I know what it’s like to be away from home and missing family. As much as Mattie and I fought, I still miss the wanker, if you can believe that.”

__

Elijah chuckled and leaned back, feeling his muscles finally relax. It was funny. He’d start out in Dom’s presence, totally tense, then Dom would say something that would make him relax. After all, it seemed like Dom liked him, no matter his faults. And there were a lot of them. “I think we all miss our siblings. I know I miss Zack. The biggest pain in the ass you’d ever meet, but he loves me and….” He stops and blushed, embarrassed that he’s spilling so much about his private life to Dom. He really must think that he’s a naive little twit…”Sorry…didn’t mean to ramble on like that….”

__

“You weren’t rambling,” Dom smiled, unconsciously moving closer, his eyes never leaving Elijah’s…his want for the younger man at a nearly unbearable level now. “In fact…I kind of like the sound of your voice…it’s nice.”

__

Elijah blushed again, not knowing what to make of the compliment….or of how Dom was looking at him or how his face seemed to be getting closer to his own. “Really? I mean…I’m a bit nervous here and…I tend to talk on and on and on when I’m nervous and it can be rather annoying and…” all words were cut off as soft lips gently pressed against his own and all his senses opened up to the tingling sensations shooting through his body at that moment. He was being kissed…he was being kissed by Dom…and he wasn’t fucking ready for it, but that was ok…because he was being kissed by the man he had been crushing on for weeks now.

__

Dom couldn’t say what had come over him. He had no intention of kissing Elijah Wood that night and he was still pondering if he ever would…but sitting there next to Elijah…listening to that voice…feeling the pleasant heat from that body…he just couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and kissing the young man. When he pulled away, Elijah’s expressive blue eyes were closed and Dom couldn’t read any emotion on his face. Shit, maybe he had made a mistake…maybe he shouldn’t have kissed him like that…without warning. Elijah had trusted him and Dom had taken advantage of that trust. At any minute Elijah will go running out of the room screaming bloody murder…

__

But he did none of those things. Instead Elijah did something that if anyone told him he’d do a few days ago, he would have laughed. He cupped Dom’s face with gentle hands and pressed his lips to Dom’s once again, this time flicking his tongue out against Dom’s bottom lip, tasting him. He sighed as Dom’s arm wrapped around his waist and rested against his back and returned the pressure.

__

Needing to breathe, the boys broke apart and stared at each other in dazed amazement to find that their feelings were mutual. Dom smiled, touching Elijah’s face, his eyes sparkling with an emotion that Elijah couldn’t name, while Elijah himself was full of his own sweet surprise. The only word he could think of was finally. Finally, he not only got time alone with Dom…but their first kiss as well. He had been more than he had ever dreamed of…

__

**Present Day**

__

The entire relationship had been more than he had ever dreamed of. That night in Dom’s hotel suite had been Elijah’s first male kiss. Dom in fact had been his first male relationship and his last. Elijah knew from the moment his lips had met Dom’s that there would never be another for him. He wiped away the tear as he put away the brochure. At that moment, he wanted to touch those lips again…feel that arm wrap around him…to have that moment of the first kiss revisited. But that was impossible now. Dom was gone forever and he was alone, with nothing left but memories of what had been.


	5. 5

_**_Present Day_ ** _

 

Elijah sipped at his coffee and read the paper, wanting to make the morning one of doing nothing at all but relaxing on his veranda.  It had been a long week, between reading scripts that his agent insisted on sending him and going through Dom’s things in the attic…or rather not going through Dom’s things in the attic.  He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.  The pain had gotten too great, to remember the first days of their love and knowing that he’ll never have that again. 

 

The knock on the door interrupted the quiet morning air, causing Elijah to look up with a grimace.  Fuck.  This was the last thing he needed.  Well meaning company, probably stopping by to make sure he wasn’t a weeping mess after going through all of the memorabilia upstairs.  He was tempted to just sit there and hope that whoever it was would go away.  He would have done that too, but he knew that doing so would be useless.  Whoever it was would just sit outside and wait, so he might as well get up and answer the sodding door.  He winced again at that word…Dom’s word.  He was never going to get used to not hearing it. 

 

Sighing, He got up and opened the door to the one person that he absolutely didn’t mind a visit from.  A person that understood and shared his grief. 

 

“Billy.  What are you doing here, man?  I thought you were playing a gig in New York this weekend…,” Elijah hugged his friend.  Ever since Dom’s death, Billy and Elijah had grown closer than after.  Their love for Dom and their common grief made it necessary for them to join together in their need to grieve.  The others meant well, but it was Billy that knew how Elijah felt.  After all, he had loved Dom too, the way Elijah did…he felt the lost just as great.

 

“I did, but it was cancelled at the last minute.  So I decided to come and see if what they say is true,” Billy returned the hug before following the younger man into the quiet house.  He bit his lip as fresh tears rose to his eyes.  He could still feel Dom here.  It’s been a year and there were still signs that once there was a man known as Dominic Monaghan and that he once lived here…and the sense of loss and grief…the room was swimming in it.  “Bloody hell, Lij…please tell me that it’s not…that the wanker wasn’t cruel enough to ask you to…”

 

Elijah sighed, the weight of his task weighting on his shoulders.  “It was going to have to be done sooner or later Billy.  I couldn’t put it off forever.”

 

“Well, you should have called me.  I’d be here with you.  I did promise…”

 

“I know. You promised Dom that you’d look after me and I appreciate that.  But some things…well they were meant to be done alone.  “

 

Billy sighed, shaking his head.  He wished Elijah had called him.  Even if it was just to sit and hold his hand while he sifted through what must have been painful memories.  It wasn’t just that Dom would have wanted him to…it was also that he knew if it were him…he’d need the support.  Elijah must be dying inside.  “I just wish you had called me.  Dom would have wanted you to be with someone while doing this.  He wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone…”

 

Elijah looked away, returning to his seat.  “I know.  Dom wouldn’t even want me doing this.  I could have told Matthew to come look himself…but those things…Dom’s things…they’re private.  They’re our memories and I don’t want Matthew ripping through everything looking for the pictures that were taken in Paris.  Besides…it’s long over due.  I should have done this months ago.”

 

Billy sighed and took the seat opposite Elijah, his eyes examining the younger man.  After all these years, Elijah still looked like that 18 year old kid with the angelic face.   It was easy to fall in love with that face and that spirit, which was why he never begrudged Elijah Dom’s affections…despite his own feelings.  He knew that he could never have made Dom as happy as Elijah had.  Elijah had made Dom’s short life one full of love, happiness, laughter, and light. 

 

He closed his eyes and remembered the day that he realized that Dom and Elijah was a couple and not just any couple…that they were soul mates…

 

**__Year 1999_ _ **

_It had been a long day of filming and Billy was ready to hit the bars with Dom.  It had been too long since they have spent any time together.  It seems that  for the past month, Dom spent most of his time with Elijah.  Not that Billy was complaining.  He liked the kid and knew that he and Dom had a lot in common, but there were things that Billy needed to talk about with Dom…feelings that needed to be revealed and decisions to be made.  Not that the cheeky one even knew about Billy’s feelings for him.  All he knew was that Billy was his best mate in this place and was perfectly straight.  If only he knew the truth…_

_Sighing, Billy stepped out of the trailer to head over to Dom’s.  The plan was to drag Dom out tonight, just the two of them.  Get them both good and drunk, and then confess all.  Tell Dom how Billy thought of nothing but him.  How he dreamed about him at night and hung onto his every word during the day.  How Billy wanted more than friendship from Dom…that he wanted them to be lovers.  This way, just in case Dom didn’t return his feelings, Billy can always blame it on drinking way too much and things could go back to the way they were before. Best mates and Billy joining Elijah in his pining for something he could never have._

_Walking up to Dom’s trailer, Billy prepared to knock when he heard an all too familiar giggle.  Only one person had a giggle like that.  Frowning, he peered through the window and his heart dropped at what he saw.  Dom and Elijah, on Dom’s couch.  Dom was straddling Elijah, tickling the younger man, mercilessly.  Elijah’s was laughing and wiggling to get away to no avail._

_Billy swallowed down tears as he came up with a rational explanation for this.  Dominic and Elijah were friends.  Of course they’d be hanging out at each other’s trailers.  It made perfect sense for Dom to be a top the younger actor, tickling him mercilessly while the other one laughed in pure joy.  He’d laugh in joy too if he was in that position. Not because he wanted Dom…which they both did.  There was no denying that, but because he was having a good time with a dear friend.  Pushing back all suspicions, Billy moved to knock on the door when what came next stopped him in his tracks.  All laughter had ceased.   Billy stood at the window and watched as Dom and Elijah stared into each other’s eyes and all his hopes shattered as he watched their lips join in a kiss that could only exist between lovers.  Elijah’s arms had wrapped around Dom’s back and Dom’s elegant fingers tenderly stroked Elijah’s cheek…as if he was the most precious possession in the world._

_Billy had stepped back, blinking back tears, his mind reeling.  That was supposed to have been him in there.  Those lips that Dom was kissing, that cheek that was enjoying the gentle stroke of Dom’s fingers…they were all supposed to have been Billy’s own.  Instead, they were Elijah’s, because Billy had waited too long.  He had fooled around and allowed the younger, prettier man to step into his place at Dom’s side, instead.  Then again…was that place ever really his?  Hadn’t he been the first to notice Dom’s crush on Elijah?  Hadn’t he made it his mission to tease the brit mercilessly about not having the nerve to tell Elijah his feelings?  What had Billy expected?_

_Billy you twit.  What have you been thinking this whole time?  Of course, they would have gotten together eventually.  Elijah always had a crush on Dom and when you saw Dom beginning to develop a crush of his own…why did you even entertain that you had a chance?_

_Because I was determined to be blind to what was right in front of me.  I didn’t want to know.  I wanted to ignore it.  But I can’t ignore it now.  Dom and Elijah are together…they’re happy together.  He had no choice but to let it be.  Get over it._

_Sighing, he walked back to his tent, feeling horribly alone.  The plan he had to woo Dom was now in ruins…and he really couldn’t be angry about it, because he knew that Elijah would love Dom in the way he deserved.  What he had witnessed in Dom’s trailer, was the joining of soul mates.  Lovers that were meant to be together.  Elijah and Dom’s relationship will grow.  It’ll stand strong and last for years and years.  Elijah and Dom had a life time together…_

__

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you Billy.  I know…I know that you loved him too and would have helped.  But I couldn’t put you through that.  It’s bad enough that I have to…,” Elijah interrupted Billy’s thoughts, staring down at the table he was sitting at. 

 

“Next time, call me.  Ok?  I don’t mind it.  Dom would want me to be here for you and that’s what I aim to do.”

 

Elijah just smiled, feeling happy and relieved.  He knew Billy, if anyone, would understand his pain.  Wiping away stray tears from his eyes, Elijah got up to make some tea. 


	6. 6

Chapter 6

_**_Christmas Present Day_ ** _

_  
_

  Elijah sighed, as he stood at the window, watching his neighbors get ready to go away for the holidays.  Cars were packed and houses were locked.  Everyone was heading for a place covered in ice and snow, while he stayed here in sunny California.  Of course, he could have always visited relatives in Cedar Rapids, but he always felt like an outsider whenever he spent Christmas there.  People that should have been so familiar to him felt like strangers.  Especially since Dom’s death.  No one ever knew what to say to someone who lost the love of their life.  So after last year’s disaster, he decided to just stick it out in the house that had seen a lot of happy Christmas’s.  Christmas’s with Dom by his side.

 

He sighed and turned away from the window, his holiday mood nonexistent.  He was still not finished with the task of going through memories.  After Billy’s visit, he had indeed tried to go back to the task, but something in him just wouldn’t let him.  The past few weeks had been a fucking roller coaster for his emotions and he just couldn’t take anymore.  So, he had returned to his lonely life, keeping Dom at the back of his mind.  Letting his task linger and linger some more, until that morning, when Matthew called, wanting to know if he had found the picture yet. 

 

_“I really need it…”_

_“I know, I’m sorry.  It’s just so hard…”_

_“I can come look for myself,If  you’d just allow me…”_

_“No!  No, I’ll do it…I’ll find the picture.  I’m sorry it’s taking me so long, but it will get done…”_

 

Standing against the door, his eyes closed tight, Elijah wished he had listened to Matthew and let him look for the picture himself…but each time he thought about giving in, his heart screamed about Dominic’s memories and how they were private and meant for his eyes alone.  He bit his lip as he suppressed the urge to throw something, to curse Dom for dying and leaving him with this silent house and leaving this empty shell he had become.  Cursing him for not giving Matthew the fucking picture when it was taken.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, yet shuddering breath, reigning in his emotions.  It was time to begin his search again and he needed them under some semblance of control.  Opening his eyes, straightening his clothes, smoothing out any wrinkles, he made his way up to the attic, ready to tackle the memories once again. 

 

Everything was right where he had left it weeks ago.  Items he had already gone through were stashed away on the opposite side of the room.  Items he had yet to go through were right in front of him, ready for his perusal. 

 

A smile brushed his lips as he saw a withered mistletoe, laying on top of the first box he came to.  Tears sprang to his eyes along with the memory as he picked it up and stared at it in disbelief. 

 

“I can’t believe this thing has lasted for this entire time…” 

 

He lifted the plant to his nose and inhaled, a memory slipping over him, already taking him back to a time where Dom still existed and their love had been so new….

 

_December 1999_

  _Elijah stood inside the terminal, pacing, ignoring the sense of loss.  He couldn’t understand this.  Right now, he should be happy.  Full of anticipation to see his family again.  But all he could think of was Dominic and how this was going to be the first time they were going to be an ocean apart since they’ve gotten together.  Elijah understood why Dominic turned down the offer to spend Christmas in the US with him.  After all, Dominic was also a far ways from home and was looking forward to seeing his family again.  Plus, it wouldn’t be long.  Just a few weeks and they’ll be back in New Zealand again, snogging the sense out of one another.  It was just that…he felt like he was leaving a piece of himself behind….a vital piece that he just couldn’t live without. Was he so deep in love already?_

_He was about to head over to the roll of seats to wait for his flight when a arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him against a strong, familiar chest._

_“Guess who,” the familiar British voice whispered into his ear, causing shivers to travel through his body_

_“Dommie…,” Elijah giggled, turning around to gaze into familiar blue-grey eyes._

_Dom grinned, pleased that Elijah recognized his voice so easily.  He pulled the younger man close, his nose rubbing against Elijah’s.  “Hi.”_

_“I thought you had already left.  Wasn’t your flight like, an hour ago?”_

_Dom giggled, ruffling Elijah’s hair, affection clear in his teasing gaze. It was evident that there was more than friendship between the two boys…at least to anyone that cared to look.  “I booked a later flight.  I wanted to see you one more time before I took off…I wanted to give you something.”_

_Elijah arched his brow.  He hadn’t been expecting this.  Dom had already given him so much since they met.  His friendship…his heart…they were both more than Elijah had ever hoped to receive.  “You did…Dom…you didn’t have to.  I mean…you’ve given me so much already…”_

_“Not nearly enough,” Dom shook his head, his gaze firm and serious.  His hands gently cupped Elijah’s face, his eyes staring deeply into Elijah’s own.  “I want to give you the world, Lijah.  The whole bloody world.  I won’t be satisfied until I do.”_

_Elijah blushed and looked away from those intense eyes, not knowing what to say.  He had never been with a guy like Dominic before.  He was so…intense about everything.  Sometimes it scared him…but most of the time…times like now…it took his fucking breath away.  “I don’t want the world…”_

_I just want you…_

_Elijah sighed at the thought, wondering what Dominic would say if he said that sentence aloud.  Would he stay and see where this could lead?  Or would it scare him away, thinking that Elijah was moving too fast…wanted too much?  Well He wasn’t willing to find out.  Not yet…_

_Elijah nervously swallowed, not sure how to respond.  He just stood there, looking into Dom’s eyes…wanting him…needing to feel those parted lips against his own.  Kissing Dominic was like heaven and he wanted heaven before a plane whisked him away to LA, where he won’t see Dom again until the New Year, when it was time to come back to New Zealand._

_“Look above you, Lijah…” Dom whispered, now standing so close that Elijah could feel his breathe on his face.  Cinnamon and maple.  Dom’s breath smelled of breakfast._

_Taking one more deep breath, Elijah glanced up and gasped.  Dom had his hand up above Elijah’s head, holding a bright green mistletoe.  Elijah blushed and looked at Dom, not sure how to proceed._

_“I think it’s a tradition for us to snog, since we’re under the mistletoe.  Don’t you?”_

_Elijah chuckled.  “Of course.”_

_Yet he didn’t move any closer.  He couldn’t.  He wanted Dom to be the one to take the initiative…to take what he wanted from Elijah, while Elijah gave freely._

_Dom just smiled as he leaned in and pressed his lips to Elijah’s, his free hand now stroking Elijah’s face, so softly that Elijah could barely feel the warm fingers on his skin, which was fine, because his full attention was on the feel of Dom’s lips against his own, sliding against the plump flesh, a tongue flicking against them, asking for entrance.  Elijah sighed, opening his mouth, letting Dom’s tongue enter his waiting mouth, relishing the taste of cinnamon and maple syrup._

_Elijah sighed again.  This by far, wasn’t the first kiss they had shared, but it was by far, one of the best.  Elijah couldn’t get enough as he found himself sinking even further into the kiss, losing all sense of place and time.  The only thing he was aware of was Dom’s lips and just how delicious he tasted._

_They stayed in that spot for a few more minutes, lost in the world that their farewell kiss had plunged them into, almost missing the announcement that Elijah’s flight was boarding.  Reluctantly, Elijah pulled away, already missing Dom’s lips…his arms…his scent…just missing Dom.  Fuck.  How was he ever going to be able to walk away now?  It’ll be weeks before he experiences a kiss like this again._

_“I don’t think I can go…”Elijah bit his lip, running his tongue against the flesh, trying to pick up any remainder of Dom’s taste that may still be there._

_“You have to.  Hannah’s waiting.  She’s looking forward to seeing you, remember?  You both were so homesick…” Dom’s voice was husky and full of longing.  It was obvious that he would like nothing more than to keep Elijah with him._

_“She’d understand…she’ll understand when I tell her about you…”_

_“Which you were going to do on this visit home.  Go love.  Go see your family.  I’ll see you next year,” Dom took a step back, his body shivering against the cool air, missing the feel of Elijah’s heat against him.  “Go Lijah…”_

_Elijah sighed.  He wasn’t ready, but he had no choice.  He was expected.  He took another look at Dominic, wanting to stay.  Wanting to hold on to him forever.  “I’ll call…”_

_“I will too…”_

_“Don’t fucking forget what I look like, ok?”_

_“Promise…”_

_Elijah rushed back into Dom’s arms and crushed their lips together, clinging to the other man when strong arms tightened around him and held him against a firm chest, a few seconds longer.  He groaned with displeasure as Dom finally let him go, pressing the mistletoe into his hand._

_“Look at this and remember this moment…our first good bye kiss…”_

_“Of course,” Elijah smiled, tears streaming from his eyes.  His eyes never left Dom as he backed away, committing the older boy to memory…a memory he held throughout that long plane ride that took him away to America, where his family was waiting...where sleepless nights staring at the mistletoe that brought that mind-blowing kiss into being awaited him…_

**_Present…_ **

 

Elijah sighed and placed the crumpled plant back where it had come from.  Back into a boxful of memories.  He wiped away a tear, thinking of how that day had been the start of a number of poignant goodbyes…but none had been as painful as the very last good-bye that he and Dom had shared.  The last good-bye was the one that had taken Dom away from him forever.  There would be no more returns to New Zealand, or the main land.  No more meetings in different parts of the country or some convention.  There was nowhere on this earth that Elijah would ever find himself in Dom’s presence again.   His lovely Dom was gone from him, forever and Elijah didn’t know if he could even begin to deal with that.

 




 


	7. 7

Elijah sipped at his tea.  The holidays were over at fucking last.  Christmas and New Years had passed uneventfully.  He just wished that he could have said the same for his birthday.  Tomorrow was the big day and he had made it more than clear that he did not want a party or to go out.  All he wanted to do was curl up somewhere and be alone with his thoughts and memories of happier birthdays.  Birthdays when Dom was alive and well.  Birthdays that Dom had always made special somehow to make up for his first birthday they had spent together. 

 

Elijah sat down his tea and picked up a magazine, hoping to find something of interest to read to take his mind off this endless task of sifting through the memories he and Dom had shared.  There was still no sign of that picture and Elijah was growing impatient, as was Matthew.  Really, Elijah didn’t know how much longer he could keep any of this up.  He might just have to let Matthew come and search for the fucking thing himself. 

 

He squeezed his eyes shut at that thought, not able to stand the thought of someone else pawing through the memories that he and Dom had shared.  They were all precious and special to him and to have them defiled, just because he was too weak…well it was just not an option.  He couldn’t be weak.  Not now.  He had to be strong.  For Dom’s sake if no one else’s.  He had to find that picture and soon…before Matthew insisted on finding it himself and there was no other choice but to let him.

 

Elijah got to his feet, ready to head for the attic when the phone rang, disturbing the heavy silence that he had grown so accustomed to.  He stood there in silence, not wanting to pick up the phone.  It could be another bill collector for all he knew.  Instead, the voice that spoke was Viggo’s, the one man that Elijah considered to be his surrogate father.  Fuck, there was no telling how happy Elijah was that it was him on the other line. 

 

“Hey Doodle,” Viggo greeted, his voice cheerful, yet had a tinge of sadness.  “Just called to make sure that you had survived another holiday gathering.”

 

“It was fucking awful of course,” Elijah sighed, collapsing into a chair.  “Everyone with their significant other…them all asking me questions and saying how sorry they were…I should never have gone.  It was a bad idea.”

 

“I don’t think so.  If nothing else, you showed them that you were still among us.  That you’re strong and can make your way through the pain of losing the love of your life.  That you’re a strong, determined man.  Dom would be proud…”

 

“Well Dom wasn’t there, now was he Vig?  He’ll never be there again.  He’s dead,” Elijah almost snapped his voice harsher than he had meant it to be.  He shouldn’t do that.  He shouldn’t get pissed at Viggo.  It wasn’t his fault.  He sighed and lit clove, needing the exotic taste to calm his frazzled nerves.  “I’m sorry Vig.  I shouldn’t have snapped like that.  It’s just…fuck…going through the things in the attic…on top of the party…”

 

“It’s alright Lij.  I understand.  You miss him…but you’re not alone, alright.  We all miss him.  We just want to make sure that you’re alright.  In fact…well…there’s going to be a reunion of the fellowship soon and…”

 

“What?”

 

“A reunion.  We want to make sure that you come…” Viggo’s voice was low and a bit apologetic.  Somehow the man knew what was rising up in Elijah. 

 

The younger man closed his eyes, pushing down the rage and hurt that was pouring into his chest, almost making it impossible to breathe.  “A reunion?”

 

“Pete and Fran’s idea…and…”

 

“A fucking reunion?!   Dom wanted to do a reunion before it had gotten too bad, but you all were too fucking busy!”

 

“Elijah…”

 

“You and Orli and your fucking movies!  Sean B and Sean A. too all had something better to do!  The only ones up for it were Billy and Andy!  The rest of you didn’t give a shit to even try!”

 

“Elijah calm down…”

 

“No!  Because Dom wanted us all to get together before he…before he was gone and you all blew him off, now two years later, you have the fucking gall to ask me to join your fucking reunion!  Well guess what Viggo! I’m busy!  I’m not going to be there without Dom!  Fuck!  There shouldn’t even be one without him!”

 

Hot tears fell from Elijah’s eyes, his pale fist curled into a tight fist.  If he could, he would have reached through the phone and throttled Viggo.  “You’ll have to do without Frodo and Merry!”

 

“Elijah, you’re blowing this out of proportion.  At the time Dom wanted to do it, we all were stuck in obligations we had to fulfill…we couldn’t just drop everything…believe me.  We wanted to, but we couldn’t…and this reunion is to honor Dom as well as the fellowship as a whole…”

 

Elijah laughed derisively, his anger refusing to make sense of Viggo’s words.  It all seemed like rubbish to him.  Excuses to get them all off the hook.  “Fellowship?  What fellowship?  The fellowship died long before Dom did.  Fuck off Viggo and don’t bother calling back”

 

With that said, he hung up, burying his head in his hands as hot sobs overcame him.  He couldn’t believe this.  He just couldn’t.  After all this time, they were all going to meet…something Dom had wanted them to do, but no one had made the time.  Now he was gone and they were going to meet and talk on old times.  Dom would have loved that…it was a dream come true for him.  But now it was all worthless, because Dom couldn’t enjoy their long awaited reunion.  He couldn’t sit at Pete’s table in New Zealand and laugh and reminince with old friends…because he was dead.  He’d never be able to do what he had dreamed for so long and it made Elijah beyond pissed that their fucking friends waited so long…until it was too late to come together.

 

The worse part was…he knew that Dom would have wanted him to go in his stead.  Dom would have wanted Elijah to sit amongst them and remember happier times in New Zealand and be surrounded by friends and loved ones.  But he couldn’t.  He felt too betrayed.  Besides…he had enough memories to keep him busy up in that attic. 

 

Speaking of the attic, it was time to go back up and search some more for that picture.  His anger and grief still with him, Elijah got to his feet and went up to the attic, trying not to think anymore, but failing.  He knelt before the pile of memoirs, running a hand over a closed box.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this anymore, Dom…I…” A strangled sob cut off his words as he leaned against the box, letting his tears take over.  The anger of the coming reunion had taken a lot out of him.  He wiped at his tears and tore the box open, to find a stack of magazines.  He picked up the first magazine and sniffed.  It was the photo shoot with Ian, himself, Sean, Billy, and Dom…all in full costume.  He remembered that photo shoot well….

 

**_January 2000_ **

_Elijah smiled and blinked rapidly as the camera flashed again.  This was the first photo shoot with Gandalf and the hobbits for Vanity Fair and he had to admit to being a bit nervous.  For one, he didn’t know Ian all that well, but from Dom and Billy’s reactions, he knew that he was a well respected actor and playing opposite him as Frodo was a bit intimidating.  Then there was Dom.  He was afraid that the camera may catch an affection gaze from Frodo to Merry if he didn’t keep his eyes glued in front of him.  He was also afraid the camera would capture him blushing when he heard Dom’s accented voice talking to Billy.  This was something that he just couldn’t help.  Dom’s voice was one of his great turn ons.  If only Dom would just shut up…_

_“How about we take a break,” the photographer grinned, stepping away from the camera.  “We have a lot more photos to take and we’ll end up grumpy if we don’t eat soon.  At least I will.”_

_Everyone laughed, even Elijah, who was yet again distracted by Dom’s laughter, not having to look to know that his entire face was lit up in amusement.  When Dom laughed, he laughed with his entire body.  It was another thing he loved about the handsome Brit._

_“See you guys in another hour,” The photographer waved, heading for the food table._

_“Well, my boys, that was an experience,” Ian chuckled.  “I do hope they like Gandalf…that he fits the image of the books.”_

_“Gandalf is perfect, mate.  You’re just how I pictured him when I read the books,” Dom reassured the older actor._

_“Dear Dominic always knows what to say,” Ian chuckled._

_Yes, Dom did always have the right words, no matter the occasion.  Just another thing for Elijah to admire.  Right now, he wanted to go somewhere to think.  Ever since they had returned from Christmas break, Dom had not said anything about their relationship.  Not that Elijah had brought it up either, but from all actions, it seemed that Dom just wanted to go back to being good friends.  Elijah needed to get by himself and think on whether he could do that.  He had thought of nothing but Dom all throughout the break, wondering what he was doing.  Wondering if he was thinking of him too.  He had expected deep kisses and hugs that spoke volumes when they reunited.  Instead, Dom had ran off with Billy and had largely avoided being alone with him.  If Dom really did want to be just friends, Elijah wished that they hadn’t started anything at all._

_Sighing, he walked to his trailer, wanting to get away from everyone for an hour.  He just needed time to sort this thing with Dom out.  He didn’t know what to make out of anything at the moment.  He just knew that he wanted to be with Dom more than anything and if Dom decided that he didn’t want to be with him…it’ll be a lot harder to work with him._

_A small knock on the door disrupted Elijah’s thoughts, bringing him back to the world.  Who the fuck could this be now?  It wasn’t time to go back for the photo shoot and everyone was at the food tent.  Who would come here and why?_

_“Lijah?  Are you in there?”_

_Fuck.  Dom, the last person he wanted to see.  The first person he should.  Damn it, he couldn’t deal with this right now, but there was no choice.  No getting out of it.  Sighing, he went to the door, preparing himself for bad news._

_“Hey,” Dom greeted once the door was opened.  He stood on the other side, shifting from one foot to the other, looking as nervous as ever.  Elijah guessed that he had reason to be.  It mustn’t be easy to call off a love affair.  Elijah wondered who had gotten to Dom.  Was it fucking New Line?  Was it Sean, who had been making his displeasure about this new develop between Dom and Elijah known?  Was it Dom’s family, since he started acting so strangely when he returned from England?  What was it?_

_“Hey,” Elijah tried to smile, not giving a clue to his inner thoughts.  He wasn’t going to make this easy for Dom.  That was for sure.  He stood to the side, eyeing the older boy curiously.  “Come in.”_

_Dom did as instructed, taking a look around the trailer.  “Nice.  You’ve made this place even more comfy than I remember…”_

_“I figured it should be made more suitable for entertaining guests,” Elijah shrugged, walking over to the far corner of the room, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.  “So…is there anything specific you wanted to talk about?”_

_Dom looked at his feet, silent for a few more minutes, making Elijah even more certain that this was going to be a break up, but when he spoke, all thought of breaking up flew out of Elijah’s mind.  “Look, I know I haven’t been as attentive towards you, and I’m sorry.  You deserve better than that.”_

_Elijah looked at Dom, just noticing that Dom held some kind of small gift wrapped box in his hand.  He frowned.  What was this all about?  You don’t give gifts to ex-boyfriends…_

_“I guess you’d want to know what I’ve been doing with all that time.  Why I was so busy doing things that took my attention away from you.”_

 

 _“Yeah.  The thought had crossed my mind once or twice,” Elijah shrugged, turning away so Dom couldn’t see his face.  He didn’t want Dom to see how much he was hurt_. 

_“I wish I had an excuse of some kind.  A reason…and I guess I do…but it seems kind of lame now…”_

_“Well I’d be glad to hear it.  Even if you are breaking off whatever this is.  I mean, I understand if you do.  After we’re done filming, your career will take off and you don’t want to have to worry about being tied down.  Plus with…”_

_“What?” Dom blinked, staring at Elijah, his eyes clearly confused.  “Breaking it off?”  
  
_

_“I mean, that is why you’ve been avoiding me, right? Decided that a relationship wasn’t right for us.  That we should be friends?  You just didn’t know how to break it to me, so avoidance was the best thing…right?”_

_Dom looked at Elijah in stunned silence, his normally cheery eyes looking as if they’ve just realized something.  “Shit, I’ve really bollocked this up, haven’t I?”_

_“What?”_

_“I didn’t mean…I never meant for you to think that I was breaking up with you…I…fuck…I…was just so fucking nervous.”_

_“Nervous?” Elijah stared at Dom as if he had just told him that they weren’t in New Zealand, but in Disneyland and tomorrow they’ll head off for Universal Studios.  “What do you mean you were fucking nervous?  Dom, you made sure that you and I weren’t ever in the same room together alone.  It was painfully obvious that you didn’t want to have anything to do with me.”_

_“That’s not I meant to happen…I…”  
  
_

_Elijah crossed his arms now irritated and confused.  Ever since they’ve returned from Christmas break, Dom hadn’t said two words to him about their relationship and he had made it quite clear that he didn’t want any alone time with him.  Now here he was, telling Elijah that his avoidance wasn’t about what Elijah had to have assumed it to be.  That it was something else.  What the fuck?  “What did you mean to happen then, Dom?  That I would magically know the reason you were avoiding me?  That I knew you were nervous, which is completely ridiculous, because of the time we’ve spent together.  What were you fucking intentions?!”_

_“This,” Dom thrusted the small gift wrapped box into Elijah’s hand, his eyes wide and desperate to erase the damage he had caused.  “This was my intentions…I just couldn’t work up the bloody nerve to give it to you until now…”_

_Elijah looked at the wrapped box as if it was some kind of explosive.  He looked up at Dom, feeling more confused than ever.  He was halfway tempted to throw the box back in Dom’s face and tell him to fuck himself, but decided against it.  After all, he really wanted this relationship with Dom, and if what was in the box could give them a chance and erase the hurt of the past few weeks, well he was more than happy to open it._

_With trembling fingers, he pulled off the wrapping and carefully opened the box and gasped at what was inside.  His eyes darted up to stare at Dom in complete shock.  Inside was a silver ring with two hands holding a heart, with a crown on top of it._

_“It’s a Claddagh ring….wear it with the pointy end of the heart pointing towards you and it means…”_

_“That I belong to someone…” Elijah felt tears well up in his eyes at the meaning of Dom’s gift and knew why Dom had been so nervous.  What he was asking of Elijah was not something to be taken lightly.  It was big and Dom had every right to be nervous, even though he should have known what Elijah’s answer would be…then again, how would he.  They had only begun this part of their relationship.  “It’s beautiful Dom…”_

_“I wanted to give it to you when I returned from England…but I kept getting nervous…scared, each and every time.  That’s why I was avoiding you.  Not because I didn’t want you…but because I was too bloody scared to ask you to be mine…exclusively…”_

_Elijah had to admit that he was touched, beyond reason.  He hadn’t expected this.  It took him by surprise, but he was happy and relieved.  He looked up at Dom and grinned, a giggle slipping through his lips._

_“You silly Brit.  Of course I’ll be yours exclusively.  There’s no other answer than yes.  You should have known that,” He wrapped his arms around Dom, claiming his lips in a warm kiss.  Giggling again, he pushed the box into Dom’s hand.  “Here.  Put it on me…”_

_Dom smiled, tears now coursing down his own pale cheeks, he took the ring out of the box, and with trembling fingers, slipped the ring onto Elijah’s left ring finger.  “It’s official.”_

_Elijah just laughed and again threw his arms around Dom, holding him close.  What had started out as a miserable, gloomy day in Elijah’s book had turned out to be bright with sunshine and hope.  Hope that he and Dom would be together forever…._

_**Present Day….** _

 

But they hadn’t been together forever.  Dom had died and left Elijah here all alone, to yell at their friends for daring to reunite after Dom was gone.  To search for lost pictures amongst their memoirs.  To remember the love that they had.

 

Sighing, Elijah got to his feet and slipped down to the bed room.  He felt another ache as he looked at the bed that he now slept in alone.  As he looked at the now empty bedside table that had once held Dom’s belongings.  Elijah went to his dresser and pulled out the bottom drawer, and withdrew a familiar tiny box out from under the folded clothes and took out the Claddagh ring Dom had given him all those years ago. 

 

Stifling tears, he went to the bed he had once shared with a loving husband and held the hand now wearing the ring to his chest and let the hot tears flow.  He closed his eyes and silently cried, feeling Dom’s invisible presence somehow.  His tears soon stopped flowing and he snuggled into the bed, as if snuggling into his dead lover’s embrace, and fell asleep, perhaps feeling  a weightless kiss on his lips as his hand still remained curled against his heart.


	8. 8

Elijah yawned at the sound of the alarm clock and stretched out the kinks in his muscles.  He blinked against the blinding light that streamed through the window  and rubbed his hand against his eyes.  He frowned as he realized that he had fallen asleep in his clothes again.  Fuck, he hated when he did that, even though it’s been something he’s been doing for the past two years now.  No Dom to remind him to undress.  No Dom to undress him in the throes of passion….just no Dom really…

He moaned at the pain in his heart over that thought.  Dom no longer existed, his soul mate had vanished, leaving only bittersweet memories.  It was unfair.  He laid there in the oppressive silence of the house, his eyes closed as he imagined that Dom was there, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, when the shrill ring of the phone blasted through the still air, making the vision dissipate. 

Fuck.  It was too early for this.  Pressing the pillow over his head, Elijah waited for the machine to pick up, hoping that it was another bill collector that he was able to ignore or that the caller would assume that he wasn’t at home, probably out for a run or something.

“Elijah!” Hannah’s cheery voice spoke through the answer machine.  “Doodle!  Wake up, birthday boooy!”

“Fuck,” Elijah cursed, now scooting even more beneath the blanket, as if Hannah was in the house looking for him.  He had hoped that his birthday would pass without anyone noticing.  He was in no mood to celebrate another year of life.  Especially life without Dom to share it with.  Dom had always made his birthdays special…even when Dom, himself, had been in a very shitty mood.

“Come on Elijah!  I know  that you’re up!  Pick up the phone!”

“Sod off!” Elijah threw his pillow at the machine, unaware that he had just used Dom’s phrase when he was normally upset and had wanted to be alone.

“I’m coming over unless you pick up the phone.  Humph, you’re probably up in that attic, drowning yourself in misery again,” She sighed, her voice sad.  “Do you really think Dom would have wanted you to do this to yourself?  Sitting alone in that house, day in and day out?  Trying your damnest to stay in the past?  You know he wouldn’t…”

Ok.  That was enough.  Now she was invoking Dom’s name and that wasn’t fair.  Forcing himself out of bed, cursing the whole way, he grabbed the phone and ripped it off the holder.  “Fuck you Hannah!  You don’t know what Dom would have wanted!”

“There he is!” No indignation laced her voice.  In fact, she sounded rather satisfied with herself, feeding Elijah’s anger even more. 

“What do you think you’re doing,  calling this early?!  Using Dom’s name against me…?!”

“Oh stop sounding so pathetic, Elijah.  This is your birthday and I mean to celebrate it with you.  Even if I have to use his name to do so.  Besides, you know I’m right or else you wouldn’t be so pissed.”

Elijah groaned, burying his now aching heard in his hand.  He was in no mood for this at all.  He just wanted to be left alone, especially today of all days.  “Hannah, please…not today.  I…I just can’t…”

“You will.  I’ll leave you to mope the rest of the morning away, but this afternoon and evening, you’re mine.  Fair warning.”

“Like hell I am!  Hannah…!”

Elijah’s protests were answered by the drone of the dial tone.  Hannah had hung up, unwilling to hear anymore of Elijah’s attempts to get out of celebrating his birthday.

“Fuck.  This is all I need,” he grumbled as he hung up the phone, his mood even worse than it was before the call.  “Why can’t everyone just leave me the fuck alone?”

“Because they love you, baby.  They’re your friends.  They just want to take care of you.”  
Dom’s voice.  It had shown up in his head every now and then.  Especially when things got so bad, Elijah couldn’t see straight.

“I don’t need them to take care of me.  I just need them to leave me alone,” Elijah spoke aloud to the empty room, half-way expecting Dom to answer, but of he course he didn’t.  He never did.

Cursing again, he turned on his side and looked at the empty space that Dom had once occupied, another memory making it’s way to the forefront of his mind.  His birthday…his very first birthday with Dom…

~*~  
 _ **January 28, 1999**_

_“Ow…” Sean winced as Dom collided into him once again and knocked him down the hill they had tumbled down thousands of times before.  “Dom what did I do?  I thought we were friends…”_

_Dom got to his feet, brushing the loose grass and dirt from his costume.  He really didn’t know why, but he had woken up in a bad mood that day and it was growing worse by the hour.  Sadly, Sean was receiving the affects.  
“Sorry mate.  I don’t know what’s gotten into me.  I’ve just been in a bad mood all day.”_

_“Hey!” Billy joined them at the bottom of the hill, followed by a yawning Elijah.  “What was that all about Dom?”_

_Dom shrugged, looking very apologetic.  He really hadn’t meant to be so hard on Sean.  Maybe someone should suggest to Pete that they take the rest of the day off.   Give Sean a rest and himself time to get back to the cheery Dom he usually is.  “Sorry mate…”_

_“Don’t worry about it,” Sean chuckled, now brushing off his own clothes.  “But I think we had broken Elijah’s contacts.”_

_Dom glanced at Elijah, who stood a little bit off to himself, looking rather bored.  He frowned.  There was something about today, other than his obvious bad mood.  Something having to do  with Elijah…_

_“Hey Elwood!” Billy sauntered up to the younger actor.  “What’s going on? You should go kiss Dommie.  I do believe it may just be the thing to put him back in a jolly temperament again.”_

_Elijah just glanced over at Dom, thoughtfully, thinking that a perfect birthday gift would be spending the day with just his boyfriend.  Not here filming this scene over and over again.  But no one ever knew it was his birthday, since he hadn’t said anything and they had no choice but to film this scene until they had gotten it right.  “I think it’ll take a lot more than a kiss to cheer Dom up…”_

_“You seem a bit down yourself, Lij.  What’s going on? You two didn’t have a fight did you?”_

_“No, no.  No fight.  I had just pictured spending the day doing something different is all,” Elijah shrugged.  “Not spending it tumbling down the hill numerous times…”_

_Billy frowned, even more confused.  Why was today so different from any other?_

_“Ok!  Back to work guys!” Pete ordered, trudging onto the set, a bit irritated.  “Let’s get it right this time!  I doubt that Elijah wants to spend his birthday tumbling down a hill over and over again!”_

_Everyone’s eyes widened with shock at the realization.  Elijah looked over at Dom and giggled.  His boyfriend looked as if he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him._

_Walking over, he gave Dom a reassuring kiss.  “You didn’t forget.  I just didn’t tell anyone…”_

_“Why?  I would have gotten you something…”_

_“You already have,” Elijah smiled, holding up his ring finger that bore the ring Dom had given him a month ago.  “Nothing can ever top this.”_

_Dom blushed, holding Elijah’s hand in a soft grip.  “Still…you should have told me…”_

_“It’s not like we could have done much today, anyway…”_

_“But we can still do something tonight,” Dom kissed him again, before releasing his hand.  “Let’s get this scene over with…I have some planning to do…”  
_  
~*~  
 _ **Present day**_

Elijah smiled at the memory of that day.  He had never found out what had caused Dom’s bad mood that morning and he had been sure that their friends insistence on taking him out for a boisterous celebration would have worsened his lover’s mood, but it hadn’t.

He smiled, thinking of that first birthday with Dom.  It had been one of the best nights of his life.  It was the night where everything had changed…

~*~  
 _ **  
January 28, 1999**_

_Elijah followed a silent Dom into his trailer.  Dom hadn’t said one word at the bar the guys had dragged them to after they had finally finished filming for the day.  No one except Elijah and maybe Billy noticed that the usually talkative Dom was silent.  They probably connected it with the sullen mood he had been in all that day._

_Finally, after two hours of loud music and cigarette smoke, Elijah had had enough.  He wanted to go home and spend some quiet time with Dom.  Orlando had given them a hard time of course, but Elijah had been insistent._

_“I thought we’d never get out of there,” he sighed, collapsing onto the couch.  “I didn’t even want to go out, which was why I hadn’t said anything in the first place…”_

_“Poor thing,” Dom smiled, at last feeling more relaxed than he had all that day.  Elijah wasn’t the only one glad to finally be free of all the noise of the party that  their mates had insisted on throwing in Elijah’s honor.  “We’re alone at last though.  No Orli, no Billy…just you and me.”_

_Elijah smiled at that.  Just the two of them.  That been all he had wanted since he had woken up that morning.  “At fucking last, huh?”_

_“Yeah…So Doodle.  How old are you today?” Dom teasingly asked, tossing Elijah a beer.  “Sixty-four?”_

_No, you doofuss,” Elijah giggled._

_“Sixty?”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Twelve?!”_

_“Dom!” Elijah howled with laughter, throwing a cushion at his giggling boyfriend.  Fuck, no one makes him laugh like Dom does.  “Nineteen asshole.”_

_“Nineteen,” Dom looked thoughtful, his eyes unreadable._

_“I’m legal,” Elijah frowned, feeling a bit defensive._

_“Never said that you weren’t,” Dom took a seat.  “But Pete wasn’t kidding when he said you were young…”_

_“Well you’re not an old man yourself, Dom.  You’re barely as old as I am…”_

_Dom laughed.  “Jesus, aren’t we defensive.”_

_“You would be too if everyone kept bringing up your age.”_

_“Well I happen to like nineteen.  It’s a good age to be.”_

_“Really?” Elijah looked up, meeting Dom’s eyes, again pondering exactly color they could be .  One minute he swears that they’re a light blue and the next they   seem gray._

_“Yeah…very mature and…”_

_All words were lost as their lips met after a full minute of  their faces moving closer and closer.  Elijah sighed as he leaned into Dom’s embrace, feeling strong, secure arms wrap around his body that for some unfathomable reason wouldn’t stop trembling.._

_A sense of anticipation filled both boys as Dom’s tongue slid into Elijah’s mouth, rubbing against the soft flesh of the younger man’s tongue.  Moaning, Elijah fell onto his back, pulling Dom along with him.  He was lost in Dom and at that point the didn’t want to be found._

_Being as gentle and non-demanding as possible, Dom’s hand slid up under Elijah’s shirt, marveling at how soft the porcelain-complexioned  skin was…how warm.  Elijah’s own hands pushed Dom’s shirt up over pink skin, a rush of excitement shot through him.  He had never gone this far with Dom before.  They had always kept their passion at simple kisses and hugs.  There had never been a thought of taking it any further than that…_

_But that had changed…at least for Dom it had.  He wanted to do so much more than kiss and hug.  He wanted to touch Elijah.  Do things with him that he had only heard about, but was Elijah ready?  Dom didn’t think so…at least not until that very moment, with Elijah’s hand stroking his bare skin and his tongue wrapped around his, causing his pants to become even tighter._

_Everything was going at an even pace.  Their kisses were long and luxurious, their moans soft and sweet as hands moved along bare skin.  But all that changed when Dom’s hand found it’s way to Elijah’s clad groin._

_Elijah tensed and withdrew from the kiss, looking at Dom with big, confused eyes.  “Dom?”_

_“Elijah,” Dom panted, his desire almost overwhelming, his hand remaining on Elijah’s body._

_Elijah swallowed, not knowing how far he should let this go.  He wanted Dom.  Fuck, he wanted him bad…but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to take such a big step.  This wasn’t like sex with a girl…this was quite different._

_“I…I don’t know Dom…”_

_“It’s alright,” Dom reassured his antsy boyfriend, keeping his own desire at bay.  “I’ll take care of you.”_

_Those five words made Elijah melt and willing to give Dom almost anything, but something he couldn’t quite say was holding him back.  “I know you will.  You always do…but I’m…I’m just not ready…”_

_Dom looked at Elijah, his expression grim as his hand remained where it was.  After a few more seconds, Dom finally removed his hand with a resigned sigh.  “Ok…I understand.”_

_“Do you?” Elijah grabbed his arm, his eyes pleading for understanding.  “It’s not that I don’t want to…I do.  I just…I just can’t.  Not all the way anyway…”_

_Dom frowned, confused with what Elijah was telling him.  Despite wanting to make love, he couldn’t at least, not all the way.  What did that mean? “Baby, I’m confused.  What are you saying here?”_

_“I can do hard jobs…if you want,” Elijah blushed, lowering his intense stare, not knowing how Dom would react.  “I can touch you…or you can touch me…”_

_Dom smiled and kissed him long and deep, his tongue flicking against Elijah’s lips, asking for admittance.  He pulled away, his gaze meeting Elijah’s.  I’ll touch you.  Would that be ok?”_

_Elijah nodded, his eyes wide, his kiss-swollen lips parted.  “I love you, Dom.”_

_“I love you too.  Now relax…”_

_Elijah leaned back even more and tried his best to relax and not think about what was about to happen.  This was his first sexual experience as a gay man.  It may not be all the way gay sex…but it was still something and he wanted it to be good for Dom as well as himself.   He laid back, his legs parted, panting heavily as Dom’s slender fingers unzipped his jeans, releasing the aching erection.  Looking up at his boyfriend with nervous eyes, Elijah swallowed, wondering what was to come next._

_Dom’s fingers gently wrapped around the swollen shaft, sliding gently against it, eliciting a moan from Elijah, whose own fingers tightened on the cushion of the couch.  He swallowed and let his hips thrust a little into Dom’s grip, seeking friction.  “Fuck, that feels good…don’t…stop…”_

_Electric shocks of pleasure shot through his groin as Dom’s fingers tightened around his now pounding cock and he continued to stroke him.   His hips moved continuously, thrusting his cock against Dom’s palm, adding more friction, causing his cock to harden even more…_

_“Mmmm, Dom…ahhh…” his back arched as slender fingers  pushed his jeans further down and began to gently play with his balls.  Soon enough, he felt the pressure begin to build.  “I’m gonna…”_

_“Shhh, it’s ok.  Let it happen, love,” Dom smiled, his voice soft, reassuring, accepting.  How he loved seeing Elijah like this, so full of  ecstasy.  No worries.  Just the two of them._

_“Mmm…” Elijah moaned as his cock gave a jerk and spelt seed into Dom’s hand.  Panting, he opened his eyes and looked into Dom’s.  “Sorry…”_

_“Don’t be sorry,” Dom giggled, finding a towel to wipe his hand, winking at his young lover.  “That’s what this act is all about.  Just letting go…and release…”_

_“Do you want me to touch you?” Elijah asked, his eyes round and bright, his hand reaching for Dom._

_Dom smiled gently, a thumb caressing Elijah’s lips.  “Only if you want to…”_

_“I want to…” Elijah panted, unzipping Dom’s jeans, his eyes widening at the view of Dom’s cock.  He swallowed and looked up into Dom’s eyes.  “Wow…”_

_Dominic just giggled and kissed his lover deeply, moaning as he felt Elijah’s hand wrap around his throbbing cock.  He closed his eyes and got lost in the sensations that Elijah’s hands sent through him.  The warm sweet mouth  moving against his along with the slender hand that was pumping his aching cock.  After a few minutes he came, moaning silently into Elijah’s mouth.  Pulling away, he smiled, his love for his boyfriend burning in his eyes.  
“I love you…”_

~*~

Present day…

  


I love you.  He’d never forget those words, coming from Dom after the first hand job Elijah had ever received and given.  I love you.  Three words he’ll never hear again.  He could still remember the feelings of that moment.  Anxiety, pleasure, love, desire…he had craved Dom more than he had ever craved anything.  He craved him now.  

Closing his eyes, he reached out a hand, and moved it as if he was touching Dom’s shoulder.  Soft, gentle, lovingly…he closed his eyes and could almost feel the heat of Dom’s skin beneath his fingers.  The tawny muscles and how they moved…the smooth skin…the brush of silken hair. And the kiss of swollen lips…

“Dom…” Elijah sighed, lost in the memory.  “Don’t leave…stay with me…”

The feeling of Dom’s presence was so strong…Elijah could have sworn that he was there, that when he opened his eyes, he’d see Dom in bed, a gentle smile on his lips, telling him that it had all been a bad dream.  But when Elijah opened his eyes, Dom wasn’t there.  The bed was empty and the space that would have contained Dom was empty and cold. 

“I can’t do this…I can’t…” Elijah sobbed, covering his face with his hands, not knowing how anyone could expect him to make it.   Dom had been his oxygen and now that he was dead, it was like Elijah was living without air…


	9. 9

Elijah sank down on the couch and picked up the for sale flyer on the cocktail table that he had left earlier…when the memory the flyer had brought became too overbearing. He had been up in the attic again and found the flyer. He didn’t exactly know why, but he brought it downstairs and just stared at it, wrestling with the memory that threatened to come.  
  
The thing was that he didn’t want to remember anymore. Each time he remembered something about the past…and then returning to the present…well it was like losing Dominic all over again and it was fucking killing him. Even a usually relaxing cup of tea wouldn’t help this time. Usually, his muscles would unclench and he’d be able to breathe, but this time he just remembered how Dominic had liked tea to relax and that had brought an even sharper stab of pain.   
  
He had tossed the faded flyer onto the table and got up to do some housecleaning. That was what he needed to do to get his mind away from his loss and away from painful memories that made him wish for a time that would never come again. He needed to clean. Scrub, press, and wash. Keep his mind on a task so he couldn’t think about Dominic and that had been exactly what he had done. But unfortunately, he had run out of things to clean and scrub and the advertisement still lay on the table, waiting for Elijah to come and retrieve it. Picking up the advertisement, Elijah closed his eyes and took a trembling breath as he remembered moving into that very house. It had been such a beautiful day…and Dominic…he had been so…so fucking wonderful…and that night…  
  
No. No, he would not think of that night. Not now…not ever. Tossing the crinkled paper back onto the table, Elijah went outside and dug the cigarettes out of his pocket, needing a smoke like never before. He had to admit that the number of cigarettes have increased since Dom’s death and he knew that Dom would fucking hate it. He could hear Dom now. “What are you trying to do? Kill yourself with those cancer sticks? Come on baby. Quit. For me…” But Dom wasn’t here and Elijah couldn’t see what the point of quitting for a dead man was. In fact, the cloves were the only things seeing him through the memories that just kept coming, no matter how hard he worked to keep them at bay.  
  
“I thought you had quit,” Sean stepped upon to the porch, frowning to see his fellow hobbit puffing on the cigarette.   
  
“What’s the point?” Elijah shrugged, wondering why Sean was there. He hadn’t spoken to his former co-star in weeks. Especially since the row he had with Viggo about the future reunion. The one no one could find time to have when Dom was alive and well to join in. He had thought Sean had stayed away because of guilt, and he had been glad for it.   
  
“Dom wouldn’t have wanted you…”  
  
“Don’t fucking tell me what Dom would have wanted Sean,” Elijah glared, exhaling smoke as he glared. “Don’t you dare fucking talk about what he would want. None of you gave a shit about what he wanted when he was alive…”  
  
Sean winced, Elijah’s accusation cutting him deep. He knew that Elijah was furious over the coming fellowship reunion. He had hoped that the anger had faded, or he could at least have a chance to make Elijah see that the reunion was in Dom’s honor. So they could all sit and remember their departed friend. But he was beginning to doubt that Elijah would ever understand. “How can you say such a thing Elijah? I know that you must still be angry about the reunion, but Dom understood why we couldn’t have it when he had brought it up…it’s not like we hadn’t seen him before…”  
  
“He wanted to be surrounded by the people who loved him while he was still healthy enough to do so, Sean! He wanted to laugh and be part of the group, just like he always was before he got sick! He wanted to have one last reunion where we were all together and things were still normal so he could have that memory to take to his grave! He wanted to have a memory where we were all together and he still looked like Dom! That he still acted like our Dom! Lovable, silly Dommie! But no. No, you all waited until he was sick! Thin, pale and…barely looking like the Dom we knew…he never got the reunion he wanted…that he had needed! And now you all want to have a reunion in his honor! One he can’t take a part in! Well fuck you Sean! Fuck all of you!”  
  
“Well I’m sorry you feel this way Lij. It wasn’t that we didn’t want a reunion when he was healthy. We all had obligations we couldn’t get out of. Dom knew that and he understood. He never held it against any of us. He knew that we loved him. I wish you’d remember that as well and let go of all this anger. It’s not good for you Lij…”  
  
“Just like Dom wasn’t good for me?” Elijah crossed his arms, another memory digging it’s way out of the back of his mind. A memory that was sure to hurt Sean as it had hurt both Dom and himself at the time.   
  
“What?”  
  
“You never wanted me with Dom. In fact, you were trying to talk us into not being together. Remember? The day I moved into my new house and you found out that the suits were going to visit…how fucking concerned you were…”  
  
Tear sprang into Sean’s eyes as the memory came to him. It had been one of the times he had been so sure that he was doing the right thing…that his friends would understand and do what was best for everyone. It was a memory that Sean wish never existed….  
 _ **  
**_ _ _ **February 2000**_  
  
Sean stood outside of the house that Elijah had just moved into. Inside, everyone was gathered around, watching DVD’s and eating pizza, enjoying the small housewarming party. He’d be in there as well, but at the moment, he was struggling with an issue that had been niggling at him for some time now. Dominic and Elijah. He’s been struggling to keep his opinion to himself, telling himself that Elijah was happy. That Dominic was responsible. They both were and would never do anything to hurt the movies, but it’s been getting harder and harder as he watched the couple grow closer. Now, Elijah getting his own house, and Dominic constantly in that house…the two of them doing only god knew what…well Sean didn’t think he’d be able to keep his silence anymore. Especially since he had been paid a visit by a Newline PR representative just that morning, asking about the relationships between the hobbits. Especially between Dom and Lij. Something had to be said by someone close to them, and that someone was going to have to be him. No one else was going to say a god damn thing to the two lovebirds….he just hated to spoil Elijah’s night…but the sooner this was dealt with…the better it was for all of them…  
  
Taking a deep breath, Sean rang the bell, still wondering how he was going to approach Elijah with his concerns. Would he pull the young man into a room alone? Would he talk to him with Dom in the room? Or would it be some weird confrontation in front of everyone? Most importantly, would he have any friends after it was all said and done? The thought of Elijah hating him made his stomach drop. He did not like the thought of that at all. Fuck! Why couldn’t the Newline people talk to them themselves? Why couldn’t Pete say something? After all, these were his movies…why did it all land on Sean’s shoulders? It wasn’t fair! Maybe he should have talked to Christine about this. She always knew what advice to give and he had always listened. Right now, he had never felt more alone in his life.   
  
It was Elijah who answered the door, a bright happy smile on his face. A smile that Sean was going to wipe out of existence tonight. Hopefully this won’t spell the end to their friendship. He admired Elijah. He had a professionalism that Sean himself had lacked at that age. To see him going down this path that could run him into trouble with the big wigs…to see him do something to threaten the success of these movies….it was something Sean found surprising. Maybe Elijah will listen to him. Maybe all the boy needed was someone to tell him what was what. Just because Elijah usually behaved like a professional and seemed so mature did not make him experienced when it came to relationships and how they could affect ones career….  
  
“Sean!” Elijah hugged his friend, pulling him into the house, unaware of the turmoil his friend felt at the moment. “At fucking last, man! Where’s Christine? Did she come? Or did she finally let you out by yourself?”  
  
“Ali wasn’t feeling well, so she’s staying home. I would have stayed too, but she insisted. Said I haven’t been out with the guys since she and Ali arrived and that it’d do me some good to get out..”  
  
“Well we’re glad to have you here. Come in! Everyone’s here now! Beer is in the cooler over there,” Elijah pointed towards a table laden down with food and a cooler beneath it. “And so is the food. Help yourself. Hope you don’t mind Smashing Pumpkins! We should have the Beatles up eventually! Dom has a fucking awesome collection…”  
  
“That’s nice,” Sean forced a smile, especially at the mention of Dom. His heart sank, as Elijah gave his shoulder a friendly pat before heading over to Dom, who wrapped an affectionate arm around his shoulder and Elijah leaned against the Brit in return. Fuck guys, you’re at a party where people can see. Bit more discretion please. This was exactly what Newline was concerned about. Elijah and Dom’s inappropriate public displays of affection. That was what he was going to have to put a stop to and Elijah wasn’t the only offender. He was going to have to pull Dominic into this as well. The sooner, the better…  
  
  
For the next two hours, Sean walked around and mingled, ate pizza and kept an eye on Elijah and Dominic. He couldn’t help feeling wretched for what he had to say to the couple. Any other time…any other place…he’d cheer them on. If only the Newline PR people hadn’t contacted him with those questions…if only they weren’t on the set of the biggest trilogy since Star Wars. Unfortunately, the situation couldn’t be helped and he had to talk to them…now. He had to make them aware of the risks and that Newline was now paying attention.   
  
“Hey mate, want more pizza?” Billy asked, holding a plate out to him, a happy grin on his face. He had stood and watched Sean watch Elijah and knew that something was up. Maybe if he could get Sean to talk to him, he could help.  
  
“No thank you…I’m full,” Sean shook his head, never taking his eyes off of the smiling couple, contemplating how he was going to approach.   
  
“They make a nice couple don’t they? Fun to watch, yeah?” Billy stood next to Sean, his voice a mixture of melancholy and fondness. “Dommie worships Lij and Lij adores Dommie. If nothing else, that’s one good thing these movies have done. Brought them together, yeah?”  
  
“I don’t know if I’d say that…I’m sure some people would feel differently…” Sean sighed, staring down into his drink, remembering the troubling conversation he had with the New Line exec…how it came down to him to convince his friends that they shouldn’t be together…that they’d destroy the movies….at least that’s what the exec had convinced him. Pictures…rumors…scandal…everything that could destroy a project like this, that could spell disaster…that was the only thing that could come out of this dailliance…  
  
“Who? Who would not feel happy at seeing how happy Dom and Lij are together?” Billy frowned. “Far as I’ve seen, they have everyone’s support. Even Pete’s…”  
  
Sean didn’t answer. Instead, he winced as he heard Elijah’s laughter as Dominic tickled his sides, playfully. Jesus! Couldn’t they be more discreet?! They weren’t alone here! Anyone can see, anyone will know! The exec from Newline was right. This had to be stopped. For the good of the movies and for their own good as well!   
“Excuse me, Billy,” Sean stepped away from his friend’s side and nervously approached Dom and Elijah, knowing that neither of them were going to appreciate what he had to say. They were going to hate it. But he couldn’t help that. The movies were important to him, as well as to everyone else. He couldn’t let this ill advised fling ruin it for everyone. He just couldn’t. Reaching his giggling costars, Sean cleared his throat and stood ramrod straight. His expression void of all amusement. Only grim determination.  
  
Still giggling, Elijah looked up at his friend and grinned. “Hey, it’s Sean! Hey Sean! Be careful, Dom’s the tickle master!”  
  
“Only for you Lijah, love,” Dom chuckled, his voice husky and full of what Sean guessed was lust.   
  
“Um…I need to talk to you Elijah…to both of you,” Sean stammered, his confidence wavering a little. What if he was wrong? What if Dominic really was the only one that could make Elijah happy? Well he can do that after the movies are long over with…but for right now…especially with Newline just finding out…this relationship was highly inappropriate.  
  
”Sure,” Elijah grinned, unaware of what his friend had to say, or else the smile wouldn’t have been so welcoming.  
  
Not saying a word, Sean led Dom and Elijah into the only deserted part of the house. The kitchen. He turned around and sighed to find Elijah in Dom’s arms, once again. Smiling, giggling…in love. Oh Geez….  
“Look, can you stop that? It’s not helping with what I have to say…”  
  
Elijah and Dom frowned as they pulled away from each other, getting the gist of what was going on.  
  
“What’s up, mate?” Dom asked, not liking the vibe coming off Astin at all. He seemed more uptight than usual. He had thought by now the man would have taken that stick out of his arse, not jam it up there even deeper.   
  
Sean took a deep breath, preparing himself. He hated being the one to do this. He really wished that Newline had chosen someone else…  
“Look, you guys…you have to stop this. This thing that you two are doing…”  
  
“Huh?” Elijah frowned, placing indignant hands on his hips. “What the fuck are you talking about?”  
  
“I’m talking about Newline, Lij. They called me. Somehow they found out about your little romance here and they had risen some pretty good concerns. They asked me to talk to you. Make you see that it’s a bad idea…and they were right. It is…”  
  
“Like hell…” Dom began, just to be cut off.  
  
“It is! You guys, haven’t you two ever thought what would happen to the movies if the news about you two ever came out?! It’d ruin the trilogy once and for all. All of our hard work for nothing! Now I know that you don’t want that. That you care about this movie too, just as much as you care about one another!”  
  
“This is bullshit, Sean!” Elijah hissed, struggling to keep his voice low, so no one else could hear. “My relationship with Dom is no one’s business but our own! Not yours and not Newline’s!”  
  
“For fucks sake Lij! Stop and think! You grew up in Hollywood! You know how it is! You’ve seen scandals rock and destroy movies! How about thinking about the rest of us! We’re working just as hard as well! We don’t deserve this!”  
  
“You are a piece of work, Astin, really,” Dom growled, obviously restraining himself from choking the other man. “One fucking piece of work. Walking around here, pretending to be our friend, when really, you’re just a tool for the suits! Well it’s not gonna work! I love Lijah and he loves me! We’re not breaking up! Fuck your suits!”  
  
“Yeah,” Elijah nodded, his eyes wide, angry, and maybe scared. Sean couldn’t help but hope that maybe he was getting through to his fellow American somehow.  
  
“I am your friend. Which is why I’m here talking to you myself. Look, I know that you care deeply for him, Dom. I do. But you don’t know Hollywood. Plus, think about it. Elijah is the star of this movie. He’s headlining this thing. The reputation of this film lies on his shoulders! Besides, don’t you think he deserves better than this?”  
  
“What?” Elijah glared, feeling himself growing even angrier by what Sean was implying. How dare he! How dare he even assume to know what he does and doesn’t deserve! Sean didn’t even know him! Not really! Not the way Dom did! How dare he even imply that he deserved better. There was no better. He had the best there is!  
  
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dom glared at the man he had once thought was his friend, not believing the words that had come out of his mouth. “Are you saying that I’m not good enough for Lijah? Is that why you’re here, faking your concern? Because you think he can do better than me?”  
  
“What? No, I…” Sean stammered, realizing that this whole thing was careening out of control. Oh fuck…he wished that he had told New Line to stuff it…now he was on the verge of losing two good friends…  
  
“Fuck you, Sean! I love Dom! He’s the best thing that’s happened to me! I’m not giving him up! You can go back and tell New Line to stick it up their asses and you can get the fuck out of my house!” Elijah yelled, not caring if the other guests, heard. He just wanted Sean to leave…to get away from him before he did something he regretted.   
  
“Elijah, come on…you know….”  
  
“GET OUT!” Elijah yelled, his blue eyes flashing with rage. “Get out before I remove you myself!”  
  
Bowing his head, Sean sighed. Yes, he should have left it alone. Now, by the looks of it, he had lost Elijah and Dom, who were both looking at him with betrayal in their eyes, instead of trust and friendship. “I didn’t mean to hurt you…I just…I was just trying to do the right thing…”  
  
Both Dom and Elijah said nothing else. They just glared at him, a united front, making it clear that Sean Astin was no longer welcomed. Looking at both of them, Sean just sighed and shook his head and walked away, hoping that things would work out for the best…_

_**Present Day** _

And they had. No scandal ever broke out… despite the rumors. But Dom, Elijah, and Sean had made up and reached an understanding and the movies had been a great success. Sean was once again a part of the inner circle and had put that painful episode behind him…at least he had thought it was behind him. Obviously Elijah hadn’t forgotten and Sean was beginning to wonder if he had even forgiven…  
  
“I thought we were over that, Elijah…”  
  
“How can I be? What you said that day had hurt me, and especially Dom! He thought you were his friend and you go and…”  
  
“Dom forgave me!”  
  
“But your words did damage Sean! You have no idea! I had to beg Dom not to leave me after that! He had honestly thought he wasn’t good enough for me! He had already had those thoughts before, but what you had said…”  
  
“I don’t know what more I can do here, Lij. What you’re doing now is not healthy. Dom wouldn’t want this for you…and you’re obviously pushing me away….but I tell you what. I’ll leave today, but don’t expect me to give in anymore after today. This is the only time, because you obviously want to be alone and you’re filled with anger…so I’ll let you have this today…but when I come back, I won’t leave. No matter how much of a bitch you’re being.”  
  
Elijah just shrugged and looked anywhere but at Sean. “Just go. And tell the others to stop calling. Not in the mood to talk to any of them.”  
  
Sean sighed. He hated this. Elijah was pissed with them all and pushing them away. Usually Dom would mediate the situation…but Dom was gone now and there was no one to be go between. To be honest, he had no idea how this was going to be fixed.   
“Take care Lij. I’ll drop by again. “  
  
Elijah didn’t say anything. Just kept his back to his friend, wanting to punish him somehow…wanting to punish them all.   
  
“Just so you know…he wouldn’t have wanted this. You know that too…”  
  
“Bye Sean,” Elijah stood his ground, not letting Sean’s words reach him.  
  
Feeling sad that Elijah was pushing them all away, Sean turned to leave, hoping that somehow they could reach their friend. He hated thinking of the coming reunion without Elijah…it was bad enough that Dom wouldn’t be there….at least not physically…


	10. 10

  
Elijah sighed as he sat at his desk, staring at the blank sheet of paper. He didn’t know what he was doing. Or why for that matter. Then again, he did know. They say that the best way to deal with grief is to write the person you’re grieving for a letter. It doesn’t matter that they’ll never read it. They can never answer. What the letters were supposed to do was give you a release. A place to go to let out all the grief and all the hurt. His mother had suggested it just that morning….  
  
“ _Have you ever written Dominic a letter, baby?” Debbie Wood had asked, her eyes warm and concerned, her heart obviously aching for her son.  
  
“Write Dom a letter? Why would I do that? He’ll never read it. He’ll never reply. He’s dead.”  
  
“To give your grief a release. Writing a letter…it’s as good as talking to Dominic. It’ll help you cope.”  
  
Elijah frowned. He had once thought he was dealing with Dom’s damp just fine. But that had been before he went looking for that Parisian picture for Matthew. That was before he had surrounded himself with bittersweet memories and had cut himself off from the rest of the gang. “I don’t know…”  
  
“It can only help, sweetie.”  
  
Or it could send him spiraling even deeper into the depression that was threatening to overtake him. “I’ll think about it…”_  
  
And thought about it he had and now, after last night’s confrontation with Sean, here he was, preparing to do what he had had no intention of doing ever. Write a letter to Dominic. It can either free him of the grief…or make it worse. He really didn’t have that much to lose….  
  
Picking up the pen, he shut his mind off from all distractions and began to write, drawing from the well of grief and regret that wasn’t going away. At least not anytime soon…  
  
 _Dear Dommie…_  
  
He looked at the name and squeezed his eyes shut at the ache in his heart. Even looking at that name…it killed him thinking that he’ll never use it again…at least not to the person it truly belonged to. Fuck…he couldn’t do this. The emotions…they were too strong…too rough…too suffocating. It was all too fucking much…and that was the problem. It was all too much so that he wanted to stop...and no one dared made him continue…no one but himself. He’ll never get better until he got some balls and did what needed to be done, and right now…he needed to write this letter…  
  
 _Dear Dommie,  
  
It’s been a good year since you went away. No, not went away. That makes it sound like you were my father and left of your own free will, which I know wasn’t the case. You didn’t want to leave me. You wanted to stay here, right here by my side. Husband and husband. You wanted to stay and grow old with me. You didn’t ask to get sick…so saying went away is the wrong phrasing. The right phrasing would be it’s been a good year since you were taken away from me. Taken against your will. Taken too young…too soon…when you had so much to live for. It’s not fair.   
  
What am I doing? Writing you this letter, knowing that you’ll never read it? That it’ll never get to you and if it ever did…you’d never reply. What is the use of writing this fucking letter?! Well, according to my mom, this is supposed to help me deal with my grief. Is it? Fuck, no. But then again, this is my first letter, so maybe it’ll get better as I go along.   
  
So what have I been doing since your death? Besides missing you so much it fucking hurts and I wonder how much longer I can go on? Well…Matthew wants that picture of you and him in Paris, so I’ve been searching through all our memorabilia, trying to find it…drowning in memories of New Zealand…of when everything was new and wonderful and the world was just ours and we were going to live forever and ever…fuck, we were so naïve. We weren’t going to live forever. In fact, one of us was going to be gone far too soon…  
  
Our friends….or “friends” as I now refer to them, have been somewhat supportive. That is until they all decided how fun it’d be to have a reunion. Yeah. You heard right. A fellowship reunion. The one that you had wanted so badly, yet they were all too busy to attend. I have never been more furious with them in my life! They claim that it’s to honor you, but why couldn’t they honor you when you were here to appreciate it? All you wanted was one more memory. A memory to take with you. Of all of us together, before you got too sick. Before you had gotten so thin and pale and before your hair fell out. Before you looked like the shadow of your former self? Now you’re gone and they all want to gather together. Well you know what I say to that? Fuck them! They can do it without me.  
  
I can hear you now, Dom. Telling me that I’m being too hard. That some things can’t be controlled, but I’m sorry. I can’t help it. They could have made the time. You would have if it had been them, dying…dying…oh my god, I can’t believe you’re gone! Why, Dommie? Why? We were so happy…so in love…it’s not fucking fair…._  
  
A knock at the door interrupted Elijah’s frantic writing. Frowning, he let his pen fall against the paper as he got up and opened the door to find Orlando Bloom standing there, looking the picture of perfect health with his tanned skin, shiny hair, and wide smile. Elijah wanted nothing more than to punch him. How dare Orlando look so healthy and alive when his beautiful Dom was cold and dead! But instead he stood in the doorway and just angrily glared at the former elf.  
  
“What do you want?”  
  
Orlando blinked, taken aback by the angry greeting. Viggo had warned him that Elijah was angry with them all. Angry and grieving…but somehow he hadn’t expected…this reaction. He had expected to find a brooding Elijah, wasting away in his bedroom, refusing to come out. Not this glaring young man, who looked as if he‘d rather kill him than let him in the house.  
  
“Hi Lij. Just thought I’d drop in and say hello…”  
  
Elijah pursed his lips, holding back a biting remark. Dom wouldn’t like these aggressive feelings Elijah was feeling towards their friends. He had wanted everyone to get along. Even when everyone fell out with Astin because of his book, it was Dom that got them all to give Sean a chance to tell his side…not that it helped any, especially with Ian…but still…Dom wouldn’t like this coldness Elijah felt towards the fellowship right now. “Orlando. What do you want? To convince me to come to your fucking reunion? I’ll tell you now, the answer is no.”  
  
“Actually…I came to show you something that I found when I was going through some pictures,” Orlando grinned, pushing back the hurt that Elijah’s words caused. He was angry and hurt and grieving right now. Allowances had to be made. At least that’s what Viggo would say if he was here.   
  
“Pictures?” Elijah frowned, still angry, but curiosity beginning to push it to the side.  
  
“Yeah. I found one that I thought you might like. Invite me in and let me fix us a cuppa and I’ll show it to you,” the grin remained on Orlando’s face, knowing that Elijah’s curiosity will get the better of him.  
  
Elijah was in good mind to turn Orlando away. After all, he was one of the first ones that had turned Dom down on his desire for a reunion and was probably the first one to have the idea for the upcoming event, but he also knew that unlike Sean, Orlando wasn’t so easily gotten rid of. It was best to just humor him. At least for ten minutes, before kicking him out. Sighing, he stood aside. “Fine. Come in. You have ten minutes.”  
  
Orlando’s grin just widened, if that was even possible, as he came inside, a photo album in his hand. “I was looking through some photos, for the reunion, by the way, you really should come. Being here by yourself, is not what…”  
  
“Get to the point. Why are you here?”  
  
The smile faded a bit, as hurt began to take over. Elijah had never snapped at him like that before. “I was looking over some photos. Found one I thought you might like to see.”  
  
Elijah just frowned. If it wasn’t the Parisian pic he had been looking for for weeks, he wasn’t interested.   
  
“We should sit, and I’ll show you,” Orlando took a seat on the couch and began flipping through the pages of the album. “It’s right in here….”  
  
Still frowning, Elijah sat next to him, resisting the urge to tell Orlando to leave now and never come back. He wasn’t in the mood for company or for a walk down memory lane. He had a letter to finish.   
  
Ignoring Elijah’s impatience, Orlando kept turning the pages until he reached near the middle of the album. With a small smile, he pointed to a picture and sat back as Elijah gasped and took the album from him. It was a lone picture of Dominic. Dripping wet and grinning at the camera. It had been the day of the bathtub race and they had all been so excited, with the mix of competition and fanfare. It had been Dom’s first real experience with fans and cameras and getting a taste of what fame would mean and he had soaked it up. It was years later when he would become wary of fame. When all he wanted to do was be with Elijah and not worry about cameras and PR and the rest of the shit.   
  
Elijah remembered afterwards, how excited and hopeful Dominic had been. So full of love for Elijah. Plans for their future and careers. A Dom who had been unjaded by Hollywood’s sick games….  
  
 _ _ **February 27, 2000**_  
  
“Did you see those girls, Lij? Did you? I thought they were going to faint when you smiled at them…and that one girl who asked me if I was Billy. She seemed to be excited just because I was talking to her,” Dom chuckled, as he came in from their busy, yet fun day at the Dragon Boat Festival. He ran a hand through his now barely damp hair as they entered Elijah’s house, his eyes wide and excited.   
  
“Well, we’re famous now, Dom. They know we’re working on a movie and it’s going to be big,” Elijah giggled, enjoying the sight of his boyfriend, so excited over not only the attention they got, but finally grasping just how big the trilogy was going to be. He didn’t think it had hit any of them until that morning, when they arrived to the festival to screaming fans.   
  
“It’s going to be the biggest,” Dominic laughed, scooping Elijah up in his arms and lifting him off the ground as he spun him around. “The biggest trilogy ever!”  
  
“Dom! Stop!” Elijah laughed happily. “Put me down!”  
  
Dominic laughed, his lips meeting Elijah’s as he lowered him back to the ground. With a giggle, he pulled away to stare into his lover’s eyes. “This is just the beginning for us, Lijah. The adoration, the fans, the interviews…”  
  
Elijah couldn’t help loving the sight of Dominic being so happy like this. Ever since the argument with Sean, Dominic had been a little down. He hadn’t smiled or joked as much. He was always a little too quiet…until today. The exhilaration of the day had brought him right out of the funk he was in and returned him to the playful, cheeky Brit that Elijah adored. Elijah couldn’t bring himself to tell Dominic the bad side of all this attention…not yet. He’ll find out on is own soon enough. For now, he’ll just let Dominic enjoy it while he could.   
“Is that all you care about, now? The fans and interviews?” Elijah giggled teasingly, knowing very well that it wasn’t.  
  
“Of course not,” Dominic grinned. “I care about you most of all. About us. You’re the best thing about all of this.”  
  
“I hope I remain that way for you…” Elijah leaned his head against Dom’s shoulder, Sean Astin’s words again popping into his head. As much as he tried to forget that horrible day and that horrible speech, deep down, he had to admit that Sean had a point. But he wouldn’t think about that too much. He wasn’t going to leave Dominic. Not right now, and not in the future. He was determined.  
  
“Of course you will. Why wouldn’t you?” Dominic held his lover close, not even giving the fight with Astin a thought. At the time, he thought the man to be an interfering git that probably wanted Elijah all to himself and was best to be ignored. Now, he didn’t think of him at all.   
  
“Maybe you’ll find someone new. Some starlet with dark hair and fair skin.”  
  
“Are you serious? Never! They can throw all the starlets at me they want. I have all I want and need right here,” Dominic chuckled, kissing the top of Elijah’s head.   
  
“Don’t you ever miss women?”  
  
“Lij, just because I’m bi doesn’t mean that I want to shag every woman out there. Same way with men. I can appreciate a beautiful woman. Be attracted to her for a minute, but I’m also loyal and monogamous. I’ m with you. I love you and you’re the only person I’d ever want to be intimate with. You’re my lover and that’s that. No amount of attraction to the opposite, or the same sex for that matter, is going to change that. So no. I don’t miss being with women. I don’t miss being with men. I love being with you.”  
  
Elijah blinked back tears, feeling a bit overwhelmed. If he ever had doubts about Dominic’s intentions towards him…well they were gone now. Maybe even for good.   
  
“We’re gonna be together forever, Lijah. The fanfare, the interviews, the premieres…and beyond. I’m not going to let you go. Never ever…”  
  
“Oh Dom,” Elijah sighed, letting his lover once again claim his lips, feeling hopeful and secure, and looking forward to the future with Dominic by his side, just knowing that they’ll last. How can the future be any different when all they could think of was each other? How could anyone come between two people so in love…_

 _ **Present Day**_  
  
But people had come between them. Movie Studios, PR people, beards, distance, and finally disease. Disease had been the one thing they couldn’t overcome. They parted and came back from everything else…but Dominic’s sickness was the one thing they couldn’t come back from. No matter how hard they had fought to stay together…  
  
Elijah wiped away a tear and stared at Orlando, hating him for stopping by and bringing yet another memory. A memory of a promise unkept. “That night…after we returned…he was so excited…he told me he’d never let me go…”  
  
“And he never did,” Orlando sadly smiled, missing his friend so much that it hurt. He felt Dominic here, stronger than ever. His lost friend’s presence was still there. In the walls, in the furniture, in the young man sitting by his side. Elijah may be grieving…he may seem to be alone, but he really wasn’t. Dominic was still here. His memory…his very presence will never leave Elijah. If only the young man next to him would believe that too. Maybe it’d help him to heal.  
  
“Yes he did. He didn’t want to. But he did. He’s dead now…and he’s never coming back.”  
  
“Elijah, listen…”  
  
“Please go, Orli. I can’t deal with this right now. I have things I have to do…chores I have to finish…” Elijah got to his feet, ready to be alone once more.   
  
“Will you just listen to me,” Orlando turned to his friend, getting to his feet as well. Elijah needed to realize that he wasn’t going through this alone. There were people that loved him, that wanted to help him, and he hadn’t lost Dominic after all…not in all the ways that mattered.   
  
“No! No, I’m through listening to you! Thanks for showing me that picture, but it won’t change my mind about that awful reunion! So just go! Please…” Elijah turned his back to his friend, pinching the bridge of his nose, hoping that’d help him hold back the rising tears that one memory had brought on. He couldn’t cry in front of Orlando. If he did…there’d be no getting rid of him. “Just go…”  
  
Sighing in defeat, Orlando just nodded and headed for the door after removing the picture from the album and putting it on the table. He stopped when he gripped the doorknob and turned his head to look at Elijah, who still had his back to him.   
“He’s still with you, mate. You may not feel it now…but Dommie hasn’t left you at all. All you have to do is open up and realize it. You just have to let me in, love.”  
  
Elijah’s head jolted up and he turned a burning gaze on Orlando, his heart pounding. What was that he said? For a moment…”What did you just say?” He stared at Orlando suspiciously. The brunette just blinked and blushed. “Just that you‘re not alone...”  
  
“I thought you said…fuck…” For a second, he thought Orlando’s voice was Dom’s. He had thought that voice had called him, love. Something only Dom had ended his sentences with sometimes…but that was impossible. Orlando wasn’t Dom. He didn’t have Dom’s voice and he didn’t use Dom’s words. It was just his mind playing tricks. “Nothing…just…just go.”  
  
Orlando just sighed, sad that he couldn’t reach Elijah. Who knows, maybe it wasn’t his place. “Take care, Lij. I’ll call later.”  
  
Elijah didn’t turn around as Orlando left. He just went back to the kitchen, to the letter, and took a seat as he picked up the pen again.  
  
 _Orli was just here. He brought up another memory. That afternoon, after the Dragon Boat Festival. You remember that, don’t you? When you promised never to let me go. Well…it wasn’t an exact promise, but that was the intent…I know you didn’t want to, but you broke that promise, my Dommie. You did leave me. Numerous times…but this final time…it had hurt the most…because I know that there will be no getting you back. You’re gone for good and I don’t know how I’ll ever survive it. When will the pain end? Is there even such a thing as happiness after knowing the complete happiness that being with you had brought me?  
  
Fuck, I’m gonna cry, so I’m stopping now…but one more thing…before Orli left…he had said something…and just for a second…I thought…fuck, this is fucking insane and I don’t know why my mind had played such a cruel joke…but I thought his voice was yours….like you had come back to me for just that one second and were gone just as quickly…but that was impossible. Right? There was no way you could have spoken to me through Orlando…Right?   
  
You’re gone, my Dommie. Gone away from me, and I know I will never be able to get you back. Not in this world…  
  
XxxLijah_


	11. 11

_Dear Dommie,  
  
I wish I could say that writing these letters was lessening the pain of losing you…but I’m afraid that I’d be lying if I did. The pain I feel is constant and steady. Your absence is an open wound that refuses to heal. Fuck, Dom. I was so fucking angry with you when you died. Angry that you had broken your promise and had left me. I know. You didn’t want to. It wasn’t your choice…but still…you did leave me. You left me here to deal with the pain of your loss and our so called friends. Why Dommie? What had I done that was so wrong? What can I do to fix it? To bring you back?   
  
……   
  
Yes, I know that there’s no way to bring you back. That you’d come back to me on your own if you could, but fuck, Dom. It hurts. I don’t know if I can go on like this. I really don’t. You were such a big part of my life…I had forgotten that there was once a time when I did get along without you…before we had even met. You seemed to have always been here with me. Now you’re not here and I just can’t cope without you. Tell me, why am I even trying to go it alone? What is stopping me from joining your right now…?_   
  
With a tired sight, Elijah dropped the pen and rubbed his eyes. Whoever had said that writing letters to Dom would make the pain lessen was lying. They should have their fucking heads examined. All that the letters seemed to do was remind him that Dom would never read them. It didn’t matter that while writing them, he felt closer to Dom than ever before…that on some level, it felt that his dead husband was standing over his shoulder…if he just turned around…which mad the pain even worse.   
  
Having enough of his own personal pity party, he pushed himself away from the table and got up from the chair. He had a plan today: Not to think about his loss for once, all that day. Today was a memory free day. He was just going to lose himself in some movies, one he had already put in the DVD player, enjoy some snacks, turn off the phone and just exist for the next twenty-four hours. It wasn’t too much. It was very doable. No going through memorabilia. No writing anymore letters, no talking to anyone on the phone, and no visitors. Just himself, his snacks, and his movies.   
  
Gathering a six pack of beer, some potato chips, popcorn, and candy and dip, Elijah went into the living room and settled down onto the couch, spilling his goodies onto the table. He leaned back and switched on the TV and then turned on the DVD player. He didn’t pay attention to the movie he had put in the night before. He had been so sleepy…which is why his heart sank when the familiar words scrolled up the screen and the familiar music of the second Star Wars prequel began. Strange, but even this movie held memories that he rather avoid. Dom had been an avid Star Wars fan boy. Han Solo had been his hero. The day they had been invited to the Star Wars set and hanged out with the cast…it had been a dream come true for Dom. He’ll never forget how excited his lover had been that day…and afterwards…   
  
__**March 2000**_   
  
Sydney Australia   
  
“But you’re not a hobbit. You’re Elijah Wood. Just like I’m Natalie Portman, not the princess of whatever world I’m supposed to be princess of…”   
  
Elijah resisted the urge to roll his eyes. For an actress Ms. Portman was clueless about method acting and getting connected to your character. And shouldn’t she know more about her character than he did? Even he knew that she was Queen Amidala and she was more than just a princess of some far away planet. She was the true love of Anakin Skywalker. Mother of Luke and Laura Skywalker. She was a catalyst for the original three Star Wars movies, which, in his humble opinion, were far better creations than these prequels with more talented actors…but it’d be rude to say such a thing and it was nice of Mr. Lucus to invite them out here and experience the set. Hopefully Ms. Portman will grow as an actress.   
  
“Hey Lijah! Look at this! A bloody light saber mate! Can you believe it?” Dom called over, his face lit up with pure glee as he held up the prop as he stood between George Lucas and Ewan Mcgregor.   
  
Elijah couldn’t help but giggle. Seeing Dominic this excited and in fan boy mode was a pure treat. Ever since the invitation had arrived, Dom had been on cloud nine. His only disappointment was that Harrison Ford wasn’t going to be there.   
  
“Fucking awesome, man!” Elijah waved, before turning back to the young lady. “I know I’m Elijah Wood. But I’m also a hobbit…well at least as long as we’re filming. We just like to open ourselves up to the characters. It helps us connect with them more. Enable us to bring them to life. The more you understand the character, walk in their shoes, the more easier you can slip them on when you have too.”   
  
“Feel the force Lijah,” A raspy voice spoke up behind him as an object poked against his back. He couldn’t help to notice the blush on Natalie Portman’s face and sighed. He turned around to find his boyfriend wearing a Jedi cloak, pointing a fake light saber at his back. Not only that, but winking at the pretty actress Elijah was talking to.   
  
Elijah pushed aside the stab of jealousy. He knew that Dominic was a natural flirt. He just couldn’t help himself. But couldn’t he at least try?   
  
“Isn’t this great Elijah? It’s all part of the Universe and I get to see it,” Dominic grinned some more.   
  
“You should be more careful with that Dominic. I’m sure that prop cost thousands of dollars,” Sean Astin came up to them, along with Billy and Orlando, both rolling their eyes. Sean Astin. Mr. Safety. No one was surprised.   
  
“I’m careful with it,” Dom frowned.   
  
“It’s ok. He’s being more careful than Hayden and Ewan are. Plus those things are pretty durable,” Natalie smiled, her eyes still on Dom, much to Elijah’s chagrin. “So you all are hobbits too? I thought there were only four of you.”   
  
“Ah, I see you’ve read the books. Even our Frodo here has yet to finish them,” Billy laughed, ruffling Elijah’s hair, who grimaced in annoyance, his mood dropping even more.   
  
“There are only four hobbits. I’m an Elf. I just like gracing these buffoons with my elegant presence,” Orlando laughed, receiving a playful punch from Billy.   
  
“Your annoying presence is only being tolerated, Bloom,” Sean snorted, watching Billy and Orlando trade playful blows.   
  
“It must be exciting, playing the mum of two cultural icons,” Dom had sit down the prop and took off the cloak to sit next to the actress, not sparing a glance at Elijah once, who bristled with silent anger.   
  
“It’s fun, I suppose. It’s kind of strange acting opposite thin air or pretending that something scary is happening, but it’s coming together. Don’t you guys work with a lot of blue screen?”   
  
“Here and there,” Elijah shrugged. “Pete likes to be as organic as possible. Most of the things you’ll see on screen, are really happening. It’s like a mixture. Our set is nowhere as clean as this one.”   
  
“Actually, it’s a lot more beautiful. You should come see it sometime. New Zealand is gorgeous. I can show you around,” Dominic again grinned, his voice having a purr to it that it never contained when he talked to Elijah.   
  
“I wish I could. No time,” Natalie gave a tense smile, thankfully not interested.   
  
“Hey, Natalie. Break’s over!” Hayden Christensen came running up, giving the LOTR group a weary glance.   
  
“It was…interesting talking to you,” Natalie gave another tense smile before getting up to follow her costar. “They’re so weird…they think they’re really hobbits.” She was heard telling Hayden as they headed back to the set.   
  
“Lijah, what in the hell did you tell her?” Dominic turned to his boyfriend, looking rather amused, much to Elijah’s irritation. It was like he was unaware that he had done something wrong.   
  
“I told her that we were really hobbits and really lived in the shire and had these big ass hairy feet!”   
  
Ignoring Dom’s shocked look and the giggling from the other three, Elijah got up and stocked off, seeing nothing but red.   
  
~*~   
  
Elijah stood on the balcony outside of his hotel room, glaring out over the horizon. He sighed as he lit up another clove. He hated this. Being so angry that it’d last for the rest of the day. He couldn’t even say what he was mad about. Wait…yes he could. Dominic and his annoying flirting with that fucking Natalie “I’m too good to be a method actor” Portman! Ugh!   
  
He just couldn’t believe him! They were together! They’ve been together for over six months now and Dom goes and flirts with some strange girl, right there in front of him. Like their relationship meant nothing! Fuck, maybe it did mean nothing. He honestly didn’t know anymore….all he knew was that Dom never purred for him the way he did for Natalie Portman….   
  
The knock at his door brought Elijah out of his thoughts. Fuck. He really wasn’t in the mood for company. He had to think about what he was going to do about Dominic. He couldn’t do that with Billy or Orlando or Sean even, begging for a night out in Sydney. The last thing he wanted to do was sit at some bar and watch Dominic flirt with even more people.   
  
Sighing, he put out his cigarette and left the balcony to open the door to Dominic, who stood there looking as great as he did just that morning.   
  
“Hey,” Dominic smiled. “We were wondering if you would join us down in the bar. The hotel has a real nice posh…”   
  
“No thank you,” Elijah shook his head, turning away, not wanting Dom to see how angry he was. He knew that most likely, Dom would be able to talk his way out of hot water and Elijah just wasn’t ready to let it go just yet. “I’ll stay up here tonight.”   
  
“Oh, ok,” Dominic blinked, taken aback. Normally Elijah was all for hanging out in a pub. The only time he had held back was when he had a special shoot to do the next day. But there was no special shoot. Elijah had the next day free. He knew that much at least. Maybe something was wrong…maybe he was sick? “Alright. Just let me go down and tell the guys and I’ll be right back up here with you…”   
  
“No. I mean, you don’t have to come back. I’m fine by myself,” Elijah kept his back turned, his jealousy still churning in the pit of his stomach, making him feel a little nauseous. Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why was Dom’s flirting affecting him like this? “You should go. Have a good time. Flirt with more girls. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky this time.”   
  
“What the fuck? “ Dominic stared, feeling clueless. What was going on? Why was Elijah acting like this? Like he had betrayed him somehow? “Lijah…what is it? Are you pissed with me?”   
  
“If you have to ask me that, Dom…fuck…do you even think at all?!”   
  
“What? Look, I’m going to tell the guys to go ahead and then I’m coming back up here so we can talk.”   
  
“You don’t have to. Go. Have fun. Flirt with all the boys and girls that you want,” Elijah crossed his arms, refusing to look at Dom, still so full of anger. This feeling…it was so new to him. He had never felt so strongly as he felt about Dom before and to think that Dom may not feel the same…that he may be looking for the next best thing…that Elijah wasn’t enough….just the thought was tearing him up inside.   
  
“What the…” Realization dawned on Dom as he remembered earlier and his playful flirting with Natalie Portman who wasn’t really his type anyway. He was just having fun. Nothing serious, but obviously Elijah thought it was….fuck. “I’m a bloody idiot.”   
  
“What?”   
  
Dom didn’t answer. He dialed Billy’s number, wanting to get this settled with Elijah as soon as possible. He couldn’t stand having Lijah unhappy with him. The past six months…they have been unfuckingbelievable and he wasn’t about to mess it up by letting this simmer.   
  
“Boyd here,” Billy answered, sounding rather impatient.   
  
“Bills, it’s Dom. Look, Lij and I are going to skip the pub. You guys go ahead.”   
  
“Is everything all right with you two? Lij didn’t look too happy when we left the Star Wars set today.”   
  
“Well, gee, thanks for letting me know, mate.”   
  
“Thought you knew! Really Dommeh, I love ya, but you’re an idiot sometimes.”   
  
“Look, just you guys go and have fun and I’ll fix this. Night Bills,” Dom hung up and put the cell away. Indeed, he was an bloody idiot sometimes. Why didn’t he think before he acted? Why didn’t Lijah’s mood register to his thick skull? Well, that didn’t matter now. What did matter was gaining Lijah’s forgiveness. “So, are you ready to talk about this? Or are you going to stand there and ignore me all night?”   
  
Elijah turned around and angrily stared at Dom. “I told you to go.”   
  
“Not until we’ve talked this out, Lijah. Not with you angry with me. We need to talk. You are more important to me than some night in a pub with the guys. You should know that…”   
  
“Should I? Should I, really Dom? I stood by and watched you flirt your ass off with that airhead Portman. So how am I supposed to know how important I am to you?” Elijah glared, bristling at the memory of how Dom purred at the girl.   
  
“It was just flirting, love. Nothing serious.”   
  
“Nothing serious?” Elijah glared, offended. How could Dom not think that his flirting wasn’t serious? What if Natalie Portman really was interested? What if she used her feminine wiles, something Elijah had none of, to tempt Dom away? Besides, Dom purred. He fucking purred, something he had never done with him! “You purred Dom! You fucking purred! You never purr with me!”   
  
At first Dom looked at him blankly, processing Elijah’s words. He purred? Really? And he never did that with Elijah? What that was….it was…pretty fucking hilarious! All of this because he fucking purred?! He didn’t even bother to help the laughter that burst from his lips. “Is that it?”   
  
“Is that it? Fuck you!” Elijah snarled, turning his back once more to his soon to be ex-boyfriend. “Fuck you Dom! Go! Go to your fucking Natalie Portman! I’m sure that she’ll enjoy more of your purrs!”   
  
“So…not only are you jealous…you’re jealous because I purred to her and not you? I…I didn’t think you’d like me to, to be honest…but if you want me to purr to you, I will.”   
  
“It’s not just that…”   
  
“Well what is this about Lijah? Talk to me. I can’t fix this…I can’t give you what you need If I don’t know. And I can’t know if you don’t talk to me. Come on over here. We’ll sit and talk,” Dom took Elijah’s hand and led him to the waiting loveseat, facing him. “Talk to me.”   
  
Elijah sighed. Sitting there…looking at Dom…he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to explain himself and not seem like a fucking baby in Dom’s eyes. He hated being so young at that moment. So inexperienced. Ian would know what to say in this situation. Ian would be calm, cool, rational, and collected. Not tense and overly emotional and hyper like he was at that moment.   
“I just don’t get it, ok? I understand that you’re bisexual and still like girls…but…fuck. What are you doing with me Dom?”   
  
“I’m dating you. I love you.”   
  
“Do you really? I mean…you were flirting like crazy with her and I know that there are certain things she can give you that I can’t…what I’m asking is…am I enough? Am I giving you what you need or is there something missing? Something that you can only get from a girl…like her…?”   
  
Realization hit Dom like a bolt of lightening. Fuck, he really was an idiot…and not only that. A pile of shit. He didn’t even deserve this beautiful boy before him. Not after how careless he had been. Why would Elijah know that his flirting was not serious. That he gave Dom all he could ever want or need? That he didn’t need a girl with breasts and long hair when he had this man with soft skin, soft lips, and the most beautiful eyes that he could get lost in. Elijah couldn’t know any of that…not when he was flirting with a lass that he really had no interest in.   
“Oh baby…” Dom pulled Elijah into his arms, holding him as tight as he could. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry that I made you feel like that, that you weren’t enough. You are. You are more than enough. You’re all I can ever want or need. I wasn’t serious when I flirted with that lass. Even if I was only into girls, she’s definitely not my type. I could care less about her.”   
  
“Well then why…”   
  
“It was only flirting Lijah. That’s all. Innocent flirting. I have no interest in pursuing anything with that girl…with any girl really. Not when I’m crazy about you. Now, if you want me to purr to you, I will. I’ll give you anything you want. Just know that you’re it for me, alright? I’m with you and no one else. I’m in love with you. A line of playboy bunnies can be in this room right now and I wouldn’t give any of them a look.”   
  
Elijah chuckled, his apprehension falling away at Dom’s words. Looking into Dom’s eyes, he knew what Dom said was the truth. Dom was his and no female would come between them. Especially not Natalie Portman. Sorry Queen Amadela. You’re out of luck. But he certainly didn’t believe what Dom said about the playboy bunnies. “Liar. You’d give them a look. You’re not that strong.”   
  
Dom laughed. “Alright. You’re right. I’d look…but I wouldn’t think of dating one. Not when I have this sexy little man in my arms here.” Dominic smiled, gently touching Elijah’s face, wanting the younger man to see that he was for real. That they were forever…   
“I love you Elijah. I’m going to be with you until the day I die. I promise…_   
  
And so Dom had been. Despite their fights and make ups and near break ups, Dom was with Elijah until he took his last, painful breath on that warm November’s day, cradled in Elijah’s arms and surrounded by the people they loved. It was a day that Elijah would never forget…the day he’ll never get over. The day he had truly lost Dom forever.


	12. 12

  
_Dear Dom,  
  
It’s been a while since I wrote you last. Two whole weeks to be exact. Why did it take me so long? Well, I wish that I had a proper excuse, but I don’t. It had just gotten to be too much. Your absence…despite the fact that I still feel you here. Sometimes it’s like you’re still here with me, standing right by my side, then I look up and you’re not. Are you here, Dom? Somewhere that my eyes can’t see but my heart can? Fuck, I sound crazy, I know. You can’t be here, can you? You’re in heaven…or hell if you listen to the churches. You’re not in hell, are you Dom? Not for loving me, right? I can’t bear to think of that…of you in an awful place just for loving me…_  
  
Elijah sighed as he angrily wiped a tear from his eyes. He wasn’t going to write this letter, but something had compelled him to and now his thoughts were all centered on the concepts of heaven and hell, something that he really didn’t want to think about. He didn’t want to think of Dom at all, but he just couldn’t help himself. Dom filled his mind constantly. A life cut short. Gone too fucking soon.  
  
He jumped at the sound of the ringing phone and groaned, knowing that it was one of the fellowship calling once again. He was so not in the mood for a chat. He was still pissed about the reunion and they knew that…but that wasn’t the only reason. He didn’t want to hear the worry in their voices…the pity. It drove him mad to know that they felt sorry for him. That they pitied him. Especially Sean, Viggo, and Orlando. They still had their lovers while Elijah’s had been taken from him when he was far from ready.   
  
Normally, he’d ignore the telephone. Let it ring, but he knew that it wouldn’t work. Whoever was on the other end would just show up on his doorstep with their concern and their pity and it’d be even worse. So it was best to just open pick up the phone and get it over with. “Hello?”  
  
“Mate, hey,” Billy’s cheerful voice greeted him.  
  
“Billy. What’s up? I hope that this isn’t about that fucking reunion…”  
  
“It’s not. I was just wondering if you may have any idea what I did with that kilt I wore to that one event in New Zealand. You know the one. Where the three of us wore kilts and stopped at that playground to slide down slides. I ended up with a burnt bum…”  
  
Elijah couldn’t help the giggle that escaped his lips. How could he forget that evening? That had been one of the few times that he had really gotten to take the piss, along with Dom practically cheering him on. “Yeah, I remember. Fucking hilarious, man. But I have no idea what you could have done with it.”  
  
“Damn it…I was just telling Ali about it and I was going to show it to her, but now I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Not even amongst my older kilts. “  
  
Elijah frowned. To be honest, he wouldn’t be surprised if Billy had thrown it away. That night he had seemed to want to forget about the incident all together. He was surprised that Billy wanted to find it now. “That’s too bad. I hope that you do find it…”  
  
“Too bad Dommie’s not here. He’d definitely know what had become of it. That was some crazy night,” Billy’s voice became more somber, the way it always did at the mention of Dom.  
  
“Yeah. He had a great memory,” Elijah sighed, also feeling somber. Even more than before. The ache he now felt in his chest was so familiar, it was like an old friend. “Yeah. Fucking crazy. I think we were all drunk off our asses.”  
  
“Well, I guess I’ll be off to find the bloody kilt. Take care mate. And drop by Scotland sometime, yeah? We’re wanting to have you over for dinner.”  
  
Elijah smiled, touched by the offer, yet knowing that he won’t. He hardly left the house these days. Dom’s presence was here and he just couldn’t let that go…for a second. But why tell Billy all of that? He’d just worry even more and think that Elijah was going out of his mind with grief.  
“I’ll try. No promises though….”  
  
“You do that. Dommie wouldn’t want you alone like this…,” the worry in Billy’s voice was unmistakable. The entire fellowship were all worried, really. Elijah would only talk to Billy and on a good day, Sean. He had shut everyone else out after learning of the coming reunion.  
  
“Good-bye, Billy,” Elijah sighed, quickly hanging up. He just couldn’t handle everyone’s concern at the moment. He was still beyond pissed about the coming reunion. How can he not be? After they had all refused Dom’s simple request.  
  
 _Everyone is worried about me. Well, fuck them. They didn’t want to get together when you were here. Why should I agree to one now that you’re not? They can stick it up their asses. I’m not having anything to do with their reunion. I don’t care how worried they all are. I’m only sorry, because I know that you’d want me to go. But I simply can’t. Not even for you, my poor beloved Dommie…  
  
XXXElijah_  
  
Elijah got up from the table, leaving the letter there, open for anyone to read. Right now, he needed a clove like never before. He had once tried to quit smoking, but after Dom’s death, he had lost all desire to do so. Of course, everyone gave him hell, but he couldn’t care less. It relaxed him when he was tense like this, and he really had no one to quit for. Not anymore…  
  
He can still remember the first conversation that he had with Dom about h is smoking habit. Ironically, it had been the night of the kilts, at least that’s what he mentally called it. The very event that he and Billy had just got through talking about on the phone…  
  
 _ _ **March 11, 2000**_  
  
Wellington, New Zealand  
  
Elijah leaned against Dom as the car pulled out of the driveway of the castle where they had just spent the majority of the evening mingling and mixing with Paparazzi and other official suits that were important to the making of the films. To say that he was slightly tipsy was an understatement since he had a lot more than three glasses of champagne. There was only three of them in the car, even though Viggo had attended the function as well, but the ranger had decided to leave earlier, so it was only himself, Dom, and Billy. Right now Dom was saying something to Billy, not paying attention to Elijah at all. Well, that was just not going to do…  
  
“Fucking party was awesome!” Elijah exclaimed, grinning as wide as he could manage, hoping to capture Dom’s attention. He reached up and pulled on the red wig that Dom had rented along with the kilt. “Tell me again why you’re wearing this fucking wig?”  
  
Dom only smirked at his lover, knowing that his drunken boyfriend was just wanting his attention. He also knew that not knowing the reason for the wig was driving the blue eyed yank crazy. “Just because.”  
  
“That is not an answer,” Elijah glared. He really was curious about the wig. Throughout the entire event, Dom had worn the ugly hairpiece with a big grin on his face. As if wearing the wig was something completely normal. He even wore it when they had gotten their picture taken, much to Elijah’s horror.  
  
“I don’t think you’re going to get one, mate,” Billy winked. “But I can give you an explanation about the kilts…”  
  
“We all know that one, Bills. It’s all having to do with Scotland and Edinburgh Castle and how wearing kilts makes us authentic,” Dom examined his nails on his right hand and twisted a red curl from the wig around the pointing finger on the other.  
Billy snorted. “No mate. You and Lij aren’t authentic. Not at all.”  
  
“Huh? What do you mean? We’re wearing kilts,” Elijah frowned, confused. He had asked the clerk at the rental shop if the kilts were authentic and she had assured them both that they were.  
  
“But you’re wearing bloomers underneath yours. The both of you. Real Scots go all natural under their kilts,” Billy grinned.  
  
“You mean you’re not wearing…” Elijah’s eyes widened in surprise, causing Billy to laugh.  
  
“Exactly…”  
  
“Grooosss,” Elijah made a face, turning his head to take a look out the window. His eyes widened when he saw what was coming up. “Look guys! Fucking awesome!” He pointed out the window at a playground fully equipped with swings, a jungle gym, and a slide.  
  
“Um…yeah,” Dom followed where Elijah was pointing, not really getting why his boyfriend was so excited. “It’s a playground…”  
  
“Let’s go check it out, guys!” Elijah happily grinned. “It’ll be fucking awesome!”  
  
Billy laughed. “What’s so special about a playground, mate?”  
  
“Slides,” Elijah gave Billy a ‘you should know this’ look. “Slides are fun and I want to slide with you and Dom!”  
  
“What do you say to this, Dom? Shall we let Frodo slide?”  
  
“Why not?” Dom grinned, sitting forward to talk to their driver. “Hey mate, mind making a stop at that playground?”  
  
The driver just shrugged in reply and pulled up in front of the playground, not even wanting to think of why three grown men would want to go there. It was none of his business.   
  
Elijah was the first out of the car and heading for the slide set. Dom laughed as he watched his boyfriend climb the ladder and then slide down the wide chute.   
  
“Wheee!” Elijah giggled, holding his arms up in the air. “Come on Dom! You next!”  
  
“Bloody hell,” Dom grumbled, climbing the ladder. “What I do for love…”  
  
“You’re completely hopeless, mate,” Billy laughed, watching his friend slide down the chute.   
  
“I know it, but I can’t help it. I love the lad,” Dom grinned. “Your turn, Bills.”  
  
“What”? Oh no! Not me! I’m nowhere near prepared to do something like that..”  
  
“Come on Billy! It won’t be fun if you don’t do it,’ Elijah pouted, knowing that a pout and a wide eyed stare was usually enough to get both Dom and Billy to do what he wanted most of the time.   
  
Billy groaned, when he saw that look. At times, he was as bad as Dominic when it came to Elijah. They all were. He knew that he’d probably give in, but he was not going to do so easily. “How does my not joining in affect your fun?” Billy asked, skeptical.  
  
“It just does! Pleaaase! I’ll get Dom to stop taking the piss all the time! “  
  
“I’ll get you that ice cream you’ve been craving for the past week,” Dom grinned, knowing that they had won by Billy’s sigh of defeat.   
  
“Fine! Out of my way. I want to get this over with,” Without saying much else, Billy climbed the ladder and slid down the chute, more or less easily. . He brushed off his knees as he got to his feet. “Happy?”  
  
“Again!” Elijah giggled, climbing up the ladder to again slide down the chute.  
  
Billy could only groan as he followed after Dom up the ladder and slid down, each descent getting rougher and rougher. It was after the tenth time that it all went wrong. Elijah and Dom had slid down without incident, giggling and high fiving, Billy’s descent didn’t go as well. The minute he slid down, it was like a fire was suddenly lit under his arse. Grabbing his arse and screaming, he stood off the slide and stared in disbelief.  
  
“Bloody fucking hell!” The Scot yelled.  
  
“Billy?” Elijah frowned, confused. “What had just happened here? “   
  
“What just happened here?” Billy looked at his friend as if he should know what had just happened. “I just burned my bum on that bloody slide that you had us slide down! It’s not funny Dominic, you wanker!” Billy growled, glaring at his fellow Brit, who exploded in laughter.   
  
“I’m sorry, Bills,” Dom placed a hand over his mouth as he laughed even harder, despite his efforts to stop. “Of course not…”  
  
Billy again glared and stormed off to the car, not knowing how he was going to manage to sit. “Bloody bastards.”  
  
“Maybe we should take him to the hospital…” Elijah frowned, slowly following the grumbling Scot. He looked at Dominic, who was just getting his giggles under control.  
  
“Nah, he’ll be right by morning. This will at least teach him a lesson about underpants and kilts.”  
  
“I don’t know Dom,” Elijah frowned, searching for a clove. He looked after his friend, and frowned, rather worried. Billy seemed pretty pissed and that scream…well it couldn’t be good.   
  
“Trust me, baby. Billy Boyd will be back to his porridge eating, jolly self by morning. He just needs to sleep it off,” Dominic smiled, squeezing Elijah’s hand before heading back to the car, where Billy was waiting.   
  
Slipping out of Dom’s grasp, Elijah felt relief as his hands closed around his pack of cigarettes. Leaning against the car, he tapped out a cigarette and lit it, just to find a pair of curious grey eyes studying him. Elijah turned to Dom as he took his first puffs. “Yes?”  
  
“Why?”   
  
Elijah frowned. “Why what? Why I smoke? Keeps me relaxed in stressfull situations….not that this is stressful…just need a smoke…”  
  
“It’s unhealthy…”  
  
“But this brand isn’t as unhealthy. They’re made of spices. Not all that shit that’s in regular cigarettes…”  
  
Dominic frowned, still not happy. He’s seen what lung cancer can do and he didn’t want to see it happen to Elijah. His silly boyfriend with the silly giggle. “But still Lijah…they’ll kill you someday and I don’t want that…what would I do without my baby blue bonnet?”  
  
“Dom!” Elijah glared, looking around to make sure that Billy and their driver didn’t hear. “What did I tell you about calling me that out in public! That’s a private name…”  
  
Dominic smirked, his eyes shining mischievously. “Alright, as long as you promise to quit those things someday, before they kill you…”  
  
“You know I can’t…”  
  
“Well then baby blue bonnet will become a well known name…amongst all the others…like kitten, sweet booty, pookie…”  
  
“Alright alright, alright,” Elijah clamped a hand over Dom’s mouth, not able to help his giggles. “I promise. I’ll stop someday, as long as you keep those names to yourself! Jesus…”  
  
Dominic laughed and removed Elijah’s hand to replace it with his lips, pulling his boyfriend into an affectionate kiss. Elijah felt his cigarette slip from his fingers as his arms wrapped around his boyfriend, returning the kiss. Fuck cloves. Dom’s kisses were so much better than the cigarettes anyway…  
  
“Hey you two!” Billy stuck his head out of the window of the car. “Quit fucking around! I have a burnt bum to take care of !”  
  
Giggling, Dom and Elijah pulled away from each other and joined Billy in the car, their hands still linked. They instinctly knew that the park was not to be the end of their evening. That kiss was just a taste of things to come…._  
  
Elijah sighed at the memory. That night…it had been full of silliness…then turned into a night of passion. Dom had made him feel like the most valuable thing on earth that night. They had thought that they had their whole lives together. But cancer had visited them anyway, despite Elijah keeping his promise. It just wasn’t Elijah that it had claimed…  
  
Cursing himself, Elijah got up to do the dishes. He didn’t want to think about New Zealand anymore. It hurt…just like thinking about Dom period hurt…but memories were all he had left of the man he loved. Memories that he could never give up…


	13. 13

_Dear Dominic,  
  
Today I went to a psychic. I can hear you now. Scoffing and asking why would I waste my money on such rubbish. I guess you can call it desperation. You see…for a while now I’ve been feeling your presence and I wanted to contact you…hear you…feel you again…just one more time…but the bitch was a fucking con. She had no real powers. She just wanted my money. It was Hannah who discovered the plot. You should have seen it. There were all these lights and wind and candles flickering. Very Hollywood. I should have recognized it…but I was too desperate in my desire to speak to you again. So I have just spent three hours locked in my room crying my eyes out in my failed attempt and at my stupidity, still missing you more than ever before. God, I can’t go on like this. I know that! But I can’t help it! My life sucks without you, Dom! It does! Remember that one song that we danced to on one of our many romantic dates? The one by Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks? No air? At first I thought that song was so cheesy…but now…god, it’s the very description of my life now. Living without you is indeed trying to breathe with no air…  
  
And feeling you here still…it’s making it even worse, because I can’t touch you…or hear your voice or breathe in your scent…you’re gone. Gone but still here, but how can that be? It’s fucking ridiculous. I’m trying to grasp at straws here just to hold on to you…even though you keep slipping through my fingers…  
  
I’m tired now, Dom. Tired and exhausted. I’m off to sleep. I love you.   
  
Elijah_  
  
Elijah put down the pen and pad and sighed. Writing these letters was getting no easier. Every time he finished one, he remembered that they would never be read. Not once. At least not by the person that he was writing them to. The fiasco at the psychic’s, or the con artist if he was going to be technical, was the thing that had broken the dam this time. Usually it was just memories. Fuck, his grief was making him vulnerable and he hated that! Why were people like that? Taking advantage of people who had lost people that they had loved. Making a living off their grief?! Thank god for Hannah! She recognized Hollywood effects when she saw them and called the fucking bitch out on her scam. They had then called the police and watched the con artist be carted away to jail. But that had given Elijah little satisfaction. He still couldn’t talk to Dom. See him. Be with him. He could just feel this presence…both warm and cold…both there and empty. It filled him with a longing that ached continuously.  
  
He sighed and leaned back wanting to forget the nightmare that the day had been. Tomorrow was going to be another day of shifting through the memorabilia from New Zealand and he was going to need lots of rest and strength to get it done. He just wished that it wasn’t something that he had to do. He could ask the fellowship for help, but he was still too angry about that fucking reunion they were having. Then he thought of Peter Jackson who had called the day before and invited him to a party to celebrate the budget approval for a new film he was doing. He smiled, thinking of Peter’s parties. Dominic and him always had such a good time…getting drunk and being silly, then finding new places to shag…right under everyone’s noses. The danger of getting caught had been so exciting…  
  
But that was back when Dominic was alive to go to parties. Now parties were just boring affairs with people that still had a life to live. Not for people like Elijah, who had lost everything that had made his life worth living. He knew that Peter had meant well, wanting to get Elijah out of the house. Away from the memories that were haunting him daily…away from the presence that Elijah couldn’t make heads or tails of…but it was useless. Elijah just couldn’t do parties anymore. Not without his Dom by his side. So he had turned the invitation down and wished Peter well.   
  
Besides, it would just remind him of that one party…where they had officially come out to everyone they worked with. That were people who didn’t even know that they were together in the first place….which by that time there weren’t many….  
  
 ** _April 1, 2000  
_**  
 _Elijah stood against the wall, his glass of champagne in hand, eying the group of friends and coworkers. He was at Peter Jackson’s house, a party to celebrate the coming three week vacation. A vacation that he was planning to spend with Dominic. Looking at his friends, he had to wonder who all knew about him and Dom. They had kept it pretty quiet, not really telling anyone, even though some people had put two and two together…like Billy and Sean. Some nameless suit from New line that had felt it his duty to set Sean up in trying to break him and Dom up. He still rankled with anger when he thought of that. How dare they?! As if who he decided to date was any of their concern!  
  
Watching the rather large group of people, he had to wonder that maybe it’d be a good idea to officially make a statement. Let them know that the rumors were true. That he was with Dominic, and no, He would not be giving him up. They were in love and they were going to stay that way. He took another sip of Champagne and sighed, wondering what their reactions would be if they came out tonight. Would they be happy that he had found someone to love on this adventure that they were all on? Or would they be like Sean? Would they all worry about how his romance with Dominic would affect them and the movies?   
  
  
Elijah smiled when he spotted Dominic, over by the buffet table, chatting up Billy. His heart ached with pity for Billy as he saw how the Scotsman looked at Dominic, his best mate. No, Elijah wasn’t the only one that fell for the cheeky Englishman. Not by a long shot. He almost felt bad that it was he that had won Dominic’s heart and not Billy. Almost. He did not envy Billy’s position. How horrible it was, to be in love with your best friend and knowing that it would never be acted upon. He certainly wouldn’t be able to handle it.   
  
“Elijah, my boy!” Ian Mckellen approached him, a grandfatherly smile on his face, his blue eyes sparkling in a way that reminded him of the wizard he portrayed. “What are you doing over here by your lonesome? I see your fellow hobbits circling the buffet table, as hobbits are known to do. Probably in search of second breakfast, yes?”  
  
“Probably,” Elijah forced a smile, his thoughts still on what he was considering doing to do.   
  
Ian smiled as he watched Elijah watch Dominic. He had a suspicion about the boy…about both of them really. There was something there. Both boys had a hard time not gravitating towards the other. They shared secret touches and secret glances when they thought that no one was looking. And now, here Elijah was, looking as if the entire world lay on his shoulders, his eyes not for a moment leaving Dominic. Normally, he would mind his own business in these matters…but something wouldn’t allow him to this time. Maybe it was Elijah’s youth. Maybe it was the light in his eyes when he looked at the young Dominic. Whatever it was, it wouldn’t let him refrain from giving some grandfatherly advice to the young man. But first…he had to confirm that there was anything at all between the two hobbit actors…  
“So how long have you and Dominic been together?”  
  
“Oh since…” Elijah stopped quickly, realizing that he was about to give him and Dom away. He opened his mouth to begin backtracking and covering his steps, but looking at the amused, yet understanding gleam in the older actor’s eyes, he knew that there was no point. Ian had probably set this up to get Elijah to confess. Fuck! “How long have you known?” Elijah asked, defeated.  
  
Ian laughed. “My dear boy, relax! If there’s someone that you need not fear, it is I. I know very well what it’s like to fall in love with a co-star….even one of the same gender. It is no surprise to me that you should find love with Dominic. And I‘ve known for quite some time now…”  
  
The relief in Elijah’s eyes was clear. Finally. Someone besides Billy and Sean that he did not have to hide his affections for Dom from. “And I thought we were being so careful…”  
  
“Oh you were. I just have an eye for these things. I doubt that anyone else suspects. So, how long have the two of you been lovers?”  
  
Elijah blushed at the word lovers. That word meant so much and all the things it pertained to were true about him and Dominic. “For quite a while now. It was…well, you can say that it was love at first sight for me…I never knew anyone like Dom before. He’s so full of life…so…” Elijah blushed again, which caused Ian to chuckle.  
  
“The blush of young love. It is always a pleasure to see.”  
  
Elijah just nodded and went back to studying his drink. He had so many questions for Ian, but had been to afraid to ask in fear of discovery. But now he had been discovered and was free to ask, yet had no idea on where to start. Sighing, he decided to keep his questions to his problem at hand. “Do you think there’d be trouble on set if we came out to our friends?”  
  
  
“It’s hard to say. We have a very accepting team, but I am sure that there are some individuals that are not as accepting. But this is a decision that only you and Dominic can make. No one has ever given me any problems…yet I’m not in the midst of a love affair with a co-star. Do you and Dominic feel strong enough to face that kind of adversity?”  
  
“I…I don’t know. It’d be nice if we could be a couple at parties like this, where it’s just us and our friends…but someone from New Line already suspects and had set Sean Astin on us…what if the others react the same way Sean did?”  
  
“What if they don’t? What if they accept you and Dominic as easily as they’ve accepted me?”  
  
“That’d be fucking awesome…” To be able to behave like the couple they were around their friends…it was more than Elijah could even dream of. But if they all reacted the way Sean had…it could ruin what he did have. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to risk it….”I…I think should talk it over with Dom…”  
  
“That may be wise. This is a decision that has to be made together, not apart.”  
  
“Thank you, Ian. I have so many questions I want to ask you, but right now…”  
  
“Right now you have to concentrate on one thing at a time. Go. Talk to Dominic and come to a decision together. I will be free to answer any question you may have whenever you’re ready, my boy,” Ian smiled kindly, happy to play mentor to the young actor. It wasn’t going to be an easy path for him, that was for sure. Watching Elijah leave him to go to Dominic, he couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. No, it wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. Hopefully, their affection for one another was indeed strong enough to hold up against the obstacles and pitfalls that were in front of them.   
  
  
Elijah walked up behind Dominic, who was busy talking to Billy about soccer…errr football, and tapped his shoulder, resisting the urge to chew on his already gnawed on nails. Dominic turned around and his smile immediately brightened, causing some of Elijah’s worry to dissipate.   
“Hey Dom…um…may I steal you away for a minute? I need to run something past you…”  
  
Dominic smiled, his affection clear in his eyes, taking Elijah’s breath away. It was a good thing that Billy knew about them. If he didn’t, he would have instantly guessed by the look in Dominic’s eyes and the way that look nearly made Elijah melt. “Of course…”  
  
“I’ll leave you two to it, then,” Billy smiled, before heading towards the bar to get another stiff drink.   
  
“Thanks, Bills,” Elijah smiled, again feeling bad, but the bad feeling was gone again when he again met Dominic’s gaze. “Let’s go to Pete’s office. No one’s in there…”  
  
“So this is about us?” Dominic kept his voice low, knowing or rather assuming that Elijah still wanted the subject of their relationship kept between them.   
  
Elijah nodded, leading the way into Pete’s office and closing the door behind them. He turned around to begin, but all words were cut off by Dominic’s lips pressing against his own as arms pulled him close to a warm chest. Elijah had no choice but to moan and just sink into the kiss, returning it with one of his own.   
  
Finally Dom released Elijah, smiling in satisfaction at the dazed gleam in Elijah’s eyes. “I’ve been wanting to do that all night.”  
  
“So have I…, ” Elijah smiled, leaning in for another kiss, almost forgetting what he had wanted to discuss with Dom, but just as his lips were about to connect with his boyfriend’s once more, he remembered. He quickly stepped away, knowing that if he was going to have this discussion, he was going to need a clear head. His head was anything but clear when kissing Dom. “But I didn’t ask you in here to make out with you.”  
  
“You didn’t?”  
  
“Nope. Sorry to disappoint you, but I asked you here to talk to you about something important…” Elijah began to twist his hands, feeling nervous all of a sudden. He didn’t know why. He knew that his wanting to come out to their friends would be great news to Dom, who hated hiding their love so much.   
  
Dom frowned. He didn’t know what to expect. “What is it?”  
  
“What do you think…about telling our friends about us? Tonight?”  
  
Dom stared at Elijah, not sure whether he should believe him or not. “Are you serious?”  
  
Elijah nodded. “Yes, I am. I mean, they are our friends…they’d be happy for us. Right? I mean…why wouldn’t they? Billy knows and he’s happy…and not everyone will react like Sean, who was influenced by that New Line fucker…I mean…what do you think?”  
  
Dominic smiled, his eyes lighting up with happiness. “I think it’s a great idea, baby. I mean…just think. No more stealing kisses in secret places. We’d be able to completely be ourselves at last. At least around our friends.”  
  
“So you want to? Come out to our friends?”  
  
Dominic nodded. “Yes…I do…”  
  
Elijah smiled and looked down at his feet, his mind still working. He wanted to do this…but when? When would it be most appropriate? As if reading his mind, Dominic answered that question.  
  
“We should do it now.”  
  
“What?” Elijah looked up at Dominic, a bit startled. He hadn’t been expecting Dominic to want to do it right away, not that he had a problem with it. In fact, it was probably best to get it over with anyway. “Now?”  
  
“Why not? We’re all together in one place. If we do it now, we’ll get it behind us and won’t have to sit on pins and needles waiting for the next opportunity or have to repeat the announcement to anyone else.”  
  
Elijah chewed on an already ragged nail before nodding. “Alright. Sure…let’s tell them now…” He couldn’t help the apprehension. He had no idea how everyone would react. What if it was bad? What if everyone hated them? What if they all reacted like Sean and thought that his relationship with Dominic would ruin the movies? What if…all thoughts of what if faded when he spied Sir Ian at the back of the room, who gave him a small wink. It was like that one wink had wiped away all thoughts of what if as he and Dominic stepped into the middle of the room, hand in hand. That wink told him to be brave. That they could get through this together and that no matter what, he had Sir Ian’s support and friendship.  
  
Elijah gathered up his courage, holding onto Dominic’s hand tightly to keep it from fading and cleared his throat loudly to capture attention. As everyone turned to them, he swallowed and began to speak. “Hey everyone. Um…Dominic and I have an announcement to make.” He looked at Sir Ian again and felt his courage rise up once again. “You may not have been aware of this…well a few of you are, but most of you probably aren’t…but…well…for the past several months, Dominic and I…well….”  
  
“We’re together, mates. As in more than mates. More like…well...lovers,” Dominic grinned, his grip on Elijah’s hand tightening, the only sign that he too was nervous. To Elijah’s ears, he sounded as confident as ever.   
  
“Since when?” Orlando spoke up, his brown eyes confused, and that was the only thing Elijah could read in them.   
  
“Since almost the beginning,” Elijah swallowed. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, but we didn’t know how you’d react. We thought it best to keep it our little secret for a while, but both of us feel comfortable enough now to come out to the rest of you guys. So we can be ourselves around our friends…not hide anymore…”  
  
  
It was Pete who spoke next. He approached them both, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I trust that the both of you know how to conduct yourselves professionally? That any quibbles won’t affect your work?”  
  
“We’re very professional. All disagreements will remain between us. It won’t affect our work,” Elijah reassured the director, getting why he was concerned. Work place relationships that sour could make things difficult indeed, but he was positive that such a thing wouldn’t happen between himself and Dominic and if it did…the movies would be long over.  
  
“Well then you have my blessing,” Pete grinned, patting both boys on the shoulder.  
  
“Yeah. Mine too,” Viggo grinned.  
  
Relief washed over Elijah as their friends came and pulled them both into hugs of acceptance and reassured that their friendships remained intact. That nothing changed. They still loved the couple as much as they had before they had known that they were lovers. That they supported their relationship and no longer had to hide their feelings when surrounded by friends.   
_  
They had been surrounded by true friends….  
  
Elijah sighed, pushing the memory away. It only brought pain to think of that evening now. Elijah had felt that they were untouchable. That nothing could ever hurt or separate them back then. How wrong he had been! They had been separated by something they couldn’t beat. Illness. Death.   
  
Wiping away his tears, Elijah decided to go to bed for the rest of the evening. He couldn’t take the crushing loneliness anymore. Sleep had become his only escape.


	14. 14

_**Present Day** _

Elijah stood under the shower and let the water wash over his exhausted muscles. It had been a long and emotionally exhausting past couple of days. He had spent the last few days up in the attic going over memorabilia and reliving memories, most of them happy. The trip to Australia. The parties. The surfing dates and romantic dinners. Stolen moments on set and elsewhere. It had all been so fucking magical...and over all too soon. He still remembered the final night in New Zealand, after the wrap party. It had been the ending of their time in New Zealand, but the beginning of what had probably been the happiest years of Elijah's young life...

_**_December 22, 2000_ ** _

_It had been_ _a fucking awesome night. At least that's_ _what Elijah had thought. Awesome, but at the same time sad. It had been the wrap party. Finally, principal photography was finished, which meant that it was time for them all to leave New Zealand and return to the lives that they had lived_ _before embarking on what had been a fucking awesome, most unforgettable adventure. Smiling, he thought of all the friends he had made during the past year and a half. No...they weren't friends. They were more than that. They were family. That was what these people were to him now. Family. This had been a once in a life time experience that would_ _most likely never be replicated. Orlando, Billy, Viggo, Andy...they were all his brothers now. And Dominic...Dominic had become so much more to him than that. He was closer to Elijah than anyone._

_Tonight was the last time that Elijah would_ _see them all for a while...and it broke his heart to think of it._

_So he didn't. He had pushed it all to the back of his mind and_ _just enjoyed the wrap party. He had laughed at Billy and Orlando's jokes. Listened to Viggo as he_ _told him of his plans for the horse that Pete had given him to take to his ranch. And he had happily watched as Dominic had taken_ _the stage with the band and had drunkenly taken over_ _the microphone from the lead singer and rocked the stage. Elijah had giggled and cheered his boyfriend on and inwardly had to admit that Dominic wasn't half bad. In fact, he was_ _pretty damn good. If he hadn't known any better, Elijah would have said that Dominic had indeed been a_ _part of the band and belonged up there, now playing for a crowd of fans._

_After hours of drinking and laughter and music and sharing of memories, the party came_ _to an end and it had been_ _time for the drunken party goers to make their way back to their temporary homes, where they'd_ _spend one last night sleeping off the alcohol that they had consumed. Elijah and Dominic were no different. They hung on to each other as they stumbled out of the cab they had taken and made their way to Dominic's door. Elijah couldn't say why he wasn't going back to his house...just that he knew that this might_ _be his last night with his boyfriend for a while and he was not ready to say goodbye. He didn't think that he ever would be._

“ _Home sweet home,” Dominic mumbled, reaching into his pockets to fumble for the keys._

“ _Hmm...this isn't my home...,” Elijah slurred, leaning against his boyfriend, feeling dizzy and suddenly sad. This wasn't Dominic's home either. Dominic's home was in England and tomorrow he'd_ _be going back there and would_ _forget all about Elijah. He'd_ _probably find some hot Englishman and would_ _forget all about the goofy American he had liked back in New Zealand...that...what was his name again? Great... “I think I forgot my name...do you know it?”_

_Dominic's_ _laughter was loud and drunk as he hugged his boyfriend close. “Yes, I know your name.”_

“ _Well? What is it? Tell me,” Elijah grinned at Dominic, looking at the Brit with wide blue eyes._

“ _I don't know if I should,” Dominic smirked, finally getting the door open so he could stumble inside, taking Elijah with him. “I'm pretty sure that it's Frodo...but I may be wrong there...”_

_Words dried up as Dominic switched on the lights to find packed boxes, all ready to be shipped out first thing in the morning. It was a sobering sight. “Oh...almost forgot...”_

“ _You're such a fucking hoarder, Dommie,” Elijah sniffed, moving past his boyfriend to look at the boxes himself. “All of this stuff is going back to England?”_

“ _Yeah...”_

_Elijah was silent, his mind working, putting it all together. He suddenly felt weak and had to lean against Dominic to keep_ _from collapsing all together. He was grateful for the strong arms that suddenly wrapped around him, keeping him on his feet._

“ _You're going back to England, tomorrow?”_

“ _I'm 'fraid so, Doodle. I think our time in New Zealand is done for now...”_

“ _Oh...,” Elijah sniffed, blinking back the tears that suddenly filled his eyes. Fucking alcohol. It was so hard to keep control of emotions when filled with alcohol. “Fuck...”_

“ _Hey, what is this? Tears?,” Dominic turned Elijah around in his arms to find the young man's eyes leaking. Elijah tried to look away, attempting to hide them, but Dominic tucked a finger beneath_ _Elijah's chin to raise his eyes to look into his own. “Baby, it's ok...”_

_Elijah sniffed, embarrassed, yet unable to stop the words from leaving his mouth. “You're gonna forget all about me. You're gonna meet a_ _hot dude that looks like Sean Bean and will_ _forget that you love me...”_

“ _Never! Never ever,_ _Lijah,” Dominic kissed his lips trying to be as tender as he could, despite being drunk. “No one can take the place of my Elwood...”_

“ _Promise. Promise to come to LA! Be with me!” Elijah wrapped his arms around Dominic, clinging to him tightly, as if doing so would keep them there in New Zealand, in that moment._

“ _Of course I promise. I'll come and visit and you can show me around...”_

“ _And you won't fall in love with anyone else and forget about me! Promise!”_

_Dominic couldn't help but chuckle. “I promise. As if forgetting about you is even possible.”_

_Elijah sighed and hid his face against Dominic's chest, feeling full of desperation and fear. Dominic had become such an important part of is life. It was impossible to think of the time when he hadn't even known_ _him. And now that it was time to say good-bye, even for a little while...it was breaking his heart. It was over. Their magical life here in New Zealand. It frightened him to think of what could become of them out in the real world._

“ _We're gonna be ok, baby. I know it may seem scary right now...but we'll make do. You'll visit with your family and friends and I'll visit with mine and then I'll come to LA and it'll be like we were never_ _apart.”_

_Elijah looked up at Dominic, his eyes wide. “You'll come to LA just to be with me?”_

_Dominic laughed. “Well, yeah. I mean, it's also the world's_ _biggest entertainment industry and I want to try my luck in Hollywood as well, but you're also the reason to go there. I'm not about to let you get away,_ _Elwood. Trust me...”_

_Elijah smiled, his eyes shining with tears. “You’ll be a hit,_ _Dom. They’ll love you. Probably more than I do…”_

_Dominic just chuckled as he drunkenly kissed his boyfriend before releasing him and stumbling over to the couch. “Fuck, don’t even know what I’ll do in LA.”_

“ _Not to worry. I’ll show you around. I know some of the best music shops to go to and the best restaurants…and then we can go to auditions…”_

“ _Will I fit in with all your movie star friends?” Dominic smirked as Elijah stumbled over and flopped down onto his lap. Dominic wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him tight. Elijah didn’t mind. In his drunken state, the tighter the better. That way when tomorrow came, one wouldn’t be able to leave without the other._

“ _You will…even though you’re so much cooler than anyone in Hollywood. You are. I wish I was as cool as you…”_

“ _You are cooler than me, Lijah,” Dominic sighed, his long fingers now threading through Elijah’s hair, relishing the softness. “So much cooler…and prettier…and…fuck, I love you. You'll_ _be sure not to forget about me…”_

_Elijah turned around to look at Dominic, catching the sad edge to his voice. “I’ll never forget about you, Dommie. Never ever…I’ll love you for as long as I live…”_

“ _That’s an awful long time, Lijah.”_

_Elijah grinned and turned around to straddle Dominic’s lap and wrap his arms around his neck. “We’re gonna be together for an awfully_ _long time. That is if you don’t get sick of me first…”_

“ _That is never going to happen, baby,” Dominic chuckled, cupping Elijah’s face with gentle hands. “I’m never going to get sick of you…”_

_Elijah kissed Dominic just then. This was their last night in New Zealand and he wanted to spend the rest of it in Dominic’s arms and that was what he was going to do. Dominic obviously caught on to Elijah’s plan as he stood up a little and pushed Elijah down onto the couch cushions, his lips never leaving the young man’s beneath him. Clothes were drunkenly shed and a coming together took place. They made love that night, knowing that it would be the last love making they’d_ _have in this beautiful country, a world that they had made all their own._

**_Present Day_ **

Images. Memories of a time long past. Dominic had said that he’d never leave him. That he’d be with Elijah forever. One of the few promises that Dominic had broken. One of the most important ones. Not that it was Dominic’s fault. He hadn’t wanted to get sick, Elijah knew. Dominic had wanted to stay. He had wanted to live a long happy life with the man he loved. But that had been stolen from him…from both of them and Elijah couldn’t help but to resent it. He couldn’t help but curse fate for giving him Dominic, just to take him away again…

  



	15. 15

_**Present Day…** _

 

Today Elijah was taking a break from going through old memorabilia pertaining to their time in New Zealand. He still hadn’t found that picture that he was looking for and he was beginning to doubt that he even had it, but he was going to keep looking until there was nowhere else to look. At that moment however, his plan was to do something quite different. He was going to organize his DVD collection, something that he should have done years ago, really. He sat down in front of his entertainment center and pulled out cases upon cases of DVD’s. His collection wasn’t as big as his music collection, but it was still a lot to go through. His main goal was to organize them. Figure out what movies he had on Blu Ray and which ones were DVD only and what movies he had only viewed once and knew for a fact that he would never view again.

 

Going through the movies, Elijah found himself smiling at some of the titles. Specifically movies that he and Dominic had watched together. He remembered that January after they had wrapped everything up in New Zealand. They had both had a hard time of it that January. Elijah had found it hard to reconnect with his old friends, even though he had slowly but surely got back into the groove of being home again. Dominic on the other hand had been feeling restless and just couldn’t get settled. Elijah remembered that phone conversation as if it had taken place yesterday…

 

_**January, 2001** _

 

 

_Elijah stared at the phone, daring himself to pick it up and dial one of his many friends that he hadn’t talked to in months…well ever since he had left for New Zealand. He had meant to reconnect when he had returned to LA and had settled in and had gotten back into the groove of his old life. But he just couldn’t do it. For some reason, he just couldn’t pick up the phone to call anyone. The only people, besides his family that he had talked to were people from New Zealand. He had spoken to Sean twice, had exchanged phone calls with Billy and Orlando, and talked to Dominic daily. But when it came to his regular friends, friends he had before New Zealand…something always stopped him. He couldn’t really put his finger on it. He didn’t know if he thought that his friends wouldn’t understand or be interested or if he felt that he had moved on from them. He just knew that he was having a hard time reconnecting. He avoided their calls and struggled to make the calls himself. He felt terribly guilty over it, but he didn’t know what he could do about it. He loved his friends, he didn’t want to lose them. But he knew that was what would happen if he didn’t make a change and soon…_

 

“ _Come on,_ _Elijah. Just pick up the phone and dial Josh. Meet up for lunch. You can do it,” Elijah thought to himself, reaching for the phone, determined to go through with it. He was through with being nervous and scared. There was nothing to be nervous and scared about. He was just going to do what he had just told himself to do. He was going to pick up the receiver, call his friend Josh Hartnett and make arrangements to meet up. Fucking easy! He reached for the phone and was just about to wrap his pale fingers around the receiver when the shrill ring of the phone went off, announcing an incoming call._

 

_Feeling relief fill him, Elijah picked up the phone. He didn’t know why he felt such relief at not having to call Josh at that moment, but he did. He didn’t know what to say or what they would talk about really or even if they’d still have anything in common, besides the smoking of the cloves. The problem was that he felt like a completely different person than he was before New Zealand. Before New Zealand, he had been unsure about his future as an actor, thinking about things like college and what he would major in if he went that route. Then the part of Frodo had come up and despite his reservations, he had_ _auditioned and it had changed his life. Majorly. One major change being that he had_ _admitted to himself and everyone else that he was indeed gay. He liked boys and not only that…he was in love. Who would have thought that would ever happen? Certainly not him. But he was and he wouldn’t change a thing. He liked himself for the first time in years. He just didn’t know if his old friends would still feel the same when they found out just how much he had changed._

 

_Pushing all of those thoughts to the back of his mind, he took a big breath and answered his call. “Hello?”_

 

“ _Hey baby. Are you busy?” Dominic’s raspy deep voice asked._

 

_A wide grin appeared on Elijah’s face. Dominic’s calls were what was keeping him somewhat sane at the moment. He had no idea that he could miss someone as much as he missed his boyfriend. The phone calls did little to relieve the ache he felt. He just wanted to be in Dominic’s arms once again. Maybe then he could deal with the world outside. “Hey. No, was just going to try to call Josh …”_

 

“ _Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to disrupt…”_

 

“ _No! No, don’t apologize! I’m glad that you called, really. Kind of gave me an excuse to put it off…,” Elijah chewed on his bottom lip. He had talked numerous times to Dominic about his phobia of connecting with old friends. His boyfriend tried to be as supportive as he could from where he was now, but with Dominic so far away, it didn’t really help much. If only Dominic was here in LA with him. It’d probably be so much easier._

 

“ _Still not wanting to talk to your old friends, huh?” Dominic guessed, his voice dripping with sympathy._

 

“ _Sadly, no. I mean…fuck. I don ‘t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I just…well…I feel like I’m a different Elijah. I’ve changed and they have_ _most likely stayed the same. I mean…,” Elijah sighed and sat down onto the couch, lighting up another clove. “What if they don’t like the new me? What if I’m putting_ _myself out there to be hurt?”_

 

“ _Of course they’ll_ _like the new you. If they are_ _your real friends, they will_ _accept you no matter what. Sure,_ _you’ve changed. You were what? Eighteen or Nineteen years of age when you went to New Zealand? Gone for a good year and a half. Of course you have changed. You would have probably changed whether you had gone to New Zealand or not. That’s all part of growing up, baby. If they can’t handle that, you’re better off without them. But you’ll never know if they’ll accept you or not if you don’t make contact.”_

 

_Elijah sighed. Dominic was right. Of course he was, why wouldn’t he be? But here was still that paralyzing fear that Elijah had to work through. It was one thing to talk about reconnecting, it was totally different actually doing so. “You’re right. I just have to stop being a fucking sissy and call them. Fuck, it would probably be so much easier if you were here. Loan me some of that confidence of yours.”_

 

_Dominic laughed. Elijah had no idea. “Baby, I’d probably make it worse. We’d be spending most of our time in bed, therefore still preventing you from giving your friends a call.”_

 

“ _Pft! Friends are overrated anyway,” Elijah chuckled, knowing that Dominic was right about that as well. Why bother calling friends when he could spend the time making love to his hot English boyfriend? “Enough about me, man. What about you? How is England treating you?”_

 

_It was a few minutes before Dominic answered, his voice sounding a bit strange. Elijah frowned, sensing that maybe all was not well with his boyfriend as well. He felt guilty for thinking that Dominic would be able to seamlessly fit right in when he got back home. Sure his boyfriend was pretty confident and sure of himself at the best of times, but he also knew that Dominic could be just as sensitive and insecure as he was at times._

 

“ _I’m coming along, I guess. Been enjoying my Mum’s cooking and watching football with my dad…”_

 

“ _That’s good. Have you gotten together with any of your friends?”_

 

_Dominic sighed. He had hoped that he could keep the conversation off_ _himself for a little while longer. Elijah had enough problems. He didn’t want to saddle him with any more. But Elijah was persistent when he was concerned about those he loved and Dominic could already hear the tinge of concern in Elijah’s voice. He could probably tell that not all was right with him. “Kind of. I’ve just been feeling kind of…I don’t know. Strange.”_

 

_Elijah frowned as he settled down onto his couch, getting comfortable for a long conversation. “What do you mean?”_

 

“ _I don’t know. I feel…well…kind of restless. Like I should be somewhere else doing something else than what I’m doing. I just got home and all I want to do is pick up and leave again…”_

 

“ _Is there anywhere you’d want to go? And what of your friends and family? Have you been in contact with them?” Elijah couldn’t help but wonder if Dominic was having the same problem he was having on reconnecting with friends. He wouldn’t feel like such a fucking freak if he was. It was awful to wish that for his boyfriend, but he couldn’t help it. Right now he felt less than normal and if Dominic was going through the same thing…well then maybe he wasn’t such an oddity after all._

 

“ _Oh,_ _I want to go everywhere…do everything…mainly I want to be where you are. I miss you so fucking much…”_

 

_Elijah felt his heart constrict. He missed Dominic as well. So much that it was almost painful. Hearing his beloved voice over the phone everyday was the only thing keeping him sane. “I miss you,_ _too. You don’t know how much. I wish you were here, too. Maybe then I wouldn’t be such a fucking coward.”_

 

“ _You’re not a coward, baby. You’ve just gone through some changes and it’s going to take time for you to adjust,_ _much less having to deal with your friends adjusting as well.”_

 

“ _I just feel like a fucking failure at the moment._ _I guess…argh. We’re not talking about me, at the moment now,_ _are we? Not when we were talking about you feeling restless. What do your friends and family say about this restlessness? Or are you like me and haven’t really made contact yet?”_

 

_Dominic sighed. “Oh I’ve made contact, hung_ _out and all of it. It’s just…I don’t know…I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I mean…I’m home…but I feel like I don’t belong here…not anymore. I want to pack up and leave. Travel until I do find a place where I feel…settled. Not so fucking restless, you know?”_

 

_Elijah nodded his head, understanding Dominic’s feelings. He was having the exact opposite problem as Elijah. If only there was a way to help each other through this time. Maybe there was. The idea just came to Elijah. It was so simple and doable and not only that, it’d put himself and Dominic inside the same space again. They could be together!_

 

“ _Why don’t you come on over to LA for a bit, man?”_

 

_The question was met with a few seconds of silence before Dominic spoke again. “Now?”_

 

“ _Why not now? You were going to come over anyway. So why not now? It's not like I don't have the space. I’m occupying my mom’s guesthouse_ _and there’s plenty of space. Plus my mom and Hannah have been wanting to meet you anyway and you’ll get a chance to see if you’d like the LA lifestyle. Not to mention, we’ll be together again…and maybe you can help me with my connecting with friends problem?”_

 

_What did he say? Elijah was right. They had talked about and planned this. He was supposed to come to Elijah after he was finished visiting with his friends and family, so what was the point of putting it off now? There was no reason to say no. He had already done all the visiting he was going to do and judging by his restlessness, it was indeed time to go join his boyfriend in LA._

 

“ _I say that’s a bloody awesome idea! I probably should have been there already...”_

 

_Elijah laughed, beginning to feel more relaxed, his problems with connecting with his friends pushed to the back of his mind. Dominic was coming! That trumped everything in Elijah’s book. “So you’ll come?”_

 

“ _Wild horses couldn’t keep me away, love. When is it convenient for you?”_

 

“ _Any time you’re ready.”_

 

“ _Well…I have to wrap things up here and tell my family goodbye again, but I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll call before I leave…”_

 

_Elijah grinned, his chest filling with excitement. Dominic was coming! He’d be in his beloved Brit’s arms once again! That was all he could ever ask for!_

 

“ _Fucking awesome! Fuck, I better get off here. Have some cleaning up to do. Don’t want you to think that I’m a slob…”_

 

_Dominic laughed, his voice was tinged with amusement. “You,_ _a slob? Impossible.”_

 

“ _You will change that opinion if I don’t straighten up the place before you arrive,” Elijah chuckled. “My mom will probably die of shock when she sees how clean I plan to get this place.”_

 

_Dominic smiled despite the nervous twinge he felt at the mention of Elijah’s mother. At last, he was going to meet the parents…or rather parent and he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. “I hope she’ll like me…”_

 

“ _My mom? Oh she’ll probably adore you. Just do to her what you did to me. Use your British charm on her…”_

 

_Dominic laughed. “Do you think that’ll work?”_

 

“ _Of course. Haven’t you heard? All American women are suckers for the English accent,” Elijah giggled._

 

“ _And the American men? What about them?”_

 

“ _Only the gay ones,” Elijah snorted._

 

“ _Yeah. I suppose that must be true,” Dominic chuckled, glancing at the clock and wincing at how late it had gotten. If he was going to make it to LA anytime soon, he was going to have to start preparing to leave now. “I better get off here or there won’t be any LA trip.”_

 

“ _Alright…,” Elijah sighed, hating to hang up…to lose the connection to Dominic. But knowing that he’d_ _see him soon helped ease the now familiar ache. “I’ll see you soon, honey. I…I love you…”_

 

“ _I love you too, Elwood. Stay out of trouble until I get there.”_

 

“ _Of course,” Elijah smiled. “I’ll wait until you get here before searching some trouble out.”_

 

“ _Haha. Bye,_ _Lijah.”_

 

“ _Bye,” Elijah stayed on the line until he heard the click severing the connection between his house and Dominic’s house in England. Placing the receiver back onto the stand, Elijah looked around the small cottage, taking a quick inventory of what needed to be done before Dominic’s arrival._

 

_Vacuum. He needed to vacuum the place and dust mostly. But the vacuum was at his mother’s house…who he also needed to tell that he was going to have company. His mother loved to entertain and she was going to be looking forward to meeting someone from his time in New Zealand, he knew. She would probably insist on making some big dinner. She was going to love Dominic as much as he did…_

 

_Elijah remembered when he had come_ _out to his mother. It had been_ _during that first Christmas break and he had gathered both his mother and Hannah into the living room and as nervously and gently as possible, had_ _told them why he seemed to have such a hard time connecting to girls. Why he could never keep a proper girlfriend. That his preference lay with men and that he had actually found a boyfriend in New Zealand that he hoped that some day they’d_ _meet. They had taken_ _the news in stride. Hannah hadn’t been at all surprised, while his mother had been shocked, but accepting. She had_ _stated that she was proud of Elijah for having the courage to do what so many found so hard and that she still loved him no matter what and would support him. It had been such a great relief. He had almost been sure that he would lose his family, yet he hadn’t. They still loved him, despite it all. And now it was time for them to meet the love of his life. Dominic._

 

_Whistling to himself, Elijah went about his housework, looking forward to the coming house guest._

 

_**Present Day…** _

 

That telephone conversation alone had been proof of how connected he and Dominic had been. They had both been going through their own issues after the amazing experience of filming Lord of the Rings. Yet they had been able to turn to each other with love and understanding. Offer a safe haven from it all.

 

But now that Dominic was gone…there was no safe haven for Elijah. He was left adrift in an ocean of grief and heartbreak. Even after all the time that had passed, it felt as if his pain would never heal.


	16. 16

_  
Dear Dom,  
  
I know it’s been a while since I wrote you a letter.  I’m sorry about that.  I really have no excuse, but believe  me when I say that just because I didn’t write you doesn’t mean that I haven’t been thinking about you.  I’ve been thinking about nothing but you and the life we had made with each other.  My thoughts are a bit different now, leaving our happy time in New Zealand.  God, that seems like a million years ago now.  I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I had been during those times in that beautiful country that we have never made home, despite our best intentions to do so.    
  
Do you remember when you first came to LA, Dom?  How we were both having some issues returning to our lives and found comfort in each other?  Even then, you were home to me.  We were home to each other.  But what am I to do now that you’re gone?  I mean…I’m homeless now, Dom.  Not literally of course…but the  one person that I could always go to…that always made me feel like I belonged and always gave me comfort and love, is gone forever.  Now what am I to do?   I know, you can’t answer that.  I don’t expect you to.  But it would be nice if someone had the answer.  Better yet, it’d be fucking awesome if you could be returned to me.  Healthy  and strong.  But that too is impossible.  What is it with me today, Dommie?  Wishing for the impossible.    
  
I can’t stop thinking about you, Dom.  I just can’t.  I know, I’m just torturing myself.  Every thought of you aches awfully because I know that you’re gone from my life forever and there’s no getting you back.  But I can’t help it.  Fuck, I’ll just admit it.  I’m living in the past.  It’s all I can do, because that’s where you are now.  Is it healthy?  No.  Do I care?  Not really.  Yes, I am fucked up, but I’m beyond caring at this point.  I just want to go back in time.  Back when you first came to LA.  Back when you came to me and we became each other’s anchor.  At least for a little while…  
  
These letters really aren’t helping…but somehow, they make me feel closer to you.  So I won’t stop.  I’ll just keep writing.  I love you, Dominic.  I’ll love you forever.  
  
Love. Lijah…_  
  
Elijah set down his pen and closed the journal that he used to write his letters in.  The letters weren’t only his only connection to Dominic now.  They were also a habit.  Something to help him cope with Dominic’s absence.  When he wrote, he felt as if Dominic was still out there in the world somewhere and would return to him some time in the future.  He knew that was impossible of course, but on some level…he hoped.  True, it was a foolish hope, but it was all he had.    
  
Stretching, he got up and made his way back into the living room.  He still hadn’t finished sorting his DVDs.  It was a bigger job than he had expected, really.  But he wasn’t  complaining.             
  
Settling down onto the hardwood floor, Elijah pulled out the case and began sorting through the DVDs, his mind returning to those early days in LA, when Dominic came to visit him.  
  
 _ **Janurary 2001**  
  
Elijah stood in the airport terminal, holding up a sign that read Monaghan.   He quivered with excitement just at the thought of seeing Dominic again.  They had talked every day over the phone, but it felt like it had been a million years since they had seen each other last.  Elijah had so many plans for them to do.  He was going to give Dominic a full tour of LA for one.  Then they were going to just hang out and watch DVDs and talk and see if they could help each other get through their issues.  
  
But first thing was going to be first when Dominic got off that plane.  He was going to take Dominic to finally meet his mother.  Both Debbie and Hannah had been harassing Elijah mercilessly to introduce them to his boyfriend and Elijah was eager to do so, once it was possible.  Dominic had returned to England when he had left New Zealand, wanting to see his own family and friends first thing.  But now he was finally coming to LA and it was time to meet the people in Elijah’s life that mattered.    
  
Twisting his hands, feeling nervous for some reason yet unknown to him, Elijah scanned the crowd for Dominic and didn’t have to do so for long.  He spotted him almost immediately, moving through the crowd, scanning for a sight of Elijah himself.  A grin appeared on his face when he spotted Elijah and waved.  Elijah wasted no time rushing to his boyfriend, and threw his arms around him in welcome.    
  
“Welcome to Los Angeles, Dom!” Elijah grinned, resisting the urge to give Dominic a nice deep kiss.  He had missed kissing Dominic so fucking much, but he didn’t dare do it here in the airport.  Dominic may not be well known just yet, but Elijah himself was at least recognizable and he didn’t want the paps, who stalked the airport relentlessly to click any pictures.  Sean was right about one thing.  Hollywood loved scandals and the last thing that the trilogy needed was a scandal involving its lead.  He didn’t want to give the paps any ammunition to start one.    
  
Dominic laughed.  “I’m here at last.”  
  
“I have so much planned for us to do,” Elijah continued to chatter, pulling out of the hug and taking Dominic’s hand in his own to lead him to his mini cooper. “But first, my mother has prepared a huge feast to welcome you.”  
  
“She didn’t have to go through the trouble.  Take away would have been fine,” Dominic chuckled.    
  
“It was no trouble.  She loves to cook and she wants to make you feel as welcomed as possible.  She does know how much you mean to me and wants you to feel at home.”  
  
Dominic couldn’t help to feel touched that Elijah’s mum, who had yet to meet him, wanted him to feel like this was his home…even though his own home back in England really didn’t feel like home at the moment.  But with Elijah here…maybe this place would.    
  
Present Day,  
  
Elijah sighed, thinking back to that first meeting between Dominic and his mother and Hannah and the hours following.  He had been pleased to see that they all had gotten along famously.  Both Hannah and his mother had been charmed by Dominic, listening intently to his stories of England and New Zealand.  It had been a great first impression for Dominic.    
  
But it had been the next night that Elijah had extra fond memories of, though.  They were supposed to have gone out with Elijah’s friends, but again Elijah had failed to call anyone to make those plans, so they had decided to just spend the evening in watching DVDs  and eating pizza and snacks.  It had been one of the best nights of Elijah’s life…  
  
Janurary 2001  
  
Dominic walked into the living room looking at the DVD case of Kate Winslet clinging to Leonardo Dicaprio with the Titanic in the background.  
  
“The director’s edition, Lijah?” Dominic stared at Elijah in disbelief.  “How did you get this?”  
  
Elijah followed, his arms full of drinks and snacks.  He looked at the DVD case after depositing his armload onto the living room table.  “I have some connections.  Comes with being a child star.  What?  Do you want to watch it?”  
  
Dominic gave him a strange look that asked if Elijah had lost his mind.  “It’s a chick flick.”  
  
“It’s romantic and sad.  I always want to cuddle close to someone at the end and have a good cry,” Elijah chuckled, giving Dominic an intriguing look. One that said that maybe chick flicks weren’t so bad.  
  
Dominic arched a brow at the last part about cuddling close and having a good cry.  A smirk appeared on his lips as he silently agreed that maybe chick flicks weren’t so bad.  Especially if by the end he’d have an armful of Elijah in need of comfort.  “Maybe we should watch this after all…”  
  
Elijah giggled and pulled his boyfriend into a quick kiss before pulling away.  “You pop it in and I’ll get the blankets.”  
  
“Yes, sir,” Dominic winked, letting Elijah go to do exactly that.   
  
Whistling, Elijah dashed into the bedroom and pulled off the blankets on his bed and returned to the couch where Dominic was settled onto the sofa, his sock clad feet propped upon a cleared spot on the table, watching the opening credits.  
  
“Hey, don’t start without me,” Elijah  plopped down beside him.    
  
Dominic smiled and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him against his side.  “Listen to that music.  That’s one thing that I love about this movie.  The music is rather heartbreaking.”  
  
Elijah just smiled and cuddled against his boyfriend, feeling like the happiest man on earth right now.  He had his movies and he had his boyfriend.  He really didn’t need anything else.  
  
Three hours later, Elijah was curled up on Dominic’s lap, his face pressed against the other man’s chest as he sobbed over the tragedy that was Titanic and Jack and Rose.  Feeling a bit teary himself, Dominic just held Elijah close and let him cry, rubbing his hand up and down his boyfriend’s back.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
  
“It’s so sad,” Elijah sobbed, his hands gripping Dominic’s shirt, clinging to him.  “Rose loved Jack and he loved her and he died for her!  It’s so unfair!  It should have been that fucker Hockley!  It should have been fucking Hockley!”  
  
Dominic sniffed back a few of his own tears.  “It was the gentlemanly thing to do back then, love.  Jack wouldn’t have been much of a man if he hadn’t  let Rose have the board and stay in the water…”  
  
Elijah shook his head.  “It’s still so unfair!  Jack was a good person, Dom!  And he made Rose happy!  They should have had a happy life together!”  
  
Dominic frowned for a second.  He saw the romantic side of the movie as well, but he also knew that in real life, couples like Jack and Rose wouldn’t have worked out.  They had only known each other for a few days, and as tired as Rose seemed of her high class life, a real high class girl of that era wouldn’t have been able to last a week in Jack’s world, especially on her own!  She most definitely wouldn’t have given a third class passenger like Jack Dawson the time of day, whether he saved her life or not!  In real life, the Caledon Hockley’s always got the girl.  
  
“Only in Hollywood, love,” Dominic sighed, lost in his own thoughts.    
  
“Huh?” Elijah sniffed, pulling away to look at his boyfriend.  “What is that supposed to mean?”  
  
Dominic shrugged, feeling guilty.  He didn’t want to ruin Elijah’s romanticized view of the movie with his thoughts.  “It’s a very sad  movie.”  
  
Elijah looked at Dominic with big blue, tear-filled eyes.  “What would you do, Dom?  If you were in a situation like that…?”  
  
Dominic frowned, not really knowing how to answer that.  He liked to think that he’d have done what Jack did.  Give the board or life jacket to Lijah and stay in the water.  “Probably the same thing Jack did. Take care of you and make sure you survived…”  
  
Elijah blinked and shook his head.  “I don’t want you to.  I think I should be the one to stay in the water…”  
  
Dominic laughed.  “No way.  Astin would have my arse if I allowed that to happen.  Besides…my main goal would be to protect you anyway.  I mean I can understand Jack there.  Wanting to protect his lover, no matter the cost to his own life.  Fuck, who are we kidding? With us both being men, both of us would have perished…”  
  
“I love this movie.  Do you think it was a dream at the end…or did she really go to Titanic heaven to meet up with her one true love?”  
  
Dominic again shrugged and took a sip of his beer.  “Probably just a dream.  Don’t really believe in heaven.”  
  
Elijah pulled away to look at Dominic with disbelieving eyes.  “How unfucking  romantic.”  
  
Dominic laughed.  He had no idea that Elijah was such a romantic when it came to movies.  “What?”  
  
“Don’t you think it wonderfully tragic?  Losing your one true love in a disaster, having to move on with your life, then after reciting the story of your love, getting to reunite in heaven?  Don’t you think it romantic?”  
  
Dominic just shrugged and rolled his eyes.  “Love, that only happens in Hollywood movies and fairy-tales.  But if it turns you on, I’m all for it.”  
  
Elijah frowned and then punched Dominic’s arm, annoyed.  “Stop being so fucking boring.  It was real.  She went to heaven to be with Jack.”  
  
Dominic just laughed and tightened his hold around Elijah in a warm, affectionate cuddle.  “If you say so, baby…”_  
  
 _ **Present day…**_  
  
Elijah felt like throwing the Titanic DVD case across the room, remembering the conversation at the end of  the movie.  How stupid and idealistic he had been back then.  He had thought that love was forever and nothing could come between two lovers.  Not even death.  Well, how fucking wrong he had been.  Death could separate lovers.  It had separated him from his Dominic and he was beyond pissed off about it.    
  
Rubbing at his eyes, he placed the DVD back where it belonged, thinking of  that long ago conversation.  Dominic hadn’t believed in places like heaven and hell.  So what did that mean for him now, that he was gone?  Had he gone to heaven anyway?  Or was he in hell for his lack of belief? Or was he in some sort of purgatory?  Or was he in some sideways world like from that show Dominic had done so long ago. Lost.  Was he living some strange version of his life, waiting to reunite with his loved ones?  Or was he still here with Elijah himself? Was he stuck here, watching Elijah go through all these memories and keepsakes, reliving their time together and ending each day in a wash of tears? If he was going on the times he had felt Dominic’s presence, sometimes so strong that Elijah felt he could turn around to find Dominic standing right there, he would say that was the case.    
  
But there was no way of knowing.  Not really…not unless Elijah was willing to die himself…and he’d be lying if he said that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind a number of times.  But he had never had the courage to actually go through with it.  So he just sat there, day in and day out and missed his Dominic, not knowing when or if he'd ever see him again.   


	17. 17

The ringing of the telephone was what woke Elijah up the next morning. After finishing up the sorting of the DVDs, Elijah had indulged in a glass or two or five of the German beer that Dominic had loved so much. Elijah had hardly ever drunk it himself, but buying it was a habit now after years of doing so…plus purchasing it made him feel closer to Dominic somehow. As if he kept buying it…just maybe his Dominic would return to him. He knew that was impossible, he did…but there was still a small part of him that refused to let the idea go. After he had finished sorting the DVDs, he had drunk way too much. He had pretty much gone past his limit and had fallen into a beer hazed sleep. Now he was feeling the after effects as he woke up to the shrill ringing of the phone.  
  
Groaning loudly, clutching his aching head, he picked up the receiver, wanting to throw it across the room for the pain its loud ring was causing him. Instead he lifted it to his ear and grumbled, still half asleep.  
  
“This better be good.”  
  
“Elijah? Is that you, dear?” Debbie Wood’s voice woke Elijah up the rest of the way. He rubbed his eyes and forced his voice to be a bit more chipper. It was never too early to talk to his mother.  
  
“Yeah, it’s me. Just got up to put on some coffee,” Elijah pulled himself out of the bed and went in search of some clean clothes to slip on. Despite his urge to stay in bed and mope all day, he knew that he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be healthy and he didn’t want to give his mother any clue that he was less than content…at least not this morning. He didn’t want to worry her and have her give him suggestions on how to lift himself out of this funk. Really, the only thing that would cheer him up was to see Dominic standing in the doorway smiling at him, but that was never going to happen, so he wasn’t going to waste her time.  
  
“Oh good. I was afraid that I had woken you,” his mother sighed in relief. “I was just calling to let you know that if there’s anything that you need to retrieve from the guesthouse, you should do so as soon as possible.”  
  
Elijah frowned. “Why?”  
  
“Well…with you kids all moved out ages ago and me not getting any younger…well the house has become a bit too much for me. It’s only me and I want to downsize to a smaller place, so I’m putting the house on the market. I’ve already called your brother and sister to come collect what belongings they have left behind…and I know how much the guesthouse meant to you and well, I didn’t know if you or Dominic had left anything. I want you to have plenty of time to go through the place and collect whatever you may find…”  
  
Elijah closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling his heart break once again. She was selling the house…which meant that she was selling the guesthouse…the first place that he and Dominic had lived together as a couple. The guesthouse contained so many memories. Memories that he cherished. He had foolishly thought that the house would always be in the family. That he could go there at any time and relive those early days of their romance outside of the safety of New Zealand. He hadn’t given any thought to the possibility of his mother selling the place. But now that she was…Elijah wanted to see the guesthouse one last time. It was another part of him and Dominic to say goodbye to.  
  
“Elijah, Honey? Are you still there?” His mother asked, concerned by Elijah’s sudden silence.  
  
Elijah shook himself out of his thoughts and quickly answered. “Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’m still here. Was just thinking…I’ll be over later this afternoon…”  
  
“You don’t have to come over right away, sweetie. I just wanted to let you know of my plans and…”  
  
“It’s no problem. I’ll be over. I think Dominic may have left some CD’s and books there…”  
  
“If you'd rather I gather them and send them to you, I don’t mind,” Debbie replied, knowing that her son had already been having a hard time dealing with his loss thanks to going through some memorabilia from New Zealand. She wanted to spare him any more pain if she could.  
  
“It’s alright, mom. It’s not like I’m not going through most of his stuff anyway these days. I’ll be fine…”  
  
Debbie frowned, not at all sure if having Elijah come to go through the guesthouse was a good idea after all. She hadn’t been thinking when she had made the call to her son, and now she wished that she hadn’t. She should have just done the job herself. “Are you sure, sweetie? If you think it’s too much, I can do it myself and just send anything of Dom’s to you or ship it to Aureen for you…”  
  
“I’m positive, mom. Dom…he was my husband and it’s my responsibility to take care of any belongings he left behind. I can do it. No problem. I’ll be ok.”  
  
“If you insist, darling, but don’t hesitate to call me if you change your mind.”  
  
“I won’t,” Elijah answered, his voice full of steely determination. He was not going to put clearing out his and Dom’s belongings, that is if there were any left over from their brief stay, onto his mother or anyone else. He didn’t care how…hard it would get for him. It couldn’t possibly be any more torturous than going through all of their New Zealand memories, like he’s been doing for the past couple of months.  
  
Debbie wanted to argue with her son some more. Insist that there was no need for him to come to Santa Monica and dig up memories better left alone. But he was a grown man, and as much as she wanted to protect him from anything that could cause him even more grief than he was already going through, she knew that she couldn’t. “Very well then. I’ll leave the guesthouse open for you. I’ll also make you a small lunch. Don’t try to tell me not to, Elijah. I’ve seen the recent pictures. You’re way too thin…”  
  
“Mom!”  
  
“You are! I have to go now. So much to do…,” Debbie sighed.  
  
“Alright, mom. See you when I get there…”  
  
“Good bye, son. Drive carefully,” Debbie hung up, leaving Elijah to his thoughts once again.  
  
Elijah hung up the phone and nearly collapsed onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. His mind was in a whirlwind. He couldn’t believe that his mother was selling the house. A house that held so many memories for him, most of them good. Especially the memories of the guesthouse. That had been the place where Dominic had stayed with him on his first visit to the US. The place where they had first lived together when Dominic had moved to the US permanently a month later. He hadn’t stayed permanently, but the time he had…it was a time that Elijah would always hold dear.  
  
 _ **February 2000**_  
  
  
 _Elijah stared in disbelief as his boyfriend carried in yet another box into the small guesthouse that they both were to call home. After a month of wandering around the world for Dominic, Elijah finally took the plunge and asked Dominic to not only move to the US permanently, but to move in with him. It didn’t take long for his boyfriend to accept and now they were carting Dominic’s belongings into the house. Elijah hoped that it’d make Dominic feel more at home. It was just that…Elijah had no idea that his boyfriend had brought so much stuff with him.  
  
“What did you do? Bring all of the things you accumulated in New Zealand with you?” Elijah giggled, amused. He didn’t mind having Dominic’s stuff there at all. In fact, it made him feel good. Like this was the start of sharing his life with Dominic. He grinned at his blushing boyfriend. It wasn’t everyday that he could make Dominic blush, so when he did, he enjoyed it immensely.  
  
“No. Just some things that I couldn’t live without,” Dominic shrugged, feeling a bit nervous. Moving to a new country was not something that he really took lightly and he just wanted to make sure that he was prepared for anything and had with him things that he loved the most. He just hoped that he hadn’t pissed Elijah off with all the stuff he brought, but judging from the huge beautiful grin that his boyfriend wore, he saw that it wasn’t really a problem.  
  
“Hmmm, I don’t know if we’ll have room for all of this stuff…but if not, mom has a basement. She won’t mind if we make use of it,” Elijah grinned, grabbing another box to carry in, wanting to get his boyfriend good and settled.  
  
“Your mum is too good to me,” Dominic smiled, also grabbing another box. “And so are you. I’m glad that I took you up on the offer to move here. I think for the first time in over a month I’m feeling more…at home…”  
  
Elijah just smiled in reply, feeling glad that he could do this for Dominic. Give him a place that he could feel more settled. Touched that Dominic felt like home was where he was. Of course, Elijah felt the same and looked forward to having Dominic in his life full time once again. This time, he planned to never be separated from Dominic so easily again.  
  
After another twenty minutes, all of Dominic’s belongings were inside, and Elijah stood in the kitchen, wondering what to prepare for dinner. He wanted it to be something special, to celebrate their new living arrangements. It was the start of a new level to their relationship and he wanted to mark it with delicious food, good music, and perhaps end it with a night of lovemaking that neither would soon forget.  
  
“Home sweet home,” Dominic sighed, sliding up behind Elijah and wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, taking him by surprise. Elijah giggled and turned around to wrap his arms around Dominic’s neck, happily smiling up into his smiling blue eyes.  
  
“Do you mean it? Does it really feel like home to you?”  
  
Dominic smiled, remembering the past month. How after his visit with Elijah, he had just drifted from one place to another, never feeling settled. Never feeling that he belonged anywhere. The only place that he had truly felt like he was meant to be there had been early in January, in Elijah’s arms. “Yes. I really mean it. It really does. I think that anywhere you are is home to me…”  
  
Elijah felt his heart swell in his chest. Never in his life had anyone said such a thing to him. Of course, Dominic was his first really serious relationship, but Elijah couldn’t help but feel that this was it for him. That it wasn’t only his first serious relationship, but the one that would matter most. Dominic was it for him. His soul mate. He couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else.  
  
“I love you so fucking much…”  
  
Dominic smiled and pulled Elijah closer, leaning in for a soft, warm kiss. “I love you, too.”  
  
“What would you like for dinner?” Elijah asked, pulling out of Dominic’s arms and walked to the refrigerator, hoping that some ideas would come to him once he perused the stocked shelves.  
  
“I don’t know,” Dominic shrugged, watching his boyfriend scan the refrigerator, not really feeling all that hungry. To be honest, all he really wanted to do was just curl up with Elijah and just…bask in this thing they shared and this new level that their relationship had moved on to. Really, if anyone had told him that he’d come away from New Zealand with the love of his life, he would have thought them crazy. But it was all true. Elijah was the love of his life. Yeah, they were young, anything could happen from now until they were old and gray, but something on some primal level told him that there would never be anyone like Elijah. No one else could even begin to compare…  
  
“It’s amazing. I just went shopping and stocked the fridge, but now I can’t think of what to cook for you.”  
  
“You don’t have to cook for me,” Dominic chuckled. “Just being here with you is enough. Why don’t we just order out?”  
  
“Good idea. You like Thai?”  
  
“My favorite,” Dominic winked, before leaving the room. “Why don’t you order and I’ll change into something more comfortable.”  
  
“Sure,” Elijah called out, grabbing a stack of take away menus that he kept taped to the refrigerator. It took him only a few minutes to find the menu he wanted and to call and make the order. By the time he was finished, Dominic had returned. Elijah smiled as he heard Dominic’s footsteps and turned to greet him, only for him to open his mouth in shock and the menu he was holding fell to the floor. When Dominic had said something more comfortable, he had never imagined that it’d be…well…nothing at all. He couldn’t stop his eyes from traveling over Dominic’s tanned, well muscled body. His boyfriend seemed to be one to work out and it showed.  
  
“Yes?” Dominic asked, amused by Elijah’s reaction.  
  
“A little early to walk around naked…isn’t it?”  
  
Dominic laughed. “Not at all. I always walk around naked when in the safety of my place of residence. This isn’t a problem, is it? I mean…you’re not bothered by that, are you?”  
  
Dominic smirked, knowing that his boyfriend had no problems at all with having to look upon his naked form daily. Evidence of that was quite obvious in the desire burning in Elijah’s eyes and the way Elijah’s pink tongue darted out, licking his lips, as if his mouth was suddenly dry.  
  
“Um…no. Not at all…was just surprised is all…feel free,” Elijah stammered. “Just make sure that you have clothes on when company drops by.”  
  
Dominic laughed, his voice teasing. “Embarrassed by me, Mr. Wood?”  
  
“No. Not at all. It’s just that your treats are for my eyes only. Want to keep it that way, right?”  
  
“Of course,” Dominic’s smile went from teasing to gentle. He had to admit that he was touched by what Elijah had said. “Naked Dom is for Lijah’s eyes only. As well as his hands and other body parts…”  
  
“Dom!” Elijah giggled.  
  
Dominic just winked at his lover and made his way back into the living room, where he flopped down onto the couch and picked up the remote control. “What do you want to watch baby?”  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Elijah shrugged, walking in behind Dominic, still unable to keep his eyes off of his naked boyfriend. Maybe this walking around naked idea wasn’t good after all. If he kept this staring up, he wouldn’t be able to get anything done. Hesitating for a minute, not sure what would happen once he was so close, Elijah went to sit in the space next to Dominic, but instead, he found himself being pulled onto Dominic’s lap and held close against a bare, warm chest. He swallowed as he felt his own jeans tighten.  
  
“I thought that you’d be more comfortable here,” Dominic smirked.  
  
“You thought right,” Elijah smiled, turning around so that he was straddling Dominic’s lap and wrapping his arms around his neck. Since Dominic insisted on being naked right now, he might as well enjoy himself, right?  
  
Dominic laughed and kissed Elijah’s nose, very much aware of the young man on his lap. “You can’t comfortably watch the telly like this, love…”  
  
“You’re a lot more interesting than that television. In fact…maybe we should christen in this couch…”  
  
“Didn’t we do that when I visited last month?”  
  
Elijah gasped in mock outrage. “Dominic Monaghan! Are you telling me that you didn’t notice that this was a brand new couch? I bought it last week.”  
  
“Sorry, babe. Was preoccupied with much more important things…like resisting throwing you down on this beautiful peace of furniture and having my way with you…”  
  
“Oh yeah…I remember…” Elijah grinned, remembering how the plan to help reconnect Elijah with his friends was constantly put off because he and Dominic couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Kind of like now. Elijah was fighting to remember why he too couldn’t strip and take full advantage of the naked man beneath him.  
  
“Too bad that we’re gonna have to wait, isn’t it?”  
  
Elijah frowned, confused. Why would they have to wait to do anything? They were alone here. All it took for Elijah to get naked was a few pulls on his own clothing then he was all ready for couch christening. “Huh?”  
  
“Take away. Remember? They’ll be here any minute. I doubt that you’d want to go to the door naked and show off your lovely merchandise,” Dominic chuckled, letting a hand rub Elijah’s denim clad thigh.  
  
“Fuck. Had almost forgotten…,” Elijah sighed. “See what the sight of your naked body does to me?”  
  
“See what your clothed body does to me…,” Dominic shifted his hips so that his erection pressed against Elijah’s denim clad bottom, eliciting a longing moan from them both.  
  
At the feeling of Dominic’s hardness press against him, any thought of the take away flew from Elijah’s mind. He leaned down and claimed Dominic’s lips, planning to explore every part of his boyfriend for the next several hours. But those plans were disrupted at the sound of the doorbell, bringing the coming delivery back to his mind.  
  
“Damn,” Elijah gasped, forcing himself to pull away. “That was fast…”  
  
Dominic just chuckled and gave Elijah a quick, yet promising kiss. “Hurry and get the food and come back. I’ll be right here waiting…”  
  
“Is that a promise?”  
  
Dominic moaned deeply as he shifted against Elijah again, letting his body answer Elijah’s question.  
  
“Be right back…,” Elijah hopped off Dominic’s lap to get the food, wanting to get back as soon as possible so the christening of his new couch could begin…_  
  
 _ **Present Day**_  
  
Elijah smiled at the memory of that first night of their living together. Christened the couch they had and then they had moved on to other rooms. By the end of that evening, Dominic had no longer been the only naked one in the house. Now the guesthouse that had contained so many memories for him was going to belong to someone else. Someone that had no idea of the love and promise the guesthouse had contained for them. Someone that had no clue of the memories.  
  
He closed his eyes and angrily rubbed at the threatening tears. He could understand his mother’s need for a smaller place, but it still hurt that she was selling it. That he would no longer be able to stop by he guesthouse and just drown in the memories of his and Dominic’s time there. It was like the world was moving on without Dominic, and it just seemed unfair. It was moving on, leaving him nothing to hold onto. Only his memories.


	18. 18

Chapter 18  
  
 _ **Dear Dominic,  
  
I found that picture that Matthew wanted at fucking last! It was that time we had went to Paris.  You remember.  Sean and Christine have been with us.  Looking at that picture sure has brought back a lot of memories.  Well, everything brings back a lot of memories of our time together.  You looked so happy in that picture.  So carefree.  No one had a clue of all the angst, tears, and arguments that had happened before that point.  All seemed well and happy.   Anyway…I’m sending the picture to Matthew as soon as possible and will be putting away all the memorabilia.  I think I’ve had enough.  It’s not that I hate remembering those times we’ve shared in New Zealand…it’s just…it’s too fucking painful.  And then when I think of the times after New Zealand…all that the real world has thrown at us, trying to tear us apart and the time we wasted in heartbreak and anger when we should have been spending it loving each other…when I think back to those times…it just makes me angry. I should have known that I wouldn’t be able to keep you forever.  That something would take you away.  I should have known to just ignore the suits and the PR and just enjoy what we had.  But I hadn’t.  I wasted that precious time denying you.  Pretending that we weren’t more than friends.  Trying to put an image out for the world to see and make people who didn’t even matter happy, while nearly destroying the one person that did matter the most.    
  
I’m sorry, Dominic.  I’m sorry about all of it.  Listening to the suits, Franka, letting you move out…fucking all of it.  I wouldn’t blame you if you never talked to me ever again.  I really wouldn’t.  I count myself lucky that you had even agreed to give me another chance…even thoug that was after you took off to do Lost…but still that second chance…you’ll never know how much that meant to me…  
  
I better go.  Have to clear out the guesthouse.  Mom is expecting me there in another hour.  I love you, Dominic.  Always have and always will.  
  
Love   
  
Elijah  
**_  
Elijah folded the letter and placed it in the shoebox with all the other letters he had written to his deceased husband.  Letters that would never be read.  He slipped the box back under his bed and stretched as he gave a loud yawn.  To be honest, he was so fucking glad to have found the picture that Matthew had requested and to stop rummaging around up in the attic.  All those memories…they were about to kill him.  Not that they went away or stopped new memories from popping up…memories that weren’t as happy…memories that he wished would have faded a long time ago.    
  
Smoothing the wrinkled sheets on his bed, he thought of all the mistakes that he had just gotten through apologizing for.  Mistakes that had caused Dominic pain.  Mistakes that wouldn't have been made if they had been anyone else.  Mistakes that had cost  them precious time, time that would never be able to be made up for.    
  
He shivered as he remembered the first of those mistakes and the resulting hurt it had caused.  It had been after that movie with Franka and the disastrous attempt at bearding.  An attempt that had caused so much pain and confusion that Dominic had moved out, seeking solace from strangely, Sean Astin’s brother, Mackenzie.  Elijah still didn’t know how  the two had become such good friends.  He just knew that it had hurt to see Dominic tearfully leave their home, that had once been filled with laughter, love, and joy, to move in with the brother of a man he barely tolerated, just to get away from the lies that Elijah had been weaving…  
  
But it hadn’t started there.  No, that had been later.  At first, Dominic had tried to understand…had tried to live with the lies and be happy with what he could have of Elijah.  Had tried to accept the fact that Elijah’s time wasn’t just his anymore…that now he had to share with this girl…and that it was this girl that people would be accepting as Elijah’s significant other…not him.  It would never be him…not in this new harsh world outside New Zealand…never again…  
  
Elijah’s heart broke at the memory of those pain-filled gray-blue eyes that would look at him, plead with him, beg him to make it all go away, to return them to those happy New Zealand days.  When they had been the only people that mattered.  Not the suits, not the fans' misguided crushes, but their own love, hopes, and dreams.  Pleas, that at the time, Elijah had been too weak and helpless to do anything about…  
 _ **  
May 2002**_  
 _  
Elijah tossed his keys on the table to the right of the front door as he entered the guest house.  Nearly a month gone from LA, filming Try Seventeen.  It sure felt good coming home and returning to the life he had pushed aside to do this movie and its PR and other opportunities.  Now, all he wanted to do was just sink down in his bed, in the arms of his boyfriend, who he had missed like fucking crazy, and just chill for a few hours.  Not too much to ask for, right?  
  
The house was silent as he entered, barely any sign of life within.  Elijah frowned.  He had hoped that Dominic would be here as he hadn't been at the airport to pick him up like he had assumed that he’d be.  It had been a few days since he had last talked to his boyfriend over the phone.  He had explained why he wouldn’t be calling as much and the coming reports about himself and Franka.  He had wanted to make Dominic understand.  But the conversation hadn’t gone well, and Elijah could only hope that he could fix it when he got home.    
                                                                             
Dumping his bags by the door, Elijah looked around the small living room area and then walked towards the kitchen, in search of his disgruntled lover.  He knew that they were going to have to hash this out and the sooner they did, the better.  He didn’t want to argue, but doing so was probably the quickest way to get things back to some sense of normalcy between them.  Of course, the Franka subject was always going to be there, but bearding was something that a great many actors in Hollywood did and those actors still had healthy relationships with their male lovers, right?  There was no reason why anything between himself and Dominic had to change, really.    
  
“Dominic?” Elijah headed for the bedroom, after not finding his lover anywhere else in the house.  He frowned as he entered the room to find Dominic placing his shirt in an already full suitcase, determination etched into his unique features.  “Dom?  What is this?”  
  
“What does it look like?” Dominic didn’t look up at Elijah, his voice cold and only betraying a stern determination.  
  
“Like you’re packing your things.  But why?”  Elijah was confused.  Sure, they had  a bad argument.   Dominic had strongly disagreed about Elijah’s decision to do what the Hollywood suits had requested and pretend to be dating a girl, preferably a co-star.  Elijah had thought that they had agreed to wait until he returned to LA to discuss the matter further.  He had not expected to return home to find Dominic packing his things.  “We haven’t even talked yet…not really…”  
  
Dominic set down the shirt he had been folding and looked at Elijah with eyes that were shiny with tears.  “What is there to say?  This thing we have or rather had…it’s obviously not enough for you and…well I just can’t, Lijah.  I can’t be your dirty little secret.  I can’t just pretend that I’m happy being your secret boyfriend while you’re out gallivanting around with…her.”  
  
“You’re not even going to give me a chance, are you?  You were just going to wait until I came home and then just walk out?  Is that it?”    
  
Dominic sighed and shook his head.  “No.  Yes.  I don’t know.  I…I tried to wrap my head around it all, Lij.  These past few weeks, I went over it and over it through my head…trying to make it ok.  Trying to reason with myself and give you what you want.  But I just…I can’t.  Either we’re together…or we’re not and you’re off dating that Franka lass.  I can’t do this half way.”  
  
“So you decided to wait until I returned to walk out.”  
  
Dominic blushed and bowed his head in shame.  “To be honest…I was hoping to be gone long before now…”  
  
Elijah felt his heart drop down to his stomach at Dominic’s words.  He hadn’t even wanted to tell him in person that he was leaving.  What did that say about their relationship right then and there?  In New Zealand…everything had been so happy and shiny.  He had felt like they had been untouchable.  But here in LA, away from New Zealand and the circle of their friends' love and protection…it looked as if they weren’t as untouchable as he had thought.  There had to be a way to fix it, though. There had to be a way to stop Dominic from leaving!  He loved Dominic!  He didn’t want him to go!  These past months living with Dominic had been great!  He had learned so much about his boyfriend and had even fallen deeper in love if that was at all possible!  He didn’t want to lose him!    
  
“Dominic, please…you said that you’d wait until I came back so we could talk calmly about this.  You leaving like this…it’s not talking calmly.  Give me a chance to explain why I think this is a good idea.  Fuck, maybe you’ll agree once I’m done.”  
  
“Lijah…”  
  
“Please.  Don’t give up on us this easily.  Come into the living-room  and talk to me.  I love you, Dominic.  I don’t want to lose you because of something so…fucking Hollywood as this.”  
  
Dominic sighed deeply.  He had made up his mind.  He had been sure and resolute about his decision.  Did he really want to go back on it now?  He looked up at Elijah and felt his breath hitch in his chest.  He still loved Elijah.  So fucking much…perhaps too fucking much.  He knew then, the moment that he looked into those familiar blue eyes, that he couldn’t just leave as he had originally planned.  He didn’t really want to, if he was being honest with himself.  He wanted Elijah to talk him out of it.  He wanted to stay…perhaps he should give Elijah the chance to convince him to do so…at least try to get Elijah to see why this bearding decision was such a bad one.  Resigned to his fate, he let the shirt he had been folding fall back onto the bed.    
  
“Fine.  Let’s talk.”  
  
Dominic followed Elijah into the living-room, where they both sat on the couch in silence, neither knowing where to start first.  One thing they both did know though, was that this talk was going to determine the continuation of their relationship.  It was Elijah who finally decided to start.  After all, this was all about convincing Dominic that their relationship would not be affected by his bearding and that it was a good idea.  Elijah didn’t know how he was going to do that, but he was going to try, because the result of losing his boyfriend…it was not an option that he even wanted to think about…  
  
“I know that you hate the idea of me pretending to be straight and dating Franka.  I get that.  I honestly do…,” Elijah took Dominic’s hand and looked into his eyes.    
  
“Well then why are you still insisting on it?  Why are you here trying to convince me to sit back and accept this bullshit?”    
  
Elijah sighed.  This was going to be even more difficult than he had thought, obviously.  Dominic was dead set against this.  That was very clear.  If he couldn’t convince him that this was the right thing for them and their relationship, he didn’t know what he was going to do.    
  
“Look, I know that you don’t like this and I understand that.  Believe me (,) Dom, I do.  But don’t you see?  If the press gets wind of this…there goes any semblance of privacy that we have.  They’ll be  on our fucking backs all the fucking time.  We won’t have a moment to ourselves and everything about us will be out for public speculation.  The movies…they’re sweeping the globe, Dominic.  We’re the stars and people want to know about every corner of our lives, whether it’s private or not!  This one little lie…pretending to date Franka…it’ll allow us to keep our privacy.  Our  relationship won’t be up for public consumption because they’ll think that I’m with Franka and that will be where the media circus will focus their efforts.  It’s only to protect us, Dom.  Nothing else.  She means nothing to me.  Barely a friend.  Co-worker.  That’s all.  It’s you I love.  It’s  my relationship with you that I want to protect here.  More than anything.  I like going to restaurants with you.  I like our privacy.  It’ll be impossible to hang on to that if I don’t beard…,” Elijah gripped Dominic’s hand in both of his, his eyes pleading with Dominic to understand…to stay with him during this hard time in their relationship.    
  
“It’s fake, Lijah.  You know how I feel about that…”  
  
“I know…I know and I’m sorry.  But if we want to keep our relationship private…it’s pretty much necessary.  I mean…really, Dom.  Do you really want the paps to be up in our faces whenever we step outside together?  Do you constantly want interviewers to be questioning you about our love?  They’re not doing it now…but if we don’t beard, they will.  It’s inevitable….”  
  
Dominic sat back and squeezed his eyes shut, Elijah’s words running through his mind.  He hated to admit that his lover had a point.  He did enjoy their privacy and with the movies becoming big hits…with Elijah especially rising among the ranks of stardom…their privacy was in danger.  He had no problem with people knowing that he was dating Elijah, but he did have a problem with them going after every single moment that they spent together.    
  
He hated it.  The bearding thing, but somehow, he understood Elijah’s reasons.  He hated it, but understood it and couldn’t really bring himself to leave Elijah because of it.  Not just yet, despite his failed last ditch effort just a half hour ago.  He sighed and looked at Elijah in resignation.    
  
“I understand, I guess.  I don’t like it, Lijah.  I don’t condone it…but I understand it now…”  
  
“So you’ll stay?” Elijah asked, his eyes shining with hope.  
  
Dominic smiled half-heartedly, still not happy, but more agreeable at least.  “Yeah.  I’ll stay.  Just promise me that…it won’t affect us.”  
  
“It won’t.  I promise,” Elijah leaned in to kiss his boyfriend, relieved that he had averted  disaster.  That he had made Dominic see his side of things and now he was staying.  Yes, things would be hard.  He’d have to continue acting, even when he wasn’t in front of a camera.  But he’d do it.  He’d do it for their love and their right to privacy and on some level to protect himself.  He’d never tell Dominic this, but he was in no way ready to let the world know of his sexual preference.  If they believed him to be straight…well he wasn’t going to deny that.    
  
He’d never tell Dominic that, though.  He would leave him for sure and Elijah just couldn’t have that._  
  
  
 _ **Present Day**_  
  
Elijah sighed as he remembered those days.  He had been so fucking sure that he had been in the right.  He had purposely ignored the pain in Dominic’s eyes every time a report of him and Franka had showed up.  He had kept up with his excuses as long as he could, hoping to appease his lover.  But eventually, all of his excuses and appeasements hadn't been enough.    
  
Dominic had tried to live with the situation.  He had tried to be happy, being Elijah’s secret boyfriend, taking what Elijah could give.  Giving a sense of only friendship when in public and showing no romantic interest until they had  safely been behind the closed doors of the home they had shared.  It had gone on for six more months.  
  
But finally Dominic had  enough when the question of Elijah’s sexuality had come up in a radio interview and Elijah had denied all claims that he liked boys.  That had been the straw that had broken the fucking camel’s back for Dominic.  Elijah had come  home to find Dominic gone and a note saying that they’d always be friends, but their romance was over unless Elijah decided to start being truthful with himself and the world.    
  
That had been the one time that they had broken up and it had only been by note.    
  
Eliah shuddered at the memory of the first time he had lost Dominic.  Back then, he had no idea that he’d be able to get his lover back…just to lose him once again and for good.  He wouldn’t lose him to something as mundane as denial, but to something much more sinister…much more permanent.  Death…


	19. 19

_**Present Day**_  
  
Elijah was placing the last bags of his groceries into the car when he saw her.  Emilie de Ravin.  Dominic’s Lost co-star.  The one that had made Elijah so jealous, even though it had been the actress that had played Kate that Dominic had been dating at the time.  There had just been a vibe between Dominic and Emilie that had reminded him of himself and Dominic when they had been a happy couple in New Zealand.    
  
He sighed, remembering the time he had visited and the moment he had realized that despite the decision to rekindle their friendship and leave the romance in the past, that he had  still been  very much in love with his then former boyfriend and his reaction to finding that things had changed and that any possibility of getting Dominic back had been  out of reach….  
  
 _ **October 2005**_  
  
 _Elijah and Billy stepped onto the Lost set and looked around with wide eyes.  It was just like stepping onto the island.  Of course, being actors, they had expected this, but for Elijah, who was a fanatic of the show, it was an exciting treat.  He couldn’t wait to meet the other Lost actors and for Dominic to show them around.  
  
Billy smiled, sensing his friend’s excitement.  Not only the excitement of seeing the Lost set, but also getting to spend more time with Dominic.  He knew that Elijah had never gotten over their break up and regretted that the romance that had sprung out of New Zealand had ended.  He also knew that Elijah was grateful that things hadn’t ended too bitterly.  That Elijah and Dominic had managed to salvage a friendship, which in Elijah’s book was better than nothing.  But it was clear to Billy, that if there was ever a chance for him to get Dominic back…most likely he would take it.  They had been friends for a good long time now and Billy had to wonder if this was going to be the trip that Elijah decided to change things.  
  
All thoughts  of Dominic and Elijah faded as the two men spotted Dominic walking in their direction, deep in conversation with a beautiful blond that Elijah recognized immediately.  
  
“Oh my god, it’s Claire,” Elijah gasped.  
  
Billy chuckled, amused by Elijah’s geekiness.  “I believe her name is Emilie, Lij.”  
  
Elijah just rolled his eyes and waited for the two actors to reach them, working on calming down.  He didn’t want to go all fanboy over Dominic’s co-star, even though he doubted that he’d be able to stop himself.  
  
He smiled as he watched Dominic walk side by side with Emilie.  Elijah had to admit that Hawaii had been good to his former lover.  The sun made Dominic’s hair look  more blond than ever before.  Elijah wondered if maybe Dominic used some kind of product to make it look so blond.  He sported a nice tan, whereas he used to be almost as pale as Elijah back in the New Zealand days and those few years afterwards.  He carried himself with a confidence that he had lost in those dark LA days after the movies had been filmed and after the break up.  The Dominic he saw now was a different Dominic than the one he had once known, but he still wanted him.  Maybe now more than ever.  If only things were different…  
  
Elijah frowned as the two actors stopped and faced each other.  Judging from the look on Emilie’s face, she was unsure about something.  Confused.  Unconfident.  Then Dominic placed a hand on her shoulder as it looked as if he was saying something comforting to her.  His frown deepened as the actress smiled shyly and stepped into Dominic’s arms as he enveloped her in a warm hug.  Was that how it had looked when Dominic had hugged him for the first time back in New Zealand?    
  
Elijah remembered that hug as if it had happened yesterday.  Dominic’s strong arms  wrapped around him, giving him strength and a confidence that he hadn’t had before.  It had been one of the moments that had drawn them together.  He couldn’t help but wonder just how close Dominic and Emilie really were and if Dominic’s kindness drew her to him just like it had drawn Elijah all those years ago.  He winced at the jealousy that rose up at the thought of Dominic with someone else.  He knew that it’d happen eventually…he had just been hoping that the time wouldn’t be now…  
  
“Dommeh!” Billy called out once Dominic had pulled away from Emilie.  He waved and grinned as Dominic smiled brightly and waved back, heading in their direction.  “It’s about time that you two got here, mate!”  
  
Elijah forced a smile, what he had seen between Dominic and Emilie still running through his head.  He was going to have to be nice, even though that was the last thing that he wanted to be.    
  
Elijah watched as Dominic finally reached them and pulled Billy into a tight hug.    
  
“Did you have much trouble finding it?”  Dominic asked, patting Billy on the back, wearing a huge smile.   
  
“Not too much,” Billy chuckled, pulling away and playfully slapping Dominic’s arm. “Traffic was as slow as fuck, though…”  
  
“Well, everyone’s pretty laid back here.  None of the hustle and bustle of LA,” Dominic then turned to Elijah, his smile warm and inviting, yet different from the smile he had once worn for him.  Dominic’s smile used to light up his entire face when in Elijah’s presence.  Full of happiness and love.  Nowadays, Dominic’s smile held a hint of sadness, acknowledging that there had once been something there…something that was now long over, yet special enough to still hurt when face to face.  “Lighe.  What’s up?”  
  
So that’s how it was.  Billy got a warm hug in greeting and all he got was a what’s up.  Elijah forced a smile, swallowing down his hurt.  He deserved this.  He had destroyed what they had.  Had chosen Hollywood over Dominic, and now he had to deal with the consequences, which meant a friendship that wasn’t even on the same level as Billy’s.  It hurt, but that was the way it was.  “Just hanging out with Billy, here.  Thank you for getting us the invite, Dom.  I mean…you know how much I love the show…this is a fucking treat.”  
  
Dominic just smiled and shrugged, glancing down at his feet.  “Anything for my friends…”  
  
Billy just smiled, watching them.  Dominic may have said anything for his friends, but what he had really meant was anything for Elijah.  Despite the wall that Dominic had carefully erected between them, Billy knew that Dominic was still crazy for the blue-eyed  hobbit.  Elijah had hurt him, but there was always going to be a soft spot where Elijah was concerned.    
  
“Speaking of friends,” Billy cleared his throat, eyeing the pretty blond at Dominic’s side, who was just standing there, looking as if she was a fish out of water, poor thing.  Billy stretched a hand out, an easy grin curving his lips.  “I’m Billy Boyd, here.  Dominic’s best mate from the New Zealand days…you must be Emilie.”  
  
“I thought you guys should meet the person I’ve been working with the most here.  Emilie, this is Billy Boyd and Elijah Wood.  You probably remember them as Pippin and Frodo,” Dominic introduced.  
  
“Dom has told me a lot about you,” Emilie smiled, accepting Billy’s shake and smiling at both Billy and Elijah.  “It’s very nice to meet you both.”  
  
“Unfortunately, I’m going to have to film for a few hours, but all of my lines are with Jorge today, so Emilie is going to show you guys around until I’m finally finished.  I know it’s not what we planned, but I did promise a visit to the set and Emilie agreed since she only had one scene today and that’s finished now…,” Dominic babbled nervously.  He hated to disappoint Billy and Elijah, but he knew that Emilie would be a great guide until he was able to join them.  
  
“It’s ok, Dom.  We understand,” Billy nodded, glancing over at Elijah, not missing the flash of disappointment in his eyes that was gone as soon as it had appeared.    
  
“Yeah, sometimes these things can’t be helped.  We’ll be fine with Emilie,” Elijah reassured, pushing back the disappointment.  True, he had been looking forward to spending the day with Dominic and Billy.  Possibly even getting some alone time with Dominic to just…well…talk.  But that wasn’t going to happen obviously.  It wasn’t Emilie’s fault, but it was still a disappointment to him.    
  
“I’m sorry again about this,” Dominic turned to Emilie and smiled gratefully, placing a hand on her arm, giving Elijah a suspicion that maybe there was something more there than just friendship.  “Thank you.  I owe you one…”  
  
“Don’t worry about it, Dom.  I’ve been wanting to meet them anyway,” Emilie chuckled.  “You go before Jack has your head.”  
  
“Alright.  Don’t scare Emilie too much, mates,” Dominic laughed, giving them a wave.  “See you in a few hours.”  
  
Elijah watched Dominic leave, pushing back his disappointed feelings.  He was here on the set of one of his favorite new shows.  Not many Lost fans got this honor and he was going to enjoy it, whether Dominic was the one showing him around or not, but he couldn’t help but wish that it was him…that he would have a chance to talk to Dominic and learn about his new life here in Hawaii and just maybe find out if there was any room for an old friend…  
  
Three hours later…  
  
Emilie had been utterly charming and funny and cute as she had shown them around set.  Elijah couldn’t help but like her.  He definitely saw what Dominic saw in her and held  no ill feelings if something was going on between those two.  She was beautiful, funny, sweet, and thought the world of Dominic.  What more could one want from a girlfriend? They were entering the break area for the cast when Billy excused himself to use the restroom.  
  
“Too much coconut milk, I’m afraid,” Billy chuckled, heading in the direction that Emilie had pointed out.    
  
“Would you like something to drink, Elijah?  We have tea, coffee, and some pop…,” Emilie stammered after a few moments of awkward silence.  Without the buffer of Billy, neither knew what to say to each other really.  For all Elijah knew, this girl was Dominic’s new girlfriend.  He didn’t begrudge them their relationship, but it still made things awkward for him.    
  
“Um…no.   No, I’m good.  But I wouldn’t mind sitting down for a minute, if you don’t mind…”  
  
“Not at all,” Emilie smiled, leading him over to a table that sat five places.  “How are you enjoying Hawaii so far?”  
  
“Oh, it’s great. I’ve been here a number of times myself and it just keeps getting more and more beautiful,” Elijah smiled, taking a seat.  “So…how do you like acting on Lost?  Are you surprised that it’s doing so well?”  
  
“Kind of.  I guess you know how grueling this career can be when trying to find work and keeping it.  So we’re all pretty much overjoyed that the show has taken off like it has,” Emilie also sat down and leaned back in her chair, her Aussie accent causing Elijah to feel more relaxed.  She almost sounded like she was from New Zealand.  
  
“I’m glad.  Dom has been looking for so long…he was about to give up hope…”  
  
“I think we’ve all been there as actors.”   
  
“Charlie is so different from the hobbit role…and he’s pulling it off.  I don’t even see Merry…granted he had to wear a fatsuit during our filming in New Zealand, but still…he’s doing good work here.  I just love the show, can’t wait to find out what the hatch is.”  
  
“Neither can the rest of us,” Emilie laughed.  "They even guard that information from us actors.  It’s ridiculous.”  
  
Elijah chuckled, realizing that he really did like Emilie.  If someone had told him that he’d find himself actually enjoying the company of the girlfriend of the man that had been the love of his life, he wouldn’t have believed them.  But how could one not like Emilie…not love her on some level?   He saw what Dominic saw in her and found himself wishing him the best.  He might have lost Dominic, but he could live with that if it meant meeting and hanging out with someone as sweet as the Aussie  sitting across from him.    
  
“So how long have you and Dominic…,” Elijah began, but was interrupted by Dominic, who was entering with a brunette that Elijah recognized as Kate.    
  
“Hey guys!  We’re finally finished,” Dominic greeted, taking “Kate’s” hand and pulling her over to where Emilie and Elijah sat.  Dominic looked around with a frown.  “Where’s Bill’s?”  
  
“The little hobbits’  room.  He’ll be back,” Elijah smiled, eyeing the  brunette curiously.  For some reason, her actual name was escaping him, but he did know that he didn’t like her character.  Kate was…well…Elijah thought she was pretty useless.  All she did was stalk after Jack, get in the way, and flirt with Sawyer.    
  
“Oh…I was hoping he’d be here to meet Evi,” Dominic frowned, his disappointment and something else that looked like nervousness darkening his usually bright features.    
  
Evangeline Lilly.  That was the name.  Why was she here with Dominic?  It’s not like they had many scenes together.  He didn’t work with her as closely as he did with Emilie and the way she was looking at Dominic…Elijah didn’t like it.  He glanced at Emilie, wondering if she noticed.    “He’ll be back soon…this is Kate, right?”  
  
  
“Um, yeah,” Dominic’s smile…it was a smile that he had once worn only when talking to him.  The smile of  a man in the presence of the one he loved.  Elijah’s heart sank as Dominic wrapped an arm around Evangeline’s waist and then looked at him, his eyes imploring Elijah to understand, to accept Evangeline’s place in is life.  To be happy for him.  “Yeah.  This is Evangeline Lilly.  My girlfriend.”  
  
Elijah blinked, pushing back the disapproval that rose up in his chest.  If it had been Emilie.  Sweet, pretty, Emily, whose accent reminded him of happier times.  Who had charmed him out of his shell and had gotten Elijah to the point where he was ready to let go, he would have had an easier time of letting Dominic go.  Of accepting this new presence in Dominic’s life.  He liked Emilie.  He respected her.  He had wanted her to be the new member in their circle of friends.  Not this…woman that almost looked smug as she gazed at Dominic…who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag for the female lead, in his opinion.    
  
  
Elijah didn’t like her…but he wasn’t about tell Dominic that.  He had lost all claims of telling Dominic what to do when it came to his romantic relationships.  He had given them up to play the Hollywood game, and now Dominic was in a relationship that Elijah just couldn’t see lasting…but  again, that  was an opinion that he was going to keep to himself.  However long Evangeline stayed in Dominic’s life, Elijah would just have to deal with it and hope that it wouldn't be too long, or the ending too painful…  
  
Too bad that it couldn’t be Emilie, though.  She would have been the much better choice…_  
  
 _ **P** **resent Day…**_  
  
“Elijah?  Elijah Wood?”   
  
Elijah was so lost in the memory, that he hadn’t noticed Emilie catching sight of him and heading in his direction, until she was upon him, speaking his name.  He blinked out of the memory and tried to smile as warmly as he could, struggling with the tears that the memory had brought.    
  
“Emilie de  Ravin.  Hey, fancy seeing you here.  Fucking awesome, huh?”    
  
Emilie’s smile was warm, yet sad.  Once in a while her thoughts went to her former, now deceased co-star and she felt a pang, not only for him, but for Elijah as well.  She hadn’t been a part of their inner circle, not like Evangeline had been, but every time she had met up with Elijah, she found him to be one of the sweetest, gentlest souls in this crazy business and he had been good for Dominic.  He had loved him more than Lilly had ever been capable of and Dominic had loved him back.  She had been honored to have been invited to see them wed, and heartbroken at the news of Dominic’s tragic death.  He had been taken from them far too soon and she at times wondered how Elijah was holding up.  Not too good by the looks of the thin, pale man with the circles under his eyes.    
  
“It has been a while.  I haven’t seen you since….”  
  
“The funeral,” Elijah winced, not liking to even think about that horrible day.  The day he had been forced to say good-bye to his Dommie for good.  
  
Emilie bowed her head, also sobered by the memory.  “It has been a lovely service…he would…he would have liked it.”  
  
“Yeah…even though that bitch had the nerve to show her face,” Elijah huffed, remembering the outrage that he had  felt that Lilly and her partner had the gall to show up at Dominic’s funeral.  Thinking that they had the right to attend and sit amongst the people that loved Dominic the most.  It took both Viggo and Billy to keep Elijah from kicking them both out on their asses.    
  
Emilie winced at the mention of Evangeline.  “I don’t know why she bothered…they weren’t even friends after it had ended…she was just…”  
  
“Yeah,” Elijah sighed, finishing the sentence.    
  
“I guess I better get in and do this shopping.  It was good seeing you again, Elijah.”  
  
“It was good seeing you too, Emilie.  Take care, ok?”  
  
The blonde just nodded with a sad smile and headed inside the store.  Elijah watched her go with a sad heart.  He hated that her appearance brought back such an unpleasant memory.  The day he had met Evangeline Lilly.  Dominic’s attempt to move on from him.  It would have been successful too if Lilly hadn’t fucked up.   Not that Elijah regretted that.  He was fucking happy about it because it had given Elijah a second, more successful shot with Dominic.  He just hated that it had hurt Dominic so much.  Had caused him so much pain.  The hurt and heartache in those blue eyes….it had made Elijah want to smash something.  To hurt the woman for hurting the man that he loved.  She had  something special in Dominic and had been too fucking stupid to appreciate it.  But that was ok.  Her loss.  It was just too bad that their second chance had come to such a premature end.  It just wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair that the five years Dominic had been  with that bitch, he could have been with Elijah instead.  It was time wasted.  Time that Elijah would never be able to get back, and he hated himself  and Evangeline Lilly for it.


	20. 20

Chapter 20

 

_**Dear Dominic,** _

 

_**Yesterday I ran into Emilie** _ __ _**and let me tell you, seeing her has** _ __ _**brought up some memories. Not very happy memories at that. Mainly it brought back that time when Billy and I went to visit you in Hawaii. The day I met…her. No, not Emilie. Meeting her was a pleasure. I remember thinking that she was your new girlfriend and accepting it. How could I not? She had charmed me from the moment I had met her.** _

 

_**No, it was the day I met the woman that you decided was good enough for you, but instead turned out to be the worst thing that had** _ __ _**happened to you for as long as I knew you. I have to admit, I hated her on sight…but I was civil, for your sake. I could tell that you** _ __ _**really loved her. Not on the same level as you had loved me before our breakup, but she had been important to you…important enough to build a life with in Hawaii and to plan for in the years after your return from Hawaii. My heart broke for you in those months after the breakup** _ __ _**…but I have a confession,** _ __ _**Dominic. I’m was fucking happy when she showed her true colors. Sure, I was sad for you. You had** _ __ _**been in so much pain because of her…but I was glad that she was out of your life…and even then I had hopes that I could get you back. The breakup** _ __ _**spurred me to make changes in my life…changes that I knew had to happen if I was ever to get you back once your heart had healed.** _

 

_**I broke it off with Pam.** _

 

_**I told my agent and suits that I was coming out of the closet and that there would be no more bearding.** _

 

_**Then I made it my business to be a big presence in your life. To be one of your closest friends. I wanted to be there when you healed. I wanted you to look at me with those beautiful eyes and know that it wasn’t with her that you belonged with anyway. It was with me and that we could start over and start anew. Put our failed romance in the past and start something stronger and better. Something that couldn’t be so easily destroyed…not like it had been after New Zealand…** _

 

Elijah dropped the pen, his eyes reading over his words again and again. He had no idea really what he was trying to say or why his mind was going back to that time after the big breakup that led Elijah and Dominic back to each other. He’d never forget the day that they had decided to give their romantic feelings towards one another a second chance. Dominic had been so…reluctant at first…but finally Elijah had gotten through to him…it had been one of the most intense evenings of his life…

 

_**Janurary 2009** _

 

_Elijah frowned as he felt the eyes on him as he left the gym. A sensation that he had_ _rarely felt since Rings had been over for…well years now and he had mostly been concentrating on his record label and indie films when he did act. But the sensation of being watched was there now, intense and invasive. He looked up and scanned the area, his frown deepening when he caught sight of the paparazzi, halfway hidden by a telephone pole. He sighed, feeling annoyed. They’d_ _been back to following him ever since his break up with Pam and his coming out of the closet, which much to his surprise hadn’t really come_ _as much of a shock to anyone._

 

“ _Am I that obvious?” Elijah had_ _once questioned his DJ friend Jason, who had just nodded and laughed._

 

“ _You fooled no one, Elwood,” was the amused answer._

 

_At Jason’s answer, Elijah wondered what the point of it all had been then. If Jason was right, and the world had_ _thought he was gay anyway, what had been_ _the purpose of the pain that he had put himself through for the past several years. Losing Dominic, watching him move on, watching Dominic’s own heartbreak and trying to be there for his former lover, despite how much it hurt to be so close yet so far away from the man he loved. He had given Dominic up needlessly it seemed and it just made him…incredibly sad. He should never have given the suits what they had wanted with Franka. He should have stood up for himself and for Dominic and refused to play their game of stay in the closet. So much pain would have been avoided then._

 

_He wished that there was something he could do to make it up to Dominic. After all, if he had never started bearding, most likely they wouldn’t have broken up, which meant that Dominic would never have looked twice at Lilly and wouldn’t have suffered a broken heart yet again. There had to be something he could do to tell Dominic how sorry he was. The pain he was going through when they had broken up…it was as much his fault as it was Evangeline’s. He had been too fucking scared to do the right thing and now it was Dominic who was paying for it…_

 

_Not to mention, Elijah still wanted Dominic back. He had never gotten over their romance, no matter how clear it was that Dominic had moved on and only wanted friendship. Maybe now was the time to make that move. Push all the pain that bitch had caused Dominic aside and rebuild what he had let be all but destroyed._

 

_Sliding behind the wheel of his Audi, ignoring the still flashing camera, Elijah flipped open the phone and dialed Dominic’s cell, a plan building in his head. He wasn’t sure of the outcome, but whatever it was, it couldn’t be bad. Friendship or romance. He’d_ _take whatever one Dominic wanted to give._

 

“ _Hello?” Dominic picked up, sounding a bit more on the cheery side, yet preoccupied._

 

“ _Hey, Dom. It’s Elijah,” Elijah forced out, almost losing the courage that it had taken to dial Dominic’s number, near losing the courage to ask what he was about to ask._

 

“ _Hey,_ _Lij. What’s up?” Dominic asked, his voice clearing of all distraction, giving Elijah his full attention, much to Elijah’s relief. Dominic never sounded angry or impatient with him, even when they had broken up, Dominic had never given_ _the impression that Elijah was the last person that he wanted to talk to. It was a vast difference when compared to the breakup_ _with Lilly. Dominic seemed to despise the bitch now, and it was awful of Elijah, but he couldn’t help but be happy about that. He wanted that woman cleansed from all of their lives completely._

 

“ _Hey! I was wondering…well I’m not doing much of anything Friday but hanging out at my house and I was thinking…well…it’s been a while since we hung_ _out and watched some movies and munched away on some pizza and beer. If you’re not too busy…well…would you like to come over and do just that?”_

 

_Silence. Not uncomfortable, but there was a hesitance. Dominic was probably remembering just how long ago it had been since they had just hung out at each other’s place as just friends. They were still good friends now, despite everything…but there had always been a third party with them. Jason, Billy, Ryan, and even Pam. But it had never just been the two of them._

 

“ _Just the two of us?” Dominic asked, still sounding hesitant to accept, probably thinking the same thing that_ _Elijah had just thought._

 

“ _Yeah. Just the two of us. We’ll even go to the rental store together and pick out the movies and if you like I can make one of my own pizzas or we can order delivery…anything you want.”_

 

_Elijah held his breath as he waited for the answer. He didn’t think Dominic would say no. As far as he knew, all hurt feelings after their breakup had ended and they were friends. There was nothing wrong with spending time together…alone._

 

“ _Sure. Why not?” Dominic’s voice still held a shade of hesitance, but he had said yes, which was the answer that Elijah had wanted. Fucking awesome!_

 

“ _Fucking awesome! My place at seven. Then we can go to the video store from there!”_

 

“ _Sounds like a plan, mate. See you then,” Dominic answered._

 

_Elijah frowned as he hung up with Dominic. True, he had gotten the yes that he had_ _wanted. That wasn’t what troubled him. It was Dominic’s hesitance and the fact that he had_ _called him mate. As if he was emphasizing that this get together was friends only. It was like the last thing he wanted was to continue any romance with Elijah. What if that was what Dominic felt? What if he didn’t want to pick up with their romance again? What if he was happy with just being friends? Well, if that was the case...it'd hurt, but he'd accept it and at least try to move on with his life._

 

_But first he had to try. He had to at least present the option to Dominic and not assume to know what the other man wanted. They’d_ _have a nice evening Friday. Afterward, Elijah would_ _present his case…and if Dominic shot him down, he’d_ _live with it. But he wanted to make sure that there was no chance. Only then could Elijah truly move on…_

 

_~*~_

 

_Friday arrived and Elijah was nervous. It was silly, because he had known Dominic forever. They had been friends a lot longer than they had ever been lovers! So why the nerves? It wasn’t like they had never hung out together before. It wasn’t like they weren’t friends! That was the best thing about himself and Dominic. They hadn’t let their breakup_ _ruin the friendship that they had._

 

_The chime of the doorbell brought Elijah out of his thoughts, but did nothing to reduce the butterflies fluttering away in his stomach. Ignoring his churning stomach, Elijah walked over and opened the door to Dominic, who stood there with his hands in his pockets, waiting patiently, much to Elijah’s surprise. Usually one couldn’t hold Dominic still. He was always on the move, pacing, exercising, martial arts…things that Elijah had expected. But not tonight. Instead Dominic was as still as a millpond._

 

“ _Hey,” Elijah grinned happily. He had high hopes for tonight. Hopefully, tonight would_ _be the first step towards the rest of his life. How could it not be when no one else had been able to hold a candle to Dominic. No matter how hard he had_ _tried to move on, he couldn‘t. He had always found himself comparing whoever he had been_ _attempting to_ _date to Dominic. They hadn't been_ _quirky enough, cute enough, funny enough, British enough…no one could hold a candle to Dominic in his eyes. So there was only one thing that he could do if he was going to date again, and now that Dominic was free, why not try to rekindle things? He just hoped that Dominic agreed_ _with his line of reasoning._

 

“ _Hey. I’m a bit early…,” Dominic smiled apologetically, unaware of Elijah’s romantic intentions._

 

“ _Oh, that’s alright. No problem. Do you want to start for the video store now, or come in for a minute or two?”_

 

_Dominic just shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”_

 

_Elijah smiled. Dominic was always doing that. Wanting Elijah to be comfortable. Not that he could ever be uncomfortable around Dominic…at least not anymore. The first year after the breakup…things had been awkward. But that had passed. Then when she had come_ _into their lives…it was like Dominic had been_ _making sure that she and Elijah were rarely in the same place together. Of course that_ _meant that he had seen Dominic less and less during that time, but once she was_ _gone, things had_ _returned to normal. Elijah was_ _back in Dominic’s life. They had been the best of friends. They still were…but now Elijah wanted more. He wanted New Zealand…or rather the status he had_ _in Dominic’s life when they had been in New Zealand all those years ago…_

 

“ _I’m ok if you want to go to the video store now,” Elijah reassured. “Just let me get my car keys and wallet and we’ll be on our way…”_

 

_~*~_

 

 

_One hour later, Dominic and Elijah stumbled into Elijah’s apartment laughing and talking with their arms full of bags. Elijah’s with the video’s they had_ _rented and snacks and Dominic's_ _with the Chinese they had_ _decided to order instead of making Elijah cook._

 

“ _How many times has this been that you’ve watched The Fountain? You have it at home, man.” Elijah giggled, dumping the DVD’s and snacks onto his living room table._

 

“ _I know, I know. But I love it. Besides, if I have to sit_ _through the bad attempt of translating the Time Traveler’s Wife into a movie, you have to watch The Fountain,” Dominic grinned. “Really, Lij. We could just sit here and read the book instead.”_

 

“ _But I love Rachel McAdams!” Elijah blushed. “And I love the story. It can’t be that bad.”_

 

“ _I love the story,_ _too. In book form,” Dominic chuckled, collapsing onto the couch and beginning to remove the food they had ordered from the bag. “Look at all of this food. They always give us enough to feed a fucking family. Not that I’m complaining..”_

 

_Elijah giggled again. “I’ll go get our beers. I got your favorite…”_

 

_Dominic looked at Elijah, smiling in surprise. “You didn’t have to. I don’t want you to put yourself out…”_

 

“ _Hey, it was no problem. I want you to enjoy tonight and that means nothing but the best. Besides, I like the brand too, so I’m not being completely selfless here.”_

 

_Elijah smiled and stepped into the kitchen to retrieve the beers and some plates and utensils, leaving Dominic to start the DVDs. Elijah was surprised to come out to find that The Time Traveler’s Wife was the first DVD in._

 

“ _What?” Dominic grinned at Elijah’s stunned expression._

 

“ _The Time Traveler’s Wife…I thought for sure that it’d be The Fountain…”_

 

_Dominic shrugged, a small smile playing across his lips. “I’ve seen The Fountain a thousand times. No harm in watching this first.”_

 

_Elijah giggled as he flopped down next to Dominic and handed him an_ _ice cold beer. Two hours later, the ending credits were rolling and both boys felt like they were going to slip into a food coma from all of the beer and food that they had consumed._

 

_Elijah belched and shifted in his seat and looked over at Dominic, who was just leaning against the backrest of the couch, his eyes half opened as his mouth hung_ _open as well. He looked rather cute at that moment, in Elijah’s opinion._

 

“ _Ugh…don’t think that I can move…,” Dominic groaned, petting his flat belly that felt like it was about to burst._

 

“ _Oh I’m sure that you can move just fine,” Elijah chuckled. “It’s me that has the motion problem. I’m afraid that my legs have turned into lead…”_

 

“ _Oh…that is a serious problem,” Dominic leaned over so that he was looking fully at Elijah, his blue eyes laughing._

 

“ _Mmm…what a match we make,” Elijah sighed, reaching up to touch Dominic’s face. He sighed again. He had a man of his dreams and Dominic was it. No one else. He loved him._

 

“ _We were definitely a match,” Dominic smiled, a tinge of sadness in his voice. There was something in his eyes that Elijah recognized, because it resided in his own eyes as well. Regret. Longing. Love…_

 

“ _Dom,” Elijah sighed. He couldn’t wait any longer. They were so close and Elijah’s emotions were exposed at that moment, no way to hide them. Dominic should be able to read him as easily as he was reading Dominic’s_ _at that moment. What he saw told him that his feelings weren’t necessarily unrequited. Maybe there was a chance for them after all. Someone was just going to have to make the first move. It was going to have to be Elijah…he was just going to have to bite the bullet and just say how he felt and let the cards fall where they may._

 

_Looking into Dominic’s eyes, any doubts Elijah had faded away. The time was now…_

 

“ _I…I love you…”_

 

_Time stood still. Silence fell over the room as Elijah studied Dominic’s features, trying to read his reaction. He had hoped for something. An_ _I love you too, mate. Or Dominic asking if he had lost his mind. But there was nothing. Dominic’s expression was impossible to read as he sat back in his place and avoided meeting Elijah’s eyes._

 

_The silence lasted for sixty seconds. When Dominic finally did respond, his voice was_ _restrained and hesitant._

 

“ _You…you said that you loved me.”_

 

_Elijah felt his face heat with a blush. He couldn’t tell what Dominic’s reaction was. He felt so…closed off. There was a part of Elijah that was scared to find out. But he had to know…_

 

“ _Yeah. I…I’m in love with you, Dom.”_

 

_Dominic looked at him with wide, almost disbelieving eyes. “You’re fucking with me. Some attempt to take the piss. But it’s not funny…”_

 

_Taking the piss? What? Dominic was thinking that was some fucking joke? No, no, no. He was so wrong! So fucking wrong! He grabbed Dominic’s hand, keeping him from getting up and bolting. He had to get through to Dominic! Make him see that this was not a joke! Elijah really did want him back!_

 

“ _Dom, I’m serious here! I’m not taking the piss, I promise you! I love you! I…I want to be with you!”_

 

_Dominic blinked a few times, processing Elijah’s words, his usually expressive face revealing no emotions at all. “I …I don’t know what to say. It’s…it’s been a long time, Elijah. A lot has happened…in both of our lives…”_

 

“ _I know. Believe me, I know, but I’ve never stopped loving you,_ _Dom!”_

 

_More silence, before Dominic spoke again. He almost didn’t believe Elijah’s words. Elijah didn’t blame him if he didn’t! He had fucked up so bad. If he never got Dominic back, it’d be what he deserved!_

 

“ _I…I don’t know what to say to this…,” Dominic finally spoke._

 

“ _Do you…do you still love me?” Elijah chewed on his bottom lip, afraid of the answer._

 

“ _It’s not that simple…,” Dominic stammered._

 

“ _Yes,_ _it is. Are you still in love with me, Dom?”_

 

_Dominic closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t explain why he felt so fucking mixed up on the inside. He did still love Elijah…he had never stopped. But the whole thing with Franka and the bearding…it had hurt. Hurt more than Evangeline’s betrayal. One time, Dominic had wanted to hate him…to purge him from his life the way he had done with Evangeline. But he couldn’t. There was something that kept drawing him to Elijah. Something refused to allow him to let the younger actor go. So he had settled for friendship. He had come to terms with the fact that Elijah would never be his…not fully and he had been ok with it. But now here Elijah was, saying that he wanted another chance. He wanted their romance back. Once upon a time, before Evangeline…he would have jumped at the chance to be with Elijah…but now…he wasn’t so sure. So much has happened...maybe too much._

 

“ _I am…but…how do I know that you’re serious about this,_ _Elijah? I barely survived losing you once...I can’t do it again…”_

 

_Elijah’s heart dropped at Dominic’s answer. If he was being honest with himself, he really wasn’t surprised at Dominic's hesitance. Their breakup_ _had not been painless. It had been a relief that they had managed to retain a friendship. Now here Elijah was wanting another chance. Dominic had every right to be weary. Elijah just hoped that he could convince him to give them another chance._

 

“ _Look, I don’t blame you for hesitating. After all you’ve been through with…her…and not to mention our own history, I understand completely. I know that our breakup_ _was my own stupid fault. I had_ _put the opinion of strangers above our own feelings. I was a fucking coward and did not deserve you. I probably still don’t.”_

 

“ _Lijah…”_

 

“ _But I’ve changed,_ _Dominic! I swear I have! You were right all along! Living a lie was killing me! I couldn’t do it anymore, which was why I came out and broke it off with Pam! I didn’t like the man I saw in the mirror so I changed! I don’t give a shit about what the suits or anyone else says! I’m me and if they don’t like it, they can fuck off! They don’t own me and they can’t tell me what to do or who to love! It was what you have_ _been saying all along and I was too stupid to listen until now! Worst_ _of all, it had_ _cost me the man I love…but now…now I can be that man that you’ve always wanted me to be,_ _Dom! The man you fell in love with in the first place! No more hiding…no more denying my feelings for you. I love you. I really,_ _really love you and…if you can just find it in your heart to forgive me and give me another chance…I’ll make sure that you don’t regret it…please,_ _Dom…”_

 

_Dominic wanted to agree. Elijah could tell, just by the small spark of hope he saw in Dominic’s eyes…but he could also see that there was something holding him back. What was it? Evangeline? Some other person that he may have fallen in love with?_

 

“ _Elijah…I…I do love you. I probably never stopped. I mean…what we had in New Zealand and for that short time here in LA…it was….magical. But we’re not those same people anymore…we’ve grown up…,” Dominic began, trying to sort through his own thoughts and feelings, yet not keeping_ _Elijah waiting. What did he want? Did he want Elijah back? It’s been_ _almost two years since the breakup with Evangeline. He had loved her. Not like he loved Elijah, but it had been real and deep and he had thought that she was going to be the one to settle with and have a family. He had thought that finally he could put his feelings for Elijah behind him and be happy again. But that had been before he had found out about that pillock she had taken_ _up with while he had been_ _in LA and she was_ _in Hawaii. The hurt from that…he had thought it’d never end. For a while, he had_ _even thought that there was something wrong with him. First Elijah, and now Evangeline…nothing seemed to work out for him. Now here Elijah was, wanting what they had back. Dominic couldn’t honestly say that he did. The Dominic he had been during that time with Elijah had been naive, innocent, and optimistic. Today’s Dominic was more of a cynic. Especially now. He was no longer as willing to trust or to throw himself head first into another relationship…even if it was a relationship with the man he had always loved._

 

“ _I know we have, Dom. Just look at me for example. I’m out of the closet, living my life as an_ _out gay man saying ‘fuck you,_ _Hollywood!’ for once. In those first days after New Zealand…I was very reluctant to do that. Like I said, I was a fucking coward. But not anymore,_ _Dom! I’ve put my foot down! I’m no longer living a lie and I want to give us another try. We were brilliant together, Dom! You know we were! If I hadn’t been so stupid…we would still be together…”_

 

“ _You don’t know that,” Dominic stared at his empty beer bottle, beginning to peel the label off of the dark glass. “You don’t know if we’d still be a couple or if something else would have come_ _between us…”_

 

_Elijah sighed, feeling tired and strained. He didn’t know what he had expected. Dominic to fall into his arms once his first speech was finished? He didn’t fucking think so…but the reluctance he saw in Dominic’s eyes…the hesitation…it hurt. He knew that he deserved it, but it hurt. Why didn’t he want to give them a chance? “Dom…I know. I have to earn back your trust…I know that we have_ _lost something that needs to be rebuilt…and it may not work…but I think it’s worth a try. Don’t you? Just try…?”_

 

“ _And what of our friendship, huh? I don’t want to lose that,_ _Lijah,” Dominic looked up from the bottle, his eyes dark with anxiety. “Things can go real bad and unlike last time…we may not be able to save our friendship…I don’t want to lose that…”_

 

“ _We won’t…”_

 

“ _You don’t know that. You can’t even promise that, Lij. It took a good long time to come to terms with the fact_ _that the only way I was going to have you was as a friend. It took a while, but come to terms with it I did. Going any further…it’s needlessly opening up a can of worms! It could ruin everything…”_

 

“ _Or it can make everything better,” Elijah took Dominic’s hand once again, pulling it away from the beer bottle. “I think it is worth a try. I know why you’re so jaded right now. I understand it, but Dominic, please. Don’t turn away from this. Not when our feelings are still there…”_

 

“ _I’m sorry…I…I’m not so sure that I agree.”_

 

“ _What?”_

 

“ _I don’t want to lose our friendship,_ _Elijah. It’s been one of the things that got me over_ _Evangeline…the one thing I could count on. Taking up a love affair…it can destroy all of that…”_

 

“ _Or it can make it better,” Elijah sighed, looking up at Dominic imploringly, begging him to see things his way. All he wanted was a chance. A chance to show_

_Dominic that they could still be good together. “Just give me a chance, baby. One chance. I promise, I won’t be an ass this time. This time I’ll stand up for you and for us…just let me prove myself…”_

 

_Dominic sighed, feeling himself about to cave. He was holding on by a thread. He wanted to give Elijah that chance…so fucking badly…but there was still that tiny part of him that couldn’t let go of the past. That wasn’t sure if Elijah was strong enough. That he loved him enough. He didn’t know how to get past that part of his psyche._

 

_Elijah watched the emotions play across Dominic’s face. He watched as Dominic struggled with himself, wanting to give in, yet still reluctant to do so, unable to trust himself or Elijah. It broke his heart to see the indecision on display inside the man he loved. He had said all that there was to say. He had tried to be as convincing as possible. But his words obviously weren’t enough…maybe…maybe actions were…_

 

_Not giving himself time to think about it, not wanting to chicken out, Elijah did the one thing he could do to convince Dominic of his feelings. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Dominic’s in a deep, lingering kiss. At first Dominic didn’t respond. He just gasped and grew real still. It was the brush of Elijah’s tongue that brought him to life. He kissed Elijah back and opened his mouth, admitting Elijah’s tongue entrance._

 

_Elijah couldn’t say how long they stayed in that position. Elijah kept his lips against Dominic’s as he explored the achingly familiar territory of Dominic’s mouth with his tongue. It had been so long and kissing Dominic like this…it felt like coming home at last! He just hoped that this was it. That this kiss…it conveyed the truth and sincerity of Elijah’s words. That there was nothing to be afraid of. That the risk of loving Elijah and being with him was worth it…_

 

_Finally, they had to part for air. They sat there, staring into each other’s eyes, panting heavily. Neither knew what to say, but someone had to say something._

 

“ _I love you,_ _Dommie. I don’t know what else I can do to convince you, but there it is. My heart and soul on a platter just for you. I love you. I simply love you,” Elijah swallowed._

 

“ _I love you,_ _too…I’m just…scared…”_

 

_Elijah felt his heart constrict. He gently touched Dominic’s face, staring into those beautiful eyes that he loved so much. “There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s just me…”_

 

“ _That’s just it. It’s you. I’ve loved you for so long,_ _Lijah. When we broke up…it broke my heart. I loved Evangeline and she betrayed me with that arsehole…but if I start up with you again…and if you break my heart again…I won’t be able to survive it…I know I won’t because I never loved anyone the way I love you. With her…I held back. But I never held back with you. I can’t. With you it’s my body and soul and…I have to be careful…”_

 

_Elijah used his free hand to wipe the tears from his eyes, Dominic’s words touching him. He knew that Dominic loved him still, he just hadn't known_ _how deeply and he hated himself for having been_ _so careless with Dominic’s heart the first time around. He promised himself and Dominic that this time, he was going to be a lot more careful. He was going to treat Dominic’s love for the precious thing it was…_

 

“ _Dom…I know that I was careless in the past. I…I didn’t know what a gift you had given me back then. But believe me that now I do. I’m very much aware and I promise you…I’ll guard your heart with my life. I’ll be so very gentle with it. I won’t mishandle it again. Fuck, never ever again…just please…please…be mine again….”_

 

_Dominic felt the last wall he had built around his heart crumble at Elijah’s words. Looking into those blue eyes, he was convinced. Elijah was for real. He was never going to hurt him again. Loving him…it was worth the risk. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. “I…I want to take it slow, ok? I don’t want…I don’t want it to be like last time. I…we need to take our time…rebuild…”_

 

_Elijah’s grin was enough to light up the whole city of Los Angeles as the meaning of Dominic’s words hit him. That second chance he had_ _wanted, he was fucking getting it! Dominic had agreed_ _to try again with him! Giggling, he eagerly nodded._

 

“ _Of course. We’ll…we’ll court each other. I don’t think we have_ _ever done that in New Zealand…we’ll date and get to know each other again and…”_ _he grabbed Dominic’s other hand with his free hand and gave it a promising squeeze. “I won’t disappoint you again, Dom. I won’t. I promise. I know it won’t be perfect, but I won’t let anything come between us again!”_

 

_Dominic just smiled and leaned in and gave Elijah a chaste, yet affectionate kiss. He pulled away with smiling blue eyes that said that he believed Elijah. This time, they were going to be forever. Nothing on Earth was going to come between them! Elijah swore on that!_

 

_**Present Day…** _

 

But something had come between them. Something that Elijah couldn’t fight and neither could Dominic, no matter how hard they had tried. Death. The ultimate dealbreaker.

 

Finished with the letter, he folded it with shaking fingers and slid it into the box with the rest of the letters that Dominic would never read. Sniffing, Elijah got up and went out onto the patio, one of Dominic’s favorite places in the house and looked towards the sunset…one of Dominic’s favorite sights. He used to always come out and watch the sun’s descent. Now it was something he’d never see again…

 

“I’m sorry, Dom. I’m sorry. I tried to keep my promise…I did. I didn’t mean to lose you again…I never meant…”

 

The tears came unbidden, hot and fast. It felt like he would never stop crying, not as long as Dominic was gone from his life. There was a good chance that Elijah Wood would never smile again. His only reason had left this world, never to return.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present Time=a date in the future

_Dear Dominic,_

 

_Another state has_ _legalized gay marriage! Can you believe it? Just a few more states and this country will join the 21st_ _century! I can’t help but think back when New York finally legalized gay marriage! Of course, how could I? That was the time you had_ _proposed! I still remember that day, as if it was yesterday. We had come through so much and our love was back and stronger than ever before! Nothing could have_ _come between us back then…the sky was the limit and both of us thought that we were immortal, I think. At least it_ _felt that way…if only…_

 

 

Elijah rubbed at his eyes as he set the pen down once again. He had been sitting down to his morning coffee, and was glancing at the morning paper when he had read the article. He couldn’t help but think of the celebrations that were going to be sweeping the country because of the new legislation. So many happy people, now free to marry the ones they loved. He bet a lot of proposals were happening right at this moment!

 

He smiled, remembering back when New York had legalized gay marriage. He and Dominic had been part of the big celebration that night. They had met with some friends and had partied the night away, happy that their fellow gays were allowed to wed at last! It was the next morning that Elijah had come down, finding a thoughtful Dominic at the kitchen table, staring at the article, rereading it once again.

 

_June 25, 2011_

 

_Elijah entered the kitchen in a rather good mood. The news of the day before was enough to make him float into the kitchen for his morning coffee. Gay marriage was legal in New York. How fucking awesome was that? He could only hope that California got its_ _act back together, as well as other states. His smile widened when he caught sight of Dominic, who looked to be busy glancing over the newspaper. They had_ _been back together for two years now, and they had_ _been living together for a good five months and already things felt like they used to, back in New Zealand…no…things were better. They weren’t two naive kids anymore. They had their eyes wide open from experience and now it felt like they were on even stronger footing!_

 

“Good morning,” Elijah greeted Dom and walked up to him, bending _down to plant an affectionate kiss on his cheek. “Have you eaten yet?”_

 

_Dominic glanced up from the article and smiled at his lover. “No. Not really unless you count coffee. Made a fresh pot.”_

 

“ _Sounds good, but you need solids, Dommie. I’ll make you some scrambled eggs and toast to go with that coffee, huh?”_

“ _Fucking awesome,” Dominic winked before returning to the article. “I guess it’s a good day in New York.”_

 

“ _It is! I still can’t believe it actually happened and California is still mulling over that fucking prop 8 mess. At this rate, we’re going to be the last state to have legalized gay marriage.”_

 

“ _It’ll happen someday, love. They can’t keep us gays down for long.”_

 

“I know,” Elijah sighed, pulling out a frying pan from _one of the shelves overhead. Going to the refrigerator, he took_ _out two eggs and returned to the stove. “It’s just frustrating, you know? It wasn’t that long ago when the lot of us were celebrating its_ _legalization here, just to have it snatched out from under us by some bigoted voters.”_

 

_Dominic sighed at the memory. When he had heard that gay marriage had been_ _legalized in California, he couldn’t help but think about Elijah. What if they had still been together? Would they have been at city hall ready to take vows? Would they have been amongst the devastated many when the voters had taken_ _it back? He remembered Elijah’s happiness on Election night. Happy that Obama had_ _won and Bush was gone, but all of it shattering to devastation as the votes came back against them. He had joined Elijah in getting drunk that night._

 

“ _It’ll be legal again, here. You’ll see…,” Dominic sighed at Elijah’s turned back._

 

_Elijah turned back to him, his smile tight. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt so_ _moody. “I know…it’s just…” Elijah’s shoulders slumped. “When it was legal…well…there was hope. Hope that I could finally have what straights did and not have to go to another country or state to get it. To have it snatched away by people that don’t even know me…it’s fucking insane.”_

 

“ _Well, yeah. But things are changing. Slowly, but surely…”_

 

“ _Not fast enough though,” Elijah grumbled, pouring grease into the pan before breaking the eggs and dropping the contents into the boiling liquid._

 

“But they are. One state at a time,” Dominic closed the newspaper _. He kept his eyes on Elijah, who was now facing the stove, preparing breakfast. The sight of his boyfriend doing something as domestic as cooking breakfast made him warm and tingly all over. He loved the life that they were now sharing together. They did everything together. Cooking_ _breakfast, going to the gym, trying new restaurants, and at night endless cuddling, starting on the couch and moving to the bedroom. At times, it felt like they were a married couple, proposition 8 be damned!_

 

_Not that marriage meant much to Dominic. To him, it was just a piece of paper. What mattered to him were_ _the feelings and the intent and the emotions. You could_ _have all of that without the wedding ceremony. But he knew that it was important to Elijah. Elijah never said much, but he loved weddings. He loved the ceremony, the vows, the reception afterward and the tradition of cutting the cake and throwing the bouquet. Most of all, Elijah wanted to stand in front of the people that they loved and that_ _loved them and vow forever to the man he loved, just like any straight couple in California had the right to do._

_It wasn’t right that he couldn’t have that…that some homophobic fuckers thought that it’d destroy their marriages if people like himself and Elijah had the right to marry._

 

_Dominic wanted to do something about it. But was he ready to take the necessary steps to appease the part of his boyfriend that wanted the wedding bells and vows? It was a big step and doing so…it would change his life forever. Not to mention all that he and Elijah had gone through…they had just gotten their_ _relationship back on stable footing it felt like. Did he want to risk it?_

 

_Watching Elijah at the stove, preparing breakfast for him, all calm and serene…ok, maybe a bit pissed off about prop 8, but otherwise_ _calm and serene, Dominic suddenly knew the answer to the question. He wanted it to be special though, so that meant special preparations. Preparations that Elijah wouldn’t_ _even expect…but if it was going to happen that night, he’d have to start as soon as possible. He got up, gathering up his paper and coffee and headed for his laptop in the living room, a plan taking shape in his head._

 

“ _Dom! Your eggs!” Elijah watched his boyfriend leave the room without a word. What the fuck? He had said that he wanted eggs! Or else Elijah wouldn’t have bothered! Fuck, this was turning into a bad day!_

 

“ _I’ll eat later!” Was Dominic’s short reply, much to Elijah’s annoyance._

 

_~*~_

 

_The day had gone from bad to worse after Dom had abandoned the breakfast that Elijah had prepared for him. First it had been the canceled meeting with some producers that Elijah’s agent had set up. Elijah had spent hours researching the role that the suits had offered him, then the night before, he had spent hours picking out just the right thing to wear. Then when the time for the meeting arrived_ _, they canceled five minutes before the meeting was to start! Fucking unprofessional! Really, if he was_ _expected to behave like a professional, shouldn’t they be expected to do the same? Fuck, it was their project! It should be a requirement!_

 

_So feeling disappointed and annoyed, Elijah returned home, expecting his boyfriend to be there to listen to him rant about unprofessional producers and have him agree with him wholeheartedly, just to find that Dominic was nowhere to be found and not only that, dinner had not even been started and it was his fucking night to cook!_

 

_Granted, they still had a few hours to go before dinner, but still, Dominic had nothing scheduled for that day! He should have been there! Where was he? Did he go to the grocers? That was_ _when Elijah’s imagination really took off. What if Dominic had gone to the grocers? What if there had been an accident? He could be lying_ _in some ditch right now dying! All alone! Or he could have_ _hit his head and had forgotten_ _who he was and the hospital wouldn’t know unless Elijah somehow found him!_

 

_Raising up in a panic, Elijah flipped open his cell phone and first dialed Dominic’s number. When it went to voice mail, his panic heightened and he began calling the hospitals in the area, just to find that no one matching Dominic’s description had been brought in. Screaming in frustration, he tossed his phone on the couch and got up to pace, just when Dominic came through the door, holding a small bouquet of roses._

 

“What’s this?” Dominic chuckled, amused. He was used to Elijah’s neurotic fits, which happened when things didn't _go the way Elijah had expected them to go._

 

“ _Where the fuck have you been?” Elijah growled, turning a steely glare onto his boyfriend. “I needed you here!”_

 

“ _I was out,” Dominic held out the roses. “Buying you pretty things…”_

 

_Elijah felt his anger and annoyance melt away at the sight of the flowers. How could_ _he be angry at someone so fucking romantic? Maybe the day wasn’t going to be a wash after all. “Awww, you shouldn’t have, Dom. What did I do to deserve these?”  
_

 

“Does there have to be a reason to buy my boyfriend flowers?” Dominic asked with a mysterious smile. His plans were shaping up nicely. If he could _keep Elijah in the dark long enough, the day would_ _have a spectacular ending. “Come. I want to take you to the beach.”_

 

_Elijah frowned, taken aback. It was a bit late to go surfing, wasn’t it? Not to mention that he was starving and past ready for dinner. “The beach? Now?”_

 

“Yes, _now. You don’t have to change or anything. We’ll just hop in the car and go…”_

 

_Elijah’s frown deepened, none of what Dom was saying was making any sense to him. “Not even swim trunks? I think we’d get arrested if we’re_ _caught surfing naked…”_

 

_Dominic sighed_ _and rolled his eyes, taking Elijah’s hands in his. “Do you trust me?”_

 

“ _Of course I do…”_

 

“ _Well then stop thinking and just come with me. Don’t worry about a thing…”_

 

_Dominic’s words struck Elijah silent. Elijah had no idea whether to be excited or scared. Really, there was no telling with Dominic. This could be the start of one of Dominic’s pranks…or it could be something altogether_ _different. When it came to their relationship, Dominic was the picture of spontaneity. One never knew what he was going to do or how he was going to react. It was something that Elijah had grown to love about his boyfriend. There was never a dull moment._

 

_Throwing caution to the wind, Elijah took Dominic’s hand, placing all of his trust in him. He wanted to know what it was Dominic had planned. Going by the lack of mischievousness in his lover’s eyes, Elijah doubted that it was some prank. Besides, the years of elaborate pranks were_ _of the past, left in the safety of New Zealand…_

 

_~*~_

 

_Elijah glanced at Dominic once again as the older man parked the car in the parking lot. His curiosity was at a new high and it got higher after they got out of the car and Dominic led_ _him in the opposite direction of the surfing equipment rental. So they weren’t going surfing. So where were they going? What did all of this mean?_

 

“ _Dom? The surfing rental place is that way,” Elijah pointed in the opposite direction, confused._

 

“ _I know. We’re not going surfing.”_

 

_Elijah frowned, at a loss of what the purpose of this visit to the beach was. “Where are we going if not surfing?”_

 

“You’ll find out,” Dominic smiled, taking Elijah’s hand and pulling him _in the direction that_ _he wanted him to go in. “Trust me…”_

 

_Trust me. That seemed to be his boyfriend’s pet phrase at the moment. Trust me. Elijah did trust Dominic, he just wanted to know what was up. Dominic had been gone all day, leaving Elijah to his own devices and then he showed_ _up_ _, wanting Elijah to follow him to only god knew where._

 

_Not asking anymore questions, Elijah remained silent, trying not to wonder why they were at the beach and for what purpose. He just followed Dominic, trusting that he’d_ _know what this was all about eventually._

 

_His silence turned into a surprised gasp as Dominic finally came to a stop. They weren’t far from the ocean and before him was a layout for a romantic picnic. Elijah looked at Dominic with wide blue eyes. He certainly hadn’t been expecting this!_

 

“ _Surprise!” Dominic grinned, enjoying the look on his boyfriend’s face._

 

_Elijah blinked, trying to compose his thoughts, which had scattered elsewhere. His blue eyes shimmered with emotion as he looked at Dominic. What was this? Why? This wasn’t an anniversary or a birthday. “What…why…? Did I forget something…?”_

 

_Dominic laughed and shook his head. “No. Of course not. I just wanted to do something romantic for you. But this by no means is the end of the surprises.”  
_

“ _It’s not?”_

 

“ _Nope. But that’s not important right now. Right now, let’s just sit and enjoy all of this. The sky, the ocean…the food…each other…”_

 

“ _You’re fucking crazy, you know that?” Elijah giggled, settling down onto the blanket, happily smiling at Dominic, who was settling down next to him._

 

“ _That’s why you love me, right?” Dominic grinned, wiggling his eyebrows._

 

“ _Yeah. Crazy and fucking romantic. I don’t think I would have thought of something like this…”_

 

“ _I think you would have, eventually,” Dominic smiled, pouring them each a flute of champagne._

 

“ _Are you sure that we’re not celebrating something?” Elijah eyed the champagne. “I mean…champagne is not something we have just any old day…”_

 

_Dominic laughed. “Do we always need to celebrate something?”_

 

_Elijah smiled sheepishly and shrugged. He didn’t mean to be a pain about all that Dominic had done. It was obvious that he had worked very hard putting all of this together. It was just that Elijah didn’t expect this kind of setting unless it was Valentine’s day, his birthday, or an anniversary. A moonlit picnic on the beach…something special must be about to happen. But instead of interrogating Dominic about his motives, Elijah was determined to just sit back and enjoy. Let Dominic get to his moment all in good time. Besides, this was beautiful, with the ocean and the sunset, the soon to be sparkling stars above…nope. Elijah had no reason to complain._

 

_For the next hour, the boys remained silent, just eating and drowning in their own thoughts. Elijah trying not to think too much and just enjoy the evening, while Dominic was a bundle of nerves. Tonight, his and Elijah’s relationship would_ _be forever changed…he just hoped it would be a positive change. He loved Elijah with everything he was. When he had accepted Elijah back into his life as his lover…he hadn’t really expected Elijah to really stick to his promise. He had been positive that Elijah would try to hide their relationship. But that hadn’t been the case at all! True, he didn’t announce that they were dating to the world, but he didn’t deny it either. Any doubts that Dominic might_ _have had about Elijah had been laid to rest. Elijah had proven_ _that he was serious about him. That he really did want their relationship to work, and now Dominic felt that it was time to take it to the next level. He just hoped that Elijah felt the same…_

 

_Once they had finished eating, Dominic and Elijah just leaned back on their hands and stared out at the now dark waves crashing onto the shore. The stars were bright in the sky and Elijah’s breath caught in his_ _throat, taken away by the beauty._

 

“It’s beautiful, _isn’t it?” Dominic broke the silence, his gaze fastened onto Elijah._

 

“ _It is,” Elijah nodded, examining the sky, seeing if he could make out any of the constellations._

 

“ _I love this beach. It’s far from the city lights and the smog of LA…it’s unbelievable,” Dominic sighed, slipping a hand into his pants pocket, playing with the object hidden within. The time was approaching soon for the next surprise._

 

“I don’t know…we could _probably see more if we weren’t in LA…but this is still nice…”_

 

“ _Yeah,” Dom withdrew the box from his pocket, yet he still kept it hidden, not ready to reveal it to Elijah just yet. “We can at least still hear the ocean, though. No city noise can drown that out.”_

 

_Elijah sighed and looked out over the dark waves. Night had fallen on them so quickly it seemed. He looked over at Dominic, wondering once more what the purpose of this night was. “Why did you bring me here, Dom? I tried not to ask anymore…but the suspense is fucking killing me. I have to know…”_

 

“So there still has to be a reason, _huh?” Dominic teased_

 

_Elijah sighed and rolled his eyes, feeling annoyed. He didn’t get why Dominic refused to answer his question. “Fuck you, Dominic. Fine, don’t tell me…”_

 

_Feeling annoyed…no, more like pissed off, Elijah got up and stormed off down the beach. He didn’t understand Dominic. What was the big secret anyway? It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the romantic gesture. He just wanted to know why. Was that so fucking horrible?_

 

 

“Lijah, _wait!” Dominic got up and raced after Elijah, grabbing his arm when he was near enough, bringing the younger man to a stop. He turned Elijah around so that they were facing each other. “I’m sorry. I’m being a right wanker…it’s just because I’m as nervous as fuck right now and…”_

 

_Elijah frowned, still not understanding anything at the moment. “Nervous? What do you have to be nervous about? I don’t understand, Dom…”_

 

_Dominic sighed. He had wanted this to be one of the most romantic moments in their relationship, but sadly it seemed_ _that he had_ _somehow bollocked it up_ _. Now Elijah was pissed and confused and he was going to just have to come out and do the presentation. He wasn’t sure if these were_ _the proper conditions for success…but he had to try._

 

“ _Ok, I wanted this to be under calm, romantic conditions…but instead I’ve gotten you suspicious, angry, and confused and I know that’s my fault. So I’ll just come out with the reason I arranged all of this tonight.”  
_

“ _That’d be a good idea,” Elijah huffed, his patience gone._

 

_Dominic took a deep breath_ _, his nerves at an all time high. This was it. The moment of truth…”We’ve known each other forever,_ _Lijah. We’ve been friends, lovers, friends again, and now we’re back to lovers. Stronger than ever. I know we’ve had a rough patch. The break up…Evangeline…but we came through it intact and somehow found our way back to each other. I’ve never stopped loving you. Not for a second. I believe that when it all comes down to it, we’re soul mates. We’re destined. No matter what we do or how many people we get involved with…we’ll always find our way back to each other._

 

_It’s fucking amazing is what it is and…I love you,_ _Lijah. I love you more than anything and I honestly can’t see spending my life with anyone but you…what I’m trying to ask is…,” With trembling fingers, Dominic opened the box to reveal a silver ring and got down on_ _one knee, looking up at Elijah with pleading blue eyes. “Will you marry me?”_

 

_Elijah was struck silent. Of all the things, he hadn’t been expecting this. His hand clamped over his mouth and his eyes filled with tears. He hadn’t even hoped that this moment would come! Dominic had never mentioned anything about wanting to get married, even though they had celebrated each and every passage of a gay marriage bill. Elijah had thought that maybe Dominic had just been happy they the_ _way they were. It meant everything that Dominic wanted so much more from him…_

 

“ _Dommie…?” Elijah choked out, overcome with happy tears._

 

_Dominic smiled, sensing that the tears weren’t sad ones. “Marry me. Make me the happiest man in the world…”_

 

“ _But it’s not legal here…”_

 

_Dominic chuckled. “We’ll go to New York…or England, or somewhere where it is legal. Just…just say that you’ll marry me. Be mine forever.”_

 

_Gazing into those eyes, there was only one answer that Elijah could give. There was only one choice for him. To even consider anything else would be fucking stupid of him. So he just tearfully smiled and nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you, Dom…whenever and wherever…”_

 

_With a happy laugh, Dominic took the ring out of the box and slid it onto Elijah’s finger, sealing their engagement. Shouting with joy, Dominic was on his feet and sweeping Elijah into a warm hug. “You won’t regret this, baby!”_

 

_Elijah just smiled happily, clinging to his now fiancée. This was a new start to their lives together. Getting married was an assurance that they’d_ _be together forever! Nothing would_ _be able to come between them!_

 

_**Present Day** _

 

 

Elijah sniffed, remembering back to the night of Dominic’s proposal. He had been so sure that he and Dominic were going to grow old and gray together. He hadn’t even harbored the thought that one of them could get sick…that one of them could die. But of course, when you were young and healthy, the thought of sickness and death never occurred to you and hadn’t occurred to either himself or Dominic back then.

 

Elijah had to wonder if he had known, would he still have accepted Dominic’s proposal? Would he even have worked to get their relationship back, knowing that it wouldn’t be forever?

 

Yes. The answer could be no other than yes. He might have lost Dominic. He might be without him now, but the time he did have with him…the love and affection and companionship…even though it wasn’t permanent, it was still worth it. If he had to do it all again, Elijah would. He wouldn’t trade the time he had loving Dominic for anything in the world. Not even a lifetime of being free of grief and pain…


	22. 22

Chapter 22

 

_**Present Day…** _

 

Elijah sighed as he sat on his bed, going over his photo albums. Reminiscing about the day Dominic had proposed had infused Elijah with the need to revisit their wedding day by looking through the wedding album that Elijah had avoided perusing for the past year. He sat on his bed, the book opened before him, the first picture of himself and Dominic standing before the wedding official glaring up at him, choking him with memories.

 

With a trembling finger, he traced Dominic’s smiling figure and bit back a sob. He looked so young and healthy and carefree, the cancer years away. Looking at this picture, one would never think that the glowing young man would be stricken with a disease that in the end would suck all of the youth and vitality out of him.

 

Elijah sighed and turned the page to another picture. This one was of himself and Dominic in each others arms, happily smiling at the camera. The love and hope in their eyes was unmistakable. That day, they had thought that they had a lifetime to look forward to…if only that had been the case…

 

Fuck! What was he doing, torturing himself like this? Why couldn’t he just move on already? It had been a fucking year! He should be used to the cold absence of Dominic’s presence by now! He shouldn’t be still sobbing over wedding pictures and bittersweet memories! He should be moving on with his life right now, right? Well then why was he still disturbed that he could no longer feel Dominic anymore? Why was he constantly crying and why couldn’t he just move on and put that time with Dominic behind him? Why was he still holding on to a time in his life that was now over and would never return? It was infuriating! He just wanted to pick up the album and hurl it across the room away from him. But he didn’t. Instead, he just sat there looking at that picture, letting the memories wash over him. There was no use fighting them. He realized that now. They’d take him anyway, and he’d still end up a sobbing mess, no matter how hard he tried to forget…

 

_**October 2, 2011** _

 

_Elijah stood in front of_ _the mirror, staring at his reflection in a sense of disbelief. The day had finally arrived. He couldn’t believe it. After all the discussion, decision making_ _)_ _and planning, he was finally here. His wedding day. How fucking surreal. When he had discovered that he was gay, he had put the thought of marriage behind him, thinking that it was impossible. At that point, gays couldn’t marry. But more states were legalizing gay marriage and suddenly it was an option again and just in time. Not only had Elijah found himself deeply in love, he found himself deeply in love with his soul mate. How many people could say that they were marrying the person that they were meant to be with and actually, deep down in their gut, know it? Not many, he thought he didn’t think._

 

_He straightened up his tie and the cuffs of his suit, wanting to make sure that everything was perfectly in its_ _place. He didn’t want any wrinkles in sight. Nothing in disarray. He wanted this day to be perfect…_

 

_He turned his head at the sound of someone entering the room. A nervous smile appeared on his face at the sight of his sister, dressed up in a black and white dress. She was beautiful. He couldn’t have picked a better person to stand up for him than his sister. He loved her almost as much as he loved Dominic._

 

“ _Nervous?” Hannah asked, walking up to her brother and beginning to fiddle with his tie._

 

“ _A little. It’s not everyday one gets married…in his home state no less…,” Elijah chuckled. Iowa had been_ _the obvious choice for him. He had_ _spent a great deal of his childhood in Cedar Rapids,_ _Iowa. Despite the fact that his estranged father lived here, Iowa was a place of comfort and happiness for him. It made sense to have the happiest day of his life take place here as well._

 

“ _You look great. You’re gonna knock Dominic’s socks off,” Hannah winked, finishing off the tie._

 

“ _Do you really think so?” Elijah frowned, looking at the mirror behind Hannah. He frowned, noting how she blocked his view._

 

“ _Yes,_ _I really think so. I’d tell you if you didn’t, believe me,” Hannah giggled. “So are you ready to become Mr. Wood-Monaghan?”_

 

“ _I’ve been ready ever since he slid that engagement ring on my finger, Han. I can’t believe it. After all we’ve been through...the break-ups_ _, the bearding, the other relationship…this is finally happening. We’re back where we belong and we’re becoming official.”_

 

“ _Dominic is finally going to be my brother,” Hannah grinned, happy for her brother. She had watched him go through so much angst over his love for Dominic, and finally things were working out for them both._

 

_Elijah smiled, knowing just how happy Hannah was for them both. He had cried on her shoulder numerous times about his feelings for Dominic when they had been apart and had listened to his concerns when they had gotten back together. In some ways, she had been their most vocal cheerleader. Today was a victory for her, just as much as it was for himself and Dominic._

 

“ _This day was a long time coming,” Elijah sighed, feeling a nervous ache in the pit of his stomach. “I hope that he won’t be disappointed…”_

 

“ _Why would he be disappointed? You know that you’re the most beautiful thing in his eyes. He loves you,” Hannah smiled, finishing the tie and taking a step back. “There you go. All ready…”_

 

_Elijah smiled at himself in the mirror as Hannah moved aside so he could see himself better. He had to admit, he. One Wood sibling walking down the aisle at last…_

 

_His smile faded as that final thought brought his father to the forefront of his mind. He had sent an invitation against his better judgment. He didn’t expect the man to show up. He hadn’t really shown up for any important event in his life, so why would that change now? But still…some small part of him, the part that was still that little boy, searching for his father’s approval, hoping that someday he’d_ _come back into his life, was hoping that Warren Wood would show up to see his youngest son marry the man he loved. It wasn’t like he’d have to go all the way to LA or New York. The wedding was right there in his town. If he didn’t come…well it’d be the moment of truth that Elijah should have accepted a long time ago, and he wasn’t going to dwell on it. Not today. Not on the happiest day of his life._

 

“ _Any word from dad?” Elijah asked, trying to keep the hope out of his voice. If he didn’t feel any hope, he wouldn’t be disappointed if it turned out that is his_ _father hadn’t made it._

 

_Hannah frowned. She had not been happy at all_ _when Elijah told her that he had sent their long estranged father an invitation to the wedding. She just knew that he wouldn’t show up, ruining a day that should be nothing but happy for her brother._

 

“ _No. You shouldn’t have bothered,_ _Elijah. You’re just asking to be disappointed.”_

 

“ _I won’t be. I just sent the invitation as a courtesy. I don’t really expect him to show up.” At_ _least he was trying not to expect him to show up. This was a happy day. He was not going to allow disappointment to ruin it._

 

“ _I hope that you won’t be. Today is too important to let him ruin.”_

 

“ _I know,” Elijah smiled, just as the wedding march began. “Fuck, it’s started already…”_

 

“ _Ready to become a married man?”_

 

_Elijah chuckled. “As ready as I’m ever gonna be. Let’s do this.”_

 

_Taking one last deep breath, Elijah and Hannah got into position and began the journey down the aisle where Dominic was waiting._

 

“ _This is unconventional, you having me give you away as well as being your best person,” Hannah giggled, keeping her attention straight ahead._

 

“ _Nothing about this day is conventional,” Elijah answered, feeling his heart beat as Dominic came into view. He was very handsome, wearing a grey suit with a black and grey tie. His blond hair was slicked back and his smile was bright and full of love._

 

“ _You lucky fucker,” Hannah giggled, nudging her brother a little. “I think that my crush has returned.”_

 

“ _You’re out of luck. He’s all mine,” Elijah grinned. And he was, just as Elijah was all his. They had finally made it, despite breaking up and all the angst they had been through. They were finally right where they belonged._

 

“ _You look great,” Dominic smiled with tears in his eyes as Elijah and Hannah reached the altar. He took one of Elijah’s hands and gave it a gentle squeeze._

 

“ _So do you,” Elijah blinked away his own happy tears._

 

“ _Who gives this man’s hand_ _in matrimony?” The official asked as Elijah took his place at Dominic’s side._

 

“ _I do,” Hannah nodded, taking a step back._

 

_Elijah gave Hannah a small smile. There was no one he'd_ _rather have give him away. They’d_ _been through so much together and had depended on each other through the hard times in life. It made perfect sense that it’d be his sister to give him away on this special day. He certainly didn’t want his own father to do it. Not with how long he had been absent from his life._

 

_A hush fell over the room as the official cleared his throat, signaling the start of the ceremony._

 

“ _We are gathered here today, not to witness the beginning of what will be, but rather what already is! We do not create this marriage, because we cannot. We can and do, however, celebrate with Dominic and Elijah and their friends and families the wondrous and joyful occurrence that has already taken place in their lives,” the_ _official continued on._

 

_Elijah smiled at Dominic, feeling his joy course through him. Their love. It was indeed wondrous and joyful. When he had lost Dominic, Elijah had resigned himself to being a miserable mess of an actor for the rest of his life. He was so thankful for the second chance he had received. A chance that he wasn’t going to squander this time._

 

“ _Marriage is a supreme sharing of experience, and an adventure in the most intimate of human relationships. It is the joyous union of two people whose comradeship and mutual understanding have flowered in romance. Today Dominic and Elijah proclaim their love and commitment to the world, and we gather here to rejoice, with and for them, in the new life they now undertake together.  
  
“The joy we feel now is a solemn joy, because the act of marriage has many consequences, both social and personal. Marriage requires ‘love,’ a word we often use with vagueness and sentimentality. We may assume that love is some rare and mystical event, when in fact it is our natural state of being.”_

 

_Looking into Dominic’s eyes, Elijah had to agree. Loving Dominic…it was as natural to him as breathing. He just couldn’t even fathom a world where he didn’t love Dominic. To not love Dominic…it was impossible…unnatural. They belonged together…they were soul mates.  
  
“So what do we mean by love? When we love, we see things other people do not see. We see beneath the surface, to the qualities which make our beloved special and unique. To see with loving eyes, is to know inner beauty . And to be loved is to be seen, and known, as we are known to no other. One who loves us, gives us a unique gift: a piece of ourselves, but a piece that only they could give us.  
  
“We who love, can look at each other's life and say, ‘I touched his life,’ or, ‘I touched her life,’ just as an artist might say, ‘I touched this canvas.’ ‘Those brushstrokes in the comer of this magnificent mural, those are mine. I was a part of this life, and it is a part of me.’ Marriage is to belong to each other through a unique and diverse collaboration, like two threads crossing in different directions, yet weaving one tapestry together.  
  
“The secret of love and marriage is similar to that of religion itself. It is the emergence of the larger self. It is the finding of one's life by losing it. Such is the privilege of husband and husband - to be each himself and yet another; to face the world strong, with the courage of two.”_

 

_Again Elijah felt that the words fitted them perfectly. No one saw him like Dominic saw him and perhaps he saw Dominic in a way that no one else saw him either. He loved Dominic with all of his faults and bad habits. There was nothing that he didn’t love about the man before him. He had no doubts, no concerns about sharing his life with Dominic. He and Dominic…they belonged together. They were meant to walk this life together. There was no_ _other way for them but to be together and live as one…  
  
“To make this relationship work, therefore, takes more than love. It takes trust, to know in your hearts that you want only the best for each other. It takes dedication, to stay open to one another, to learn and grow, even when it is difficult to do so. And it takes faith, to go forward together without knowing what the future holds for you both. While love is our natural state of being, these other qualities are not as easy to come by. They are not a destination, but a journey.”_

 

_Elijah smiled at this, knowing that the official was too right. Earning back the trust he had lost and gaining even more than that…it was a long journey and longer still. But love and dedication was indeed helping him persevere and look. That dedication was getting him Dominic in a way that at one time he hadn’t dared to hope.  
  
“The true art of married life is in this an inner spiritual journey. It is a mutual enrichment, a give and take between two personalities, a mingling of two endowments which diminishes neither, but enhances both.  
  
“I would like to read to you a poem about this mingling, called " Married Love," which was written by a medieval poet about seven hundred years ago. In the English translation, it reads: You and I have_ _so much love, that it burns like a fire, in which we bake a lump of clay molded into a figure of you and a figure of me. Then we take both of them. And break them into pieces, and mix the pieces with water, and mold again a figure of you and a figure of me. I am in your clay. You are in my clay. In life we share a single quilt, in death we will share one coffin.  
  
As the poem shows us, mingling in marriage is a mutual dedication, a cooperative venture in every sense. It is a relationship based on love, respect, and a determination by both partners to adjust to each other and support one another, in health and in sickness, in joy and in sadness, in ease and in hardship._

 

_  
Through this co-operation, we give ourselves, our lives and love. into the hands of the one we love. We do so trustingly and generously. And so, each of us receives a gift: the life and love of the other. We receive this gift, not only from the one we love, but also from the parents who brought us into the world, and from our friends and families as well.”_

 

_And Dominic was a gift that he was going to cherish always. He’d_ _never mistreat or neglect him again. He’d_ _keep him safe in his love. Guard him against anyone or anything that threatened to tell them apart. The life and love of this man…it was the most precious gift he’d_ _ever receive and he fucking knew it._

 

“ _And so as Dominic and Elijah’s friends and family, we are here to share with them this joy and hope, and to see them off on the path they will walk together. May it be a path of blessedness, bright with flowers of prosperity and spiritual awakening; a path of ever deepening, ever broadening love that they will travel, arm in arm. throughout_ _eternity.”  
_

_Elijah looked out amongst their guests. Friends and family. People that they’d_ _known since New Zealand and some that had come after. They were people that had supported them throughout everything and now here they were, seeing him and Dominic off on this journey of_ _love and marriage. He had no idea what they would have done without_ _their love, support, and advice. His gaze fell on Billy, who stood at Dominic’s opposite side as his best man. Billy’s love for Dominic…it resembled his own, yet he had been one of their biggest supporters, standing by both of them as they had gone through their trials and Elijah knew that he’d_ _be there for them always. Elijah loved him for it and hoped that Billy would never leave them. Elijah just couldn’t picture their lives without Billy. It was impossible._

 

 

“ _Dominic and Elijah this celebration is the outward token of your sacred and inward union of hearts, which the church and temple may bless, and the state make legal, but which neither state nor church can create nor annul. It is a union created by your loving purpose and kept by your abiding will. It is in this spirit and for this purpose that you have come here to be joined together._

_  
Dominic and Elijah, have you chosen your vows to join yourselves together in the union of marriage?”_

 

“ _We have,” they_ _replied in unison._

 

_The official just smiled and took a step back. “Well,_ _let us begin. Dominic, you may go first.”_

 

_Dominic smiled nervously and took Elijah’s other hand in his own, his blue eyes full of emotion. “In the presence of our families and_ _friends, I claim you, Elijah, as my lifemate. I belong to you. I offer my life for you. I give to you my protection, my allegiance, my heart, my soul and_ _my body. I take into my keeping the same that is yours. Your life, happiness and_ _welfare will be cherished and_ _placed above my own for all time. You are my lifemate, bound to me for all eternity and_ _always in my care."_

 

_Elijah sniffled back happy tears and squeezed Dominic’s hand in return, his heart beating faster and faster. “In the presence of our families and_ _friends, I claim you Dominic, as my lifemate. I belong to you. I offer my life to you. I give to you my protection, my allegiance, my heart, my soul and_ _my body. I take into my keeping the same that is yours. Your life, happiness and_ _welfare will be cherished and_ _placed above my own for all time. You are my lifemate, bound to me for all eternity and_ _always in my care."_

_  
The official cleared his throat, signaling that another part of the ceremony was about to begin. “_ _Traditionally, the marking- of the passage to tile status of husband and wife is marked by the exchange of rings. These rings are a symbol of the unbroken circle of love. Love freely given has no beginning and no end, no giver and no receiver for each is the giver and each is the receiver. May these rings always remind you of the vows you have taken.”_

 

_Both Elijah and Dominic retrieved their rings from Billy and Hannah and slid them onto the other's finger, tears clear in their eyes._

 

“ _Dominic,” The official turned to the blond, a serene smile on his face. “Repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed.”_

 

_Dominic smiled through his tears. “With this ring, I thee wed.”_

 

“ _Elijah,” The official turned to him, the same smile on his lips. “Repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed.”_

 

_Elijah giggled through his tears, still gazing into Dominic's eyes. “With this ring, I thee wed.”_

 

“ _We will close with an Apache Blessing: Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for the other.  
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before. Go now to your dwelling to enter into the days of your life together. And may your days be good and long upon the earth. _

 

“ _Dominic and Elijah, remember to treat both yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty or fear assail your relationship – as they threaten_ _all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part that seems wrong.  
  
In this way, you can ride out the times when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that,_ _even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.  
  
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your lives together, your life together will be marked by abundance and delight.”_

 

_Fucking good advice. If only someone had said that to him the first time around. But Elijah had to admit that the first time around, he wouldn't have listened. Back then, he had thought that he had known_ _everything. That the things threatening his relationship with Dominic couldn't be faced, especially not together. How wrong he had been_ _and it was a lesson well learned! For now on, they shall face things together and he wouldn't_ _dwell with all that might_ _be wrong but would_ _also concentrate on the things that were_ _going well. He wanted their marriage to be strong and long lasting._

 

“ _Inasmuch as you have consented together in this ceremony to live in wedlock and have sealed your vows in the presence of this company and by the giving of these rings, it gives me great pleasure to pronounce that you are Husband and Husband.  
Congratulations, you may kiss!”_

 

_For a second, Dominic and Elijah just stood there, staring into each other's eyes, their love ever present and flowing. It was Hannah's giggle that broke the trance and soon enough they were in each other's arms kissing deeply, sealing their union for all to see. They were young, in love, and united and nothing was going to change that. Not Hollywood. Not Homophobic fans. Not their own doubts and fears. Dominic and Elijah were forever. Nothing on earth was going to come between them. Together, they were going to face down their obstacles and live happily ever after..._

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

Elijah closed the album. That day...that wonderful, brilliant day. They had been full of so much hope and love back then. They hadn't known what was coming. They had been unaware that some things, you just couldn't be beat. No matter how much in love you were, how well things were going. No matter how hard you fought. Some things won and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

 

He had thought that he would have forever with Dominic. He had thought that when one left this earth, the other would follow. How wrong he had been. Dominic, his wonderful, loving, snarky, sweet Brit was gone, leaving Elijah nothing but memories that filled him with loneliness in pain. A pain that could never be soothed. 

 

[ http://www.myweddingvows.com/wedding-ceremony/contemporary-non-religious-ceremony ](http://www.myweddingvows.com/wedding-ceremony/contemporary-non-religious-ceremony)


	23. 23

_**Present Day...** _

 

Elijah sat at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of tea. He didn't understand, why he was thinking of his wedding day and the time afterward now. It wasn't even an anniversary. His mind just would not leave it alone. That day had been magical. They had been in love and optimistic. Nothing could touch them. The world and the future had been theirs. They had so many dreams and wishes back then and had been certain that they would all come true just because they were them and they had each other. Neither one of them had been prepared for how short their time together would be. Where other couples had a lifetime together, they had only had a few all too short years.

 

It wasn't fair.

 

Fair. What a fucking stupid word. The meaning meant nothing to him, because nothing in his life had ever been fair. His father had left them at a young age. That definitely hadn't been fair. He had missed out on a normal childhood. Not fair. He discovered that he was different from other boys in his age group. Instead of swooning over the girls his age, he had been swooning over the boys instead and that had been frowned upon. That had been unfair. He found love in New Zealand, just to lose it because of his own insecurities. That had been unfair, because if Dominic had been a girl and he hadn't been gay, none of it would have happened. And then he had gotten that love back, had been lulled into a false sense of security, just to lose everything when he had thought that he had all he'd ever need in this world. That had been very fucking unfair. Nothing else could compare.

 

He had wanted a lifetime with his Dominic, but he had been cheated out of it and he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. Why was he being punished? What had he done that was so horrible that he was being denied the man he loved, his soul mate? He just didn't get it. Surely there were worse people than he, yet they were never punished. They were never given their other half just to have them ripped away.

 

That night, after the celebration of their union, Dominic and Elijah had thought that finally the world was theirs. They had been together and happy and all the badness was over. Nothing could touch them. It had been an optimistic evening. One that Elijah would never forget...

 

_**August 2, 2011** _

 

_Elijah giggled and clung to Dominic's neck as he carried him over the threshold of their hotel room. After hours of partying with family and friends, finally it was just the two of them. Not that their friends and family were unappreciated. Of course, their support meant the world, but Elijah needed some time with just Dominic. He needed to bask in the fact that this man was his now and forever and they were bound to each other. He couldn't do that surrounded by people._

 

_A low whistle came from Dominic as he sat Elijah back on his feet as they both took in the fancy hotel room known as the honeymoon suite. The room was decked out in warm colors, giving it a romantic, cozy atmosphere. A large bed took up the center of the room. In the far right corner was a minibar and a few feet away from that was a table decked out with champagne, cheeses, fruits, whipped cream,_ _crackers and chocolate. There was a small stereo near the TV that was opposite the bed, for romantic music._

 

_Curious, Dominic opened the door to the right of the bed to discover a large bathroom with not only a tub large enough to fit two people, but a jacuzzi as well. It was perfect for two newlyweds that wanted to be alone._

 

“ _Fuck, this is snazzy,” Elijah grinned, plopping down onto the soft bed, bouncing on the mattress a little, feeling like a little boy who was in Disneyland for the first time._

 

“ _It's exactly like it was on the website,” Dominic grinned. He had searched long and hard for the perfect hotel room for their wedding night and was beyond pleased that there had been no exaggeration on the hotel's part._

 

“ _So...it's just the two of us at last,” Elijah chuckled, leaning back against the soft comforter that covered the bed. He looked up at the ceiling and took in a deep breath of relief, allowing the stress and excitement of the day to flow from his muscles. It felt good to just relax now that all the planning and organizing was over. Just knowing that everything had gone off exactly as planned. Even his father's absence hadn't ruined the day for him. It had all been so fucking magical, but now it was time for just them and Elijah wanted to make the most of it._

 

“ _I thought that this moment would never come. Don't get me wrong. I love our friends, but all I've been wanting to do since we said our vows was bring you here and just...ravish you really...”_

 

“ _Is that so?” Elijah grinned, suggestively arching a brow. “And what if I don't want to be ravished, Mr. Monaghan?”_

 

“ _Well then I'm afraid that I'll just have to do some convincing then...Mr. Monaghan...,” Dominic grinned, loving the sound of his own last name on his lips._

 

“ _Well then I'm ready to be convinced,” Elijah grinned, propping himself up on_ _his elbows._

 

_Dominic just smiled and went to the banquet table and poured some bubbly champagne into two flute glasses and went to sit down on the bed next to his new husband. “I think we should begin with a toast.”_

 

_Smiling Elijah took the champagne filled flute and held it up in a toast. “To my gorgeous husband. May our lives be happy together.”_

 

“ _To my beautiful Lijah. May you know only joy.”_

 

_Elijah felt himself flush as he clinked the glass against Dominic's. He always found himself feeling flattered when Dominic called him beautiful. He knew that his looks had somewhat changed since New Zealand. He now looked more mature and life-worn...but Dominic had always let it be known that Elijah was still beautiful in his eyes and that meant more than any other compliment from anyone else. As long as Dominic still found him desirable, he was happy._

 

_After the flutes were emptied, Dominic took both glasses and sat them on the bedside table. “We won't be needing those again anytime soon.”_

 

“ _We won't? What do you have planned for me?”_

 

“ _Guess,” Dominic's smile had a seductive tinge to it and Elijah realized what a stupid question that had been._

 

_'What did he have planned? It's your wedding night. What do you think he has planned?' Elijah pushed the berating thoughts out of his head as he watched Dominic shed the jacket that came with his suit and then began to play with Elijah's tie, unraveling it. Elijah wrapped his arms around Dominic's neck and pulled him down so he could crush their lips together in a passionate kiss._

 

_Pale, slender fingers worked at the buttons on Dominic's shirt, unbuttoning them one by one, aching to reach the muscular chest beneath. Dominic pulled off Elijah's tie and began working on Elijah's buttons as well, wanting his new husband shirtless as soon as possible. Keeping Dominic close, Elijah scooted up onto the bed in a more comfortable position and wrapped his legs around Dominic's waist, shuddering as Dominic finished unbuttoning his shirt and pushed it open to reveal his bare chest. Elijah gasped as warm, steady fingers played with his hardened nipples. He pushed open Dominic's shirt and did the same, savoring the pebbly hardness beneath his fingers and the gasps coming from Dominic himself._

 

“ _Fuck, don't stop...,” Dominic moaned, pulling away from Elijah's mouth to breathe._

 

“ _Come back here,” was Elijah's breathless answer as he pulled Dominic into another kiss after taking a full deep breath._

 

_As he deepened the kiss by pushing his tongue into Elijah's waiting mouth, Dominic's hands slid down the soft flawless skin of Elijah's chest and made short work of the belt and zipper that held the pants together. He jerked the zipper down and pushed the pants and the boxers Elijah wore underneath away from Elijah's hips, freeing the growing erection. Elijah's hands did the same, unfastening Dominic's pants and pushing them away to reveal Dominic's straining erection._

 

_Elijah pulled away and gazed up into his new husband's eyes, thoughts and emotions swirling together in his head. He knew that between the two of them, he was the most sentimental...but he couldn't help it. The knowledge was so strong inside him, he just had to give it voice or explode from it all. “This is our first time since we got married...”_

 

_Dominic smiled, a gentle hand stroking his cheek. “I know. Makes it pretty fucking special, yeah?”_

 

_Elijah smiled, his eyes shining with happiness. Dominic actually got it. He always got it when Elijah got sentimental. Anyone else would have rolled their eyes and teased Elijah about his cheesy moments, but not Dominic...never Dominic. Even when they hadn't been a couple, Dominic would just smile and agree. But in this moment, it was more than Dominic agreeing...it was Dominic feeling it,_ _too...the specialness that was this very moment. The consummation of their marriage...a marriage that they had once thought was impossible._

 

_Their lips met again as they both wiggled the rest of the way out of their clothes and rubbed their groins together, slow and luxuriously, just taking their time and enjoying the waves of pleasure that washed through them._

 

_Elijah was lost in the sensations filling him, so he barely noticed Dominic reaching for the tube on the nightstand and somehow squirting some gel onto his fingers. After rubbing his fingers together to warm the gel, Dominic reached down to insert the finger into Elijah's waiting entrance, eliciting a small moan. He massaged the gel into the walls of Elijah's anus until he could insert two, then three fingers_ _._

 

_Moaning loudly and panting, Elijah broke away from Dominic's mouth and looked up into his eyes, his body screaming for the older man to take him. He cried out as slender fingers wrapped around his hard throbbing cock._

 

“ _Dommie...please...” Elijah panted breathlessly, clinging to Dominic with trembling fingers, his body aching in anticipation. “Make love to me...”_

 

 

“ _That's the plan,” Dominic panted, squeezing an_ _even greater amount of lube onto his hand and coating his ready erection with the warmed substance. Once ready, he draped Elijah's trembling legs_ _over his shoulder and scooted closer so that his penis was right against Elijah's entrance. “Ready?”_

 

_Elijah was too breathless to talk, so he just nodded his head. A deep moan escaped him as he felt Dominic fill him up as he pushed inside. Dominic himself moaned loudly as he felt Elijah's body clench against him, squeezing him in its_ _warm tightness._

 

“ _Fuck, baby...,” Dominic gasped, sliding in even deeper. With trembling fingers, he gripped Elijah's erection in a tight grip and began to slide his hand up and down the slick shaft. Elijah_ _arched his back and let out another deep moan, waves of pleasure filling his groin. He_ _cried out again as Dominic began to thrust and pressed against Elijah's sweet spot again and again, causing his body to fill with even more pleasure than before._

 

_The room was filled with the moans of two lovers, consummating their union with the most intimate of acts. Both were unaware of the_ _surrounding room, their senses tuned only on each other. Elijah clung to Dominic as he thrust_ _into him and stroked Elijah's pulsating cock in a rhythm that matched his thrusts._

 

_Elijah couldn't say how long they lasted. He was only aware of Dominic. There was no such thing as time and space. Not when he had Dominic inside him, taking him to heights that he had never been before. It was with a loud moan that he let his head fall back and his back arch even more as_ _his orgasm hit, hard and intense, leaving his body tingling. His grip on Dominic was weak, but he still held on to his new husband as Dominic's cock gave a hard jerk and he felt Dominic's seed spill into him as Dominic gave a loud groan himself, collapsing against Elijah once he had emptied himself, his own muscles unable to hold him up._

 

_Panting, they lay_ _there together, exhausted. Neither could move. Not even if they wanted to. Dominic did manage to lift his head though to gaze into Elijah's eyes. His smile was gentle and adoring. “I love you,_ _baby. More than anything.”_

 

_Elijah smiled, his love for Dominic filling him up as well. There was never going to be anyone else for him. He knew that for a fact. Dominic was it. “I love you, too. I'm so glad that we're together...that we were able to join our lives together at last. Iowa came just in time.”_

 

_Dominic chuckled and rubbed his nose against Elijah's. “It sure did. Now I can just let myself go.”_

 

“ _Oh is that so? And what makes you think that I won't dump your ass? Get too fat and I'll just have to dump you and finally take Ian up on his offer.”_

 

_Dominic frowned. “Isn't he too old for you?”_

 

_Elijah just laughed. “I'm not talking about McKellen. Someone else.” Elijah just playfully winked. Of course there was no one else. He was just taking the piss, getting revenge for all the times Dominic had done the same to him._

 

_Dominic for a second fell for it. He frowned, looking down at his husband, trying to decide whether to be hurt and angry. But then he saw the playful glint in those blue eyes and he growled playfully, signaling that he wasn't about to fall for it after all. He tickled Elijah's side playfully and laughed. “You little minx! You almost got me there!”_

 

“ _Like there could ever be anyone else after you!” Elijah laughed, trying to dodge Dominic's searching fingers, but failing. He decided to put an end to the tickling by wrapping his arms around Dominic's neck and pulling him down into another kiss._

 

_They panted as they parted once again and gazed into each others eyes. Elijah pressed his hand against Dominic's sweaty cheek and smiled up at him. “You silly man. Like I give a fuck what you look like. You can get as fat as a sumo wrestler. Wouldn't bother me a bit. It'll still be you. My Dommie. I love you so much. There will never be anyone else. Never ever.”_

 

“ _When you say it like that, I believe you,” Dominic smiled, his own eyes shining with a deep, unconditional love that he had never felt for anyone but Elijah. Marrying him was probably the best thing_ _he's ever done. The best thing he'll ever do._

 

“ _Believe me. It's the truth. You're it for me,_ _Dominic. No matter what. There will never be anyone else.”_

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

He remembered reassuring his beloved Dominic that there would never be anyone else for him, no matter what. Dominic had been it and Elijah had meant every word. Then and now...even when Dominic was gone from him forever. He knew deep down that there would never be anyone else for him. Dominic had been it. His soul mate. His lifelong love. Even though he was dead and gone, that did not change anything. At least, not in Elijah's eyes. No one would ever be able to take Dominic's place or fill up he hole that his death had left. Elijah wasn't even going to try.

 

That night as a married coupled, consummating their vows...it was had been a night that Elijah would never forget and he'd never forget the vow that he had made after their lovemaking was done. The vow that he'd never find anyone else. That Dominic would be the only one to have his heart, no matter what might happen. Even when one of them was now only a memory. No one would ever get that close to Elijah again. His heart belonged to Dominic and Dominic alone. Nothing will ever change that. Not even death.

 


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

July 4, 2012...

Elijah stood at the grill, flipping the sizzling beef, chicken, and soy burger patties. He smiled as a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and warm lips pressed against the nape of his neck. 

It was the fourth of July and they were throwing a yard party for their friends to celebrate the holiday. Dominic hadn't been too into it, but he had agreed to host this year's party instead of having Jason do it, jumping at the chance to show off the pool and garden of the house they had purchased just three months ago. Elijah especially loved the garden. The scent of the flowers and the different colors soothed him after a stressful day in front of the cameras and there was nothing like making love to Dominic amongst the lilies that were in full bloom. “Our flowerbed of looove” Dominic had called it. But that was something that their guests were never to know. All his garden was to outsiders was a pretty place for Elijah and maybe Dominic to spend their free time relaxing with each other. 

“Everyone is fucking starving, love,” Dominic playfully rubbed his nose against Elijah's neck. “And so am I....”

“Do you take your burgers rare?” Elijah smirked, knowing that Dominic didn't. The only raw meat Dominic liked was Sushi. 

Sure enough, Dominic made a disgusted face. “You know better than that...”

“Well, I guess you're just gonna have to be patient. Of course, if our guests want some rare, send them my way,” Elijah giggled as Dominic playfully slapped his ass and went back to their guests. 

Elijah watched as Dominic approached Billy and whispered something to him, just for Billy to break into peels of laughter. He couldn't help the smile on his own face. This was his life. He almost couldn't believe it. When he had first suspected that he was gay, he had never dreamed that he would end up here. A happily married man, owning his own home with his husband...his HUSBAND! Just the fact that he was married to the man he loved was something to fucking marvel at! 

“So, Master Hobbit. What is on the grill today?” A much loved voice spoke up from behind. Elijah whirled around to see Viggo grinning at him. 

“Hey you made it!” Elijah hugged the man that he called his surrogate daddy tightly. It had been months since he had last been able to visit with Viggo. He missed his former costar terribly and it was good to see him there at their party. It was a sight that Elijah really hadn't been expecting. “Fuck man, I'm glad that you made it! We were all afraid you were once again in the middle of nowhere filming some movie or sequestered in that studio of yours painting!”

“I got tired of missing out on fellowship get togethers, so I told my director that I was taking a few days off and now I'm here,” Viggo chuckled, releasing Elijah from the hug as he took a look around. “This place is gorgeous, Elijah. It suits you.”

“Isn't it? I mean, it took us months to find the perfect place and we looked at hundreds of houses, but finally we found something that spoke to the both of us. It even has a place for Dom's pets,” Elijah grinned, trying not to shudder at the thought of the lizards, spiders, and snakes that Dominic insisted on collecting. “It's fucking awesome and we are both happy to be able to let everyone see it, at last.”

Viggo couldn't not be happy for the young actor that he'd come to think of as a surrogate son. He loved him just as much as he loved Henry. He had often hoped that Elijah would come to peace with who he really was and accept the love of his soul mate and he was ecstatic to see that he had done just that very thing. This was Elijah Wood at his happiest and Viggo hoped that this happiness would remain. Somehow, he expected that it would.

“I'm happy for you, kiddo. You deserve this.”

“You really think so? After all I've put Dom and well...everyone else through?” Elijah arched a brow, returning to his cooking. He remembered times when Viggo had a look of disappointment on his face when he caught sight of Elijah with Pam or some other girl. Viggo had even called up Elijah when Dominic got with Evangeline, wanting to know how he had been holding up and if he had been ready then to drop the act. At the time he hadn't been and the disappointment in Viggo's voice had been very clear. So the approval he was receiving now...it filled Elijah with joy. He was finally doing things right. Right for himself and for Dominic, who was the one person that he really wanted to please, more than anyone else...even Viggo, one of the few older men that Elijah respected. 

“Of course. This has been what I have wanted for you all along, Lij. I wanted you to be happy and I knew that the only way you could ever be was with Dominic. I'm happy that you now see that, too,” Viggo nodded, a small smile on his lips. 

 

“I'm just lucky that Dominic had it in his heart to give me another chance. I could have lost him for good, Vig...”

“But you didn't. You did what you had to and Dominic finally came back to you. I have a feeling that it'll take a lot to get him to leave you again.”

Elijah just smiled, hoping that Viggo was right. That he and Dominic were so much stronger than they had been in the early years of their relationship. Elijah didn't think he could survive another separation...

Viggo looked as if he was going to say something else, but was interrupted when Orlando collided into him, wrapping a friendly arm around the older man's shoulders, a huge grin on his face.

“About time you got here, Vig! Wanna come and help me beat Bean and Boyd in a game of poker?,” He nodded towards one of the picnic tables set up, where both Sean and Billy were taking seats, shuffling a deck of cards. 

“Gambling, Orlando?” Viggo chuckled good naturedly. 

“Well, we're playing for beer, not money...at least not yet,” Orlando winked. 

“Just don't gamble up all the beer,” Elijah giggled at the notion. Orlando was insane indeed to be gambling for beer, knowing that he was shit at holding his liquor. “I always knew that you were a crazy fucker.”

“Hey, I've gotten a lot better at holding my liquor. I'm not a lightweight 22 year old anymore!” Orlando huffed.

“I recall that Dominic was the same age as you and he could drink you under the fucking table,” Elijah snorted playfully.

“Viggo!” Orlando whined, reminding Elijah of those New Zealand days when the hobbits always gave the elf a hard time and of course, Orli had gone crying to Viggo back then, just like he was doing now. The moment made Elijah smile in nostalgia. 

“Behave yourself, Frodo,” Viggo playfully wagged a finger, a nostalgic smile on his own on his lips. “It's not nice to pick on the elf.”

“Elijah not nice?” Dominic came up behind them carrying two bottles of beers, a disbelieving frown on his lips. “My Lijah not nice? Impossible! Everyone knows that he's the sweetest thing in the world...next to Nutella that is.”

Everyone, Elijah included, just rolled their eyes. Everyone knew that Dominic thought that Elijah was the nicest, sweetest man in the world. He was very biased like that and everyone who knew them loved it, knowing that it was love and respect that gave Dominic the impression he had. Of course, no one really disagreed. Elijah was nice and sweet, although he was playful and was influenced by Dominic's and Billy's sense of humor. 

“It's not nice to always pick on me like he does,” Orlando huffed.

“I'm just speaking the truth. He couldn't hold his liquor and he probably still can't,” Elijah snorted.

Orlando opened his mouth to argue, but Viggo grabbed his arm and pulled him away. “That's enough for now. Let's leave Elijah to his cooking and let's go play some beer poker,” Viggo winked at both Dominic and Elijah before pulling Orlando to where Sean and Billy were waiting for them.

“He's so sensitive,” Elijah snorted. 

“Almost like old times, huh?” Dominic grinned, handing Elijah one of the beers that he held. “I brought you some refreshment. Thought that you could use it, slaving away over this hot grill.”

“It's better than old times. Everyone's together and there's none of the doubts that had existed back then. We both know who and what we are and who and what we want and we're happy with that. That's a lot better than the old times,” Elijah smiled taking a sip of his beer. 

Dominic smiled and nodded in agreement. “Back when we first met...I thought that I had it all figured out. I thought I knew who I was, what I wanted, and how to get there. But in reality, I didn't have a clue. But now I do know all of that and I'm comfortable with that. You know, I was devastated by our break-up, but in all honesty...I think it has been the best thing for us. Back then, we hadn't fully understood what it meant to be a couple. But breaking up shaped us into something better than what we were...gave us experiences that we wouldn't have had otherwise and made us stronger than we would be if we hadn't. Like now...I understand you more than I did back then...”

“You really think that? That our break-up was for the best?” Elijah blinked, not really knowing what to think of this revelation. Neither of them had really spoken about the time that they had spent apart or the people that they had been with at the time. He guessed that it made sense. If he hadn't lost Dominic because of his bearding, he probably never would have realized just how serious the damage he had been causing their relationship was. He would probably still have been continuing it today and he most certainly wouldn't be married right now, living with the man he loved in the house they had bought together. So yeah. Maybe Dominic was right. Maybe the break-up had been needed, even though Elijah rather that it hadn't been. 

“I get it. I rather that it hadn't happened...that I hadn't been so fucking scared at the time and hadn't started up the bearding, but I get it. I had been scared enough to do what I did and I needed to suffer the consequences of my actions and grow before I could have ever really been the man you deserved...”

“I needed to grow as well, Lijah. You're not the only one. We both needed to grow as people and we did. The most important thing though is that we never stopped loving each other, not really. And we're together now. Stronger and better for what we have gone through to get to this point.”

Elijah nodded as he flipped the meat on the grill and turned back to Dominic, his eyes shining. “I do love you, Dominic. More than anything. I can't see living this life with anyone but you.”

Dominic smiled and wrapped his arms around his husband, rubbing his nose against Elijah's in an Eskimo kiss. “Good thing that you'll never have to do that then, because I'm going nowhere, Lijah. I'm gonna be by your side forever from now on.”

“I'm going to hold you to that promise...”

“Please do,” Dominic winked, gently pressing his lips to Elijah's in a chaste kiss, mindful that there was food still cooking and that they had guests. It wouldn't do to become swept away by passion now.

Elijah's arms wrapped around Dominic, holding him close, his words of love and forever sinking in. His heart filled with love for this man, making his own vows, promising the same. Dominic was his soul mate. He was positive of that now and nothing was going to tear them apart. Not Hollywood. Not their doubts and tribulations...nothing. He was fucking sure about that...

Present Day...

Elijah sat in the garden, staring at the grill that still sat in the same spot where he had first used it during the first fourth of July in this house. He and Dominic had promised each other forever that day. He wanted to cry at how forever had never come. How Dominic had been torn from him, despite their best intentions. It was like some force out there simply hadn't wanted them to be together...hadn't wanted them to be happy. It was so fucking unfair, especially when he saw his neighbors and their lovers and husbands, together and in love and secure in the knowledge that they'd always have each other. 

How he wished that he and Dominic had that luxury.

Sighing, he got up as he pushed all memories of that first 4th of July as a married couple out of his mind. It didn't serve any purpose remembering that day. It only brought pain and made him feel even more lonely, thinking of how angry he was with the friends that had been there that day. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive them. Every time he thought of the disappointment on Dominic's face when they had all turned down the idea of one last reunion, stating they had simply been too busy...it just made Elijah's blood boil all over again. If it had been one of them, Dominic would have made time. He knew that he would have and now here they were, wanting to organize a reunion when Dominic wasn't even there to enjoy it! It wasn't fucking fair!

That first year as a married couple...it had been so fucking magical. The holidays...the get togethers...the hopes and dreams. The world had been theirs for the taking. He would do anything to have those days back. Anything to have Dominic back...but he knew that it was impossible...all he could do was remember...

Thanksgiving 2012...

Elijah winced as Zach gave another victorious hoot as another touchdown was scored. Football. He simply didn't get it. What was the purpose of men in tight pants and helmets chasing after some ball made of pigskin? Zach teased that Elijah didn't get it because he was gay, but Elijah knew that wasn't it at all. The game was just...not his thing. 

He sighed and looked over to the entrance of the kitchen, where Dominic stood with crossed arms, looking rather put out. Of course, his beloved husband didn't get it either, but for a totally different reason. To Dominic, this wasn't football at all. Just another form of what he called Rugby. In Dominic's mind, there was only one football and that was what Elijah and Zach called soccer. To say that Dominic was obsessed with the game was an understatement. Dominic would watch every game that was aired and sometimes he even booked tickets in Manchester to watch his favorite team Manchester United play! He could often be caught skyping with his father, discussing the superiority of United over City and was constantly seen wearing the jersey for Manchester and at times Germany. 

“Why are we watching this travesty of a game again?” Dominic asked, eying the television screen derisively. He just couldn't stand this American game and avoided it as much as possible. Usually that was easy, with Elijah not being into the sport, but when he couldn't avoid it, he couldn't help but make his displeasure known.

Elijah giggled and walked over to wrap his arms around Dominic's neck. “Tradition. Every Thanksgiving, Zach and I settle down to watch the game while Mum and Hannah cook. It's really the only time I watch...”

“Still, makes no kind of bloody sense,” Dominic just shook his head and leaned in to give Lijah a chaste kiss. “By the way, do you think that your mum will make ham instead of turkey today? I mean...you know how I feel about turkey...”

“Hey, pigs are people too!” Elijah snorted, bursting out in laughter at the resigned look on his husband's face. “Oh come on! I had to say it! Besides, who the fuck has ham on Thanksgiving? The pilgrims didn't eat ham. They ate turkey, damn it.”

“Ok, ok. I'll go help your mother in the kitchen while you sit out here and vegetate to Rugby,” Dominic leaned in for a kiss and found himself giggling against Elijah's lips as Zach called out.

“It's football!”

Elijah pulled away, giggling as well. “Ah, the great debate. But let's save it for after today? I rather spend the day being thankful, not refereeing an argument on what to call a stupid game.”

“Who's arguing?” Dominic chuckled, holding his hand up in the air as if to fend off any accusations. “I'm just educating you yanks that you're the only ones in the world calling this game football. The rest of us know better.”

“Dominic! Kitchen. Now,” Elijah pointed into the bustling room where his sister and mother's voices were coming from and the delicious smell of cooking food drifted. 

“Ok, ok. Enjoy your game,” Dominic smiled, kissing Elijah one last time before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving Elijah alone with Zach.

Elijah turned to find his brother staring at him curiously. Elijah frowned, not getting why his brother was studying him like that. “What is it?”

“You glow. When you're with Dom, your whole body just lights up with happiness. It looks good on you,” Was his brother's sincere reply. Elijah felt his cheeks burn with a blush and he felt at a loss for words. 

“Um...thank you...he does make me happy...”

“I'm happy for you, bro. Really I am. I know that I've never said it. I'm not as vocal as Hannah, but I'm glad that you have Dominic and that he's a part of the family now. I'm glad that you found someone that makes you glow like this.”

“Thank you, Zach. That means a lot,” Elijah smiled, flopping down next to his brother. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, he decided to change the subject. He loved Zach, but he wasn't the one he went to when it came to discussing Dom and how the Brit made him feel. That place belonged to Hannah. “So, who's winning this thing...”

Later on, the food was set out on the table. Wine had been poured, and everyone was seated at the table, ready to dig into the huge meal that Debbie, Hannah, and Dominic had prepared. Debbie looked around at the faces surrounding her table. Her family. She was so proud of each and everyone of her children. Zach, who was so successful in his career, yet made time for her and his younger siblings, despite it all. Hannah, her beautiful daughter who had become quite the business woman and then there was her son Elijah. Her monkey. His talent for acting had seen the family through some of the hardest times of their lives and he had come out in one piece because of the closeness that the family shared, not falling into any of the traps that had ensnared so many of the child stars of his generation. But not only that, but he had found success as an adult in both his professional and personal life. He had come to terms with his sexuality and now he was happily married to the man that he had always loved. Then there was Dominic, her son in law, or rather the son that she had unofficially adopted once Elijah had brought him to LA. 

When she had first met Dominic, she had immediately been taken with how young he had been. Not much older than Elijah, but what had really touched her was how homesick he had been for his parents at the time. He spoke to his parents over the phone daily and she could tell that he missed them, so she had taken it upon herself to sort of adopt him. She treated Dominic as if he was another son and she hadn't regretted it since. Even when the boys had broken up, she had continued to look after the young man. Now that Dominic was an official part of the family as her son in law and seeing just how completely happy he had made her Elijah, she couldn't be more thankful. 

“Well, we know what's next,” Debbie smiled after the prayer was said and the turkey sliced. 

“Every year, we go around the table and say what we're thankful for,” Elijah smiled at Dominic, placing his hand over Dominic's, his smile tender and his eyes bright with happiness. It was more than obvious what he was thankful for. 

“Sounds like fun,” Dominic answered, gripping Elijah's hand in his, returning the tender smile.

Debbie cleared her throat and held up her glass of wine in a toast. “I'll begin. I am grateful for my family. New members and old. I am happy that everyone is happy and healthy and successful. May this happiness last.”

Hannah held up her own glass and looked around the table at her family. Her eyes shone with a happiness that matched Debbie's. “I too am thankful for my family. Especially my brothers, who have seen me through the trials and tribulations of getting Blabbermouth off it's feet. Without their love and support, I may have given up after the first couple of hurdles. I love you guys.”

Zach was next. He rose his glass and winked at Dominic. “I'm thankful for the chance to show that American football can be just as fun as European football.”

Dominic laughed. “I never said that I would give you a chance to do such a thing.”

“Oh, you will. As far as I know, you're still not immune to my brother's blue eyes. I trust that they will do all my work for me,” Zach snorted playfully.

Dominic laughed and shook his head. “Believe it or not there or some things that even Lijah's blue eyes won't convince me to do.”

“Keep telling yourself that, honey,” Elijah winked, taking a sip of his wine.

“How about telling us what you're thankful for, baby?” Dominic smiled, lifting Elijah's hand to his lips for a fond kiss. The love that he felt for the youngest Wood son was evident for all to see.

“I'm thankful for second chances,” Elijah smiled. “Second chances and for you and my family. Really everything I've ever wanted is right here in this room...”

“And I'm thankful for you and our family. The family with us now and the one we'll build in the future...”

Elijah blinked back the tears that rose into his eyes, his heart beating a thousand miles per minute. He hadn't really given thought to the family they'd have together in the future, but now that it had been brought up, he found himself thinking about it. Kids. Was it possible? Did he even want that? What kind of father would he be? Dominic would make a wonderful father, that wasn't even in question...it was his own parenting skills that he worried about...but that was a worry for another time. Today was a happy occasion. No worries allowed. Whatever the future held, kids or otherwise, he was sure that he and Dominic would be able to get through it together...

Present Day...

Elijah again came out of his thoughts, wondering why he had been thinking of that first Thanksgiving. They had thought the future was theirs. They had no idea of the enemy that would tear them apart. Of the sickness and darkness that would overtake their lives, washing away all of their hopes and dreams for the future...

Sighing, he dug out a pen and paper. He missed Dominic so much it hurt. Every time he got like this, he found that writing to Dominic helped ease the pain a little. Not much, but it made his absence a little bit more bearable. He used to think that the letters were a waste of time, but now he found that his mother had been right. They helped the pain. He only wished that Dominic could read and answer them. But he knew that would never happen...not in this world anyway...

Dear Dom,

Today I thought about our first real holidays together. I don't know why. I can't really say what has triggered it. I just know that those were the happiest I've ever been and I thought that I'd have you forever. How wrong I had been. Remember that Thanksgiving? How we had hope for the future. How bright and limitless it had all seemed. We had no idea just how limited and dark it would become, did we? We had no idea that you were not going to be mine forever....it hurts my heart to even remember it...but remember it I do. I remember everything really. Our wedding. The first fourth of July...the first Thanksgiving, and all the domestic little things. 

Like how you kept forgetting to put up your toothbrush in the mornings and how you tasted of mint in the mornings when you kissed me and tasted of strawberries and cream when I kissed you at night. I remember how your fingers felt against my sore muscles when you gave me one of your massages after a grueling day on set. I remember how tender and warm your eyes got when we talked about adopting kids, and how angry you had got at the social worker when she said that there might be problems because we were a gay married couple and how determined you were when you told her that nothing was going to stand in our way of becoming parents. 

I remember all of it, Dom...every fucking moment of our time together. I loved you so much, Dom. So fucking much and I still do. Your death hasn't changed that at all. Nothing ever will. 

It hurts though, Dommie. It hurts to know that it didn't matter how much we loved each other. Our good intentions didn't matter either. None of our hopes and dreams were to come true. Our hope and dreams...they were like your character on Lost. Doomed. Fate had it out for us for some fucking reason that I just can't understand. We were robbed of that future that we had so much hoped for. It's not fucking fair. Not fucking fair at all...

But that doesn't lessen my love for you. Maybe if it did, I wouldn't hurt so much...maybe this nightmare that is my life would finally end. 

Fuck, what am I thinking? My love for you is all that I have left and I don't want to lose it! Even though it's killing me, I never want to stop loving you because it's the only thing that keeps you alive for me in some way. Maybe if I love you hard enough, you'll be returned to me....I know, I'm not making any sense, but love doesn't make sense. Losing you when we had it all didn't make sense, so why should this insane notion make sense? 

I love you, Dominic Monaghan. Whether that will return you to me or not, that will never change. I'll cling to you and our memories, no matter how much it hurts my heart...I promise...

Love, Elijah


	25. 25

Chapter 25

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

 

Elijah lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, tears leaking from his eyes. He couldn't move. He couldn't talk. He couldn't do anything but remember. To an outsider, the new day was just another ordinary day. But to Elijah, the new day was something else entirely. Today was the anniversary of the beginning of the end. The day that symptoms of Dominic's sickness had first begun to show...when both he and Dominic had realized that something wasn't right. They had been so naive. So fucking clueless...neither of them had even suspected that it had been something as serious as cancer. Why would they? Dominic's lifestyle was one of the healthiest that Elijah had ever known. He ate healthily. He had been known to drink some alcohol and every once in a while he had a smoke, but it hadn't been to a point where it would have affected his health. There had been no reason for them to even suspect it had been cancer, which made the discovery even more devastating.

 

He closed his eyes, trying not to go back to that day and remember just how normal it had started out. Trying not to remember how they had planned to discuss their dreams of adopting a child, only for it all to be washed away in pain and heartache. But the memories came anyway. There was no stopping them, just like there had been no stopping the memoriesall the other times before, but these memories were especially painful. They were memories of how he had begun to lose the grip that he had on happiness and love and hope. The were the memories of how the end began...

 

 

_**August 2, 2014...** _

 

_Elijah held Dominic's hand in a tight grip, hating the grim face of the doctor sitting behind the desk of the doctor's office. That was a face of a man that never had a happy thought, that never had happy news for anyone. It was the face of a man that Elijah rather not have anything to do with or the news he bore_ _._

 

_What were they doing here anyway, in this cold, sterile doctor's office? Shouldn't they be at home, going over lines or hanging out in their garden or out with friends laughing and just enjoying life? Not here in this lifeless room, that probably didn't even know the sound of laughter._

 

_Of course, Elijah knew why. There was no way he could forget the past several months. How Dominic's whole demeanor seemed to have changed. The once energetic Dominic, the man who just simply could not stand still, had begun_ _to come home exhausted all of the time. He had brushed it off as stress and just being so fucking busy. But then Dominic's appetite had gone_ _away, which was_ _strange in itself, because Dominic loved food. He never ate in access, but he enjoyed_ _eating and trying new things. That all had gone away. Again, Dominic had brushed it off as stress. Even when he began_ _losing weight, which was not good_ _in Elijah's opinion. Dominic was_ _already thin enough. He did not need to get even more skinny. But Dominic hadn't thought_ _anything of it. He was_ _certain that it was just the stress of his new project that was_ _responsible._

 

_Then things Dominic couldn't brush off began to happen. Like the jaundice. It had been Billy on one of his visits that had_ _noticed that Dominic had_ _a yellow tint to his skin and eyes. Still that hadn't been enough to raise major alarms for Dominic. It wasn't_ _until the pain in his stomach and back began_ _that moved Dominic_ _to go to the doctor to get checked out. They had been_ _so bad that Dominic would cry out in pain as a result. This of course, he couldn't brush off and ignore. Something was seriously wrong and a doctor was_ _the only way to fix it._

 

_Afraid that it could be something serious, Elijah had_ _accompanied Dominic to the emergency room. Elijah couldn't help but worry when the doctors had_ _insisted on doing some tests, checking out what could have been the cause for Dominic's pain and exhaustion and loss of appetite. It was a few hours ago that the doctor's office had called them in. The results were in and the doctor insisted on talking to them in person._

 

_Elijah kept his grip on Dominic's hand and steeled himself for the diagnosis. Whatever it was, it had to be bad. But he was certain that they would get through it. They'd_ _gotten through everything else, so why not sickness? He'd_ _be strong for Dominic. Stay by his side and cheer him on until whatever this was was cleared away._

 

“ _So tell us, Doc. What's wrong with me?” Dominic broke the silence, getting straight to the point._

 

_The doctor's eyes never left the couple sitting before him, his expression never relaxing. “I'm afraid that the news isn't good, Mr. Monaghan...”_

 

“ _I figured that already by the look on your face. Now how about you stop stalling and just tell us what's going on with me and how do we fix it?”  
_

_Elijah stared at Dominic, wondering how he could be so calm when he himself was anything but. Elijah wanted to scream and shout at the doctor. Shake him and demand answers and then demand that he fix Dominic immediately. It was taking all of his will power not to do such a thing._

 

 

_The doctor sighed, withdrawing Dominic's file out of the bottom right left drawer and setting_ _it on the desk. “Your test and x-rays have_ _revealed that there's a tumor on your pancreas...”_

 

_Elijah frowned. That didn't sound good at all_ _. “What does that mean? Is it cancer? Can you remove it?”_

 

“ _Well, first of all, we need to perform a biopsy. Find out if this is benign or malignant. If it's cancerous, we do surgery...,” The doctor didn't want to tell them that judging from the symptoms, the tumor was most likely cancerous and if it_ _was...with the type of cancer...the prognosis wasn't good, especially if the cancer had spread._

 

_Dominic looked at Elijah then back at the doctor. He had hoped that the visit today would be the end of the uncertainty. He wanted this over and done with so they could move past this and go on with their lives. “When can we do the biopsy and how long for the results?”_

 

“ _I'm prepped to perform the biopsy immediately and the results should take a little under a week.”_

 

_Dominic looked at Elijah, not wanting to make the decision on his own. After all, Elijah's life was affected as well. He should have a say too. “What do you think? The sooner the better or do you think we should wait?”_

 

“ _The sooner the better,” Elijah nodded, also wanting to get this over with. The uncertainty was killing him. He just wanted Dominic healthy and back to normal as soon as possible. If that meant some surgical procedure today, then so be it._

 

“ _Alright...very well then. Let's do this,” Dominic nodded._

 

_~*~_

 

_The drive back home after the procedure was mostly a silent one. Groggy from the anesthesia, Dominic slept most of the way back to the house and was looking forward to settling down onto the couch to sleep off the rest of the medication. Elijah took quick glances at his husband, who seemed pale and even more weak than before the biopsy. He couldn't help but to think of what the doctor had said. If this was cancer, they would have to open Dominic up and remove the tumor. He didn't like the idea of someone cutting his husband open. He barely got over the biopsy itself. So many things could go wrong. Luckily nothing did for the biopsy, but what if surgery was needed? What if he caught some infection or something and everything got worse? What would he do then?_

 

“ _Do you think it's cancer?” Elijah hadn't even been aware that he had been_ _contemplating the question until he had said it aloud. He looked over at Dominic, who tiredly opened his eyes and examined Elijah curiously._

 

“ _Do you?”_

 

_Elijah blinked. “I hope it's not...in the area it's in...”_

 

“ _I can't think about that right now, Lijah. I just can't...I'm sorry,” Dominic sighed, turning away from him, his voice low and weary._

 

_Elijah felt his heart constrict. It was obvious that Dominic was trying not to think of it too much, to keep up a positive outlook...but it was also obvious that he was failing. It had been_ _easier to brush it off as nothing earlier, but now with the news that there was indeed a tumor...well it was a bit harder to find the silver lining at the moment, for the both of them._

 

“ _Ok. Are you hungry? I can fix you something nice when we get back to the house?_ _” Elijah questioned, changing the subject._

 

“ _Not really hungry,_ _Lijah. Just...tired...as always,” Dominic sighed, closing his eyes once again._

 

_Elijah frowned and glanced at his husband again, noticing how still he had become. Sleeping again. Still, he reached a hand out and touched Dominic's hair. “Oh Dommie...it'll be alright...as long as we have each other...we'll get through this...”_

 

_~*~_

 

_For the following week, there had been_ _no mention of the tumor. Dominic and Elijah had made avoiding the subject into an art. Even though it was on his mind constantly, Elijah never brought it up. He had kept all of his worrisome thoughts to himself and_ _pretended that everything was_ _fine. To the outside world, going by Elijah's demeanor, everything was_ _normal. Dominic was_ _perfectly healthy._

 

_Dominic on the other hand had_ _still suffered from the symptoms, but the pain medication that the doctor had prescribed_ _made ignoring the situation a little bit easier. Dominic had also avoided talking to Elijah at all about anything pertaining to his health and well-being, afraid that he'd bring up the tumor again, even though Elijah was also avoiding the topic as well._

 

_But despite the avoidance, the tumor hung_ _above both of their heads, causing a heavy tension between them that their friends could sense. It was_ _hard to not notice the one couple that never took_ _their eyes off each other barely look at each other._

 

“ _Is everything ok?” Jason had_ _asked Elijah that Friday as they had gotten ready for a DJ gig. He had been very much aware of the distance that stood between Dominic and Elijah when he had stopped by to pick Elijah up._

 

“ _Fine. Everything is fine,” Elijah_ _quickly answered, hoping that Jason wouldn't_ _pry too much. He didn't want_ _to talk about Dominic. Doing so only brought to mind the biopsy and the possible results. What it would mean if it was cancer..._

 

“ _You and Dominic...you were barely looking at each other, which is a first. Normally...” Jason continued, hoping that Elijah would open up. Whatever was_ _going on, it was eating_ _at Elijah, even though it_ _seemed he that he was_ _trying to ignore it. Perhaps a friendly ear would help._

 

“ _We can't keep our eyes on each other all the time,” Elijah_ _chuckled in an amusement that he just didn't feel_ _. “We've both been super busy and Dominic is stressed. That's all it is. We're fine. Really. Once Dominic is done with this gig, things will be back to normal.”_

 

_Jason_ _opened his mouth as if to say something else, then_ _closed it, thinking that it would be_ _best to just drop it. Elijah obviously didn't want to talk about it and whatever_ _it was, it was_ _between Dominic and Elijah. It wasn't_ _any of his business._

 

_Finally, the week was over and Elijah and Dominic again were_ _seated before the grim faced doctor, who looked even more depressing than the last time they had seen him_ _. This time, Dominic didn't have the patience to wait for the diagnosis. The doctor's expression was all that he needed to know._

 

“ _It's cancer,_ _isn't it?”_

 

_The doctor sighed and opened Dominic's file. “Pancreatic cancer,_ _I'm afraid.”_

 

“ _Fuck,” Elijah cursed. He knew_ _it. The symptoms, the area where they had taken the biopsy...he didn't think that there was anything else that it could have been._

 

“ _I take it that you know a little about pancreatic cancer...”_

 

“ _It's the one cancer that has a high mortality rate,” Elijah spoke up. He hated that he knew so much about this type of cancer, thanks to the research he had_ _to do for a role. “Once the symptoms show up...there's very little that can be done...”_

 

“ _I see that you've done your research,_ _Mr. Wood.”_

 

“ _Mr. Monaghan. I go by his last name,” Elijah reminded, not bothering to hide the annoyance he felt at having to yet again remind someone of what last name he now used since his marriage, that now felt a million years ago. A million years ago, when they had been happy and carefree. No cancer in sight._

 

“ _I'm sorry, Mr. Monaghan. Forgive me,” The doctor nodded._

 

 

“ _So...what now? You'll remove it,_ _right?” Dominic questioned, bringing the topic back to why they were there in the first place._

 

_The doctor sighed again. “We do surgery. If the cancer hasn't spread...We'll remove the tumor.”_

 

“ _And if it has?” Elijah asked, unconsciously taking Dominic's hand and holding it tightly, needing to cling on to him somehow in order to keep his emotions at bay. He couldn't fall apart right now. Dominic needed him to be strong._

 

“ _We'll still remove the tumor itself...but if the cancer has spread to other organs...there's nothing we can do but treat the symptoms...”_

 

“ _What are my chances, here? I mean...can I beat this?” Dominic asked, trying to remain calm himself. He knew that Elijah wasn't nearly as strong as he seemed to be at the moment and Dominic wanted...no he needed to take all of this in calmly so when Elijah did fall apart...he'd be able to be there and help him through this news. He knew that right now, he shouldn't even be thinking about being strong, but he couldn't help it. His first instinct had always been to look after Elijah...to protect him...and now wasn't any different._

 

“ _Right now, it's hard to say. We need to know just how far the cancer has_ _spread, if it's_ _)_ _spread at all. I can schedule_ _the surgery for tomorrow morning. With the type of cancer this is, the sooner we find out how far the cancer has spread the better your chances,” The doctor shuffled the papers inside the folder. “Do you have any questions?”_

 

“ _Will he be able to come home right after?” Elijah wondered._

 

“ _Well, it's major surgery. There will at least be a two to_ _three week hospital stay and afterward, he's going to need one to three months of rest at home.”_

 

“ _One to three months? I can't take that much time off! I have responsibilities!” Dominic objected._

 

“ _No offense, but...I think we need a second opinion on this,” Elijah frowned. He didn't like any of this and this surgery...it was something major and he wanted to be absolutely sure that it was necessary. Dominic's life was too important to be spontaneous with._

 

“ _I take no offense at all. In fact, I encourage second opinions. But trust me Mr. Monaghan, this surgery is vital. We can't move forward on what little_ _knowledge we have now and it may just be the thing that saves your husband's life,” The doctor replied, closing the folder._

 

_Elijah sighed and turned to Dominic. All in all, this was his decision. “What do you want to do?”_

 

_To be honest, Dominic wanted no part of any of it. He didn't want to have cancer, or the surgery that probably was useless and the coming months of treatment and therapy. He just wanted to return to normal. He wanted his energy back. His positivity...the positivity that he was in short supply of at the moment._

 

“ _I don't see what the use of a second opinion would be. They've done a biopsy. The symptoms I've been having pretty much match the diagnosis. If I have to have the surgery...we might as well get it done and over with instead of prolonging things by searching for a different answer that's never going to come.”_

 

“ _But Dom...what if this is the wrong diagnosis? What if this surgical procedure is unnecessary?” Elijah argued, not liking the idea of major surgery at all, yet knowing that if this really was pancreatic cancer, there was no getting around it._

 

“ _That's just it. I really don't think it is wrong. I'm not stupid,_ _Lijah. I read up on it and everything fits. I know that you hate this, believe me, so do I. But there's no choice and going for a second opinion is just putting off the inevitable.”_

 

“ _So that's it? You just want to take this doctor's word for it and schedule the surgery?”_

 

“ _The sooner I start fighting this thing, the better, don't you think? So yeah. That's what I want,” Dominic nodded, inwardly wincing at the pain he saw in Elijah's eyes. He knew that Elijah was trying to be strong and ignore his own pain, but it wasn't working and Dominic couldn't help but worry._

 

“ _Fine. Set_ _up your appointment. I'll be in the car making a list of people that we have to call...”_

 

“ _Lijah...,” Dominic placed a hand over his and sighed when Elijah pulled away._

 

“ _Do what you have to,_ _Dom,” Elijah got up and nearly bolted from the room._

 

_Dominic sighed as he watched Elijah go. He wanted to go after him and comfort him somehow. He turned to the doctor. “Can you give me a few days to get everything settled? Or do we have to do this right away?”_

 

“ _I usually like to schedule major surgeries as soon as possible, but I think I can give you a few days. My office will call you once a date is set up,” The doctor closed the folder and nodded at the worried young man before him. “I'll call in a prescription for the pain and nausea.”_

 

“ _Thank you,” Dominic got up and went after Elijah, who he found at the car, crouched down in a ball, his body shivering with silent sobs. His heart constricted at the sight. “Lijah...”_

 

“ _I'm trying, Dom. I'm trying so hard to be strong...but this...I can't take this...it has to be wrong!”_

 

_Dominic wrapped his arms around Elijah and held him close, stroking his auburn hair gently, trying to be as comforting as he possibly could. “I know you are and you're doing an amazing job,_ _baby. You are, and I'm so proud of you. But you don't have to be strong all of the time...not with me. I know how this must be tearing you apart. I want to deny it,_ _too...tell the doctor that he's wrong, that it's something else...but I can't,_ _Lijah...and neither can you. It is what it is and we have to face it in order to get through it. But we will. Get through it. We've been through too much not too...”_

 

“ _But,_ _Dom...it's cancer...the worst_ _kind of cancer. People don't survive this...at least not anyone I've heard of...,” Elijah sobbed, clinging tightly to Dominic, as if he'd let go,_ _he'd disappear._

 

“ _But I'm not just anyone, now am I?” Dominic gave a smile, trying to sound confident and as optimistic as he could. “Just because the stats of survival are low doesn't mean that survival doesn't happen. There are people out there that have_ _beaten this and I think my chances are pretty fucking good. I'm pretty healthy, young, get plenty of exercise...I think the odds are in my favor...”_

 

“ _But the research says...”_

 

“ _Fuck the research, Lijah,” Dominic pulled away to look into Elijah's eyes, trying to instill a confidence that he hardly felt, but he couldn't be negative and he wouldn't let Elijah be negative either. He was going to need all the optimism that he could get in order to beat this and if he had to be Pollyanna for Elijah, fuck he'd_ _be just that. “Look, let's just forget what we've read about this cancer. Let's just ignore it all and take this one day at a time. We'll do everything the doctor tells us. We'll do all we can and not think about what the research and what the stats say. Because we're not statistics,_ _Lijah. We're Dominic and Elijah and it takes a fucking lot to take us down. The suits tried and failed. So will this...”_

 

“ _You can't be sure of that, Dom...,” Elijah sniffed, the realist in him refusing to give into Dominic's optimism._

 

“ _Why can't I be? Who says that I have to lose this? No one. That's who. We're going to fight this,_ _Lijah. I can at least promise you that.”_

 

_Elijah sniffed and rubbed his tear-filled eyes. He shivered and sobbed. “I can't lose you,_ _Dom. I can't. You're my entire life. I don't have anything if I don't have you...”_

 

“ _Hey, you won't lose me. Not ever. No matter what may happen, I'm always going to be by your side. Nothing will ever change that. Even when we were broken up, we were still at each other's side. I don't think this will change that at all. It's always going to be me and you,_ _Lighe. Always...”_

 

_Dominic pulled the sobbing Elijah into his arms and held him tight, ignoring the people that walked by with curious stares. He didn't give a fuck what they might_ _think, seeing two men holding each other, one crying. But what he did care about was the young man in his arms and making sure that he was ok...no matter what..._

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

Elijah sniffed and rubbed his eyes, feeling the burn in his heart at those memories of those early months of Dominic's diagnosis. Dominic had seemed so positive that he wouldn't be a statistic...that he could beat it after all. But all that optimism hadn't meant a thing. They had found the cancer too late...it had been a fight that couldn't be won.

 

In the end, they had lost and now Elijah was all alone, left with nothing but a house full of memories of a life cut short.

 


	26. 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on, I will no longer be posting dates. Italics will be for the past. Hope that you guys are still enjoying the story

_It hadn't taken long for Dominic to make arrangements to be off from work and to cancel his other obligations.  Of course the movie he had been working on hated to lose him, but he couldn't ask them to delay production until this cancer scare was over, so he withdrew from the part, giving the names of actors that could replace him.  It was just a few more days until he was scheduled to go under the knife and his worry over Elijah was at an all time high.  The closer_ _the day of the_ _surgery approached, the more sullen, yet clingy Elijah got. There was barely a moment that he and Dominic weren't together. It was as if Elijah was expecting something to go wrong and he had to get as much time with his husband as quickly as possible. It made Dominic worry that when he did have to go into surgery, Elijah would do something rash if left to his own devices._

 

_Which is why he had no qualms about_ _picking up the phone as soon as he got a moment alone and dialed Billy's number. Billy had been just as devastated as he and Elijah when he had been told of the cancer and just as worried about the surgery, but both Dominic and Elijah had insisted that he should_ _stay in Scotland. That he had a family of his own to look after and other obligations that Dominic just couldn't let him put off just because he was sick. He regretted that decision now. He needed someone...no Elijah needed someone here with him so he wouldn't be alone and to keep him from sinking even more into his own depressing thoughts. Sure there was the Wood clan, but Elijah needed someone that could take his mind off the situation completely or someone he could talk to and that could make him_ _feel like he wasn't being judged or viewed as weak. He needed Billy._

 

_So as soon as Elijah slipped into the kitchen to prepare breakfast, Dominic dialed Billy's number._

 

“ _Hello?” Billy asked, sounding preoccupied._

 

“ _Hey. I'm not interrupting anything,_ _am I?” Dominic asked as he heard the rustle of papers at the other end._

 

“ _No, not at all. Just clearing this rubble off my desk,” Billy chuckled. “What's up, mate? How are you feeling? Surgery's not too far off,_ _is it?”_

 

“ _It's in a few days,” Dominic sighed, hating to even talk about it. That had_ _been his technique of dealing with all of this. He just didn't_ _talk about it. Pretend for a moment that it wasn't happening. That everything was normal and that he wasn't sick at all. It was pretty simple, now that he had medication to deal with the pain and nausea. If only he could do something about the exhaustion..._

 

“ _That's good, right? Get it over and out of the way so you can move on from there,” Billy continued, trying to sound optimistic._

 

 

“ _Yeah. It's what I want. Just to kick this thing and get back to normal,” Dominic sighed, reaching back to scratch his neck._

 

“ _You know we're all pulling for you over here in Glasgow, don't you?”_

 

“ _Of course,” Dominic chuckled, sinking down onto the couch. “I know that you'll always have my back. And Lijah's too...which is kind of why I'm calling...”_

 

“ _Elijah? Is he ok? How is he holding up?”_

 

_The concern in Billy's voice was deep and warm, like a comfortable blanket on a winter's day in Northern England. It made Dominic feel safe and like everything would_ _be alright indeed._

 

“ _He's...he's hanging in there. He's sullen though...and very clingy...”_

 

“ _I can't blame him,” Billy interrupted. “This must be beyond scary for him. He loves you so much...”_

 

“ _I know...”_

 

“ _So why are you calling me about Elijah, mate? What's going on?”_

 

_Dominic sighed again and rubbed his face. “I think I spoke too soon when I told you that I didn't need you here. I think I should have thought that through more.”_

 

_Billy frowned, feeling confused. “Dom? You're losing me here, mate.”_

 

_Dominic took a deep breath and just blurted it out. It was all he could do. “I need you here for Elijah, mate. He's gonna be in the waiting room by himself and...I need someone there with him. Someone that he feels comfortable enough with...not to be so fucking strong around...someone that can give him comfort.”_

 

“ _What about his family?” Billy asked._

 

“ _They're great...but...he's never been good with leaning on them for emotional support for some reason...especially when it comes to us. He'll feel like he has to be strong for them too and I don't want that...I want someone with him that will allow him to be weak if he needs to be...”_

 

“ _You want me to come be with him, Dom?”_

 

“ _I'll understand if you can't, but yeah. I'd like that a lot...”_

 

_Billy smiled, relieved. “To tell you the truth, I was planning to be there anyway. You should have known that I wasn't going to just sit here in Scotland while my best mate is having surgery to remove cancer. What kind of friend do you take me for?”_

 

_Dominic laughed, also relieved. “A very good friend. The best. I don't know what I was thinking...”_

 

“ _You weren't...and you shouldn't be expected to, with what you're going through right now. Do me a favor, ok? Don't you worry about Elijah. I'll do that. I'll take care of him, while he takes care of you and you just concentrate on kicking this thing's_ _arse. You got that?”_

 

_Dominic couldn't help but chuckle at the authoritative tone of Billy's voice. This was one of the reasons why_ _he loved Billy Boyd. When his friends were in trouble, he was there to lend his support and love. “Yes sir, boss man,sir.”_

 

“ _Good. Now get plenty of rest and no more worrying,” Billy commanded, a smile clear in his voice._

 

“ _Yes,_ _sir,” Dominic smiled, but it faded as an unsmiling Elijah entered the room, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed. Dominic's smile turned into a frown as he spied a tear coursing down one of Elijah's pale cheeks. “I gotta go. I'll see you soon, mate.”_

 

“ _Alright. Tell Elijah to hang in there. This is just a hiccup. Come next year, you'll both look back at this time and see it for what it is. Just a small bump in the stream of happiness.”_

 

_Dominic hoped that Billy was right_ _about that. Right now, everything seemed so...dire. It was very hard to find anything to smile about. He just had to believe that Billy was right, though. They'd_ _look back at this and it won't_ _seem so big and threatening. Soon, they'll_ _return to their happy lives. But right now, he had a depressed Elijah to see to. He said goodbye_ _to Billy and called out to Elijah as soon as he hung up._

 

“ _Elijah! Come over here, baby,” He held out a hand, hoping that Elijah would come._

 

_For a minute, Elijah just stood there looking at Dominic, taking him in. He looked thinner. Pale. Exhausted and worried. Worried about him. He hated that. He hated that he made Dominic worry when he ought to have been resting. What kind of husband was he? Dominic was sick. He needed Elijah to be the strong one for once and take care of him. But instead, like always, Elijah's emotions were out of his control and it was Dominic reeling them back in again. Instead of Elijah taking care of his sick husband, it was his sick husband taking care of him. It wasn't right._

 

“ _You look exhausted. You should be in bed taking a nap. You need to keep up your strength for that surgery...,” Elijah answered, remaining in that one spot, trying to build up the emotional strength that he needed, yet wasn't even sure that he still had._

 

“ _I'm fine. Haven't been doing much at all today,” Dominic shrugged, his frown deepening as Elijah refused to come. “Are you going to make me come to you? Is that it?”_

 

_Elijah reluctantly made his feet leave their spot and take him over to the couch, where Dominic took his hand and pulled him onto his lap. Elijah wiggled, trying to get free. “Dom, I'm too heavy...”_

 

“ _No you're not and I'm not totally incapacitated just yet. You're fine.”_

 

_Elijah struggled for a few more minutes, feeling guilty for needing this when he should be the one comforting Dom, not the other way around, but the need to be close to Dom...to feel him there with him...it was too much to resist for long and Elijah finally relaxed, letting his body lean into Dominic, hot tears coursing down his cheeks._

 

_Dominic's arms tightened around his sobbing husband, holding him close as he allowed Elijah to hide his face against his chest as he began to sob and his own arms wrapped around Dominic's waist, clinging on tightly._

 

_Neither knew how long they stayed like that. Elijah sobbing against Dominic's chest as Dominic stroked his back and hair, lending what comfort he could. But by the time_ _all of Elijah's tears were gone, they were both exhausted. Despite_ _that, Dominic kept his arms tight around Elijah, keeping him close._

 

“ _Is that better?” Dominic asked, his voice barely above a whisper._

 

_Elijah simply nodded. “I'm sorry...I'm a sucky husband.”_

 

“ _What makes you say that? I think that you're a very kind, considerate husband.”_

 

_Elijah sighed. “I'm supposed to be strong and take care of you. But instead, I fall apart and as always you take care of me. What kind of husband does that make me?”_

 

“ _It makes you human,” Dominic replied and touched Elijah's face so he would look at him. “Lijah, I don't expect you to be this indestructible pillar of strength. Not when it comes to the shit we're going through right now. I mean...that's impossible. It's too much to expect. As for taking care of me...well at the moment I seem to do pretty good at taking care of myself. I don't need you to be strong when you don't feel it. And it's a comfort to me to know that I can still be a comfort to you. I worry about you so much, baby. If I can help relieve your distress...I want to. I want to be here for you...”_

 

“ _But I should be able to be here for you,_ _too. I can't be if I'm always a crying mess,” Elijah sniffled._

 

“ _You are here for me, baby. Always! And you're not always a crying mess. You can only be stoic and strong for so long, you know? There's nothing wrong with tears when they're needed. Considering the situation, I don't think anyone would hold it against you anyway.”_

 

 

_Elijah sighed again and wiped away his tears. “I'm gonna be a fucking mess when you go in...”_

 

“ _Did you call Hannah or Debbie to be there with you?” Dominic asked, already knowing the answer. Elijah and his reluctance to bother people with his needs. He was going to have to get Elijah to open up and lean on his family more somehow. They loved him. They'd want to be there for him. He again was thankful to Billy for planning to be there, despite Dominic first telling him not to be._

 

“ _No. I thought...fuck I don't know what I was thinking...I just couldn't take their tears on top of my own. I know, you're probably thinking that they should be there, that I need them, but this has been hard on them Dom and I'm not strong enough to bear their worries on top of my own,” Elijah sighed, feeling wretched, because now Dominic was going to worry about him being alone in the waiting room._

 

“ _I knew that you were going to think like that. Which is why I called Billy.”_

 

“ _You called him again? I thought that you two had settled it, that he wouldn't come...?”_

 

_Dominic smiled at the thought of his best mate. “When have you known Billy to do what I say in situations like this? He was planning to come anyway and I'm glad, because I was regretting telling him to stay in Scotland. I don't want you to be alone in that waiting room,_ _Lijah. It's not good for you.”_

 

“ _I'm an adult, Dom. I don't need someone holding my hands and drying my tears, you know?” Elijah couldn't say why he felt so indignant at the thought of Dominic asking Billy to be there with him. He loved Billy and he knew that Billy wouldn't judge him if he broke down and cried. That Billy loved Dom just like he did and knew what Elijah was going through more than anyone else._

 

“ _I know that. Believe me, I do. This has nothing to do with being an adult. It's to do with having someone there with you for love and support and since you won't let Hannah or Debbie be there...who better than our best friend?”_

 

“ _I just don't want to be a burden anymore, or have people think that I can't handle taking care of you when you're sick like this...”_

 

“ _No one will think that.”_

 

“ _Billy will,” Elijah looked away._

 

“ _No. He won't. He will not think anything like that. He just wants to help us, Lijah. He's going to be there for you when I can't. That's all that I'm asking of him.”_

 

“ _Will his presence keep you from worrying about me?”_

 

_Dominic laughed. “Nothing will stop me from worrying about you, baby. But it'll help ease my mind some.”_

 

_Elijah felt himself give in to_ _the idea of not being alone in that waiting room. If having Billy there to be with him eased Dominic's mind some, well then Elijah wouldn't_ _fight it. Maybe Dominic was right and Billy wouldn't see him as a weepy baby that couldn't handle taking care of his sick husband. That he was perfectly capable of dealing with all of this..._

 

“ _Well then it's good he'll be there, I guess,” Elijah smiled. Then his eyes grew round in realization. He stood up from Dominic's lap, looking panicked. “Fuck, this place is a mess and I need to get the guest bedroom ready! Billy's going to think we're a couple of pigs! I better get to cleaning!”_

 

_Dominic laughed. “It's not that bad, love.”_

 

“ _Not that bad? Dom I haven't dusted since your diagnosis! I think it is that bad! Fuck, where's the dust remover...have a lot of work to do...”_

 

_Dominic laughed as he watched Elijah mumble to himself as_ _he left the room looking for cleanser. Already Billy's presence was working. Now Elijah was preoccupied with cleaning and would_ _be too busy for any sad thoughts. Now if only the same thing could happen for him...he didn't want to think about what would happen_ _if the tumor wasn't removable. He had to be positive, or else Elijah wouldn't be the only one losing his composure, and Dominic couldn't let that happen. He had to be strong and positive. He couldn't let the people he loved see just how scared he really was...._

 

_~*~_

 

_It was the day of the surgery. Billy had arrived the day before and was now rested up and ready to stand by Elijah and Dominic through this crisis. He couldn't believe that this was even happening. Dominic had always been one of the healthiest people he knew. The fact that he was this sick...it was inconceivable to him. But he was sick. That had been obvious when Billy had arrived the day before and_ _found a pale, exhausted Dominic waiting for him. To be honest, his old mate looked bad. Worse than he had ever seen him. It broke his heart to see the normally hyperactive, healthy Dominic reduced so much._

 

_But he was sure that this surgery would clear the cancer up and in a few short months, the old Dominic would return to form. He'd_ _just have to be patient and be there for Elijah and encourage them both that above all, hope was never lost. This was just a small bump that they were all going to need each other to get through._

 

_Now, he was here in the hospital with Dominic and Elijah, before Dominic had to be taken_ _into surgery. Billy held Dominic's right hand tightly in his own as Elijah held his left. Dominic smiled up at them, trying to put on a brave face for the both of them._

 

“ _Look at you both. Look like your world is coming to an end. Not the kind of faces a bloke wants to see when he's about to go get a tumor taken out of his insides.”_

 

_Elijah tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace instead. “Sorry. I'm just worried about you. So many things...”_

 

“ _They won't. I'll be fine,” Dominic squeezed his hand, trying to be reassuring. “Takes a lot to keep us English down. Right,_ _Billy?”_

 

_Billy's smile was sad and affectionate. Unfortunately he agreed with Elijah. So much could indeed go wrong with a major surgery like this. Infection...hemorrhaging...but he couldn't tell Elijah or Dominic that. They needed an_ _encouraging, optimistic Billy. Not the Billy who had read up on everything having to do with Pancreatic cancer and all it took to fight it._

 

“ _That's right, mate. You'll be fine. Takes more than a silly spot of cancer to keep Dominic Monaghan down.”_

 

“ _You hear that? Wise man Bills is. He only speaks the truth. If he says that I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine,” Dominic chuckled and reached up, placing a hand against Elijah's cheek. “Come on,_ _Lijah. Give me a smile to take with me, yeah?”_

 

_Elijah did just that. It wasn't his normal, bright happy smile that always reached his eyes, but it was the best that he could do under the circumstances. “We'll be right out there waiting for you...”_

 

“ _And I'll be here looking after him, Dom. Just like I promised,” Billy reassured, wanting to put Dominic's mind to rest. He wanted Dominic to concentrate on getting better, not on_ _making sure that Elijah was ok, not when he could do that for him._

 

“ _Thank you,” Dominic smiled, just as the surgeons came in to take him back. “Ah here they are. My army.”_

 

“ _How long will this take?” Elijah asked, worry clear in his eyes._

 

“ _Well, first we are going to do some imaging to see where the tumor is exactly and how far the cancer has_ _spread. Then we're going to go in and do what we can...,” The doctor explained._

 

“ _It's going to take a while,” Billy nodded._

 

“ _Yes, I'm afraid so,” The doctor admitted. “But the sooner we start, the quicker_ _it'll be over. So if you'll excuse us,_ _gentlemen...”_

 

“ _It'll be all right, Lijah. You'll see,” Dominic smiled one last time, watching Elijah's sad eyes as they rolled him away. Elijah looked to Billy, his wide blue eyes brimming over with tears. He wanted to fall apart right there, but something was keeping him from doing so._

 

“ _He's in good hands,_ _Lighe. This will be over soon and we can all move on with our lives. You'll see,” Billy tried to reassure his friend, squeezing his shoulder, trying to believe his own words._

 

“ _I know he is...it's just...so fucking hard...”_

 

_Billy went over to wrap an arm around Elijah's shoulder and pull him into a tight hug. “Come on. We'll be more comfortable in the waiting room. I'll go get us some breakfast as well.”_

 

_He led Elijah into the waiting room, where Hannah and Debbie were waiting , worry clear in their faces._

 

“ _Mom? Hannah?” Elijah stared, surprised. He hadn't asked them to be here, so he was shocked to see them in the waiting room as well. “What are you doing here?”_

 

“ _You didn't think that we wouldn't be_ _here,_ _did you?” Debbie sadly smiled and shook her head at her son's assumptions._

 

“ _Hey, we love Dom, too. We want to know that he's going to make it through this,” Hannah answered as well feeling indignant._

 

“ _And we wanted to be here for you as well. I know that you didn't feel like you could come to us, but Elijah,_ _we're your family. You can lean on us anytime you need to. We're always going to be here for you! No matter what!”_

 

_With tears in his eyes, he gathered his mother and sister in a tight hug. He was touched by how deeply_ _they loved both himself and Dominic. He was foolish not to ask them to be here, to have them show up without an open invitation. He didn't know what he had been thinking at the time._

 

“ _I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've just been trying to...avoid all of this...try to pretend that this wasn't happening to us...”_

 

“ _Hey,_ _it's ok. You weren't thinking straight. We understand, that's why we just showed up,” Hannah giggled. “No one expects you to be perfect or to think of everything,_ _Lij.”_

 

“ _Your sister is right. We just want to be here for you. We don't care about the technicalities of how we get to do that. Just that we do,”Debbie smiled, kissing her son's forehead. She smiled over at Billy, as if noticing him for the first time. “Hello,_ _Billy. It's good to see you here.”_

 

“ _I just wish it was under different circumstances,” Billy again gave a sad smile, thinking of Dominic in the operation room, missing out on this touching scene._

 

“ _You're an awesome friend,” Hannah smiled, for a minute reminding Billy of Elijah. She certainly was a female version of her brother. She looked away from Billy to glance around the empty room full of comfortable couches, tables and magazines. “So what do we do now?”_

 

“ _The only thing we can do,” Elijah sighed, collapsing onto the nearest couch. “Wait.”_

 

_Time passed slowly. Elijah sat between Hannah and Billy, glancing at the clock every five minutes, wondering what was going on. How bad was the cancer? Were there complications? Was Dominic going to die from this? Maybe they should have gone for that second opinion after all..._

 

“ _Watching the clock won't make it go any faster,_ _dear,” Debbie sadly smiled at her stressed son. She had never thought that she'd have to see this room again. The last time she had been_ _in a waiting room was_ _when Elijah had his appendix taken out. She had been so scared back then, afraid that they had been too late, that she was going to lose her son. Back then, Dominic had been there to hold her hand and to tell her that Elijah was strong and would be just fine. That he was going to live and he had been right. Now it was her turn to be there for Elijah. She just hoped that her words would hold true, just as Dominic's had._

 

“ _It's taking so fucking long!” Elijah groaned, getting up to pace the floor. “Is it supposed to take this long?”_

 

“ _I suppose it is. I'd be more worried if they came back out after an hour,” Billy answered, watching Elijah wearily. He was trying so hard to comfort Elijah, but somehow he felt that he was failing at it, nearly letting his own worries consume him._

 

“ _Do you think that it worked? That they were able to remove it?” Elijah asked, his eyes pleading for a positive answer. Sadly, Billy just couldn't give him one. He had read too much about this type of cancer and judging from Dom's symptoms...it just didn't look good. Not good at all. But Billy just couldn't tell Elijah that. Dominic needed Elijah to think positive thoughts and positive thoughts were_ _what he was going to give him._

 

“ _I'm sure that the doctor will do all that he can. That's all we can expect...”_

 

“ _But what if it's not good enough!” Elijah began to chew on his already abused nails. “What if...”_

 

“ _Stop that,” Hannah's head shot up, her gaze heated. “What ifs are not going to help at all. They'll just make you and us even more miserable. So let's not start_ _with the what if's. Ok?”_

 

“ _Hannah's right, Lij. You'll only stress yourself out like that. Why don't we do something to take your mind off of the surgery, yeah? Like perhaps take a walk? I heard that this hospital has a real nice cafeteria. We should go check it out Perhaps bring something back for Hannah and your Mum.”_

 

_Elijah looked at Billy as if he had two heads. “I can't go anywhere. What if the doctors come out with the news while we're away? What...”_

 

“ _Ah-ah-ah. None of that. No more what if's. We'll only be gone for a few minutes.. I doubt that the doctors will come back in what little time we're away. Plus you really do need the distraction, mate. You're driving yourself mad in here,” Billy cut him off._

 

_Elijah sighed, his shoulders sagging with resignation. “Ok...I'm sure that mum can use some coffee...”_

 

“ _I really can,” Debbie chuckled, wanting to do what she could to encourage her son to take a small break from the tension in the room. “You go on,_ _sweetie. We'll wait here...”_

 

_Elijah hesitated one last time, not at all sure if taking a step away was really a good idea, but finally he just nodded his head and followed Billy out of the waiting room and down to the cafeteria. They walked in silence, not having much to say really. They were each lost in their own thoughts. In the cafeteria, Billy helped Elijah to not only get the coffee, but a selection of food items. By the time they returned, the doctor was_ _just coming out, his expression unreadable._

 

“ _Oh_ _fuck...,” Elijah gasped, feeling completely unprepared for what was to come next._

 

_Billy thought the same thing. Here was the moment of reckoning, a reckoning that he simply wasn't prepared for. He set_ _down all that they had brought and waited_ _as Elijah gave his mother her coffee, then turned to face the doctor, who was beginning to look rather grim. Billy went to Elijah's side and placed a strong, supportive hand on his shoulder._

 

“ _Did you get it?” Elijah asked, trying to muster up some optimism yet failing. “Is the tumor gone?”_

 

_The doctor sadly sighed. “I'm afraid that the cancer has spread to Dominic's other organs...we removed the tumor and part of the pancreas and did what we could to relieve his pain and treat the other symptoms. But as far as surgery goes...that's all that we could do. I'm very sorry, Mr. Monaghan...”_

 

_Elijah felt as if he had just been punched in the gut. The world around him dimmed and he was aware that somehow he came to lean against Billy, who was tight grasping his shoulder and keeping him upright._

 

“ _What comes next?” He heard himself ask, sounding a million miles away._

 

“ _I would like_ _to discuss that with both you and Dominic as soon as the anesthesia is out of his system,” the doctor took off his glasses. “I can tell you that it's not going to be easy. It doesn't help that the cancer has spread, but hopefully the chemo will keep it from spreading any further...”_

 

_Elijah blinked away his oncoming tears, thinking that they had all been fucking fools! All that optimism had been for nothing! Things were worse than they had allowed themselves to imagine! He could lose the man he loved to this disease! He probably would and there was nothing that he could do about it!_

 

_If it hadn't been for_ _Billy's arms wrapping around him, holding him up, Elijah would have fallen apart right then and there. But instead, he drew strength from the fact that his friend was there and kept his emotions under control._

 

“ _I...I understand,” Elijah stammered, letting his body lean against Billy, keeping his trembling muscles under control._

 

“ _Dominic is sleeping at the_ _moment, but as soon as we move him into a private room, you can go sit with him. Not all at once please,” the doctor noted the other people in the room. “We don't want to tire him out too much.”_

 

_Elijah just nodded, not saying anything else as the doctor headed back to his office. His mind in a haze of despair, he allowed Billy to lead him over to one of the chairs. Billy kept his arms tightly around Elijah as they sat down and finally Elijah began to sob._

 

_Debbie and Hannah were up and kneeling before Elijah and trying to comfort him with gentle words, but nothing would stop the tears. Everything felt so hopeless now. He was going to lose Dominic, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It wasn't fair. They should be happy and living their lives and looking towards the future now. But as far as he could see, there was no future where he and Dom were concerned. There was only pain and heartache._

 

“ _It's not all lost, Lij. Chemo will keep the cancer from spreading and there are_ _all kinds of other treatments you can choose from...clinical trials...the doctor will probably tell you guys all about that...,” Billy kept on, trying to give Elijah a sense of hope...something to hold on to. He hated that this was happening to his friends. It was so unfair. They had had everything going for them and now..._

 

“ _Billy's right, Lij. Don't give up...,” Hannah squeezed her brother's hand, trying to give him as much support as she could as she fought against her own tears._

 

_Elijah tried to believe in Billy's_ _and Hannah's words, but he was having a hard time doing so. The surgery had been his one great hope, and now that had_ _turned out to be a failure. Who was_ _to say that anything else would_ _work. He was just going to have to face facts. He was going to_ _lose Dominic sooner or later..._

 

 


	27. 27

Chapter 27

 

 

Dear Dom,

 

I'm sitting here remembering the day of your surgery and how all of our hopes and optimism were dashed that day.  I think you took the news that the cancer had spread even harder than I did.  Thank god Billy had been there when I had gotten the news.  I doubt that Hannah would have been able to hold me up like that.  But to see all of the hope go out of your eyes when the doctor had told you himself that the cancer had spread...that had been the hardest thing of all.

 

I'll never forget that moment...

 

_It had been a good hour since the surgery and Dominic had been moved into the private room where he'd spend the next three weeks recovering from the surgery. Elijah was the only person sitting by Dominic's side, gripping his lax hand, his mind a whirlpool of thoughts.  What was he going to say when Dominic woke up?  How was he going to give him the bad news and kill all the hopes that Dominic held, just as the doctor had killed his?  Would he be able to do such a thing?  It'd kill him.  It already was killing him, just like the cancer was killing Dominic at that very moment.  Oh god, Dominic..._

 

_He cursed himself for his weakness as hot tears rolled down his cheeks.  Why did he have to be weak now when Dominic needed him to be strong?  Must he always be the one to fall apart?  Dominic didn't need this.  He didn't need Elijah's tears and grief and fears.  He needed a strong Elijah  An Elijah that he could lean on and trust to be strong for him.  He didn't need an Elijah that he had to worry about._

 

“ _So I take that it's bad news.”_

 

_Elijah flinched as his head shot up and he realized that the hand in his wasn't limp anymore.  That it was clinging on to his, not as strong and tight as it normally would, but still tight.  He looked into worried blue eyes that studied him sadly and he cursed himself for not holding it together longer.  Luckily for him, he didn't have time to answer that simple statement.  The doctor came in, Dominic's chart in hand, his own expression grave._

 

“ _Now I know that it's bad news,” Dominic sighed, not moving an inch, his voice void of any sign of emotion._

 

“ _I'm glad to see that you are awake, Mr. Monaghan,” the doctor pulled up the empty chair that was on Elijah's other side and sat down, opening up the folder._

 

“ _Yeah.  Had a nice nap, but now I'm ready for the news that the cancer is gone and that this is all over.   I can go on  with my life,” Dominic answered, something in his voice telling Elijah that he already suspected that the news wasn't as happy as he hoped._

 

“ _I wish that I could indeed tell you that, Dominic.  Sadly, that is not the case.  It turns out that the cancer has indeed spread.  The surgery we did do was only to relieve and treat your symptoms...I am so sorry...”_

 

“ _That is bad, isn't it?” Dominic sighed, his voice still empty of emotion, yet he kept an insistent grip on Elijah's hand.  “So what happens now?  I just do nothing and wait to die?”_

 

“ _Oh Dom,” Elijah gasped, not liking that at all.  He didn't want to sit back and wait.  He wanted to fight.  He wanted to tighten his grip on Dominic and fight this thing that was trying to tear them apart.  But could he?  Was it all hopeless?_

 

“ _There are plenty of options you can choose from, Mr. Monaghan.  There is chemotherapy of course, medication, clinical trials that we highly recommend.  Research is going on everyday about Pancreatic cancer and these clinical trials helps us find out what works and what doesn't...”_

 

“ _So I'll be a fucking guinea pig,” Dominic grimaced, but the doctor sputtered._

 

“ _Not at all.  These clinical trials...they help patients.  They can help you.”_

 

“ _So...how long do I have?”_

 

“ _Dom...,” Elijah wanted...no he needed for this to stop.  He didn't want to know how long Dominic had.  He didn't even want to entertain the thought of Dominic dying at all!_

 

“ _I need to know, baby.  I'm sorry...,” Dominic looked at him, a hint of sad acceptance in his eyes that broke Elijah's heart even more._

 

“ _Don't be sorry.  Don't ever be sorry,” Elijah reached out with his free hand and stroked Dominic's hair._

 

“ _If things stay as they are...about  five months...,” came the doctor's  answer, not sure how to soften such a blow._

 

“ _Fuck,” Dominic sighed and bowed his head.  “That's not enough time, is it?”_

 

“ _But that's without treatment, right?” Elijah questioned, searching for any grain of hope, because Dominic was right.  Five months was not enough time.  Really, nothing short of forever was enough time!_

 

“ _Right...with treatment, and with how far the cancer has spread...maybe a year or more...”_

 

“ _Better I guess,” Dominic sighed..._

 

_But not by much in Elijah's opinion.  What would have been better was if the surgery had worked.  That the cancer was  gone and they had forever back.  But he knew that it wasn't to be.  All they could do now was fight the best they could, and that was what Elijah was planning to do._

 

All hope was gone that day for the both of us.  I could see it in your eyes as you asked about your options and throughout the three weeks that you stayed in that hospital.  I had given up, but what was worse was seeing you do the same, despite your decision to go through Chemotherapy and all the other  options the doctor  had pointed out.  My normally optimistic, anything is possible husband was gone and in his place was this sad, gloomy man that had accepted his fate.  Not that I blamed you.  I mean, I was in the same boat.  I had no optimism either and you were fresh out.  So I guess it was a good thing that we had Billy there.  He had refused to give up, even when we already had.  If it hadn't been for him, we would never have thought of looking into The Cancer Treatment Center of America....thank god for them, because they gave you your hope and optimism back and not only that...they gave us more time...more time than the doctors had originally given you...I'll never forget the day Billy arrived at our door, looking like a little boy on Christmas morning...I think I'll love him forever for that...

 

_Dominic's mood had seemed to take an even further nose dive once he came home from the hospital three weeks later.  It was like he had given  up all together. He  barely talked to Elijah, nor Billy  who had been staying with them until Elijah had felt that he could deal with everything on his own. Dom would just sit on the couch during the day, watching whatever was on television without much interest._

 

_Elijah tried to raise Dominic's spirits. He called Dom's parents and brother constantly, thinking that talking to them would at least bring a smile to his face. He had talked about New Zealand, the one place that used to always make Dominic  happy,  just hearing about it. He  even began  talking  football and Manchester United  over with Dominic,  but again it hadn't phased him. One day a thought struck Elijah, one that had made his blood run cold. Dominic was waiting to die.  That was  the only explanation Elijah had, and it killed him to think that it might be true._

 

“ _I don't know what to do, Billy,” Elijah  sighed one day as he had  lunch with Billy.  They were  meeting at a nearby cafe not too far from the Wood-Monaghan home and Elijah was at his wit's end.  He had wanted, no he had needed to bring the fighter in Dominic back, but he was at a loss on how to do so.  “He has no interest in anything anymore.  It's  like he's giving up.  But I can't let him do that.  But I don't know how to make him want to fight again...and I'm so fucking scared  that if nothing is done soon...that I'm going to lose him. I can't lose him, Billy...I can't live without him...not anymore.  I need him...”_

 

_Billy  placed a hand over Elijah's and gave it a gentle squeeze.  “We'll come up with something, Lij.  Don't worry...”_

 

_That something came  just a week later.  Elijah was sitting on the couch next to Dominic, listlessly watching the television, when Billy came  in, his laptop tucked under his arm._

 

“ _Billy?” Elijah frowned, a bit taken aback that Billy would stride on in without knocking, not that he had to, Billy was as good as family, but  it still took Elijah by surprise, especially since Billy had an air of  determination about him.  Determination and something else that Elijah hadn't felt in the longest time.  Hope._

 

“ _What's going on here, Billy?” Dominic also asked, watching as his friend sat his laptop on the coffee table in front of them and began to hook it up._

 

“ _Sorry to barge in like this, mates, but I found something that could help you.  Help you more than that bloody hospital can.  I couldn't wait to talk to you about it,” Billy explained, logging in onto the internet and typing in the URL address to the site he was looking for._

 

_Elijah tried not to let the hope in.  Every time he had allowed himself to hope, it had all ended in bitter disappointment.  He didn't see where this time would be any different.  “Something to help us?  More than the hospital?”_

 

“ _You've probably seen the commercials for this place thousands of times already.  I was watching The Simpsons and the commercial came on and I said to myself, why not look into it?  Got nothing to lose, so I went to the website and I think that it's exactly what Dom needs...,” Billy turned the laptop so that Elijah and Dominic could see the screen, a big optimistic grin on his face._

 

“ _The Cancer Treatment Center of America,” Elijah read and nodded his head, recognizing the name.  “Yeah, I've seen those commercials, but isn't Dominic's cancer too advanced for this?”  He was being cautious.  He really didn't want to have hope just to have it kicked out from under him again._

 

“ _According to this site, this is the stage that they  usually have pancreatic cancer patients arrive.  And did you see that commercial with that lady?  How the doctor gave her an expiration date and she went to The Cancer Treatment Center of America and that was all out the window.  In fact, it goes deeper on the site and she's been living I think ten years!  The doctor said that her cancer was inactive!  They practically saved  this woman's life!  Who's to say that they can't do the same for Dom?”_

 

“ _I don't believe it,” Dominic gave Billy a skeptical look, like Elijah not daring to let hope in.  He just couldn't take the disappointment again.  If he was going to die and there was no way to put it off, why bother even pretending?_

 

_Billy just rolled his eyes at Dominic's doubt.  “Fine.  Don't listen to me.   Listen to someone who was in your shoes instead...”  Billy  then clicked on some links and brought up the testimonial that he had viewed and that had sent him flying to his friend's place just knowing that this was the answer to what they needed._

 

_Both Elijah and Dominic sat quietly and listened as the woman told her story.  Like Dom, she had only been given a short time to live and like Dom, she had been just sitting there, waiting to die...but someone had suggested that she should go to the Cancer Treatment Center of America and the doctors there gave her not only hope, but they had prolonged her life, even probably saving it, just like Billy had said!_

 

_After watching the full clip, Dominic looked at Billy, still not ready to believe that things could be different for him.  “What makes you think that this will work for me?”_

 

“ _Because she was in the same position, Dom!  She had no hope!  The doctors said that she was going to die but they had  been wrong!  All she needed was a doctor that gave her hope and a caring team to work with her and her family!  But mainly hope!  That is something that you've lost, Dom!   Fuck, it's something that we have  all lost!  But it's time to get that back before it really is too late and they can help us with that!  Really, what do we have to lose?”_

 

_Elijah had to agree with Billy.  They had nothing to lose, but everything to gain.  But this was Dominic's decision.  After all, this was his life that they were talking about here.  He'd say nothing and let Dominic make the final decision._

 

“ _You're right.  I have nothing to lose...but what if this doesn't work and they tell me what the doctor I have now already has?  It'd be a big fucking waste of time,” was Dominic's pessimistic answer, bringing a frown to Elijah's face.  His Dom really had given up.  It broke his heart to see._

 

“ _Well you won't know that unless you try, mate.  At least give it a chance, give yourself a chance.  If it doesn't work, well at least you will know that you had  tried everything that you could.  That you didn't just lie down and die,” Billy sighed, feeling himself get angry.  “Fuck it, Dominic.  This is not fucking like you at all!  You're a fucking fighter!  You've never been one to step down from a challenge!  So why are you doing just that now when it's your bloody life at stake, huh?  This isn't the Dominic Monaghan that I know and love.   I don't even think that I like this one!  I want my Dom back!  The one that refused to let fucking cancer knock him down!”_

 

_Dominic got angry as well, not liking  Billy's tone.  He sounded like he thought that Dominic wanted to die, which was the farthest thing from the truth!  He didn't want to die, but he didn't want to fight a losing battle either!  “You have no idea what this is like for me, Billy!  No idea at all!  I don't want to die, but I don't want to be in denial either!”_

 

“ _No, I don't have any idea what you're going through, Dom.  You are right about that, but I do know that I don't want to lose my best friend, not without a fight!  I need to know that I've done all I could to help you before I'll ever be ready to lose you!  And it's not living in denial!  It's fighting to stay alive for as long as possible, for yourself and the people you love, like Elijah there!  Look at him and tell me that you're ready to leave his side without exploring every avenue!”_

 

_Dominic didn't answer.  He didn't even look at Elijah as he got up off the couch and fled into the bedroom that he and Elijah shared, slamming the door behind him.  Feeling as if the room was crowding in on him, Elijah fell back against the couch cushions with a sad sigh.  He didn't know what to do.  This cancer center sounded like something that they needed, but he could understand Dominic's reluctance.  He didn't want to get his hopes up again just to be let down miserably and Elijah could understand that reluctance...he felt it too...but he also felt the desperate need of hope.  Something to hang on to in this sea of despair that he felt himself caught in._

 

“ _Talk to him, Lij,” Billy turned his attention to Elijah, the desperation clear in his voice.  He definitely wasn't ready to give up on Dominic and he wasn't about to let Elijah and Dominic give up either.  At least not so easily.  “He needs this.  You know he does and so do you.  They're offering hope here...”_

 

“ _I can't make any promises, Billy, but...you're right.  Dominic especially needs hope and I can't give it to him by myself anymore.  We need help...and...this place sounds good...almost too good, but I'll talk to him.”_

 

 

“ _You know that if anyone can make him see sense, it's you.  You two were always each other's better half...”_

 

“ _Which is why I can't lose him, Bills.  Without him...it'll be only me and...I don't even want to think what kind of person I'd be without him.  I can't...I need him, Bills...,” the last part of that sentence ended in sobs that Elijah had been holding back for weeks.  Elijah leaned into Billy's embrace as strong arms wrapped around him and held him close.  All the pain and fear from the past several weeks came spilling out.  Elijah was just too weak to hold them in any longer._

 

“ _I can't lose him!  I can't!  I need him so fucking bad!  I'll die without him, Billy, you know I will...I need to keep him with me!”_

 

_His heart breaking for the young man in his arms, Billy looked towards the bedroom where Dominic had fled and could have sworn that he saw the door crack a little.  A part of him hoped that Dominic was hearing this.  That  he was witnessing how this was all affecting Elijah and would give the cancer treatment center a call.  For Elijah's sake if not his own._

 

“ _It'll be alright, Lij.   You'll see.   Talk to him.  Get him to see that he can only gain from calling the center,” Billy  urged after a good fifteen minutes had passed.  He only received a nod for an answer, but that was good enough for him.  Five minutes later, he and his laptop were gone, leaving Elijah thoughtfully looking into space, feeling exhausted from his emotional breakdown.  He hadn't meant for that to happen. He had thought that he had been doing a very good job of keeping his emotions at bay, but it had suddenly become too much and the dam had broken._

 

_Aware that he was going to have to go talk to his husband sometime, Elijah took a deep breath.  He wasn't looking forward to the discussion that he was about to begin.  It could turn into a fight.  It could bring the tears back on.  But there was no choice.  He needed Dominic to at least give Billy's idea a chance.  It was their only hope at this point.  Gathering up all the determination that he could muster, preparing for a fight, Elijah got to his feet and entered their bedroom just to find Dominic sitting on the edge of the bed, looking as if he had just finished doing something that maybe he shouldn't have done._

 

“ _I...I called that place,” Dominic answered Elijah's unanswered question of what he had been doing while he had been in the front room.  “I went ahead and set up an appointment.  They're going to make arrangements for us...”_

 

“ _Dom?” Elijah stared, not daring to hope, despite the evidence staring him in the  face.  His heart ached when he  spotted the tears in Dominic's eyes._

 

“ _I...I heard you and Billy...mainly you...I don't want to leave you, not without trying..  I don't think this place can help, but if it helps you emotionally...if it gives you some kind of hope...I'll go.”_

 

“ _Dom, this isn't about me.  It's about your health.  I just want you to want to stay alive and to have hope again.  Billy's right.  You haven't been the same since the prognosis.  We just want you to get that optimism back that you had before the surgery.  Not for me, not for Billy...but for yourself...”_

 

_Dominic sighed and took Elijah's hand, pulling him down onto the bed.  “But right now...I just can't get my hopes up just to be let down again.  I...I need to be honest with myself here and until I get some evidence that there is a  chance for survival...but maybe this place will give me that evidence and I'm willing to give it a chance.  Right now, that's all I can give...”_

 

_Elijah squeezed Dominic's hand and smiled through his own tears.  “Well then that is all that I am looking for, Dom. Just give it a chance.”_

 

_Dominic just nodded guiltily, feeling bad for all that he had put both Elijah and Billy through these past few weeks.  “I'm sorry.  For everything.”_

 

“ _There's no need to be sorry.  You didn't do anything wrong...”_

 

“ _Yes I did.  I gave up.  I would have given up completely if it hadn't been for you two.”_

 

“ _I love you, Dom.  I'm going to be by your side throughout all of this.  I'm not going to let you go without a fight.”_

 

“ _Even if it's a losing battle?”_

 

“ _Even if it's a losing battle,” Elijah relented, giving in just a little to his own doubts.  “But we don't know that, Dom.  Just like that lady said, hope can make all the difference.  We just need a good dose of it and I think The Cancer Treatment Center of America is the place to go.”_

 

“ _I guess that's just something that we're going to find out,”Dominic sighed, wishing that he could muster up the energy to be more enthusiastic, but he just couldn't.   He hoped that Billy and Elijah were right.  That his hope for the future could be restored, because right now, everything was still looking rather bleak._

 

That had been such a dark period for the both of us.  I'll always be thankful to Billy for bringing our attention to that center and to your new doctors for giving us what we had both lost for a while. Hope.  Yeah, I know that you were being more cautious than I, but I could tell that your bleak outlook was changing.  Especially when the doctor said that you could throw out that expiration date shit.  They gave you back three years of your life, Dom.  I just wish that it had been more than that....that you were here with me now...

 

Love, Elijah


	28. 28

Chapter 28

Two months had passed by since Dominic's poor prognosis and Billy's suggestion of the Cancer Treatment Center. Once Dominic had called, everything happened in a blur, at least it had for Elijah. First, They had been referred to the center in Arizona. Elijah had worried about the transportation and living arrangements, but those worries were soon dismissed. The nice lady on the phone had said that the center would make the arrangements for himself and Dominic. That the two of them should not worry. The purpose of the center was to not only treat and heal patients , but to remove as much stress as possible from their lives. Taking over making such arrangements was just one of the many ways they did so.

Upon arrival in Arizona, without Billy who had returned to Scotland a few weeks later,, because he had been needed at home, Dominic and Elijah found a limosine waiting for them. Elijah's eyes widened in shock, feeling a tad uncomfortable. He had never liked using the perks that came with celebrity and neither did Dominic. The limosine was really too much. A taxi would have been just fine. 

It was soon explained that this was how all of the new patients of the Cancer Treatment Center were treated. They wanted their patients to not only feel comfortable, but important as well. Elijah could see their reasoning. Of course, limos were nothing new to himself and Dominic. They were used to it thanks to the premieres and other events that they had to attend in the past. But to a normal patient, someone who rarely, if ever, rode in a limosine, this kind of arrival would indeed make them feel special, maybe even take their minds off of their illness even for a little while. Elijah liked that idea. It might) not do them much good, but it spoke of the center's commitment to treating their patients with dignity and respect.

The team that was to treat Dom had met them soon after their arrival. As they wheeled him to his examination room, the discussion didn't immediately go to the cancer, but to other things like the weather and places in Arizona that they might want to visit while they were in the area. But soon enough, conversation did turn to the cancer when their assigned doctor entered the room.

“My name is Doctor Robert Lucas. I will be your physician here at the cancer center,” the tall man with graying black hair and smiling blue eyes held his hand out for both Dominic and Elijah to shake as he entered the room. “And you must be Dominic and Elijah. It is truly a pleasure to meet the both of you.”

“Too bad that it's under these circumstances,” Elijah sighed, ready to get down to the reason why they were there. Small talk was fine and all,, but they weren't there to make small talk and he wasn't in the mood to pretend that they were. Not when Dominic was beginning to look so fucking pale and exhausted all the time. He placed a comforting hand on Dominic's shoulder, who just gave him a small smile and reached up to give his own hand a slight squeeze.

“That it is,” the doctor nodded, picking up on Elijah's mood. “Come along, gentlemen. Let us sit and discuss Dominic's case.”

Hand in hand, Dominic and Elijah followed the doctor over to his desk that had two comfortable chairs sitting before it as he slid into the seat behind. He pulled out a manila folder out from his desk drawer and looked at them with sharp and attentive eyes.

“I've read your file, Dominic. From what your doctor in LA has written, the prognosis isn't good.”

“We know that already, mate. He said that...well that I don't have much time left...,” Dominic answered, wondering if coming here really had been such a good idea after all. What if it was only more of the same? What if this was just one big waste of time?

“What I would like to do is perform some more imaging. I want to see for myself what is going on inside you there. As for your prognosis...well I'll be honest with you here. I don't believe in setting expiration dates. There is no stamp stating when you're going to die or even if you'll die anytime soon. There are some patients here where their doctors have given them a short time to live and they ended up living past the expected expiration date...way past. But I can promise the both of you this. Me and my team will do all that we can to help you fight this thing and survive. You're not alone in this fight, Dominic. Not by a long shot. You have some very seasoned warriors standing behind you.”

Keeping true to his word, Doctor Lucas and his team of specialists helped Dominic. First by infusing both actors with something that they had both lost a long time ago. Hope. 

Then a month after Dominic's re-imaging, chemotherapy began along with other holistic and natural therapy's. At first everything had seemed to be going so well. Dominic's spirits was a lot better and the holistic medicine seemed to be helping. But all too soon, the chemotherapy began to have an affect, taking the same toll on Dominic that it had taken on everyone else in Dominic's position, weakening and exhausting him. 

It was one of those exhausting days that the idea of a fellowship reunion came to Dominic. They had just returned from a chemotherapy appointment. That day, on his way down to the car, he had caught sight of some of the other chemo patients. Patients that had probably been there longer than he had. They had been horribly thin and bald and looked to be just as exhausted as Dominic himself, if not even more so. For the first time since he had come to the Cancer Treatment Center, he realized that those patients...well they were him. They were what he was going to become. There was no denying it, just like there was no denying that someday, despite everyone's best efforts, he was probably going to die. It didn't scare him. Well, not anymore. Not the way it had when the doctor in LA had given him that all too short prognosis and he was determined not to waste any more time being afraid. After all, it was like what Gandalf had said. Death was the next great adventure. So there was no need to be afraid. Not really. But he was aware of his future and couldn't help dwelling on it.

So it was that evening that the time he had spent in New Zealand had entered his mind. They had been so young back then. So...invincible. Cancer and chemotherapy had not even been a part of their vocabulary back then. It had been such a innocent time. 

Now he was going to die, leaving behind a body that wouldn't even resemble him. It would be the last that his friends and family would ever see of him. It broke his heart to just think about it, but he couldn't help it. 

“Hey,” Elijah came into the living room, where Dominic had been watching the television as he brooded about the future, almost unaware of Elijah's entrance.

Dominic tried to smile at Elijah's entrance, not wanting Elijah to sense his gloomy mood. His loving, sensitive husband didn't need to be brought down by his dark worries. “Hey there..”

“Still feeling weak?”

“More like exhausted,” Dominic shrugged.

Elijah frowned, not bothering to hide his worry. He hated seeing Dominic like this, so tired and void of strength when normally he would would have been so vibrant and full of life. It just wasn't right...

“I'm sorry...”

Dominic just chuckled and shrugged. “Don't be. Not your fault. I suppose it could be worse. If I had listened to the first doctor, I'd probably be dead by now...”

“Don't say that,” Elijah winced, not liking to be reminded of that first prognosis.. Thank god for Billy and Doctor Lucas of course. They had helped them both so much...and had given so much more time with Dominic...time that he hadn't thought he'd be able to have. 

“Sorry,” Dominic looked at his hands, feeling guilty, knowing that Elijah didn't like to be reminded.

Elijah just shrugged and leaned in the doorway, remembering why he had come. Dinner. “Do you want some dinner?”

“Not really hungry. It'd probably all come back anyway. Another gift from chemo.”

Elijah opened his mouth to apologize again, but seemed to think better of it and quickly snapped his mouth shut. Instead, he sat next to his husband and took his hand into his own, noting just how warm it felt. 

“What's on your mind, Dom?”

“How do you know that there's something on my mind?”

“Because you're brooding and you only brood when something's on your mind. What is it?”

Dominic took a deep breath and sighed. He hadn't really wanted to talk about it, but he never could deny Elijah anything. Now was no different. 

“It's kind of silly really...well not silly exactly, but more like...self defeating...”

“What's going on?”

“I...I saw some other chemo patients today...patients that have been at it for a while. Their hair was gone and they were so fucking thin and it just occurred to me that I was looking at the future. Someday...I'll be one of them...”

“Oh Dom,” Elijah gasped. He wanted to deny what Dominic was saying. He wanted to reassure Dominic that it wouldn't happen to him. But that would be a lie and they both knew it, because it was happening to Dominic. The weakness...the exhaustion...the lack of appetite thanks to the ever present nausea...not to mention that just that morning, Elijah had noticed strands of Dominic's hair on his pillow...too much for it to just be normal shedding. He couldn't deny it. The signs wouldn't let him.

“Someday I will be them. I won't even resemble myself. When I die...you probably won't be able to recognize me.” 

“Dom...don't think like that...”

“Why not? It's the truth. It's a fact that we're going to have to face...to be prepared for.”

Elijah got up, dropping Dominic's hand he began to pace, craving a clove more than he ever had before. “But why?! Why now? You don't even resemble those patients! You have your hair! Your weight is normal!”

Elijah felt angry. Angry that Dominic was forcing the issue, bringing up the very thoughts that he had been trying to suppress all day. He didn't want to think of Dominic looking like those poor people that he had seen...no matter the likelihood that it would happen.

“Because I've been feeling like one of them every single fucking day and I know what's fucking waiting for me down the road!”

“Dom...please...I can't...”

“It's killing me, Lijah. It's killing me, knowing that the last that all of our friends and family will see of me is some shell that won't even resemble me at all!”

“Oh Dom,” Elijah's sob retched through him, his heart aching for his husband. It wasn't fair! None of it was ! Dominic deserved more than what life was giving him! Why did the evil people live such long fruitful lives, while good people like Dominic suffered and died young, so needlessly. It didn't make any sense!

Feeling guilty for his outburst, Dominic got to his feet and went to Elijah to pull him into a gentle hug. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I just...I just don't want our friends to remember me like that, you know? I don't want the last thing they see of me to be a rotting shell. I'd rather that they remember me like I am now. At least I still look like Dom...”

“They'll remember you as you look now, Dom. I'm fucking positive that they will...”

“I don't see how. I mean...when was the last time we even spoke to Astin? Viggo? Orli? The next time that they'll see me maybe when I'm...gone...and that's not how I want to be remembered. Far from it...”

Elijah clung to Dominic with one trembling hand and wiped away his tears with the other. This was just all so sad...

“I wish...I wish that there was something that I could do...”

Dominic sighed and shrugged. “Unless you can arrange an impromptu reunion, I don't see how...”

Elijah pulled away and looked at Dom with bright hope-filled eyes, an idea forming in his head. It was nearly impossible to do at the last minute, it'd take some effort on the part of everyone...but he was certain that he could make it happen.

“Would you like that, Dom? A fellowship reunion? Would you be up for it?”

Dominic blinked once and then twice and looked closely at his husband, wondering if he was serious. Yes, he would LOVE a fellowship reunion, but he didn't see one happening. Not anytime soon. Everyone was busy with various projects. There was no way that they'd be able to get away. He wouldn't expect them to.

“Yes, I'd love that very much and I'd probably be up for it...but baby...it can't happen...at least not anytime soon. They all have to work...”

“They can take time off. They'll want to. They know that you're sick...”

“They have responsibilities Lijah. The world doesn't stop just because I get sick. It keeps moving and the guys have responsibilities and obligations that they may not be able to get out of. No matter how much they may want to.”

“Oh stop being such a fucking doubting Thomas! Give our friends a chance, Dommie. They'll come through, I know it.”

“Elijah...I don't want to put pressure on them. I know that they may not be able to do such a thing and I'm ok with that.”

“But why not give them a chance? Look, I won't put any pressure on them, I swear. I'll just call them, run the idea past them and see what they have to say. What do we have to lose? Either they can do it or they can't,” Elijah grinned, now very excited by the prospect of a reunion. 

Seeing how excited Elijah was made Dominic somewhat excited. What if Elijah was right and the others could drop everything and they could all get together, maybe for the last time and reminisce? It would be so fucking brilliant. He shouldn't get his hopes up...but he couldn't help liking the idea of the reunion and a small part of him hoped that it would happen. With a sigh, he tilted Elijah's chin up with a finger so he could look into his eyes.

“Alright, alright. Call them. Run the idea past them, but if they say they can't do it, they can't. Don't press, alright?”

“Alright. I promise you, Dom. This will be fucking awesome!” Elijah gave his husband one last kiss and rushed into the house to make the telephone calls, just knowing that their friends wouldn't let him down, that soon they would all be together again, celebrating knowing each other and perhaps...saying goodbye to one of their own...

Two hours later, Elijah returned, his head bowed in bitter disappointment and maybe a tinge of embarrassment. He had been so fucking sure...but now...well all hopes of a reunion had been sadly dashed. 

“No one could get off, could they?” Dominic asked, feeling slightly disappointed himself. He had allowed himself to believe that it could happen, despite his own reservations. 

“They are all in too deep into their projects. No way they can get off...not at the same time. They said that they'll come visit you...but as for a fellowship reunion...not fucking possible right now,” Elijah sighed, unable to hide the slight burn of anger in his voice. Why couldn't they take off? He just couldn't understand it. Dominic was ...he was dying...this was their last chance of truly being together...and they wouldn't take off from their precious careers to do this one thing for their friend. It was another one of those life isn't fucking fair moments. 

“Hey,” Dominic pulled him into his arms once more. “Hey, it's ok. I wasn't really expecting them to be able to do it, you know.”

“But I wanted to do this for you,” Elijah pouted, letting his head rest against Dominic's shoulder, savoring just being close to him. 

“I know, and I love you for it. But you know, the guys will come around when they can and that's good enough. And I have you and that's really all I need. I'll admit, a fellowship reunion would have been nice, but if it can't happen, it can't happen. All that matters is that the man I love is by my side through all of this...and that he'll remember the love we shared. That's all that really matters to me, baby.” 

Elijah pulled away to look into Dominic's eyes, searching them for any disappointment. “I'm sorry. I got your hopes up...are you sure that it's ok? That you're not disappointed?”

“I'm positive. And I'm not too disappointed. Remember, I was the one doubting that it could happen anyway...”

Elijah placed his head on Dominic's shoulder once more, feeling the love that he felt for this man swell up inside him. “I love you. I'd do anything for you...”

“I know. I love you too, baby. Always will...remember that, ok? No matter what may happen...”

Elijah closed his eyes and swore that he'd remember...that he’d not only remember, but hang on to those words, hoping that they'd get him through the tough times ahead. Dominic was right. Their friends might not be able to drop everything to be with them...but they had each other and really, that was all they ever needed.

Present Day...

Elijah put down the pen, just on the edge of starting another letter, but he had no energy to do so. Just remembering how their friends had refused to meet together one last time...it just brought all the anger back. He wasn't able to handle it. Not really. All the anger at the coming Dom-less reunion...mixed with the ache of Dominic's absence...it was all slowly beginning to build and Elijah knew that soon it would explode. He just had no idea if he'd survive such an explosion or not. A part of him... a not so small part...hoped that he wouldn't survive...if he didn't...he could be with his Dominic again and that was all he ever wanted. He could live with anything as long as Dominic was by his side...but Dominic wasn't by his side any longer and it was slowly but surely killing him...


	29. 29

Chapter 29

 

_The next three years moved past in a blur.  At first, Dominic had seemed to be getting better.  It had seemed like all the treatments had been working.  The symptoms had all but disappeared; he had even been taken off of chemo.  The doctor had explained that the cancer had become inactive, and things had been looking up for Dominic. Feeling good, Dominic had begun to work again and even took on a few DJ gigs by Elijah and Jason’s side.  He went back to collecting his pets and doing things that he had once done regularly before he had gotten sick.  They had even begun to talk about adopting a child at one point, believing that this reprieve might be permanent, that maybe Dominic would be one of the lucky few to actually beat this thing that had invaded their lives._

_Things were good for Dominic for the next two years.  It had been the third year that things took a turn once again.  Dominic had begun to have symptoms once again.  The pain was back and there was once again a yellow tinge to Dominic’s skin.  Dominic had a suspicion that the cancer was back, but for Elijah’s sake, he tried to be optimistic, to believe that this was something else and not a return to the nightmare that they had thought to have escaped.  Sadly, the monthly screening at the cancer center had confirmed Dominic’s suspicion.  The cancer was active again.  The doctor had at first seemed optimistic.   The treatments had been working.  The cancer had done nothing for the last two years, so surely they’d work again.  So he had prescribed a return to chemo and the holistic treatments and had entered Dominic into some clinical treatments that he had hoped would help beat back the cancer once more._

_Sadly, Dominic didn’t get any better.  He had only gotten worse.  Six months after the return to chemo, all of Dominic’s hope and optimism was all but gone completely.  Despite the doctor’s best efforts, it was a losing battle.  Dominic had only grown weaker and weaker, despite all of he medication that the doctor had him on.  Eventually, all of his hair had fallen out thanks to the chemo and he nearly resembled a walking skeleton thanks to his inability to keep any food down._

_But despite all of that, Dominic was still the most beautiful man in Elijah’s eyes._

_Elijah stood in the doorway, watching Dominic sleep, barely able to keep back his own tears. He knew what was happening now.  He couldn't not know.  It was quite obvious with how quiet the normally talkative Dominic was nowadays and the increased intake of pain meds.   Even how pale that Dominic was served as a sign of what was to come.  There was no more fighting that could be done.  The cancer was winning.  His Dominic was going to die..._

_He remembered all too clearly the last visit with Doctor Lucas and the decisions that had come afterward.  Dominic almost hadn't made the trip since he had been so exhausted and he had been taking a pain pill twice a day now.  Both of the men were thankful for those meds.  They had made getting up and about more bearable._

_“You shouldn't have made the trip,” The doctor frowned as Dominic and Elijah took their seats before his desk.  His voice was somber and his eyes grim.  There was no sign of the cheerful  that they had met when they had first come to the cancer center.  “I should have come to you.”_

_“Don't mention it, Doc,” Dominic slumped into his chair.  “Being in motion is a lot better than just lying there and waiting to die...makes me feel like I'm at least putting up a good battle.”_

_Dominic's smile was grim, never reaching his eyes.  They had come here, hoping that there would be something new that they could do. Some new clinical trial or new therapy that could prolong this battle and help Dominic fight a little bit longer._

_“We were hoping that maybe there would be something new.  A new clinical trial, or a new yet to be approved therapy that we haven't tried yet.  We're willing to give it a shot...,” Elijah began, hating the edge of desperation in his voice. He didn't want) to reveal how helpless he felt.  Not in front of Dominic, who needed him to be strong._

_“I am sorry, but there aren't any, sadly.  We have done all that we could do.  Pancreatic cancer...it is never easy to fight and win...and our survival rate...even though it's better than a normal hospital's...it's still a lot to be desired...I'm sorry...”_

_“So this is it?  Is that what you're saying?” Dominic asked, his voice holding not a clue to what he was really feeling at this news._

_“We can make you as comfortable as possible...relieve some of the symptoms, but as for fighting back against the cancer itself...I'm sorry, but we've done everything that we could do.  We've exhausted all of our options.”_

_The doctor went over what could be expected now and sent them on their way, feeling sad that their efforts didn't have more success.  Deflated, Dominic and Elijah headed for the airport.  Neither one spoke.  There really was nothing that they could say. They had lost, despite everything.  There was nothing to be done except to go home and to wait for the end._

_Elijah pulled up into the airport parking garage when Dominic finally spoke._

_“New Zealand.”_

_“What was that, honey?” Elijah turned to face him, his blue eyes shining with unshed tears._

_“I don't want to go back to LA.  I want to go to New Zealand...on Lake Te Anau...”_

_Elijah nodded, liking the idea as well. Of course Dominic would want to return to New Zealand...the place that had meant so much to them both.  They had truly been happy there.  The angst that had followed them after filming had never touched that magical place and it was  the perfect place to take Dominic now._

_“Ok...but we have to go back to LA first.  I need my passport and make arrangements...”_

_Dominic sighed and then just nodded, accepting that they just couldn't fly off to New Zealand on the spur of the moment.  “Fine...but make it quick...I don't know...”_

_“Shhh,” Elijah pressed a trembling finger to Dominic's lips.  He understood what Dominic was going to say.  He just couldn't stand hearing it. “I'll get you there, honey.  I promise...”_

_That promise had taken a few days to keep, but after spending most of the day on the phone with Peter and property owners, he had finally managed to gain access to a small cottage right on the lake and Pete had helped get it ready for their arrival._

_But happen it did.  They were in LA long enough to tie up loose ends and then they were off to what would be their final home together.  The cottage was small and cozy.  Dominic loved it, especially the gorgeous view of the lake. But sadly he hadn't been able to enjoy it for long.  Three weeks later, he had weakened even more and his need for pain medication had grown to the point where he needed to take the meds three times a day, which made him sleep most of the time.  Soon enough, he even stopped trying to get out of bed when he didn't have to, which meant that most of his time was spent indoors, in bed instead of outside, enjoying the view of the picturesque lake._

_Two months later, Billy had received a call from a tear reddened Elijah._

_“He's fading Billy...please come...”_

_And that had been it.  Elijah didn't have to ask twice.  Billy had been on the next flight to New Zealand, pale and close to tears.  Tears that had spilt when he finally set eyes on Dominic, so thin and pale.  He hardly even recognized his once active and healthy best friend.  If he hadn't known any better, he would have refused to believe that the frail creature lying in his friend's bed was Dominic Monaghan.  Dominic had been healthy and active...could barely sit still he had been so full of energy.  Sure he had been on the skinny side...but nothing like this...But Billy did know better.  He was horrified to see what the cancer had done to his friend.  He was quick to hide his shock, though, not wanting to upset either of his friends._

_That first night, he had sobbed into his pillow. The very sight of Dominic had shocked him to the core and the state of Elijah...well it had scared him. The young man was like a ghost. So fucking pale, flitting from here to there taking care of Dominic the best he could while forgetting about his own needs. So Billy did the only thing that he could do to help Dominic.  He helped Elijah as well...took  care of him._

_During the past few days, Billy had made sure that Elijah ate three meals a day and got plenty of sleep. He had been the shoulder to cry on, the ear to rant to, and the arms that held the young man when it all got to be too much to bear.  He took care of Elijah in the way Dominic would have if he had been able._

_At that moment, he stood behind Elijah and watched over the seemingly sleeping Dominic right along with him, his heart aching at the sight._

_“Has he woken up yet?” Billy placed a supportive hand on Elijah's shoulder._

_“It's been off and on,” Elijah rubbed his eyes, wanting to cry but no longer having any tears to do so.  He felt so fucking drained.  “It's going to be time for another med soon...”_

_“I'll take care of it.  You should go and try to get some sleep.  You've been up for a long time, now.”_

_“I can't.  I need...I need to be with him as much as I can...”_

_“You won't be doing him any good if you fall asleep holding his hand.  You'll only cause him to worry and he worries enough about you as it is.  Go to bed, Lighe.  Get some sleep for a few hours.  I'll take care of Sblom over there,” Billy insisted, not even thinking of relenting.  Elijah needed rest and he was going to make sure that he got it._

_Elijah sighed, his shoulders slumped in defeat.  “I guess you have a point...”_

_“I promise, if something comes up, I'll call you straight away.”_

_Elijah nodded along with a stretch and a yawn.  “I'll see you in a few hours then...”_

_Billy just gave Elijah's shoulder a supportive pat and watched him go before taking a seat at Dominic's bedside.  He looked upon his dying friend and couldn't help the ache in his chest.  It hurt to see him like this. The fact that he loved Dominic more than just a best friend should didn't help matters any._

_“Thank you,” Dominic's voice was a little under a whisper when he spoke.  His eyes were opened yet he still looked exhausted despite of all the sleep that he was getting.  “He's so focused on me...he forgets to take care of himself...it worried me.  Afraid that he'd go too far...”_

_“No need to thank me, mate.  One of the reasons that I'm here is to take care of the two of you,” Billy took Dominic's hand into his own._

_Dominic looked at Billy with clear, knowing eyes, which unsettled Billy a little.  Sometimes he wondered if Dominic had ever suspected his feelings for him, but other times he was sure that he hid it well.  This was one of the times that he wasn't so sure of what Dominic did and didn't know._

_Dominic soon solved that mystery.  “Still...it must be hard with the way you feel about me...”_

_Billy looked away from Dominic's gaze, not wanting him to see.  “I love you both.  You're my best mates...”_

_“That's not what I meant and you know that...”_

_Fuck.  He hadn't fooled Dominic after all it seemed.  Billy looked at Dominic with wide green eyes.  “How long did you...”_

_“I've always known...no way that I couldn't.”_

_“I don't know what to say, now. I...I'm sorry?” Billy had no idea why he was apologizing or even if he should._

_“Why are you apologizing?  Your love is a gift. Even if I can't return it in the way you'd like me to...”_

_“It's just that...I thought that it'd be better if you didn't know.  You and Lighe...you're perfect together.  Soul mates.  I didn't want you to feel bad for finding that with him.  I'm really happy for you both, despite my own feelings for you and I'm perfectly ok with being the best mate.  I've accepted my place in your life and I treasure it.  I always have...”_

_“I know.  I'm grateful for your friendship and for your love.  I'm...I'm just grateful for you.  My life...it's been much better having you in it.  Couldn't picture it any other way.  I do love you, Bills...my brother...”_

_Billy rubbed his eyes, fighting against his threatening tears.  This was sounding too much like a goodbye and he didn't know how to handle that.  “Love you, too, brother.  Now stop talking, ok?  You need to save up your strength, yeah?”_

_Dominic's attempt at a smile turned into a grimace, signaling that it was time to take his meds.  “What...strength?  Have none....just so tired, Bills...so fucking tired...”_

_“It's time for your meds,” Billy pulled away to reach for the medicine bottles on the nightstand table, but he grew still when Dominic grabbed his hand again, in an even tighter grip._

_“Need you to do something for me, Bills...when I go...take care of him.  He...he may not be strong enough...”_

_Billy squeezed Dominic's hand in reply. “Of course I will...”  Billy remained silent as Dominic gave him the directions of what to do and when. Hopefully, Billy would never need to do what Dominic asked.  Hopefully Elijah would make it through losing the man he loved without too much incident._

_Dominic seemed to relax after that.  He took his meds without any trouble and drifted off to sleep once again, leaving Billy alone to his own troubled thoughts. He honestly didn't expect Dominic to survive the next couple of days.  His bones told him that the conversation that they just had was a goodbye.  It broke his heart to accept that, but accept it he did. Somehow, he felt more peaceful doing so.  He'll do what Dominic had asked of him.  He will take care of Elijah and make sure that he'll be alright when Dominic finally left the world.  He leaned over and gently pressed his lips against Dominic's feverish forehead._

_“Don't you worry, Dommie.  I'll do what you have asked.  I love you.”_

_~*~_

_Night had fallen by time Elijah had woke up from a wonderful dream.  He and Dominic had been looking at houses in Hobbiton of all places._

_“Will this one do?” Elijah had asked a smiling Dominic, who had been vibrant and healthy and just like he had been back in the beginning when they had first met._

_“It's perfect.  I'll be quite comfortable here.”_

_And then he had woken up, trading in the right happy world of the Shire for the heavy, dark world that he now inhabited.  Stretching his muscles, Elijah stood up from the futon that he had set up in the living room.  He hated that it had just been a dream.  That his real life was no longer the ideal.  The happy days of his first years of marriage...the happiness and optimism of finding his soul mate and knowing that they were forever was gone.  Forever had never been theirs to have.  It made him sad, depressed, and so fucking angry.   But he pushed back against those emotions, not wanting them to taint the time that he did have left with the man he loved.  Ignoring the craving for a clove, Elijah went into the bedroom that he shared with Dominic and frowned to find him not only wide awake, but staring up at the ceiling with tears streaming from his eyes._

_“Dom?  What's wrong?  Are you in pain?  Do you need more meds?” Elijah stood trembling in the entrance way, not sure on how to handle his own emotions.  Seeing Dominic in tears like this...it was making it nearly impossible to keep a tight leash on his own grief._

_Dominic turned his head and held his hand out to Elijah.  “Baby, come here...please...”_

_Elijah didn't say a word as he did as Dominic requested.  He sat at the edge of the bed and took Dominic's hand in his own.   He was shocked by how tight Dominic's grip was.  Nowadays, Dominic's grip was rather weak and lax.  But this time...it reminded Elijah of happier times, when Dominic had been healthy and strong and Elijah had thought that they had forever._

_They sat there in silence for about ten minutes, just absorbing each other's company.  Finally, it was Dominic that spoke.  Tears were the only thing that strained his voice, much to Elijah's relief.  It meant that he wasn't in pain._

_“I'm sorry...so sorry.  I wanted us to have forever...”_

_Elijah pushed back his own tears, refusing to give in to them, not when Dominic needed him to be strong.  “Hey, there is nothing for you to be sorry about.”_

_“I am going to be leaving you.  I promised that I never would...but I am...”_

_Elijah pressed his lips to Dominic's hand and held it tight, as if doing so would keep him there with him.  “You don’t want to.  I know that.  You have fought so hard to stay and I love you for it, honey.  I don't want you to beat yourself up for what you can't help.  Just know that I love you.  More than life itself.  I don't blame you at all...”_

_“You're the other half of my soul, Lijah.  I love you so much.  You've made me so fucking happy.  You gave my life meaning...a purpose.  I'm so grateful that you allowed me to share my life with you.  That you gave me the greatest gift that anyone ever could...your love...”_

_“Dom...,” Elijah couldn't help the tears now. They flowed freely, fat and hot.  “I'm grateful, too.  Your love....I'm so fucking grateful for it...that you chose me...that you gave us...me a second chance...”_

_“There was no other choice for me.  I have never stopped loving you.  Not once...you were always in my heart.  Even when I didn't want you to be...”_

_“I'll always hold our time together close to my heart...I'll never forget...”_

_Dominic's smile was sad and pleading.  “Just don't forget to live, baby.  You have so many people that love you...not just me. You'll never be truly alone and I...I will always be with you.”_

_Elijah couldn't help it.  He began to sob freely.  “Oh Dom...I...I love you so much...I can't...I can't believe that this is happening to us.  What...what did I do wrong?  Why do we lose when we love each other like this?”_

_His strength beginning to wane, Dominic lowered himself back down against the pillows.  “I...I don't know...life isn't fair I guess...,” he closed his eyes, not even bothering to fight the exhaustion, knowing that it'd be a losing battle.  “Be strong, Lighe...make it...through...for...me...”_

_Elijah wiped at his tears, struggling to pull himself together.  He hadn't meant to lose it the way he had. He had meant to stay strong. But how could he be strong when the man he loved more than life was...was telling him goodbye?  How could he be strong when the love of his life was dying? It was simple. He couldn't. “You should rest...I'll...I'll be outside if you need me...”_

_Dominic's only answer was a weary nod as he allowed his hand to release Elijah.  He was on his way to sleep as Elijah fled outside, where Billy sat on the stairs leading down to the walkway, looking up at the nights' stars. He frowned as he heard Elijah leave the house.  His frown deepened when he saw the state that the younger man was in._

_“Elijah?” Fear struck Billy's heart.  Was it over? Was Dominic gone already?  Please god no..._

_“He's dying, Billy...he's dying and there's nothing that I can do to save him...he's slipping away from us...”_

_A mixture of relief and devastation washed over Billy as he went to Elijah and held him in a tight embrace.  Relief that Dominic was still with them and devastation that the end was soon to come._


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

 

_The next day, Dominic seemed to be stronger thanhe had been in the past few weeks, and in better spirits. Oh he was still frightfully pale, skinny and bald, but he no longer had a sense of coming doom hanging about him. He laughed at Billy's jokes and listened attentively to Elijah talk about the bands that were interested in signing up on his label. It had been a pleasant morning and afternoon spent with his best friend and husband._

 

_In the evening, Dominic couldn't stand being inside the house for another minute. He wanted to go down to the lake. At first Elijah hadfeared that the cool night air would be too much for Dominic to handle, but with the help of Billy, Elijah was soon convinced. Making sure that Dominic was wrapped up in a warm blanket and was wearing a cozy knit cap, they made their way down to the edge of the lake. Soon enough they were camped out on the edge of the water, with Dominic settled in the space between Elijah's thighs, cuddled securely against his chest and with Billy sitting beside them, guitar in hand so he could play some soft tunes and some songs that he had written for his band Beecake. All in all, it was a very peaceful evening._

 

_Billy had just finished a rendition of Dominic's favorite song Boy when Dominic smiled peacefully. His eyes were closed and his voice was calm and serene._

 

“ _Very nice,Billy. Always loved that song. Always loved Jack. Tell him about Merry and Pippin's adventures, will you? Don't let him forget...”_

 

_Billy's own smile was sad. “Of course I'll tell him. Can't let him forget his Uncle Dom. He loves you so much, Dom. You're a wonderful Godfather and Uncle.”_

 

“ _Wish that I could see him one last time...see what kind of man he'll grow up to be...,” Dominic sighed, his voice full of regret._

 

“ _He'll be a good man, Dom. He will make you proud, I'm sure of it,” Billy had to look away from his friend, tears were now burning his eyes. He felt so devastated, not only for Dominic but for Jack as well. Most likely, Jack wouldbarely remember his Uncle Dom, which was a real shame, because they hadalways had a great time together. To know that his son was going to lose that broke his heart._

 

_Dominic's hand brushed against Elijah's as he spoke again, this time addressing his husband, his voice on the verge of fading. “Here we are...at the end of all things. Thank you for bringing me here...”_

 

“ _I'dtake you anywhere you'd want to go, honey,” Elijah answered, tightening his hold on the frail body in his arms._

 

“ _I see it,Lij...it's beautiful...”_

 

_Elijah frowned, having no idea what Dominic was talking about. He shivered as a cool breeze blew about them. Maybe they should go inside now. Dominic couldn't afford to catch a cold. “See what?”_

 

“ _Hobbiton...so green...so beautiful...”_

 

_Elijah just smiled. “Go on to sleep, my love. You can rest now. I'll watch over you ...”_

 

_Dominic drifted off to sleep for the last time that night, leaving Billy and Elijah alone. The two men sat there in silence, Elijah holding Dominic and Billy just sitting there, looking across the lake, thinking of Ali and Jack and just being thankful that he had them in his life. At the same time, he mourned the coming loss of a best friend. It was another hour before they decided to move._

 

“ _We should get him inside,” Billy got to his feet, pushing the strap of hisguitar onto his shoulder. “It's getting nippy out here...”_

 

“ _You're right,” Elijah nodded. He gently shook Dominic's shoulder. “Honey, it's time to go back to the house now. Billy and I are getting cold...”_

 

_They paused, waiting for Dominic to open his eyes. It never took much to wake Dominic up, he was such a light sleeper, but this time he didn't move...he did nothing. He just remained slumped against Elijah, his eyes firmly shut._

 

“ _Dom?” Elijah frowned, speaking a little louder. “Honey, come on. It's time to go in!” He gave Dominic another, more insistent shake. Again there was no response. “Dom! Come on, this isn't funny!”_

 

_Billy's voice was quiet as he spoke up, suddenly realizing just how still Dominic was and knowing why there was no response. Tears rose inhis eyes. “ Elijah...stop...”_

 

_Elijah kept on, unable to stop. Stopping meant accepting something that he was in no way ready to accept, not yet. He needed more time...just a little more time to say goodbye..._

“ _Dom!”_

 

“ _Elijah...please...stop...”_

 

“ _Dom!”_

 

“ _Elijah,stop! Stop...he's gone...Dom's gone...”_

 

_Elijah shook his head, refusing to believe Billy's words. Dominic wasn't gone! Not yet. He wasn't ready...he wasn't fucking ready!_

 

“ _No! Not yet! He can't be gone...yet...”_

 

“ _I'm sorry, but...he's gone,” Billy knelt next to Elijah and placed two fingers against Dominic's neck, where the pulse would normally be. As hehad suspected, there was none. He took Elijah's hand and made him touch the spot as well, hating that he had to break Elijah's denial, that he couldn't let him pretend for a little while longer. “See? It's over...he's...gone...”_

 

_A wail of despair wretched from out of Elijah and drifted off into the stillness of the night. He clungto the body in his arms, not ready to let go. “No no no! Dom! Please...come back. Don’t leave me...come back...please...”_

 

_Billy just stood there with tears of his own, watching Elijah sob over what had once been the love of his life and Billy's best friend. A body that had once been full of endless energy, now cold and void of all life. Feeling numb, he made his way back to the house, leaving Elijah alone to say a final goodbye as Billy himself called for an ambulance._

 

_~*~_

 

_It was a beautiful day. The kind of day that was meant for surfing with friends or romantic picnics by the lake. It was too beautiful of a day for a funeral...but a funeral was what was in progress at that very moment, regardless of the blue sky and warm breeze._

 

_Elijah looked around the room, noting who had all made it. All of their friends and family had come. There was everyone from the fellowship, a handful of Dominic's Lost cast mates, including her...much to Elijah's annoyance. Dominic's brother Matthew and their parents had also made it. He had spoken to the Monaghans earlier, hugging them tightly and mourning their loss alongside them. He had been especially touched when Maureenhad tightly held his hand in hers and told him what a gift he had been to her son. There were also friends like Jason and Ryan and his own mother and siblings Zach and Hannah. Pete, Fran, Phillipa...Andy...they were all there to say goodbye and it broke his heart. He shuddered as he looked at the pedestal, where Dominic's urn stood. An urn full of ashes. That was all that Dominic had been reduced to._

 

_Billy stepped up behind Elijah, his own green eyes grim, yet expectant. Something inside him had died right along with Dominic, it was so clear to Elijah and made him feel even closer to the Scot. “Everyone is waiting. Are you ready to start?”_

 

“ _I'm never going to be ready,” Elijah sighed. “But I supposethat we should start...for Dom...”_

 

_Billy attempted a smile as he gave Elijah's hand a supportive squeeze. “For Dom...”_

 

_Elijah stepped up onto the podium and cleared his throat, gaining everyone's attention. “Excuse me. The memorial service is about to begin. Everyone, give me your attention, please...”_

 

_The room grew quiet as everyone looked up at Elijah, indeed giving him their full attention._

 

“ _Normally services like these have a preacher talking of God in heaven and how the deceased is heading there. But we all know that Dominic never did believe in all of that. So instead of hiring a preacher to come andgive a sermon about things that havemeant nothing to Dom...I thought that it'd be best if each one of us came up here and shared our best memory of him with each other. Dom hasloved us all and it'd mean the world to him if we celebratedhis life just by remembering him and the man he hasbeen and how he hastouched all of our lives...”_

 

_Elijah looked at each and every face in the room, knowing that each person had something nice and touching to share._

 

“ _I'll go first. I have thousands upon thousands of happy memories of Dom...but the one that I love the most is our first kiss. It was back in our New Zealand days of course, while filming Lord Of the Rings...and at the time I had been seriously crushing on him. I had been so frustrated because I wanted to get Dom alone so badly,but something always got in the way. I did finally get him alone, though. And when we kissed...the whole world stopped and it wasjust us. That was how I knew that Dominic was special...that he was the one that I was meant to be with...”_

 

_Elijah couldn't go on. The memory of that kiss was so vivid...he could almost feel Dominic's warm lips against his own. He opened his mouth to say something, perhaps share another memory, but instead of words, a heart crushing sob came out, renewing the tears that he had managed to stop only about an hour ago. Gentle hands pulled him off the podium. He looked up to find his sister Hannah,her own eyes full of tears. She was always ready to be his rock and now was no different. He had no will to resist as she wrapped her arms around him and led him to a space in front of the crowd, where they stood and watched and listened as everyone else walked onto that podium and shared their memories, proving just how much Dominic had been loved and how much he wouldbe missed by everyone._

 

_~*~_

 

_Lake Te Anau. It was a small group that was gathered this time. Just Elijah, Billy, Hannah, and Dominic's parents and Matthew. Dominic had been very clear about what he had wanted to be done with his ashes and Elijah was going to make sure that happened._

 

_He stood at the railing, hugging the urn to his chest, surrounded by friends and family. It was time for one final goodbye._

 

“ _Dominic wanted his ashes spread across the lake. We met here. He died here. Now it's only right that he rests here as well,” Elijah lifted the lid off of the urn. “Good-bye my sweet Dominic. You can rest peacefully now.”_

 

_As he poured the ashes out of the urn, the wind picked up and scattered the ashes as Billy sang Pippin's song from the movies that had brought them together._

 

_**Present Day...** _

 

Elijah rubbed his eyes, coming up from the rush of memories that had accosted him. Dominic's final days...his death...it had all left Elijah feeling drained and exhausted. All the strength he had was gone now, leaving this little shell of a man.

 

After Dominic's death, everyone had expected him to be strong...to be thankful that Dominic was no longer in pain. But he couldn't be thankful and he had been a long way from strong. He was probably the weakest person that he knew.

 

He stood before his bathroom mirror, just looking at his reflection...and hating it.

 

“You are weak. You couldn't save Dominic. You never even deserved him, so why are you still here?”

 

No answer came. There was only silence. But what did he expect to happen? Did he expect some great all-knowing voice to answer and tell him what his purpose was now that all he had been living for was gone? Dominic would have laughed at him if he had been there.

 

Turning on the cold water, Elijah splashed some onto his face, hoping that the cold would shock his mind back into making sense. Instead, his eyes landed on a stray razor blade lying on the side of the sink.

 

He picked up the gleaming blade and studied it closely. Such a tiny thing, yet it could be as deadly as Dominic's cancer had been...

 

Just one small move. That would be all it would take. One slash across pale skin and he would be with Dominic again. Keeping his mind clear so that doubts wouldn't rise up, Elijah pressed the blade against the soft skin of his right wrist and watched in a morbid fascination as red blood rose as the blade went deeper and deeper. Ignoring the pain, he did the same to the other wrist.

 

He then stepped back and ignored his bleeding wrists as he waited for it all to leave him. The painful grief of losing Dominic. The hole in his soul that would never be filled. The hopelessness. In his mind, he was leaving it all behind and would soon be with his Dominic once more.

 

He looked into the mirror one last time and smiled, thinking that for a split second he saw a pair of sad gray-blue eyes peering back at him.

 

“I'm coming, honey,” were his last words as he lost consciousness...


	31. 31

Chapter 31

It was the coming reunion that had brought Billy back to LA. He and the others had decided to hold it in LA, hoping that they could make Elijah change his mind at the last minute. He had planned to stop by Elijah's the next morning, after a good night's sleep.

Normally, he would have called Elijah as soon as he had landed, but it was so late and Billy had assumed that it could wait until morning, when they both would be wide awake. Really, there was no need to wake Elijah out of a sound sleep just to tell him that he was in town. So as soon as he had checked into the hotel, Billy had gone straight to bed, expecting to get a good night's sleep or at least attempt to. For some reason yet unknown to Billy, Elijah wouldn't leave his mind. Billy had lain in bed trying to clear his mind for sleep, just to find himself wondering what Elijah was doing. Having enough, he sat up and reached for the phone. He had a feeling that sleep would be impossible if he didn't call Elijah for a quick hello. 

He dialed Elijah's number, not at all sure how he was going to explain his calling so late at night. The man hadn't even known that he was to be in town that week. He waited and waited, letting the phone ring, but it soon became obvious that Elijah was not going to pick up. Frowning, Billy gave up and hung up the phone. Normally, it would be assumed that Elijah was sleeping so deeply that he didn't hear the phone, but the thing was that Elijah always answered the phone, no matter the hour. Maybe Elijah was just ignoring the phone, wanting to get more sleep in. But Billy's mind just wouldn't rest. It kept nagging at him and nagging at him, not letting him drift into a peaceful sleep. Finally, giving up on the idea of sleep, Billy decided that he would just have to go see Elijah as soon as possible. He wouldn't be able to relax until he had.

The ride to Elijah's house was made in silence, only once did Billy ask himself what he thought he was doing. He really didn't have an answer for that. In fact, he didn't know why he was doing any of this. Why he couldn't sleep until he saw and talked to Elijah. He just...had a feeling...

Elijah's house was silent and dark when he pulled up into the driveway. He almost had the driver turn around to return to the hotel, but then he had finally spotted a lit window in the house. So Elijah had to be home. He'd never leave a light on. 

Billy stepped out of the taxi and paid the driver and then walked up to the front door. He frowned as the door opened when he began to knock. An unlocked door at this hour? Not like Elijah at all. He was never this careless. Billy's frown deepened as he pushed the door open and entered the house to hear the sound of running water coming from the upstairs bathroom. He must be in the shower, right? Still, it was probably best to call out to him. Let Elijah know that he was there.

“Elijah?! Elijah mate, it's Billy! I've been trying to call you...did you know that your door was unlocked?!”

Again, there was no answer from Elijah. Not liking that at all, Billy decided to just go up and check himself, just to make sure that everything was ok. He really didn't like the door being unlocked, nor the fact that Elijah didn't answer. Anything could be going on. Taking the stairs two at a time, Billy turned to the bathroom and stopped in his tracks at what he found.

Elijah was unconscious on the bathroom floor, lying in a puddle of his own blood...blood that was coming from two slit wrists. At first Billy couldn't move, he was so in shock. What had Elijah done to himself? His mind just couldn't process it. When Dominic had died, he had been ready for something like this. He had been prepared to step in, watching Elijah closely for any signs of suicidal thoughts. But nothing had ever come of his fears. He was beginning to think that maybe he was wrong...that Elijah was actually doing a lot better than he had thought. But obviously that had not been the case, because here Elijah was bleeding out onto the bathroom floor from wrists that he had obviously slashed himself.

Billy stumbled forward as his paralysis broke and was soon on his knees, checking Elijah for a pulse and making sure that he was still breathing. He then ripped strips of cloth off of his shirt and wrapped them around each wrist, hoping to stop the blood flow. Satisfied with what he had done, he picked up the phone and dialed 911. Not long after, the paramedics arrived and gently pushed Billy out of the way so that they could work.

He watched on, feeling as if he was in some kind of daze. When he had left Scotland, this had not been what he had expected to happen. He had expected to visit Elijah and perhaps argue with him about the reunion...but not this. This was...it was...bloody insane, that's what it was!

Why? Why now when they all should be gathering together to remember one deceased friend, not preparing to mourn another? It just made him so...fucking angry!

After answering the medic's questions and being told that Elijah was expected to survive, Billy decided not to follow them to the hospital. Instead, he walked out onto the patio and sat in the chair across from the one that Dominic had always sat in when he had visited. He angrily rubbed his face, hot tears in his eyes. 

“You fucking knew that this would happen, didn't you, Dommie? You fucking knew. The rest of us were daft enough to think that he was handling your death so well, when in reality he was falling apart. What a bunch of fools you must think us to be. You're the one person that he was closest to, so of course you knew that he would pull something like this...

“What really grates my bloody cheese though is how utterly selfish he's being! I mean, did he even consider how the rest of us would react? His brother and sister? His mum...Me? Fuck, Dom! I lost you! I can't...I can't handle losing him, too! None of us can. ”

Hot tears flowed from Billy's eyes. He tried wiping them away, but more just took their place. He couldn't say how long he sat there sobbing over the loss of his friend and the almost loss of another, but when the tears were finally gone, his head felt a lot clearer and he felt better able to handle everything.

“Yeah, I remember that promise I made you. Don't worry. It'll get to him. It's just...Damn you, Dominic! Damn you for leaving us like this!”

Billy then left the patio and locked up the house. He had one more thing to do for Dominic. One last request to fulfill before he could say his own final goodbye to his friend.

~*~

Elijah moaned as his senses came back to life. He opened his eyes, expecting to see Dominic and all the other people that he had lost throughout his life. Instead, he woke up to a nurse changing his IV. Disappointment washed through him as he realized that he was still alive. His attempt to join Dominic had been a failure.

“Fuck,” he cursed aloud, gaining the attention of the nurse.

“Oh, you're awake,” the nurse smiled, her brown eyes compassionate. “You slept throughout the night and you've been properly bandaged up. You should make a full recovery.”

Elijah frowned. He didn't care about sleep, bandages, or recovery for that matter. He had just wanted to be with Dom. But obviously that wasn't going to happen. “How did I get here?”

“Oh, the ambulance was called. A good thing too, since you had lost a good amount of blood.”

“Who...who called...?”

That question was answered when Billy poked his head into the room. “Is he...oh, he is. Good.”

“Great. I should have known,” Elijah groaned, glaring up at the ceiling as his head fell back against the pillow. 

“Should have known what? That I would be there to stop your arse from doing something stupid?” There was a hard angry edge to Billy's voice that softened when he turned to talk to the nurse. “Is he allowed visitors?”

“Sure. Just be sure not to tire him out too much.” the nurse cautioned before leaving the two men alone.

Billy took the chair next to Elijah's bed and glared at him, not saying a word. It took fifteen minutes for Elijah to finally lose his patience.

“Ok, mind telling me why I am still here alive and not...not where I want...where I need to be?”

“Only if you mind telling me who gave you the right to try something so stupid...so idiotic...you could have died!”

“That was the point,” Elijah shrugged. “I wanted to be with Dom and that was the only way to make it happen.”

“You stupid little wanker...,” Billy got to his feet and began to pace. He was so full of anger, he felt as if he was going to burst from it. “You don't care about any of us, do you? Not me, not your family...no one...”

“I wouldn't say that,” Elijah frowned, not getting why Billy was so angry. If anyone should understand, it should be Billy. “I just wanted to be with Dom. It's hard here without him, Billy! I can't breathe...I can't think...”

“Can't think is right! You haven't given a fucking thought to what losing you would do to the rest of us!”

Elijah was silent at this. Billy was right. He hadn't given that any thought. He had been too wrapped up in his own pain.

Billy took a deep breath and calmed down. He hadn't come here to yell at Elijah, really he hadn't. He had come to fulfill a promise that he had made a long time ago. He pulled out a white envelope and tossed it to Elijah.

“I promised Dom that I would give you that if you did something stupid. Stupid meaning the stunt that you have just pulled.”

Elijah looked at the envelope closely, not knowing what to say. He hadn't expected anything like this. One last message from Dominic.

“I'll leave you alone to read that,” Billy turned to head for the door, then stopped to look back at Elijah one last time. “This is my message though. Stop being so bloody selfish!” 

And with that said, Billy left Elijah to his own thoughts, his anger already fading and leaving him exhausted. He could only hope that Dominic's message did Elijah some good.


End file.
